Thank you so much, LAMom. Glad to have your support.

None of this is easy...but many here have given some wonderful advice.. Find a PFLAG chapter www.PFLAG.org
its a life line of understanding and knowing you aren't alone and you will meet some great people...I didn't want to go at first took me about 6mons to walk into a place they met in a chucrh hall on sunday afternoon..Depends where you live but that was a door I am so glad I walk though, I had so many questions and who was I going ask?? These wonderful people were there for me.... I even wrote a poem later about it...I guess I could post maybe it would help you understand...But the bottom line is we have our kids.....so love them: for being gay is such a small part of who they are. I have met many women who had been married this might help some to understand and just didn't know till later in life... A lot of gay men knew when they were very young,...girls can be tom boys and you never think maybe they were gay, thats not say all tom boys are gay...some girls show signs an some don't I didn't have a clue my only daughter was she told me when she was 18 in college...When they go away to college that find support groups their for them..Many high school now have groups that are suporting. Hope some of this helps....keep writing and ask me anything....

My 17 year old son is gay. The only concerns I have are in regards to the battles he faces in an intolerable society. I know his heart, it is good and true. That is all I could wish for in a child, that is what is most important to me. I wish for him the same happiness and fulfillment that I wish for my other children, and that I would wish for yours. I feel like it's my job, my responsibility to make sure that he knows that his being gay has nothing at all to do with who he is as a person. Our children need to know that they are good and right - and we are the ones who know that about them, they need to have that support from us.

In saying that, I will also share that he and I are estranged presently. He has been overcome by some issues that he is not ready to face and in that, my husband (his father) and I have become the bad guys. It twists my guts that he is in such pain and discord within himself that he would turn away from the people who have been here for him all along. We cannot fathom the struggles that our gay children/friends/family go through daily just in having to decide whether they are in a place where they can truly be themselves or hide in fear.

I sincerely hope that you are able to find a way to set aside any disappointment you feel and look at the heart of the matter...and that is your child - who she IS ... if the worst thing I get handed in this life time is a gay child ... THANK YOU!!

My heart goes out to you and your family in working through this together.

To Nosey22 and Thruthelooking glass, Thanks so much to both of you for your suggestions, support, and insights. And to thruthelookingglass: it sounds as if you are incredibly supportive, which leads me to believe that your son will come back around once he works out his issues. I'll pray for that for you. Thanks again to you both!

I feel that since society over the last several decades, has paved the way of tradition, and whats exceptable and whats not..this is where the guilt and disappointment comes in. As a lesbian mother of 2..ALL I want for my children is to be HAPPY...I have no expectations as to whom they should marry..its not MY life. These are not MY decisions and they do not make me appear any different as a mother. Isnt our #1 goal, in raising children, to raise healthy, functional members of society? Does it REALLY matter what they do behind closed doors? Who they marry? If it makes them happy..does it matter that its not what we would have chosen for them, simply because its not what we chose for ourselves. We cant deflect our own choices and opinions on our children..or else were not really allowing them to be who they really ARE. Yeah? Just speaking from a standpoint of being disowned at one point by most of my family..for them to see later that I'm the same person I always was..only much more content and settled in my self. :)

Thanks for your input, melohope99.. I'm sorry your family disowned you at one point and I hope all is well now. No one deserves that kind of treatment. I agree with you about tradition and expectations being the probable cause of lack of acceptance. In that regard, children of same-sex parents like yourself have an advantage: absolute acceptance no matter what, without expectation of who they will become and who they might marry. I strive to be that kind of Mom. I try to behave in that way at all times, though I do still secretly wish that my daughter were straight. I hope this will go away over time. Actually, I'm sure she still wishes she had been born straight, just so she could "fit in" to society better. Hopefully, society will continue to grow in acceptance of people as they are, helping us all to do the same.

remi I admire you as a mom! You are ok with admitting you feel this way and want to change it, but it is what it is right?

Thank-you! All we can do is keep trying, I suppose! Best wishes to you!

