been there, done that, its ok,

day one, you'll be just fine


see you tonite

god speed

My last day was 2/24. You made it here, that's huge. You cannot go back in time, but you can go forward.

The secret part is part of what makes it so sick. We are constantly putting on a mask to the rest of the world while being obsessed with gambling. If I was not gambling I was either thinking about gambling, the next time I could, thinking about where to get money or thinking about how to cover what I lost.

Hi @chargergirl,

You sound just like me a year ago. The pain, the anguish, the self-disgust, the despair, and the shame. I'm so sorry that you're going through this.

The only way out is through. My best advice is to try everything you can -- some things will work for you, some won't, but you need to keep on trying, one day at a time. I quit through self-banning, getting a payee to pay my bills and control my money, this forum, journaling, and a lot of therapy.

You must quit. You must stop doing this to yourself. Make March 17 the start of a new life!

Hope you are feeling a little better today :-). I can remember what it feels like to have a day like you had this week. The good news is that you don't have to have another one like it. It is not easy to change but it is the only way to get sane, healthy, safe, secure, etc. Take extra good care of yourself right now - it's important. All my best to you.
penny

The other good news is that if it was the worst day of your life - as my rock bottom was - it is a great motivator to NEVER want to feel that way again.

Anxiety will cause you to gamble. Something no doubt triggered you yesterday -- it may even have been something small, like a passing comment or the weather or SOMEthing. In addition, you may be a typical self-loathing gambler and as you started making headway in NOT gambling you thought, at some level probably not conscious to you, I am not good enough to not gamble. I am not good enough to not F-- up my life. And worse, I'm not good enough to tell anyone I know about my gambling problems. Or, you might have felt, I've been SO good -- I deserve a little gambling today. I've been so good! But, hard as it may be to believe in that moment, that's not being good to yourself. It seems so FUN.
I so hope it works out with your landlord. As NZ said, it sounds like you really need someone handling your money for you now. If that's too embarrassing for you or you don't know anyone who would do it right, at the very least, set up barriers for yourself immediately. Barriers, barriers, barriers. Low ATM limit. Ban from casinos. And try to touch base with the 'real' part of yourself that's not about the mask you present to your friends or even the compulsive gambler you present to yourself. There's a core self that can view what you do with detachment. I think this is what people try to access when they meditate. when you're anxious, you can't get there. So do whatever you can to calm your nerves -- short of another addiction! Go to a therapist. A 12-step group. Anything. Wishing you a quiet mind -- madscratcher

CG, I am right there with you. If you heard a crash on Monday night that was me, hitting my rock bottom. I was so sick and scared. I have to go talk to my bank. I was absolutely so full of self disgust and self loathing. I thought what a relief it would be to just get it over with. I believe in God and I believe in Heaven, but at that time I didn't think I had a chance to get there anyway...I never wished I had a gun before. That night I did. I've thought about it before, but never to this level. I am beyond tears.
There are a couple things that have happened since then. I have talked to people (embarrassing but a relief) and I went to a GA meeting. I still have no relief on the financial side, but people have assured me that I most probably won't go to jail. Just so you know, I didn't rob a bank, but I did write a bunch of checks. I am going to post a link to a really good program. It will make you (hopefully) know that you are not alone. The most promising thing is said by the lady at the end -These people (pathological gamblers) show the most amazing resilience. It gave me hope and a new resolve. Whatever happens, I will get through it, and stronger. You too. We can do this. Hugs, ~atticus

Here is that YouTube video. Understanding Joy: The devastation of a gambling addiction. It is excellent.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=03kQXimVcrw

You can get through this. I hit my rock bottom on April 30, 2014. I was in the same position you are in today. I had isolated myself from my friends and family. No one had a clue what I was doing to myself. My entire life revolved around gambling. I would gamble before and after work pretty much daily. There were also times I would lie and say I had different personal problems (flat tire, cable went out, etc) to stay home from work so I could gamble. I borrowed everything I could and lied to withdraw as much as I can from my retirement account. I sold everything I felt I didn't need. I took thousands in cash advances from my credit cards. I took every personal loan I could find (some with interest rates as high as 30%). I spent every dollar I could at the casino.

In combat when someone survived a near death experience they now call that date their "alive day." While I never had an alive day in the military I still consider May 1, 2014 my alive day. At that point I was already at my wits end. I was struggling with the massive gambling debt I built and nearly out of options. I had limited access to credit and was running out of ways to finance my addiction. I felt desperate, ashamed, depressed, humiliated and worthless. On that day I went to the casino after work convinced I had to make something happen. All or nothing. I was in way over my head and had in excess of $100,000 of debt related to my gambling addiction. I believed I needed a big win to get myself afloat again and wasn't going to stop until I had it. The truth is I knew I wasn't going to be able to gamble as I had been much longer and couldn't bear to face that reality.

I got to the casino around 4 PM and didn't leave until 2:30 AM or so. Over that time I lost tens of thousands of dollars, all borrowed on credit cards. I stayed and gambled recklessly until I had no access to money. On my way home all I could think about was how I could get more money. Rob a bank, rob an armored car, find an elderly wealthy person would couldn't defend themselves, steal valuables from work and sell them. This is where my mind went. By the time I got home I felt so ashamed of who I became all I could think about was killing myself. I did not deserve to live. I felt like the world's biggest scumbag. Blows his life savings at a casino, borrows money he can't pay back to gamble and then rationalizes robbing a senior citizen to keep himself in the lifestyle he was accustomed to. I did own a gun at the time and struggled with why I shouldn't just end the craziness right then and there. That was a tough night. But for me, that was my alive day. That was the day I really open my eyes and embraced the idea I need to not only conquer my gambling addiction but change everything about who I am.

It took me 6 more months of trying and failing but I finally was able to stop gambling. It's now been 16 months since I have gambled. I can't begin to describe the countless ways my life has improved. Looking back at the person I was on the morning of April 30, 2014 seems surreal. I can't believe that was me. Don't give up hope. No matter how far you've fallen you can and will save yourself. One day at at time...

Great video and so true. Let it be a lesson to all of us and a wake up call on how bad things can get.

highlimit, your story brought me to tears. I think that sometimes we don't realize just how devastating this addiction is until we get down to the nitty-gritty details of what the darkest days were like. I am thankful that you are here with us and I am thankful that you are doing well.

I too struggled with getting stopped and considered and attempted suicide more than once due to my gambling and associated bad behaviors. The self loathing may be the worst of it and the hardest to overcome.
Suicide rate for compulsive gamblers is higher than for the general population. Please, if your are feeling suicidal keep the National Suicide Prevention number (1 (800) 273-8255) on your phone, on your refrigerator, on your bathroom wall, on a sticky note in your car, where ever you might need it. Talk to someone about how you feel, nothing is so bad that we cannot get through it. Hugs and Prayers

Chargergirl I just recently went thru all of what you have done and feel. It's only been a week but I am taking 1 day at a time. The support of people on this site has been amazing!

My rock bottom, with both my gambling and my drinking, in a way was the greatest thing that ever happened to me. I do not mean to minimize the pain and sadness that comes with it, but because of my rock bottom I have taken care of myself in a way I never have before. I eat healthy, exercise, pray, read, self reflect, and I am starting counseling. My rock bottom forced me to look at the WHY, the demons I buried deep down since childhood, and now I can work through them. I'm so excited for this new chapter.

Again, the rock bottom still SUCKS and no one will deny that. But where will you go from here? It's the first day of the rest of your life.