Gambling Addiction & Recovery Support Group
Compulsive gambling is an urge or addiction to gamble despite harmful negative consequences or a desire to stop. A preferred term among many professionals is problem gambling, as few people described by the term experience true compulsions in the clinical sense of the word. Problem gambling often is defined by whether harm is experienced by the gambler or others rather...
I am having a bad day today. I am struggling with a gambling addiciton. Yesterday was pay day and the day I get to play craps. That is the best day of the week for me. I will now have 6 miserable days while I wait to gamble again. I stumbled across this forum while doing some research on gambling addiction and decided to share my story. I started gambling 5 years ago. I was immediately hooked on day 1. I am addicted to playing craps. Before an addiciton took hold of my life I had only been to a casino a handful of times. I had made a few sports bets over the years and gambled at a horse track a few times. Every time I gambled I always went too far. I would lose way more money than I planned on. It would be a one time short lived thing though. I'd lose, get angry with myself and not gamble for years. It wasn't until I went to a craps table that things changed for me.
When my addiciton started I was already in financial distress. I have always been impuslive and financially irresponsible. One night I went to a casino with a friend and I never had played craps before. I didn't know the rules or anything about the game. 6 hours later I was in love. It was the most fun I had in years, maybe my entire life as sad as that is. I walked into the casino that day with a couple hundred dollars in my wallet and walked out with a few thousand. It was fantasitc. I was so elated when I went home that night I couldn't sleep. I was able to pay off about half my debt from that one night at the casino. Needless to say I went back right away. For a while things were good. I would usually win a little, lose a little or break even but always had an awesome time. I loved that feeling of being part of something unique. The dealers knew me, other players knew me and it was my once a week getaway from my boring life. For the first time in my life I felt smart, attractive, cool, interesting, wanted, needed and important. Isn't that crazy? At a craps table. But it's true. I don't know why but being there was great.
The more I played the more I invested time in learning about the game. I started reading about betting strategies, dice setting and dice control. And I began to think that I could potentially influence the outcome of the game and turn something I loved, my hobby, into a way to make money. This is where things went bad for me. I started spending more and more money at the table. My bets increased as well as the amount of time I would play. Before long I was gambling away my entire paycheck in one night. This is when I started relying on the credit cards to get by. Then it didn't take that long before I was gambling with the credit cards. I kept thinking once I got my strategy perfected and once I became a better shooter that things would turn around for me. They never did. Then I think I kept playing out of desperation.
That was all a few years ago. I have since filed bankruptcy. I couldn't afford to pay my bills and was left with no option. That didn't stop me from gambling. I still play craps whenever I can even thought I am in bankruptcy. I am single, alone and have no money or anything of value to speak of. My life is devoted to gambling. Over the years I have purchased every craps related strategy book I can get my hands on. I have a practice table at home. I shoot dice every day at home. Hundreds and hundreds of times a day. All in preparation for the day when I get to go. I get to gamble one day a week. Pay day. That is the best day of my week. I wake up on pay day feeling fantastic. I will shave, cut my fingernails, put on my best clothes and go to work with a smile knowing afterwards I will get to gamble. I am smart enough now to put money aside to pay for my rent, car insurance, cell phone and food. Every other dollar I have goes to that one day of gambling. If I have a good night and do win I will leave with money. But only so I can return and gamble more before my next pay day. I ration my winnings to allow me to keep playing. I don't even care about money anymore. I just want to keep playing.
No one knows I have a gambling problem or that I even gamble. I have no friends. I am not close with my family. I am a total loser. I have lied, cheated and stolen so I can keep gambling. If you handed me a million dollars today I would be at a craps table 16 hours a day until the money was gone. I have yet to try to stop. The problem is I am still in love with the game. Even though it's ruined my life I can't let it go. When I pinch those dice between my fingers, even in my apartment living room, I will smile. I can spend hours reading about craps. I constantly reflect on my best days. There is no better feeling in the world than being at a craps table on a winning streak. The excitement of the other players, the excitement of the dealers, feeling like a hero, feeling like a winner, nothing will ever compete with that. I have had some great nights gambling. As sad as it sounds those are the best memories from my life. It's those memories I think I am chasing. And part of me still thinks I can get to a point where that is what every casino night will be like. Even though I am a gambling addict and gambling has ruined my life I don't want to stop. I want to to learn how to win. And I know that's not possible. But I don't want to have to give it up. And I'm struggling everyday as a result.
Someone my age would usually have a home, a family and a normal life. I have a good job. I am intelligent. I have a good personality. If I didn't gamble I could have had all those things by now. What I fantasize about is meeting somone who also plays craps, who wants to dedicate their life to playing craps and we would be a traveling craps team. We would drive around the country, making money playing craps, doing odd jobs and live a free spirited lifestyle. We would see the country from a motor home as we headed on to the next casino. Typing that out and reading it I realize how ridiculous that sounds. But that's where my mind is at. I don't want to be normal. I don't want to have kids, work a 9 to 5, come home and mow the lawn. I want to live life on my own terms. Unfortunately being a ramblin' gamblin' man isn't a realistic life goal. I know I have to stop this and grow up. I just don't know how or where to start.
