I feel your pain, I wish I had the knowledge about this addiction before it was too late. I always blamed it on my husband and his lack of responsibility, now I know from just reading here, that this is a horrible addiction that destroys many families and lives. My husband dug up such a deep hole, before he had a heart attack from the guilt and stress.
Most gamblers can't be trusted with money unless you want to live in denial and hide your head in the sand.
I know how you feel and pray for you. You'll find a lot of information here.

Gingye, I understand your plight. I too am the wife of a compulsive gambler. The two things that have saved us is God and our finances aren't together. If I can offer any suggestions, if there is anyway that you can separate your finances, please do so. Even if you have to do it on the sneak. I know to some this may seem horrible for a married person to have to sneak and do this, but the CG sneaks all the time and they are destroying the fianancial situation in your home.

See if your husband will agree to letting you take over the fianances of the house. Trust me when I tell you that no bills will get paid. In the beginning, our agreement was that I take care of the mortgage and my husband takes care of the rest. Well, one day I happened to be cleaning out the closet and took our coats out of the closet. Electrical bills and our gas bills fell out of the pockets of many of his coats. I saw red notices and opened them. I found out that he had not been paying the bills and we were on the list to have our utilities shut off. I had to move fast and luckily in the savings account I had the money to pay them off, but it leterally depleated our savings. I decided then that he could no longer be over paying bills.

One thing I never do is hide the fact that I know he is lying when he does or that he has messed up something like me having to depleat our savings at the time. I let him know, I know you are lying, I know you went to the casino, I know you blew you paycheck. My thinking is if I beat him to the punch before he has to create a lie, that is what I will do.

I suggest that you keep coming here and talking. That has helped me immensely. I have learned so much here. One thing I know for sure is that you must take care of you and your children if you have any. You can not change a CG. They must do that for themselves. Now, my husbands new thing is to tell me that he is going to get help. I am always positive when he says it, but he has said it many times before. I always tell him that "actions and ways speak louder then words", meaning, don't jst talk about it, be about it.

This is your husband, and I know you love him. I love mine with every fiber of my being. He is my bestfriend. Literally we have been bestfriends since highschool. I knew him when he was not gambling. I look at him and see the wear and tear on him. He is beginning to look old and worn out. That is hard to watch. I am 38 and he is 39. He is graying alot now. But, all I can do is sit and watch. I know there is nothing I can do but pray for him. But, in all of this, he still has not hit the bottom.

wow reading these comments has made me feel better and also more worried...the truth about this relationship is that because i gave up all my power to get into it ..i quit working.. i didnt keep a savings ..i allowed the only acct to be in only his name..blah blah blah .. i have actually made it easy to be a CG and the household philosophy is pretty much partiarchal and i agree to that too right from the get go...so i have to take responsibility for the fact that i set myself up..and royally...i am suffering from a pretty dibilating form of fybromyalgia.. recently found out.. and im wondering how i would even work to get an income that i could keep secure...but i know im going to have to try .. as far as paying bills.. i did pay the bills and manage the money until i started complaining about the gambilng and he cut off my ability to keep tabs on the acct like i used too. i had no choice but to give him the bills and tell him the cut off dates and consequences should he not pay them...he is putting the finishing touches on gaining unemployemt benefits.. he had a severance package since july that will be over next week..our income will dramtically drop..but he told me he has installed some sort of gamling block on the computer and that it is working...i know i have no power over this man or this addiction..i get so afraid for my future at times i wish i didnt even have one...and love is waning i have to admit...ill keep coming back .. and ill keep talking .. maybe that will keep me sane

It will keep you sane, because you see that you are not alone. See, that is what I felt. I felt like no wife knew what this was like. It wasn't until I happended to google and found this place, and it has been a blessing ever since.

