Gambling Addiction & Recovery Support Group
Compulsive gambling is an urge or addiction to gamble despite harmful negative consequences or a desire to stop. A preferred term among many professionals is problem gambling, as few people described by the term experience true compulsions in the clinical sense of the word. Problem gambling often is defined by whether harm is experienced by the gambler or others rather...
I am having a bad day today. I am struggling with a gambling addiciton. Yesterday was pay day and the day I get to play craps. That is the best day of the week for me. I will now have 6 miserable days while I wait to gamble again. I stumbled across this forum while doing some research on gambling addiction and decided to share my story. I started gambling 5 years ago. I was immediately hooked on day 1. I am addicted to playing craps. Before an addiciton took hold of my life I had only been to a casino a handful of times. I had made a few sports bets over the years and gambled at a horse track a few times. Every time I gambled I always went too far. I would lose way more money than I planned on. It would be a one time short lived thing though. I'd lose, get angry with myself and not gamble for years. It wasn't until I went to a craps table that things changed for me.
When my addiciton started I was already in financial distress. I have always been impuslive and financially irresponsible. One night I went to a casino with a friend and I never had played craps before. I didn't know the rules or anything about the game. 6 hours later I was in love. It was the most fun I had in years, maybe my entire life as sad as that is. I walked into the casino that day with a couple hundred dollars in my wallet and walked out with a few thousand. It was fantasitc. I was so elated when I went home that night I couldn't sleep. I was able to pay off about half my debt from that one night at the casino. Needless to say I went back right away. For a while things were good. I would usually win a little, lose a little or break even but always had an awesome time. I loved that feeling of being part of something unique. The dealers knew me, other players knew me and it was my once a week getaway from my boring life. For the first time in my life I felt smart, attractive, cool, interesting, wanted, needed and important. Isn't that crazy? At a craps table. But it's true. I don't know why but being there was great.
The more I played the more I invested time in learning about the game. I started reading about betting strategies, dice setting and dice control. And I began to think that I could potentially influence the outcome of the game and turn something I loved, my hobby, into a way to make money. This is where things went bad for me. I started spending more and more money at the table. My bets increased as well as the amount of time I would play. Before long I was gambling away my entire paycheck in one night. This is when I started relying on the credit cards to get by. Then it didn't take that long before I was gambling with the credit cards. I kept thinking once I got my strategy perfected and once I became a better shooter that things would turn around for me. They never did. Then I think I kept playing out of desperation.
That was all a few years ago. I have since filed bankruptcy. I couldn't afford to pay my bills and was left with no option. That didn't stop me from gambling. I still play craps whenever I can even thought I am in bankruptcy. I am single, alone and have no money or anything of value to speak of. My life is devoted to gambling. Over the years I have purchased every craps related strategy book I can get my hands on. I have a practice table at home. I shoot dice every day at home. Hundreds and hundreds of times a day. All in preparation for the day when I get to go. I get to gamble one day a week. Pay day. That is the best day of my week. I wake up on pay day feeling fantastic. I will shave, cut my fingernails, put on my best clothes and go to work with a smile knowing afterwards I will get to gamble. I am smart enough now to put money aside to pay for my rent, car insurance, cell phone and food. Every other dollar I have goes to that one day of gambling. If I have a good night and do win I will leave with money. But only so I can return and gamble more before my next pay day. I ration my winnings to allow me to keep playing. I don't even care about money anymore. I just want to keep playing.
No one knows I have a gambling problem or that I even gamble. I have no friends. I am not close with my family. I am a total loser. I have lied, cheated and stolen so I can keep gambling. If you handed me a million dollars today I would be at a craps table 16 hours a day until the money was gone. I have yet to try to stop. The problem is I am still in love with the game. Even though it's ruined my life I can't let it go. When I pinch those dice between my fingers, even in my apartment living room, I will smile. I can spend hours reading about craps. I constantly reflect on my best days. There is no better feeling in the world than being at a craps table on a winning streak. The excitement of the other players, the excitement of the dealers, feeling like a hero, feeling like a winner, nothing will ever compete with that. I have had some great nights gambling. As sad as it sounds those are the best memories from my life. It's those memories I think I am chasing. And part of me still thinks I can get to a point where that is what every casino night will be like. Even though I am a gambling addict and gambling has ruined my life I don't want to stop. I want to to learn how to win. And I know that's not possible. But I don't want to have to give it up. And I'm struggling everyday as a result.
