Family Issues Support Group
Family issues is a huge range that go from minor conflict to major misbehaviour and even abuse on the part of individual members of the family occur. Whether you feel you are in a dysfunctional family or you're dealing with a very specific issue, this is the place to talk about it and find others who might be going through the same thing.
I'm generally a caring, generous and open person. I have an easy time getting a long with people and I enjoy helping others. I volunteer with the homeless, at a woman's shelter, and with pets at a rescue agency. I am a foster parent and have a daughter of my own. My biggest fault is giving when I have almost nothing to give. It was also how I was raised.
But when it come's to my big sister I swear I don't have a heart. I can't get myself to care about her anymore. As a back story she abused me physically, mentally and emotionally as a child (burning me with cigarettes, locking me in a closet for days at a time and on and on). She is a thief who is no longer allowed in my home as she has stolen so much, including money from my daughter. She has abused many drugs in her life, the biggest being crack for years. She lost her children (I raised one) and prostituted herself out for the drug before being arrested for selling to an undercover and being sent to federal prison. Now she uses on and off and drinks a butt ton of alcohol. She is manipulative, self absorbed, and dramatic.
She is my sister. And she may be dying.
No one has seen actual proof that she is dying. But her story has had enough of the same key points and knowledgable terms (she tends to not put much stock in her scams and often messes up the facts and doesn't care) that it has a little more substance than usual. The doctors however, cannot find a single thing wrong with her other than her symptoms. She lives off a diet of candy and chips that she has stolen from various stores around the city. She occasionally eats a peanut butter sandwich but only if my mother will supply her with the bread and peanut butter. Or a meal at a resteraunt, as long as someone else buys it for her. She refused blood transfusions until she was hospitalized and told to either get them or stop wasting the doctors time (in kinder words) but she refuses so much else. She won't take care of her body through diet and exercise. Because she 'hurts so much' and as for food....I don't freaking know.
It hurts my mum deeply that I can't gather up the emotion to feel bad for her. And it bothers me as well. She is literally the only person in the whole wide world I feel like this about. I will give my last $5 to buy a homeless man a sandwich.....I wouldn't give it to my sister. It makes me feel like a monster.
But when it come's to my big sister I swear I don't have a heart. I can't get myself to care about her anymore. As a back story she abused me physically, mentally and emotionally as a child (burning me with cigarettes, locking me in a closet for days at a time and on and on). She is a thief who is no longer allowed in my home as she has stolen so much, including money from my daughter. She has abused many drugs in her life, the biggest being crack for years. She lost her children (I raised one) and prostituted herself out for the drug before being arrested for selling to an undercover and being sent to federal prison. Now she uses on and off and drinks a butt ton of alcohol. She is manipulative, self absorbed, and dramatic.
She is my sister. And she may be dying.
No one has seen actual proof that she is dying. But her story has had enough of the same key points and knowledgable terms (she tends to not put much stock in her scams and often messes up the facts and doesn't care) that it has a little more substance than usual. The doctors however, cannot find a single thing wrong with her other than her symptoms. She lives off a diet of candy and chips that she has stolen from various stores around the city. She occasionally eats a peanut butter sandwich but only if my mother will supply her with the bread and peanut butter. Or a meal at a resteraunt, as long as someone else buys it for her. She refused blood transfusions until she was hospitalized and told to either get them or stop wasting the doctors time (in kinder words) but she refuses so much else. She won't take care of her body through diet and exercise. Because she 'hurts so much' and as for food....I don't freaking know.
It hurts my mum deeply that I can't gather up the emotion to feel bad for her. And it bothers me as well. She is literally the only person in the whole wide world I feel like this about. I will give my last $5 to buy a homeless man a sandwich.....I wouldn't give it to my sister. It makes me feel like a monster.
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Hey All...I hope that you have a lovely, peaceful beginning of your weekI have a bunch of chores that need doing but may put them off til tomorrow and just hang out with my landlord/roomie todayWhat about you?...Anything special going on?Have a great day and take good care of you!!..Xo
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Once again I've had a fever today. I'm not going to the hospital because that's a huge waste of time but I did schedule a dr appointment for Wednesday afternoon.