Even if you don't say it, technically, you are the only "sane" one in your home right now. Your husband isn't capable at this time to think and act rationally. So, you are the head. You don't have to talk about it, "be about it"!! You will hav to step up and take over. This doesn't have to be a discussion, because this is something that your husband will never agree to. I just took over. I knew that if I let him continue to "say" he was doing what he was supposed to and promised to do, it wouldn't get done. Then we would be without lights, gas, water, cable, phone, cellphones. Is this right or fair that I do this, no!! But, I can't not have these. I have been blessed to be able to do this. And, when he does come through and not gamble all his money away, I use what he gives me and I stack it. But, trust me, him contributing is rare now because he blows it at the casino.

You are already taking a step in the right direction, you admit that you had given your power over to your husband. Now, you recognize that he can't have that power because he is a CG. Admitting that is alot. You aren't in denial. Now, you have to plan and strategize. And to be honest, I wouldn't include him in the planning sessions. You will be making decisions and thinking for the both of you. This is what I do, and if I had not, I would be in a world of trouble. You can do it.

As far as the promises to do better, block the gambling, signing off the casinos, going to GA........ I have told my husband "just do it". I am not and wil not believe a word until I see it done. Telling me you are going to do it means nothing . This may sound harsh, but I have heard it so many times, and nothing comes to pass. So this is empty to me. When he acts on what he says then I will listen and pay attention.

Gingye, I too stumbled in here looking for some place as an addict's wife. My husband and I have been married for almost 18 yrs and at this time I am a stay at home mom. Our young son has some issues and he just started Kindergarten this year so I started taking some classes at the tech college to get some better skills because I think I might have to support he and I when my older son leaves for college in 3 years See, he remembers when his dad was fun and involved with him and would be really upset if our family changed so I really don't want to do anything right now but my younger doesn't know a dad that isn't always on the computer, who has time for him so I think he will be ok. Plus, I don't have any money of my own so I couldn't leave if I wanted to. I hate to even think of leaving but I don't know what else to think! I think the committment to a marriage is important and realize addictions are a illness so I am struggling w/ how much is enough? How much neglect and disregard do I have to withstand before it's ok to say, this isn't my problem you dont see a problem you dont care how it is affecting all of us, I'm taking the kids--we're leaving! (not that I have the money TO leave) It started just over a year ago, my husband, who I personally think was feeling a little lost and depressed, started playing online poker. At first it was for free, then not and now we are months behind in our mortgage, I haven't made this month's car payments, or paid hardly any other bills for that matter! I seriously have like $50 to feed us and put gas in the cars for the next week, our acct has been overdrawn several times in the last couple months, we have bills in collections and I've even bounced some checks! Every cent we have he spends, and when I say we cant afford this, you have to stop! He says he enjoys it, he makes the money, if I don't like it--leave. So of course, i am constantly freaked out about money, but even more than that I am hate the way our home life is! He spends the entire time he's off on the computer,and I mean the entire time, on the weekends like 14, 16 hours--I'm not even sure he's sleeping and he's always in a tournment so he cant stop and do anything for anyone, talk to the kids run an errand eat dinner, nothing! Of course, since poker is a "game of skill" vs just a game of luck he truly believes that he can and will get better and everything will be fine, poker players always have stories of ruin before success, etc etc. As tho all of our issues with him are just about the money! My family has helped me out w/money as much as they can and of course emotionally but I am miserable and exhausted!

gypsy35, I know what you are saying there too. My husband is on the computer all the time too. He has ruined all of his bank accounts and credit. He has been doing this I would say for five years now. Or at least I learned of this about five years ago. He may and probably was doing this before, but it has caugt up with him and he has no control, even though he thinks he does. I have seen him on FB playing in Uno tournaments. I have seen him playing online domnioes and Spades. One thing I have done, and I learned it on here was to get paperless statements. So, the credit cards I do have I don't have any statements coming to the house.

