Ugh, You have no REASON to feel like a bad mother!!! Sounds like you do the best you can and we don't deserve ppl making fun of us.

I have to admit, my husband is NOT always the nicest. He told me yesterday when I mentioned the humidity and pain "yeah, the sun is out and its bad weather for you!" Really made me feel bad. He has been hearing a lot of my family drama.

What is true is that many men can be jerks when their wife is sick. Many men (mine) want to fix it, if it is not a fix needed, it makes them mad. They feel powerless and we all know what power seeking men act like.

I hope you can get some counseling and let them talk to your hubs about the mental upset YOU FEEL. You need support. I hope you guys can at least try this. ((((((hugs)))))))

sapoho,

I am so sorry that this is happening to you. But my first reaction is this..
Why is your Husband making this all about him? YOU are the one that is in pain and YOU are the one suffering from these conditions and he is making this all about him.

I would suggest he go with you to a Doctor's appointment and have the Doctor talk to him and explain this to him. You know life is full of many unknowns and this could have happened to him. I wonder how he would feel if this was all reversed and he was the one in pain each day. Wouldn't he want your support and kindness and compassion? I am sure hew would.

So maybe that is something he should think about the next time he acts insensitive and rude and ignorant. Also he can Google things and educate himself. That is what a person should do to try to learn as much as possible about what you are dealing with and going thru. Of course he cannot ever fully understand because he is not the one in the pain but he can make an effort to earn about it and act like he cares and show that he cares.

You are right. He needs to be reminded of his vows. Then he needs to honor them. If that doesn't work maybe a kick in the butt will...lol
I am not making a joke of this at all but I think he is being so insensitive and it is just beyond my comprehension how someone can act that way. Maybe you can say this to him.."I am so sorry that MY illness is an inconvenience to you.: I have said that to a few people and it has worked and they stopped and they stopped and thought and they realized that they were in fact making it all about them. Maybe you can write your Husband a letter. That might be something to think about too. Just a suggestion.

He is making this all about him. That is the problem here. You are the one suffering and he is being so selfish. I hope you will be okay.
The best advice I can give to you is to take care of you. Focus on you because you don't need to get more sick from the stress of him being so rude. You are doing the best you can. Be gentle with yourself. Gentle hugs to you.

I wanted to add one more thing. You know people say "oh Husbands and men are fixers" and they just want everything to be okay. Well we also need their support too. It is not about them "fixing" our medical conditions and making everything better. It is about compassion and support and caring and kindness and cooperation and helping us when we need and ask for help whatever it may be and to not cause us more stress. First and foremost a Husband should be a friend. Then a Husband. If he cannot be your Friend at the worst time in your life then when will he be? Anyone can stick around when life is good. That is easy. You need someone that will stand by your side when life is not good.
Then you know that they love you and care about you. I have always believed that. I know it to be true.

It is not your fault this happened. This is him. He needs to learn to deal with things and cope better and be more supportive of you.
I hope that you will be alright. I really mean that. I feel so bad that you are going thru all of this and that he is acting this way towards you. I hope he will go with you to your next Doctor's appointment.

(((HUGS))) for you.

I don't know why he's making it all about him. When I was pregnant, he was not like that.

I was in a Fibro research study under I. Jon Russell last year, and my husband went to one appointment with me. He showed us a video on fibro and during the video when the people were describing their symptoms, hubs was agreeing, "That's you! That's you!". He get's it, or got it then.

And when he is sick, I buy him medicine.
He works outside, and I bring him cold drinks.
I buy him those cooling towels - sinceI live in Texas and it's 100 degrees out there.
I think twice before I spout off ignorant spiteful comments out of frustration.

I have suggested Google. I have suggested he accompany me to more doc appointments but he is "too busy". "Too tired".
And I have apologized for my illness not conforming to his schedule of beer drinking and motorcycle riding.... or attending a plate sale to raise money for a fellow members wifes' medical bills.

I haven't written him a letter, but I have texted him, a nice, to-the-point, well thought out text, that went unanswered and he didn't say a word to me when he got home.

I just feel like I am at the end of my rope at this. It's been two years. Arguing hasn't changed it. Doctor advice hasn't changed it. Talking hasn't changed it. Being honest and saying "Hey, your behavior hurts my feelings" hasn't changed it, either.

I know I was dumped by a boy friend who couldn't handle my stresses plus his supposed stresses!
When, my Ex-hubby was sick I Nursed him but, when,
I was sick he couldn't wrap his head around me being sick, duh! Some guys are looking for a Mommy replacement in their women, I swear!

sapoho,

Your Husband sounds like he is being emotionally and verbally abusive. This is not your fault.

I don't know what to say other than to focus on you and take care of yourself and your child. Don't you ever feel like telling him to just "Grow up!" He is acting like a toddler that is not getting his way.
Ignoring is a form of abuse. Did you know that?

You don't need to apologize to him for being sick and this happening to you.
This is not your fault. your Husband is being very insensitive to say the least. This is who he is and you will have to figure this out and make a choice if this is who you want to be with because stress is horrible for Fibro and health issues. I wish things were different and he was supportive. It is really so sad and I feel so bad for you. You can message me anytime if you need to talk or vent or need someone to listen.
Gentle hugs to you.