I would say that your feelings are understandable considering you've had to endure a lifetime of emotional and physical abuse at the hands of your sister. Also, stealing from you or your family is a betrayal of trust.
Your sister based on your post has a substance abuse problem that no one in the family can change unless there were some type of family intervention to get her into a treatment program. Even with that said, no one can make your sister change her lifestyle unless she is willing to make the change herself.
It's very sad for the rest of the family to watch another family member follow this type of lifestyle path but it's certainly not your life long responsibility to care for her either.
I would talk with your mother and be open about your feelings and let her know that if she's this worried about your older sister then perhaps it's time for your mother to open her home to your sister and see if she can get her the treatment that she needs.
Has your sister ever been in treatment for her substance abuse?
What trauma did SHE suffer as a child?
I suppose it's possible for people who have has an idyllic childhood to fall into despair, but in my opinion, damaged people are usually damaged for a reason, what do you think broke her?
I realize "everyone has a story" and the only one who can save your sister is your sister.
There also must be a reason the YOU feel like "a monster" maybe try to think of it like this.. that homeless man that you would give your last 5 dollars to... He probably has a brother that feels exactly about him the way you feel about your sister! So maybe it all balances out in the end? someone who doesn't take your sister's ways Personally, will help her.
Now YOU could change your perception and learn to not take your sister's actions personally... but that would require a lot of growth on your part, and it's not easy.
For now, I would be kind to yourself and let other family members try to help her. If you don't have it to give, you just don't.
Good Luck
I got breast cancer, not one word of support of compassion from her. So nope I don't feel guilty, I tried my best.
So please don't beat yourself up about this. I wasted far too much of my life appeasing, pleasing and placating my sister and it brought me years of hardship and a cycle of toxicity between my mother, sister and myself. I hopped off that train.
It's good that you don't give her any money... I would most likely just go to drugs
Enabling her in any way isn't helpful for her
There are so great episodes of Intervention on Youtube
https://ca.video.search.yahoo.com/yhs/search;_ylt=A0LEV7zeSxpXU10AZQUXFwx.;_ylu=X3oDMTBsa3ZzMnBvBHNlYwNzYwRjb2xvA2JmMQR2dGlkAw--?p=watch+full+episodes+of+intervention&hspart=iry&hsimp=yhs-fullyhosted_003
Families and Friends of Addicts
http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Families-and-Friends-Of-Addicts/support-group
It's heartbreaking to come to the realization that you can't save someone.
Easy for me to tell you that you shouldn't feel any guilt or pain though.
Have you considered going to Alanon?
You can try an intervention as so many of these folks are saying if you want to, but don't get caught up in any type of manipulation.
I have a friend who has some non-malignant narcissism issues-tendencies-she's not full blown. She is a good person and does care very well for her grandson, so I know that she has a heart. However, she can take advantage and suck people dry.
I only give her what she needs at the time, and I don't give her anything extra. If I don't have time for her, I call clear boundaries. I do care for her and do check on her but I try not to get sucked into the "poor me" deal. BUT I just do this because I have problems too and am poor as well.
You either have to use very clear boundaries and verbal judo or back off completely. Time will tell.
Good luck to you and thanks for your post.
My sister has been in rehab twice, she has done sober living, and she goes to NA. Though she just manipulates the programs so that she can appear like she is getting better but she is not. She does not want help. She wants sympathy and enabling.
My sister was sexually abused by the same uncle I was. That's what broke her. The. Same. Uncle. I. Was. However, at just three years of age my mother had a child psychologist tell her that my sister was beyond help....and showed signs of sociopathic behaviours.
My father.....our father in act but biologically only my father...passed away when I was 7 and my sister was 15. Our mother started working three to four jobs at a time to keep a roof over our heads. By then my older sister had already gotten pregnant and had her first child right after our dads death, whom my mother was also raising. So 5 kids. My sister had full access to us because my mother relied on her two older children to care for the younger ones while she worked. My sister abused all three of her younger siblings but the youngest the least. My mother I'm sure knew deep down, but she didn't acknowledge it until my sister left our home and we were homeless and living in a car.
Do you know how unfair that was? That tainted how YOU saw your sister from the very start.