I think it is wonderful that you have taken the steps to go back to school and prpare yourself to take over and care for you and your children. And in essence, you may be taking over and being the head of your household. Something, that he has dropped the ball on. Knowledge is key, when you know better, you wil do better. That is truly how I feel. I have learned so much and am still learning here.

wow its like you guys are living my life.. he is on the computer none stop if he isnt sleeping and he doesnt do much of that .. the gambling takes place very very late at night mostly while im asleep...as far as the accts .. he also has a few closed acct due to gambling and overdrawing them and not being able to pay it off..im not sure why this isnt considered some sort of fraud but he isnt getting any trouble legally from it.. today we have to go to the crisis ministries to try to get help to pay the power bill...never in my life have i had to do anything like that.. car insurance is also due before he gets an unemployemnt chk.again i have never been late with any of these things.. i do not live like this ..i never wanted to . he is selling stuff on e bay .. has money he said in paypal .. but i worry when he has money he can get too.. he did tell me that he installed some sort of blocker.. i got up to get some water last night and i see him gambling.. i asked him about the blocker he said he uninstalled it.. but he was play gambling no real money .. i said dont you think doing that will keep it alive and make you start to think maybe you can just put 10$ in?? he said what do you want me to do?? i said strop doing this.. but i have no idea.. i know that as late as the end of last week he gambled with real $...im like you gypsy ..i dont work outside the home and have no money to even try to leave.. so i dont even think of it ...as far as taking over..i dont see how i can ...i have no access to the chk card unless i ask him for it .. and he isnt going to turn anything over to me.. and he says its to keep me from stressing becasue he has it handled... i have to trust him.. well i dont trust him.. and i can see how its handled.. we will have no phone no cable.. no internet .. actually thats a plus ( but why should i suffer?)... and no car insurance and no power and possible no food..and no where to live while he handles it..im so angery i could just...scream!

Thanks guys, I do feel like I'm doing something positive for me and my kids by going to school because I am just not prepaired to live like this for the rest of my life... and I'm not just talking about the money here, I'm saying w/a person with whom I don't share any connection because they are so wrapped up in their own thing! But I get really upset when I do think about needing to choose whether I'll leave in 3/4 years because even if I'm making some money and don't need to stay because I can't afford to leave and am just leaving because my idea of a "good" life is something other than being married to someone who spends every waking minute on a computer, that makes me sad because I sure didn't get married almost 20 years ago thinking oh, it will be ok if it doesn't work out! I'm mad at him for jeperodizing the future we've always thought we'd have, the growing old together sharing grandkids thing, ya know? Anyway, we've always had our money together even when I worked and it just kinda happened when I had our second child a several years ago, he was making enough money that I didn't HAVE to work and could concentrate on the kids, etc that was our deal and now that the younger is in school I was planning on going back to school anyway and I feel like he's messing w/our deal where he takes care of the financial needs and I take care of everything else: him, the kids, the house, etc and do something, for the first time in a long time, for myself. I pay the bills with the money he's been paid and make the excuses and tell the lies as to why somebody hasn't been paid yet because I feel like if I don't then nothing will get paid, he'll just spend it on poker...plus I think it would freak me out more to not know how bad things are, I know it probably "enables" him to not have him be the one needing to choose which bill to pay but I just can't turn over all the power, so I nag and tell him to stop and am generally a bitch and try and hide money when there's even a tiny bit extra, and mostly wonder how this became my life where I go all day w/out my husband talking to me, I'm like a single parent at the school and family things and trick or treating and planning holidays etc., I have no money and things get turned off and I'm making excuses etc and I'm the one ending up feeling foolish! I feel so stuck not just financially but emotionally... stuck between wanting my marriage to work and wanting a better life for myself, that i deserve better and stuck between trying to do the right things for my kids, is a disfunctional together family better than splitting up?