Hi it's ok to be in that dream world but sooner or later you will have to come out. What is ..is! Having a gay child accepting YOUR Dreams aren't hers was hard for me. If you really want some suport look www.pflag.org its a support group for parents, families, friends. My daughter gave me their number for a chapter in my town 1989 but I waited 6mos before i called to find out where they met. When I walk through that door it was like a lifeline. You find out you aren't alone, that loneness, the shame maybe, the feeling of your dreams are gone, but you will find another world opens up to you.
I met all sort of people: being gay is in all families rich, poor,. We did nothing wrong it just what is. I met so many people and over the yrs it help me to grow...in ways I may of never grown.. I learn to speak out for others (parents) who could not come out and speak.. Not everyone becomes a advocate but its a journey I am glad i was given.. I to wish my daughter hadn't been gay at first, but later realize it was only a very small part of who she is.....They will have lovers, can married in some places and of course have children its all their choice..Its their dream now. I pray only for a healthy, happy daughter. I hope some of this helps...when you first start though this process you grief and of what isn't..when your done with help of others I hope, its when you begin to grow. I felt like a small flower as i begin on this jouney, I feel like a large BUSH now..Ha! I always said God gave me the gift of my daughter just the way she is....when I spoke in public...I also think he pick out their parents as very special people ones who had big hearts and lots of love to give. But sad to say many parnets get pull down with what people will say about them to get educated to understand it all. I met many young men & women who had parents like this broke my heart....You sound like a very loving mother you will do fine give yourself time...and reach out for that support you won't be sorry you did.

Thanks so much for your kind words and advice!!

My gay son will be 18 next month - he came out to us when he was 12. I think we knew long before he did - and the only reason he 'knew' so early was because of the harassment he dealt with at school on a daily basis.

My husband and I allowed our son the freedom to come out to who he wanted, as he felt ready. Any inner struggles we may be having over our child/ren being gay pales in comparison to the struggles they are having and/or will have. The world is a cruel place and our gay children need our support and unconditional acceptance and love.

Maybe if you actively focus on the things you admire and are proud of in your daughter and try to put your previous expectations on the back burner. You explore your new 'self' at the same time your daughter is doing the exact same thing, allowing for some time to fully absorb this new dynamic - and you might be pleasantly surprised and have both of you settle down into a stronger and closer relationship than you had prior to the news.

As far as other family members not being accepting - fortunately, we didn't have that in our family - but I feel very strongly that it is our obligation to set forth a mindset that if anyone has a problem with it - it is THEIR problem. I will not subject my son to having to spend time with people who obviously do not accept and support him. We are a team, and if someone wants to deny him - they deny me too.

Good Luck with this!! Keep your head up - as with all change in life, it just takes time adjust. :)
Hugs~

About the year of 2003 or 2004, been so long I would have to go back to read in my journal, well that is when my son came to me to tell me he was gay.
Shocked, scared, felt so alone, so in a fog.But, I composed myself, and prayed for God to help me, I didn't know what to do.
I stood up, and he did also, I told him, son, I still love you, and we hugged. I felt a huge releif coming from him, a deep sigh. Like he was free finally.
But after he left, I fail all apart. I was so numb, and confused.I closed my door, shut my blinds, and cried, grieved.The next day, I found myself sitting in my truck, at the local park, thinking about jumping into the rapid waters. I didn't want to live, I was so lost. God awoke me, and let me realize where I was at and what I was about to do. Somehow I drove home, and again, I do not know how I got back home. I kept my door and blinds closed for a long time. Two friends of mine found out somehow, and invited me to come do Bible study with them. I didn't want to but, they insisted. I went, and found out,they knew my son was gay. And both their sons are gay also. It was like ripping everything out of me just to even talk about it all. No support group in our town, parents are really alone, and lost, confused with no help.
My son started telling his friends, and people started having different looks when they looked at me, and I knew they knew. I had to tell my parents before, somebody else did. I didn't want them to hear it from a stranger. I was blamed for starting a rumor that my son was gay. That ripped my heart out even more. So I stayed to myself, didn't have many friends, and didn't want them now.
But, to make my story shorter. As time went on, I came to understand most of it. I now except my son as he is, altho I don't agree with it, and he understands that, and he respects me, as I do him. He has had the same partner since before he told me. And when holidays come now, I envite him, and those that keep saying things like I will pray that God will change him, and bring him to his senses, etc., I tell them, if you can not be nice to my son and his partner, don't come. And you are not allowed to speak ugly, or bring up him being gay in my home. You will respect both of them. And they come, and keep their mouths shut, or I would tell them to leave, and they know it.
I love my son dearly, and his partner, infact today, I call his partner my adopted son. And we so get along, have fun, and I just told my son a few months ago. If you both ever deside to get married, and it is legal, I will be there by y'all's sides supporting you.
I have come a long way but, still got a long way to go.
He is still my baby boy I raise, the same wonderful boy, that is a man now. Yes I miss the grandbaby part, and daughter in law part but, it's not my life, it's my son's life, and I can not live his life for him, just as my parents couldn't live mine for me.
Hang in there, it can get better.
Writting in a journal, and thinking it all out, and talking to my journal with writting about my son, helped me to start healing.
It will be ok, if you just love, love, love, and they will love you back for it.