What you've described sounds exhausting. The people we should be able to count on the most, should be the people we can count on the most. A diagnosis disrupts the norm so quickly. Some can cope and others let legitimate concern morph into toxic panic. Who can prepare for this? It sounds to me, you're dealing with a person who lacks the ability, at this time, to face uncertainties and be empathetic, so he resorts to what he knows, going out drinking with his buddies, no uncomfortable feelings to face there. It never feels good to feel abandoned. Can I encourage you to take the steps to face this challenge? Go to counseling with or without him. Gain the skills to tame these lurking fears. Save your energy to manage your pain and care for your daughter. No matter what happens, you need the skills to survive this. I hope you don't give up. Your not a crappy wife and mother, if you were, you wouldn't be here looking for answers. You shine!

Gentle hugs

Don't let him make you feel less because of this what ever
You want to call it. You need to do whsts best for you.

Sounds like he is catered to too much! Let his ass fend for himself. He isn't a cripple and is more than capable of getting his own drinks and cool towels! You have a lot more on your plate than he does! Spend your energy on your son and what you need to do! He can also mow the grass instead of hanging out at the bar. I am sure you have other things you need to do like laundry! He needs a major wake up call and he needs it now! If he can't even consider you then return the favor. He just might get the message.

This post really pissed me off, so I am going to be totally honest here. I think that you need to Stop this nonsense or walk away.

Okay, First things First: YOU are not a crappy wife and mother! HE is a crappy husband and father!

Your's is not a choice: it is an illness
His behavior is a choice!

He may think that he is punishing you for being ill or lashing out at you because this is something that he can not fix or running away from reality because he is not man enough to face it and deal, but the reality is that he is punishing your child for nothing. Each time he leaves for hours or lashes out at you, he is punishing that child. You are an adult and can understand that he is being a child, but your child does not understand that. All he knows is that Dad is lashing out and leaving me.

I think that you need to lay it on the line; tell him that you would like to go to counseling, because the two of you are not communicating and supporting one another. If he refuses to go, then tell him that you are done.

Calmly Tell him how you feel, when you are both calm.
Tell him that you have not chosen to be ill, but it is your reality and it is also his reality. Remind him that this does not have to be completely life changing, if he is willing to work with you.
Tell him that he is either in it with you or he is against you, but you can not handle his rejection and belittling of you.
Tell him that he may think that he is punishing you for being ill, but reality is that he is punishing your child.
Tell him that you know that he does not understand your illness, but that is no excuse for laughing at it and at you.
Tell him that you will do all that you can to educate him about the illness, if he is willing to learn.

I realize that this hurts you more than anything else, but I think that it is time for you to get angry and not hurt.

I hope that you can find solutions to improve your life.
Hugs

I'm with D.
That's BS.
You don't choose to be feeling this crappy but he's capable of choosing his response to it, and he's gone the nasty route. His reasons may be valid (in his head) but till he and thee are in counseling in a safe place to discuss it? Definitely time for the very calm "Dear, it's time we talked about something".
I've done marital counseling a couple times. it's why I'm still married.
Borrow some roar, take a chunk outta his butt, and make it clear that if he has issues with your illness, your child is not "in play". Kids are off-limits. that's final. I've got PTSD for a reason---and it's that kids were fair game to my dad.

Yeah right on, D! He needs to work on HIMSELF of you don't need him. (

He can work on himself with or without you. You don't have to be with him for him to work on himself. He needs to grow up. You don't need this stress in your life. I hope that you will be okay. Take care of yourself and your child. That is what is most important. NONE of this is your fault.

On a side not...Let HIM mow the yard. What is up with that?
That is such a bunch of crap. Is he healthy? Then he can mow the damn lawn!

All helpful ideas... here is another perspective to add to the bunch.

I have been in similar shoes during our marriage. A large part of our marriage was well shall we say... very "challenging" ( if you are a glass is "half full" type of person.) All the typical ... not feeling believed... the guilt... husband shutting down ... we wouldn't even talk to each other most days ( walked around like room mates) it was very discouraging. Its like we weren't even friends anymore. Intimacy, Sex, closeness and bonding-- none ( if I said how long we went without... NO one would believe it- again it was like roommates - for years) How we both didn't go mad- I will never know... well actually my husband might be one of a few men out there that isn't going to initiate it when we haven't even spoken to each other for awhile. It seems that most men can flip that sex switch and then go back to the mad. We just can't do it. Therefore... we HAD very little holding it together.
You are not alone!

After all those years ( soon to be our 25th ...) I have learned something. I did not think it could be possible for anything to change. NO WAY things were going to get any better. I just didn't think there was a way that they *could* ... how "could" they after everything that transpired over the years? I thought he was going to be stuck with this sick wife- I didn't want that for his life.
Well it did get better. A lot better. In fact...( it really sounds cliche' but its true) we have a better marriage NOW> sheet yeah it took years but if you are going to be with someone ( take wedding vows as intended ) all you have IS TIME> and everything changes. If two people ARE NOT happily married... BUT WERE at one time (obviously they got married) it can change right back to good ... Flip flop. Up down. Side to side. Good and bad in a good period of time and good and bad in a block of a bad period. It feels more like its morphing in some way, every day. Its transforming in tiny ways rather than its black or white.

The first thing I thought of when I read your first sentence-- please hang in there -- you "were" okay at some point together-- thats a lot more than some ... hold on to that thought! :)

Why should someone "hang in there" with someone when they are being abusive? I don't get that concept at all. However he was before he is not that way now. Abuse is never okay...NEVER! It upsets me that he is treating her this way. She is not well and doesn't need the stress and emotional abuse of anyone let alone her Husband that is supposed to be there for her no matter what and be supportive in ever way. Obviously he seems to have forgotten his vows. HE is the problem. Sometimes things don't always work out the way we want them to in life. Nobody plans on getting sick. Nobody gets married to get divorced. But nobody gets married to be mistreated or abused either.