So on to you gingye...girl, I don't know where you live but I'm about to drive over and get you myself! Seriously, do you have a bunch of kids or no car or no family or what? You need to open the phone book TODAY and walk to the nearest phone where ever that may be and call a woman's abuse hotline like, now. I'm not saying your being beaten and stuff but seriously if you are sitting in a house w/no phone, no tv, no power, no food, etc w/a man who won't "let you have access" to money, then honey...that ain't good!!! I think the (generally it's a) woman who answers the phone will definately be able to give you some guidence as to what avenues are available to you in your area to improve your situation! They're gonna like, know the name of a church that offers free counseling so you have someone to talk to, or how to go about getting yourself a job/schooling, or what goverment programs you qualify for, or like, legally what you can do about your access to the money, etc. 'cos it's not just about taking over the bill paying, cos realisticlly, whatcha gonna pay them with if he's spending it all? (cos that's what I'm dealing w/) It's about knowledge of options and I think it would be a place to start...say I need some help and I don't know who to call, can you help me? and I betcha they can!

I am a cg and my ex was a cg but he only gambled when I went along. Everything the others have told you is true. You have to plan and strategize on your own in secret. Oh btw I had fibromyalgia for 3 years and then I read about sweetners and how they affect some people and I quit the diet sodas and all the chemicals to sweeten coffee and in six months I was fybromyalgia free and have been for 7 yrs. Also my dtr had it and did same and she is free from pain. I even went through a year of steroids for the pain which is the worst thing one can do. Hope this works for you and you can get strong enough to do what's right.

Wow. I am am wife too...except unlike others who have posted to the dicussion I am the CG. My husband has put his trust in me that the bills will get paid, and what drove me to this site is the last Friday I finally had to admit to him that the only way we can rebound financially is the file bankruptcy. I am convinced that if he were go ge the last six months or so of our bank statments he woud probably leave me and take my kids. I rationalized all my bad habits by saying that because I am the breadwinner I can do what I want with our finances. He trusted me completely and I betrayed him. Even our our latest discussion where he threatened to leave me and take my kids, I gambled again. Can you believe that? I make very good money, and we do not have one brown cent in our savings. I get by from pay check to pay check using pay day loans that ulitmately cost a fortune. I CAN NOT AND WILL NOT let this ruin me and my family completely. I have to stop. Speaking from the spouse who is the CG I will say that at times I viewed gambling as a way to meet "small" financial short falls. If I could be 6 months free of gambling most of we could probably return to a positive cash flow. Fortunately I think I'm getting control of this addicition before it costs me my job. The reality that I could lose my career and family over this addiction did not set in until two weeks ago when a bill collector called my employer. My employer was courtesy and did not ask me to divulge the nature of the call...he kindly said the Law of Office of XXXX called and asked that you return the call. Since then I have been stressed and worried so much that I literally thought (as indicated in a post) that I was going to have a heart attack. I'm away on business travel for a couple of days, my husband has not answered the phone when I have tried to call....when this happens I'm always worried that he has decided to get copies of our bank statements and exposed my spending. As the spouses, specifically wives of a CG and I'm wondering if your advice to me as a "wife" who is a CG would be for me to come clean and tell my husband the extent of my gambling. The last time I was nearly honest I told my husband that I had gambled more than $15,000 in a year, probably under estimated and he forgave me. For over a year I for the most part resisted the urge to gamble and rebounded somewhat financial. Now in the past few months I have again lost thousands of $$. Our credit is ruined, mine and his because he trusted me the manage the finance. Do you think my husband will leave me if I tell him the truth.

wow...thanks guys.. yes i believe there is abuse in this home.. and i am addressing it with a counselor.. and the info on sweeteners is great im gong to quit them today .. i am spitting fiery mad this am .. i found an e mail for a verification of a deposit and i am sorry but YES i Did open it ...and 20$more dollars gone!!!.. i canceled an appt at the health dept today to see a Dr to save 20$.. and i find out it just got blown anyway .. and i also noticed there is an e mail in my name set up.. that i never set up...is there anything i need to know about people setting up gambling accts and gambling in my name??i don't care if i was snooping.. if there was any trust left i wouldn't half to...and i am hopping mad at being lied to again! i may look into those shelters.. its getting to the point of what do i have left to lose anyway

Hi Gingye, I read thru your post and the replies this morning. This caught my eye: "i also noticed there is an e mail in my name set up.. that i never set up...is there anything i need to know about people setting up gambling accts and gambling in my name??"