Someone my age would usually have a home, a family and a normal life. I have a good job. I am intelligent. I have a good personality. If I didn't gamble I could have had all those things by now. What I fantasize about is meeting somone who also plays craps, who wants to dedicate their life to playing craps and we would be a traveling craps team. We would drive around the country, making money playing craps, doing odd jobs and live a free spirited lifestyle. We would see the country from a motor home as we headed on to the next casino. Typing that out and reading it I realize how ridiculous that sounds. But that's where my mind is at. I don't want to be normal. I don't want to have kids, work a 9 to 5, come home and mow the lawn. I want to live life on my own terms. Unfortunately being a ramblin' gamblin' man isn't a realistic life goal. I know I have to stop this and grow up. I just don't know how or where to start.
You ask if it's wrong to enjoy playing craps. Or if you could make this a profitable venture for you. Or if it would still be "wrong."
I've been there. Totally.
There are two types of journeys: The first are the types of journeys you go on with the end in clear sight. Examples are if you're training for a marathon, enrolling in college, or taking a training course. You know fully well going into it what you're going to expect at the end: A personal record (PR) time, a medal or degree, a higher salary, etc. You put in A amount of effort, you get B result out. Simple. Easy. You see a lot of people on this forum go into quitting gambling with this mindset.
The second are the types of journeys you go on with no idea where you're going to end up. You know you have to make a change, but you don't know where exactly it's going, or how much you're willing to change. And that's great too.
I'll tell you an example: I used to be addicted to food as well. (Yes, this is relevant.) Think daily servings of fast food, potato chips, candy, and lots of fried food. I finally got up 35 pounds and knew I needed to do something, but I wasn't sure how much I was willing to change. So I consulted a dietitian. And when she saw my honest week-long food log, she was actually repulsed. But, like you, I wasn't sure how much I was willing to change.
I started slow. Like, really slow. As in, one day per week of healthful eating, the next two days of eating like crap. After a few weeks, I realized I was actually losing weight, despite only dieting a grand total of 2 days/week.
That inspired me. And then I started dieting 3 days/week. Months went by. I got to the point where I realized I felt better on the days I ate healthier, and started eating right Monday-Thursday. Then I got inspired, read magazines and healthy eating books. Eventually, I was eating right in a 5 days on and 2 days off pattern, exercising every other day, and keeping a food log on my own -- but, seriously, it took years to get here.
That's the key here for you. You don't know if you're willing to change all the way, but you're willing to do something, and that's great. That's a start. Just start with the Mondays off. Get used to having a full bank account for 24 hours. Remember: There's nothing wrong with you for feeling the way that you do. Don't beat yourself up. Just start with where you're willing to do.
Maybe, after a few weeks or months, you'll realize you feel more clear-headed on Tuesdays because you're not gambling on Mondays. Maybe you'll stop two days a week. Maybe you'll get to the point where you're not gambling five days a week, and only partaking on weekends. Maybe you'll enjoy having money during the week so much you eventually want to quit completely so you can enjoy the weekends as well.
Or maybe not. Maybe you'll just gamble less. It's better than nothing. Start there.
Remember: Progress, not perfection. One day at a time.
I was also addicted to food. My food addiction and gambling addiction started at the same time. I used food as a way to sooth myself when struggling with large gambling losses. I also used food as a way to treat myself on the days where I could't gamble. Junk food is cheap. Smoking cigarettes also became part of my routine. I smoked before I started gambling. My smoking really ramped up as a result of my gambling though. I was up to a pack and a half a day. About 2 years ago I was able to quit smoking. I was also able to change my diet and I lost 75 pounds. I do a good job of taking care of myself these days on those fronts. I eat healthy. I do not drink or smoke. It is really just gambling for me. I think it was easier for me to change my diet and quit smoking because the consequences of those 2 additions was easier to see. I got fat and felt terrible every day when I woke up. The consequences of gambling aren't as cut and dry.
Monday is my casino day. That is the day I get paid and the day I always gamble. I haven't missed a Monday in years. I am not going tomorrow. I'm not telling myself that I am quitting. I am not giving up gambling or making any promises or deals with myself. I am just going to take one day off and go from there.