Wow. Thank you so much for your response. You have been through such a transition. It sounds as if you've had an especially difficult time since you seem to be from a conservative religion, with many conservative friends and family members. I admire you greatly for keeping an open mind, learning, growing, and never giving up. Good luck and much love to you!

remi59
Yes I feel I have lived in hell for a long time. But, I can live again after a lot of soul searching, and finding myself again. I don't worry much about my son anymore. You can not fix what is not broken, or what is out of your control. I just let God take over. And now I am free from feeling so guilty.
I pray you find a peace with it all yourself. Hugs!

HI Remi - it was kind of weird reading your original post, I could have written it myself (with a few minor changes).
My daughter is 14 (I do have a straight 27 yr old son from a previous marriage, and he does not yet know about his sister, and he lives with us...lol)
This may sound strange too, but I have always had this odd 'gift'. I can usually tell if someone is gay. Yes, with some people it's obvious, but not all. It's not something I try to do or even look for, it just happens... one example is when I met a male friend of a good friend of mine and when we left she asked me what I thought of him, I said he was very nice and why didn't she tell me he was gay... she vehemently denied that he was, she'd known hem for years. Two days later, he told her he was gay. This sort of thing happened numerous times. It's been an odd thing for me but I don't usually think much of it, it's just what it is. I was a massage therapist for years and have always been pretty empathetic anyway.
So when my daughter was just a tiny baby I got that 'knowing' that she was gay. I seriously thought that it had to be just a random thought because she was a baby for goodness sake! So I just put it aside. She grew up much loved and in a rather gender inclusive (rather than neutral or highlighted) way. She loved hot wheels cars, dinosaurs, stuffed animals, airplanes, dancing, science, etc.
I began to doubt my original 'feeling' when for nearly two years (4th and 5th grade) she and a boy were known to 'like' each other.
Then we moved (this was about two years ago). She had a falling out with him for some reason and within a year of being here she hit puberty and we discovered she has ADHD ~ and it had blossomed into a nightmare for all of us. It was early during this time that I had a talk with her and she admitted that she had a crush on a girl. I wasn't particularly surprised and gave her my unconditional love and support as you did with your daughter.
Then when alone, just like you I totally broke down and cried. I went through the same emotions and thoughts of possible loss of the type of relationship I had expected to have with my daughter. I felt terrible for being so upset! I've always had gay friends and even 'knew' about her. I too felt guilty for being upset. I guess it is a pretty natural reaction though.
I also finally came to realize that part of it was that I felt at a loss as how I could help her. I had been ready with advice on boys and relationships, but now...it was sort of like I felt unprepared and like I would be useless in helping her and giving advice. I'm the mom after all. The caregiver, the healer of hurts. I didn't have the answers now and it was terrifying.
It's been less than a year since then and just like you, I see her as the same wonderful daughter I've always loved and nothing has or will change that.
Interestingly, her close friends know about her and even the friend she has the crush on knows and they are all fine with it. Of course the crush is straight...so we haven't had to deal with a relationship yet, and she is only 14. When she talks about it she still seems to wonder if it's bisexuality. It doesn't matter at all to us and after I realized the about the parenting impotency part, I've felt much more at peace with it.
Of course right now we have our hands very full with her ADHD and the eating disorders that has created.... but that's another forum!
Thanks for sharing and for reading this, it's good to know I'm not the only one that had that type of reaction! I hope my story can be of some help too. Peace and love,