YES, there are things you need to know and DO!!! If your name is being used in an email, it is possible that credit has been taken out in your name as well.


Check YOUR credit history free at this site: https://www.annualcreditreport.com/cra/index.jsp It allows you one free credit check each year. If you request the report via email, it gives you immediate view of your credit. DO IT AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.


If credit has been taken out in your name, you'll see it. Contact the credit card companies as soon as possible to let them know you did not open those accounts.


I know about his because my husband of 16 years began taking credit out in my name fraudulently after ruining his own. He is an on-line poker player and also frequent visitor of casinos and home table games. I did not know for a long time.


He is self-employed; he would come home during the day to pick up the mail before I got home from work. He would mail the minimum balance to the credit card companies and then throw away the monthly bill. This went on for some time.


From your post I know you do not work. But, if at all possible, see how much a PO Box at the post office is and save up to have a PO Box opened and redirect your and husbands mail there. Hopefully, you have transportation, if so you can start picking up the mail to see what is coming in.


In my state we have a law for married couples called Dissipation of Marital Assets (may be helpful toward debts which have incurred since the marriage that has gone toward gambling). Contact Legal Aid, or an attorney who does pro bono work, or gives free consultation, to talk about your situation.


Meet with your bank, explain your CG spouses situation (banks are very understanding they have seen this problem grow exponentially over the past couple of years they may be able to advise).


If your spouse is physically, emotionally and/or mentally abusive (which is definitely correct of the latter two) find a domestic abuse shelter. Talk with them about your situation... They will advise and put you in touch with local organizations that can further help.


You may FEEL that you cannot do this, or that your situation is not as bad as you think... IT IS BAD. It will continue to worsen.


Contact/join an Gamanon group in your area. Here is a link to Gamanon's site: http://www.gam-anon.org - call the number for your area... they care, they will send you material.


Hard decisions lie ahead. But you will face a much harder situation if something is not done now. Realize you DO have a choice.


Loving someone does not mean you have to go down the tube with them. Sometimes loving someone means stepping aside so they can fall on their own and learn to get up on their own; or cry out to One Who can help them back on their feet.


After 10 years of steady gambling, my husband made a decision earlier this year to leave. It was his home for 20 years, he left behind pretty much everything: home, land, and family. He took whatever fit into his truck: some clothes, his laptop, the reclyner, the bed, and a cedar chest.


This is a very good site. There are many people here who know what you are going thru.


My heart goes out to you. debby

thanks everyone, thanks debby.. the credit in both our names is already ruined.. as is my rental history.. not a gambling thing but i broke tow leases to move in with him before we were married two different times.. i tried confronting this weekend and i was told i am abusive.. and that i betrayed him by looking at his e mail.. and basically that he was simply done with me...it was a very very long weekend.. then Monday morn.. its as if none of it happened.. i did have to listen t a long list of what he finds unacceptable abut me.. but i know now he will never ever ever admit his fault except in general terms and by saying.. well we both have issues.. we both this we both that .. its hopeless. i do have to think this thru.. thanks for being there.. o i did call a shelter.. but they didn't seem to think this was abusive?? the girl kept putting me on hold.. i guess that's not the answer..im just going to stick with the plan to get a job

