Fibromyalgia affects the whole family unit. Your Hubby is being insensitive and unfair. Would you say that to him if the tables were turned? None of us asked or volunteered to be chronically ill. I'm sure you would try to be very supportive. It may not be great for him but it certainly isn't "fun" for us either.

Men want to fix stuff and when they can't they get frustrated. As my mobility has deteriorated due to severe OA and now my lower back (DDD with severe arthritis) we do different things. He takes me for drives around the countryside, we go out to lunch or breakfast and do small projects together around the house. Being my primary caretaker is stressful. If he wants an afternoon or night off to do something away from home, I'm fine with that. He can't always be focused on me and whether I am going to fall again, have a new health problem etc. That's not healthy.

It's important that you speak up and tell him that his comments were upsetting. Especially since he didn't seem to invite any input from you about how to change things. When I got sick, I retooled my interests to better suit my limitations. I have three butterfly gardens that are set up to be fairly maintenance free, I work on genealogy (I have a tree of his family history too), and a variety of other things. Some people walk together, do puzzles, play board games, go to movies, concerts, join a book club etc.

If nothing else, maybe some joint counseling is needed. Under ideal circumstances, marriage is hard work. It take two to tango. I hope that you can get it figured out. Hugs!

I cannot blame him for being upset about the situation. I am upset too. Both of us are still grieving this change. It will take some time to become adjusted and accept it.

I do agree that if the tables were turned he would want me to be obliging and accepting.

I do like your idea of long drives and picnics. There are so many nice places to visit nearby me. I think I had almost forgotten that simplicity can be just as nice and fulfilling as more lavish pursuits.

Have you thought about couples therapy? It could be very helpful for both of you. Chronic pain stresses a relationship tremendously. DH has gone to my therapist a couple of times with me. Fortunately, he's adjusted very well to my inabilities, probably because they didn't all show up overnight. My therapist did point out some things that have helped us communicate better.

I do hope you can find answers that suit you.

Hi
As empty nesters and before I knew I has fibro. I thought we are growing apart but in reality, we weren’t.
He had his hobbies with his friends, golf, sports etc.
He’d go out with the guys to see a game at the bar. I dont do bars because I have an alcohol problem.
I had my lunches with my friends and rubber stamping expos we’d go to.
The hubby and I fell into a normal beat.
We had date night one or two nights a week.
We would shop...he would shop, I’d just look, haha!
Or we’d do a movie and perhaps a dinner or lunch or a walk with the dogs.

Then we’d puts around the house.
If he was yardworking I would make lunch of his favorite food.

He was 53 when he died and I was 51.
I was recovering from Back fusion surgery and one of my favorite days was
A long drive to the eagle place.
We didnt talk much, I wasnt sure I could finish the drive down there but I did and all we did was look, walk a little and eat lunch.

I’d tell him often how I felt with my pain and energy.
I said I’m not complaining although I am, haha, but I want you to understand I wont be able to walk a mile anymore or ride my bike anymore. And you saw the photo of my fat grandma....that is what is happening to me since I am not active. I can try and that’s the best I can do.

Great response Fantod.
I learned about his fanatic love for old bands and music.
I was learning all about all the electronics he had, receivers, tape players to record the radio to a tape to a cd etc...

The year before he died we were getting immersed into our church and the Bible.
This could be a good outlet for both of you as well to strengthen your marriage vows and expectations. Just a thought.

Please get your husband to read books about fibromyalgia and take him with you to your doctor appointments.

This story sounds familiar, though. But I met my husband after fibro came into my life. When we were dating, he was the most supportive guy, so sweet and helpful. But then when we got married, all that went away and he acts like he's sick of me most days. He's never home and when he is, always ignores me. He complains that I'm incapable of doing/ handling anything, yet he dumps all of the house chores on me because he works and I don't (I'm on disability). Several times we almost decided to separate.

Adjusting to the many changes Fibro causes or any long term illness can be hard for not only the person who has the illness but the whole family. And when you think you have adjusted you lose more of your abilities and go through adjusting again.
I encourage my partner to go out and do things with friends and family that she enjoys. She isn't sick and deserves to have a life without guilt. I also go with her at times and just sit and watch while she enjoys activities. When we are able to go out and enjoy a movie or eat out I make a point of thanking her for supporting me. She needs to know that I don't want her to fix it but just to listen and be aware of the challenges I face at the time.
It is good to do things apart and then come together and share your ideas or things you have done. Hobbies are a good thing. If your partner sees you are filling your life with things you can do then they will fee more like allowing themselves to do things they like without judging themselves or you. I hope this helps in some small way.

Yes, all the feedback is very helpful.

It's been difficult for us to find things to do together because most of the things we used to do were physical in nature. We just have to find some new hobbies.

He knows that he can go out with his buddies and I won't mind. I have a book club and do things here and there with my girlfriends.

We were in couples counseling last year for a while and it helped some, but the progress ebbs and flows. I think that this time if I do counseling it will just be for me.

I also need to find some of my own new interests too. Being home and doing a lot of nothing besides resting, when I'm not working, tends to make me hyperfocused on only what's going wrong.

Find some positives you can focus on and make a list of the things, you both CAN do rather then focusing on the things you can't do.

Try to see yourself as a victor instead of a victim and get out of the house and into nature whenever you can. It will do you both good, even if it's just sitting on the shore by a lake or the ocean and listening to the surf or reading a book under the sun on a warm day. Plant a garden if you are able....Just being outside enjoying mother earth is healing.

God Bless