What's done is done. The past is gone and we have only this moment.
If you can't bring yourself to care about your sister. You can't. Don't be hard on yourself. Let go of the expectations of what others think you should be doing. Embrace the now and if your sister actually ASKS you for help. Access how you feel in that very moment.
I am not overly religious... but I like to think of the stories of Jesus and how he loved mankind. What would he do?
I don't think it's fair to you, to expect you to be around and immerse yourself in your sister's troubles when you have been so damaged by her.
You have your own issues to deal with. If you are ever in a good enough place to communicate how you have dealt with being abused by your uncle, maybe you might have words for your sister that could help her? Sexual abuse "breaks" many people. It doesn't break everyone and I think those are the people who might hold the tools to alter a "broken" person's perspective, because they know what worked for them..
I'm not saying it's your responsibility to do that. You need to take care of you, first and foremost.
Sending good vibes your way, Jolene!
There have been so many opportunities for my sister to get help about our uncle. He molested her when she was 7 as we used to spend summers with them. I was molested at 8...mere months after my father died. I have dealt with it and moved on. My sister refuses to deal with it as she has used it as her crutch for her whole life and every shitty decision she has ever made. She told her daughter, about 10 at the time, that the reason she never stopped strange men from crawling in her daughters bed was because she was abused as a child. Seriously??? CPS granted me custody of that girl right after, and I got too see the mess my sister left behind in that girl. And her other children as well.
I think most of how upset I am at how I feel comes from how guilty I feel due to my mother. I love my mum. She gave up everything so her kids could use her as a stepping stone to succeed in life. My sister is still standing on my mums head and drowning her....there was no step on and up for her. And my mum loves all her kids...so it hurts her to see how we treat our oldest sibling. I know my mum crys about it. And knowing Im the cause of those tears kills me.
It's not easy to come from the background that you were raised in.
That said, you really can't compare your sister to yourself. So much more goes into behavior...genetics, brain damage, etc. You have no idea if your sister had brain damage from being shaken or in an accident as a child...or even from birth injury. That damage wouldn't show up until an autopsy. Mild brain damage in a kid in a healthy environment, would hardly be noticeable. Mild brain damage in an abusive environment may be enough to sink your sister.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-PpDq1WUtAw
As for your mom. Hug her. Comfort her. She's probably dealing with guilt herself. It's hard to raise a child. And orders of magnitude harder to raise a child when things start to go wrong (I lived it...I Know!).
As I tell my kids: If you can't look back and see things that you'd have done better...then you've never learned anything in this life.
It boggles my mind to think that being sexually abused as a child would lead a woman to let her OWN child be sexually abused. In my logic it would lead to being over protective to the extreme so the same thing wouldn't happen to them!! Why on earth would a Mother want her own child to experience the same hell?
How was it that your uncle gained abusive access to you girls?
It's doubtful that you and your sister were his only victims... There could be a long legacy of abuse in your family spanning generations. Stopping the cycle is so difficult
I would just level with your Mother and say you don't have it in you to extend grace to your sister. You're sorry and you wish you could do it for her, but you just can't right now. Tell her you will help her personally ( your Mother) in any way you can, but that's all you can give right now.
I am shocked that any therapist would say there is no help for a three year old???? since the formative years go on to about 5 years old... Teens can be helped with defiant disorders however they need the right help and direction
I think the family dynamics here are really damaged and family therapy could help a great deal but only once she gets sober
Your mom continuing to enable her may help her to feel better in the moment however it's keeping your sister sick...
It's wonderful that you stepped up to take care of her daughter... I am so sorry that you were all hurt so badly as children
It sounds like she hasn't healed... and continues to self medicate... I would not enable that in any way, shape or form...
Perhaps being 'cut off' completely will then push her to really be part of wanting to heal and get sober...
As long as someone supports her this will never happen as she needs the substance .... Addicts aren't happy people... They're sick people....I've lived with it as well and I know that the behaviour can make it very hard to bear
No, you are not the cause. the cause is the circumstances that you are all trapped in, a toxic cycle. I really agree with the advice about going to a support group for addicts, and maybe you and your mother going together.