I always played blackjack and slots, but one of the dealers thought I would like craps, and suggested it to me. The first week I played, I had a roll where I hit the Fire Bet, and I went home with $9,000. I thought I was invincible. I too had never experienced a high, a rush, a thrill like craps. I too read the books on dice control, watched the videos on beating the casino, and developed a throwing system.
The next week, I put the $9,000 back, and then some. I lost about $68,000-75,000 in casinos total between 2005 and 2015.
The first step, @High59, is recognizing that you have a problem. And I think you're there, so congrats.
The next step, @High59, is doing something about it. I self-banned from casinos in the tri-state in 2015. I didn't want to get arrested, so that was a huge help to me. I also utilize this forum, see a therapist, and read a lot of self-help books.
The past two and a half years have been amazing. I got engaged, married, and bought a house. My business took off (a lot easier when you're not gambling 3-6x per week), and my income level is now kind-of amazing. (About 6x above where it was when I quit gambling. And growing.)
I'll be honest with you, though: There is still nothing like craps. There never will be. We're addicts. As much as I enjoy being my husband, as much as I love being able to actually afford a $5,000 outfit or $10,000 vacation if I want one now, I'm not going to lie, the rush of getting a new client or buying something extravagant is never the same as the rush of craps. Or gambling, in general. Nothing probably ever will be.
I read something in a book once: Life is not about what you gain. Sometimes, life is about what you give up. We're constantly giving things up, whether it's diapers or training wheels or the thought our parents are invincible or the relative safety of a school system and venture into the real world. Ultimately, we give up our youth, and then, eventually, our lives. As much as I love craps, as much as I would love to go and play right now, I know that doing so would put everything else I've built in recovery in jeopardy. And so, day by day (and sometimes, even now, hour by hour), I choose not to go. I give it up, much like I've given up the dolls or video games or other things I loved in my youth. It's time.
I'm not saying it's not hard. It sucks. But it is what needs to be done.
Wow, you can really write. You put me right at the craps table with you, although I haven’t played a table game in years, there’s too much interaction with humans for me to feel comfortable at the tables.
I played poker machines. I didn’t love them but I thought I needed them. I guess you could say I needed a secret life to continue not facing my actual life. I’ve spent so many years striving to be a perfectionist, that alone is the equivalent of banging my head against a wall; mix that with with an unhealthy dose of ocd and that is how I’ve always coped. I also suffer from depression. Geez, I sound like a mental case! I am. And a compulsive gambler, an addict with a monkey on my back.
I wish I could remember enjoying my secret life. I can’t. I’ve always felt dirty and stupid gambling, imagine that. I loath comps. I don’t want a free drink. I don’t want anyone congratulating me on my luck! It’s baffling me to try and put myself in your shoes, you love it and I hate it.
I suppose you’re having a hard time understanding my mind set when gambling, it’s pitiful and dark, a death wish in so many respects.
Gambling leads to insanity for me. Period.
So, today I will not gamble
Nancy,
I am glad to see someone else has walked in my shoes and changed their life. I can only imagine how hard it's been not to gamble. I definitely have respect for you and what you've accomplished. Sometimes I feel like something has gotten inside of me that I will never be able to get rid of. It's like I've been cursed with this knowledge of how great things can be when on top and it's not something I can just forget it and am chasing it forever. I have also hit the fire bet before and it's definitely up there with the top 5 experiences I've had at a craps table. I honestly do not want to stop gambling. I just know I have to. My life will be stuck exactly where it is today if I don't. I am still clinging onto to the hope that somehow I can make this my life and that I can be successful at this somehow. I realize that's not the case and can see the damage it's done to me. I do need to grow up, let go and move on. I have the ability to self-ban in my state. Maybe that is what needs to happen. It may be the only way I won't go. Otherwise I will be a bitter old man at a craps table someday.
Robin,
Thanks for your compliment. I think if I loathed gambling it would be easier to stop. But despite all the financial problems it has caused me I am still in love with playing craps. When things are going well at a craps table there is nothing else in the world quite like it. It's those moments I am chasing every time I go. It's like winning the Super Bowl. The suspense of the roll, seeing the result, getting handed stacks and stack of chips, high fiving strangers, making the dealers money is all a great experience. Unfortunately that only represents a portion of what actually happens. If I could erase the 10 bad days for every 1 good one I would never stop. I'm just being honest.
I've learned to become a functional gambling addict if there's such a thing. My bankruptcy takes care of itself and I save enough money every week that all my bills are paid on time. I haven't missed a payment on anything in over 2 years. I just have nothing else. If something comes up like a car repair or I need new clothes I won't gamble that week and I will be miserable until I can go again. I spend about $600 a week at the casino these days. It's a hard life to live. Like sickofmyself said there's no magic pill. If I am every going to move on it's going to take really hard work and dedication plus a self-ban.
