Have you seen that movie? I have, but the only thing I remember about it was a kid flying on a magic dog. I definitely needed to hear about "The Room", and have been listening way too often to Natasha Bedingfield's "Pocketful of Sunshine." Why? For the "take me away!!!!" part. I know you know what I'm talking about; like all the flying dreams I had as a child - I just want to check out sometimes. To be totally away from being me. Guess everybody feels that way sometimes. The movie "What About Bob?" comes to mind when Richard Dreyfuss tells "Bob" (Bill Murray) to "take a vacation from his problems". Makes sense. Wish I could.

Yesterday was my friend Judy's chemo day - thank God this time the only noticeable side effect is hair loss. "only"? What a world! We went earlier this time and the room was full. all chairs filled. A sad state when all the cancer facilities all over the state of California are filled to capacity. Hmmm. I almost broke down and cried right there. 2 of the chairs had really young women. 1 was early 20's and another couldn't have yet been 30. I don't really buy that: "they're old and they've lived their life" crap either cause we really don't know if they have. We don't know what it takes to live ANYBODY else's life, but so young, maybe they've just started and brother, that's a tough way to walk no matter HOW old you are. I've had "the scare" but never ended up in those shoes. Maybe that's why I go with Judy. Cause I would want someone with me if I did; and she don't have nobody. Truth be told, it's hard to hang out with her. I'm learning a lot though. I'm learning to be positive and encouraging, and silent when I should be. I guess I don't understand why hardship and trouble makes some people softer and more pliable and compassionate, and others it just makes harder and angrier. She's the latter, unfortunately. I just keep loving her though, and trying to be there when I can. I wish she had someone, though, of her own - man, woman, cat, dog, heck. even a goldfish or two. I've asked her about it, but she only says "there was one once, it didn't work out." She's 75. I've been hurt awful, terrible bad in my life - many times; guess I'm just too stupid or pigheaded to stop trying. I was 39 when I met this husband, and though some days I feel I could just hit him in the head with a shovel and wake him up to dig the hole - I love him awful, and for once in my life, he treats me well, and loves me back.

The neverending story is for me, the endless pain. I'm taking a ton of drugs, and yet I'm no better than I was 5 years ago, 2 years ago, a year ago. Still fighting the lack of transportation, trying to get to new pain dr. Not excited. When I was at Judy's this time I took a shower in her bathroom and noticed (Who does this??!!) a counter length mirror right across from the shower, so you step out in your all together and BAM! instant WTH!!! Who is that humungous fat lady?? Crash goes all the self esteem, BUT I came to a realization. This last year, I hardly moved, which made me less able to move, which increased my pain, so I moved less, which increased my pain, so I moved less,and so on and so on, ad nauseum. Talk about your vicious circles!! So, starting today I kept that picture in my mind and realized I had made it worse on myself by not pushing through and moving more. That being said, I'm not going to be moving any furniture, but I'm determined to 1. when I can, get up and do it myself, 2. stop and think before I try to placate my (other issues) with food. Pray for me, I will need the strength.