Hi gingye.
WEll I read all the discussion entries on this thread.. Wowsers some good reads.. Thanks Ladies.
I am a compulsive gambler.. and for me:
I needed to be confronted, stopped in my tracks.As long as I could hood wink my spouse I did it. I lost respect for HIm and I.
This is an illness/disease, and will bankrupt in a NEW YORK SECOND.
It does't matter what 'gender, or High in STatus in Commuinity.. It will rob, rape and 'leave all in a lump of 'clay.
The Good thing about Clay , is ': it can be molded anew ; but someone has to add the ''hands and water.. lol..
computers are a wonderful technolgy.. saddly a place to gamble also..
But 'gambling sites require 'credit cards.
and Venues don't take food stamps..or buy our junk..so we can place a bet.
Gosh I would not have had to do yard sales eh?
HOw I sold, pawned, borrowed, stole monies to 'further my bets.. As long as I could get away with my smooth LIes.. I did..
BEing Cruel to Be Kind is not a New SAying it has been around ''a zillion years.
The hardest was learning how to be 'Kind in 'being 'Cruel which guilt stops.

For me.
When I 'started Recovery , not only did I have a committment to stop on a daily basis.
I had an assingment of committing to my relationship.
NO committment no ''notten..
Marriage is a Committment. NO Committment no marriage, it's just a legal paper and a ceramony church event .
Honestly 'when I started my Recovery, I did not love anyone. I did not love myself.
I said I Love you .. but it was Lip Service during my gambling and after.
When I learned to love myself again I 'was free to show, give Love and Mean it when I said it.
I Know from past experiences of being on the receiving end of a marriage with alcohol addiciton. I 'was the enabler then.
Alanon saved my Life. I had to get help or Die .
It did not save my Marriage. ; but it led me out of abuse. Neglect is Abuse. I suffered physical and verbal abuse at the hands of LIes that I believed.
IN my Gambing I did what 'was done to me except I did not verbally or physically abuse my spouse.
But what I did in 'behaviours 'was just as bad. I used his memory lapses. His stashes I stole from him . Avoided talking, skirted all issues. Only told half truths. Just to get him off my back or away from the Subject I was guilty of..
All a smoke screen. and if it works 'I worked it.
For me < I 'gambled and 'I could lie , cuz I could dismiss on a bet .
When money ran out. I would 'apologise. ; but given a new payday. BAck to the LIes.
As long as I could convince my hubby , I
ketp gambling.
When I stopped ..I hated myself so bad .. I was sick , sick enough to 'reach out for help.
I am glad my spouse 'finally got 'strong, got healthy and ''confronted me.. and would not let me 'skirt, avoid, or dismiss him .
That 'was the DAy I learned to Respect HIM again.
Committment is 'a two way 'decision.
One cannot make a marriage. or hold it together , it may look good, but , Denial sure is one strong LIE>
Thats my thoughts for now..
Please get help, For YOU. not HIm.. 'Let the gambler get his own help. As long as you are getting help for him,, he gets sicker.
Like I was told in Alanon , the whole family gets sick.. Amen. was true for me.
We all had roles friends, family etc.
Sandra gams5.

Gingye: I'm the wife of a gambling addict and I've been going through this for over two years now (I know it's longer but my head was in the sand while this BS was going on). It's the most difficult time of my life right now as my finances are in dire straights. We're on the brink of divorce and have two daughters who are torn up by this. Not to mention I'm about to uproot them to a different city and state which will cause God knows what kind of emotional distress for them (with leaving their friends). I work full-time and I'm just trying to make sure our bills are paid. We have our house up for sale to pay back so much debt. I just took over handling the finances once and for all, although my husband is against it, but I couldn't care any less about his feelings at this point. My advice to you is to do the same thing. Make sure your money is protected at all costs. Too bad for your husband if he doesnt' like it. You've got to think about yourself (and if you have kids) and try to make sure your responsilities are met. Gambling is nothing less than evil and it will suck the life out of you if you let it. DON'T. Be strong. You can do it. Right now, it takes every ounce of energy to get my head off the pillow every morning but I refuse to let this beat me and I hope you do the same. Take care!