Hi everyone, I am so happy this forum exists! Reading through other stories I feel like mine is "not as bad" but need to remind myself that we all have our own journeys and pain is not a competiton. Thanks to everyone before me who has been brave enough to share their stories.

For the first eleven years of my life I thought I was growing up in a healthy nuclear family, however in retrospect I realize now that it is not normal for dad to sleep on the couch every night and for mom to scream and chase me with "the wooden spoon" regularly. Growing up my mom struggled with anxiety and depression but it was never named as such. Recently I spoke with my father about this and he didn't even know. He believed my mom's story that she took anti-depressants for her throat and didn't know why she stayed in bed for weeks on end. I can remember my dad yelling at my mom, her fleeing to her room, and my dad continuing to watch tv. I remember crawling into bed with her and trying to comfort her as she balled. Some weeks she would not get out of bed at all. When I was eleven my parents divorced and I later found out my mom had already been dating my future step-dad at that point. My step-dad never got along with my sister, which caused friction. Around that time I realized I was a lesbian and really withdrew. Nobody noticed because they were so busy fighting in court for money. My mom and step-dad had a son and that took a lot of focus off my sister and I, as well. My sister and I were supposed to live 50/50 but we spent more time at my dad's which cause financial issues in court. My dad started dating a girl in her mid twenties with a one year old and quickly invited her to move in with us, which caused more upset. Long story short, I continued to tell myself this was all normal, and nobody spoke about anything. I became obsessed with receiving positive attention from my parents and consequently earned 95% averages and joined every school club in existence. It didn't work and I was still labelled a problem child by my mom. She experienced post-partum after my half brotherand really struggled. She was very clingy, yet also very anxious and depressed, which meant that I didn't have a mom "like the other girls." I never learned to wear make-up or dress well and was embarassed by her mannerisms and anxious nature. During this time my sister and I grew apart instead of leaning on each other for support. My mom read my diary and discovered I was gay before I was ready to tell her which was traumatic for me. We never spoke about it. I ultimately moved away at 17. My mom is now chronically ill (which I believe is psychosomatic since she is off her depression meds), and we are not talking. My sister and I are distant yet I am making efforts and last week I got her to speak with me for a half hour on the phone which was a small victory. I am successfully rebuidling a relationship with my dad and have no relationship with my step-dad. My half brother has serious behavioural issues and I can't stand to be in the same room as him. I feel like I have no family, even though I tell myself to focus on my dad. It is just heartbreaking to me and I shamefully find myself getting jealous of friends who have good relationships with their immediate family. All my mom does is talk about her chronic illness and she recently told my 9 year old half brother that she wishes he were never born and he ruined her life. That is an example of how she talks to her children and selfishly puts her emotional baggage on us. She never dealt with her issues and always talks about how we had it better than her. Yet she is the one making things bad for her children; she can't see that. I guess I'm just looking for support. Does anyone else feel guilty for experiencing profound pain in response to a family that "isn't that bad" according to others? I just can't seem to get over this. I guess I always thought my relationship with my mom and sister would improve as I headed into adulthood. Yet here I am at 24 and it is actually getting worse. I am facing reality and it's so hard. I am taking courses in social work on topics like family systems and attachment and it is making me see things in a dark way.