I agree it's time to grow up. I just don't know how. I feel like I am at a crossroad. I am either going to go all in on changing who I am or resign to this lifestyle. I think that's why I've become more self aware that this is an addiction. It's not normal or ok. I am sick.
I tried quitting 3-4 times before I was successful. But for someone who was going 3-6x a week, making sure I didn’t go, say, just Monday, every Monday, was a start. It created some space. I had some time to fill to do other things. It helped.
Eventually I was able to stop Mondays and Tuesdays. After a few months, I wasn’t going on weekends, either. And then it was 10 months I went cold turkey, but then I relapsed, but was ready to self ban.
Maybe just try. Just stop going one day a week, see what that does. You say it doesn’t feel like a possibility right now, but maybe it could over time if you just start with a little space between you and it.
In the height of my action I felt that the times gambling was the best of my life and times I could not were the worst. (The opposite is the truth.) Making a conscious decision that I cared about myself to take care of myself and monitor my own thoughts to divert urges as well as doing whatever was needed to NOT gamble. Forcing myself to exercise, make new friends, revive friendships that had been neglected, make friends with myself, repair my spiritual relationship with my higher power and generally remember what else I love about being alive.
Today I have hope, I have faith, a sense of humor, a sense of wonder, curiosity, a desire for knowledge, quiet time daily, I have shelter, food, health, friends I see regularly, a loving, forgiving, higher power, an income that I don't squander, and my self-esteem. (It was all in the ditch three years ago.) Life is better gamble free.
every single post.
skip's "either get on with living, or get on with dying" stopped my heart.
I've been riding the fence of middle age life lately -- and my own "existential" crisis may in fact come down to this simple statement of realism. What is my choice?
With any of my addictions (smoking which I now have 7 months clean) eating (gained weight yet again) and gambling (1 yr 8 mo clean) it really did come down to just that.
I'm at the point in life, if I am going to go back to smoking I am going to just accept it, accept how it could kill me (maybe even sooner than later), and make that choice. As I write that what an insane death sentence to accept!
But what I will not do is go back, pick up, start the addiction again and then feel like crap for every min. of every day and conspire how and when the next quit will occur -- so I'll be smoking and miserable over it. NO If I smoke, I'm going to actually kiss off illusion and misery of getting clean again. Here I go w/ ILLUSION again - that I can happily smoke with no guilt and especially w/little repercussion. Isn't that the dream of any addict -- to use, be able to do "what I want to do" with no adverse outcome. OMG
With gambling.........going back, that would be awful. It could quickly change the core of me -- turn me into a liar, a desperate person, anxiety ridden person, a homeless person - or certainly a financially on the edge human, and I would not do well with that --- I know myself well enough to know that would be hell on earth.
With the food. I still struggle. I try to be overweight and happy; but it never can be. Need to do some emotional work on weight/body/worth. It is a shame to be not trying to fix it, yet miserable in with the outcome/symptoms.
Aside from the discomfort, cloths not fitting, image/ego, there will be/ are health consequences. Choices. Yes, I have a strong compulsive addictive personality, but I do have some level of choice.
That phrase quoted about the "pain" needing to be strong enough for the change.
Also the CARING. Which I will pull from quit 4 good with the fine outline of actual events that you pushed into action, bringing about a new attitude.
Much to consider - and just writing this revealed my own false beliefs and thoughts... good therapy
If I can USE.... whatever substance and maintain my current state.... well that is most likely not an addiction.
If I USE and am an addict it WILL end up killing me, maybe sooner, maybe later. But it will.
As said so succinctly before me: having tested these substances/activities (gambling, smoking, food) can I do what I want and maintain? NO.
So.... if I cross the line now, and use... I am get on with the dying.
It is not a passive exercise at this point for me. I have some clean time. I have tools. This would be an intentional CHOICE to throw the addiction back into major action.
i am primarily a sports bettor, so there are no self bans...just suffereing. and if u want to gamble u will will find a way around self exclusion.i have had periods of no gambling in my life, most recently 74 days and 89 days in the ladt 2 years and have always tried to avoid watching sports and that actually triggered me harder along following my teams, stats etc ...until this time when i read a comment by someone on this thread who said something to the effect that its not sports that make me gamble, its the fact that im an addict that makes me gamble. so ive taken it head on and watch sports every chance i get knowing that this will not be a trigger because i wont let it and it helps realize the destruction of bad beats, chasing etc...in other words avoiding sports wont stop my addiction. only i can do that. so what im trying to say is you have a gambling addiction, and u obviously have self esteem issues like most of us gamblers do and u are scared to fall into a boring life of obscurity, ive been there so many times...the only way is to stop and if u cant seek therapy...its just abstinence, but very, very difficult to overcome. you may want to gamble every day for the rest of your life. that may just be who you are...but the stakes and destruction will only get worse. as with any addiction there is no maintenance...good luck in whatever u choose to do
i will not gamble today