Hi Epic,

For the majority of the posters out here they suffered severe abuse both physically and emotionally. I just don't want to minimize what anyone has gone through with so many different scenarios of the definition of abuse.I just think that topics like this can open up old wounds so for me, I want to be careful so as not to hurt anyone unintentionally.

I slapped my son once when he was 12. He and two of his friends thought it would be very funny to buy fake blood at the joke store at the time and pretend that my son was hit by a car. His two friends came running in my back door screaming for me to come running because my son had been hit. I ran out that door with my heart in my mouth and all I could see was my son coming towards the house limping and all crumpled over, (covered in red). I was so full of fear that I didn't notice right away that it was fake. He was covered in red, dirt all over. They should have won an award for how realistic his injuries looked, (well from a distance). When my son got closer and stood up straight and they all started laughing, I was still frozen in fear. The boys kept laughing at me because I couldn't move. "It's a joke, it's just a joke Mom, I'm fine." When I could move and I for the love of God don't know where it came from but I just slapped him in the arm and I mean hard!!!!!!!!!!!!!! To this day I regret that. I don't know where it came from but that amount of sudden fear made my body feel like it was on fire! Instead of thanking the powers that be that he was alright and not half dead, I slapped him... To this day, my son laughs about that and still reminds me, (Mom, you struck your son). Well not so much in the last three years because we're estranged from him. Some might laugh at the story and say he deserved it but I don't feel that way. It's not a good feeling to carry around.

Now, could my son tell people that his mother abused him once, I guess he could. That's why this discussion thread is a bit hard. I can't imagine what it would be like for children to have to suffer through what they've had to endure and still be compassionate adults. And on the other hand, there's your point of view and then there's me, "the stooge in the middle"

And I don't know for the life of me why I'm babbling on other than the subject of child abuse is not something that I can comprehend.

pd2012, it is because you are human that you reflexively hit your son on the arm. I might have done worse and in that scenario, it doesn't matter if it was right or wrong. You don't terrorize your mother that way. It is an incredibly helpless feeling that goes against every fiber of how a parent feels. No one would consider that abuse. But I think strict parenting can cross the line. I was taken by the young asian woman's statement that "I have asian parents so I get abused all the time." Well-meaning asian parents think they are being good parents when they make their kids study and keep them away from "bad" kids and social vices. American parents would consider it abusive to make their kids study religiously 4 hours every night, every weekend, and private school all summer. Most American girls expect to be able to wear make-up and start dating at age 14. Asian parents wouldn't hear of it. I think it is worth having the conversation, but I take ATGB's point that we should never discourage people who feel they have been abused from coming forward. Absolutely. I have never felt otherwise. I just think it helps to hear all sides of every issue.

PD, you did not abuse your son. You gave him swift, immediate feedback that what he did was horrible. It's called discipline. It was on his arm and he was 12. He got off easy!

I'm late to this conversation but I wanted to add my experience with "abusing my son" for PD's benefit. First please please know that caring about your child is not child abuse.

When my son was about 16, and 6 inches taller than me, he did something or said something that put me in a rage. Now if you knew me you would know that I never raise my voice, never get angry, never ever get physical. My kids never were spanked or dragged through a store. Well I moved like the wind across the kitchen and pushed my son up against the wall behind him. Pinned him there and told him if he ever, ever did that again he would be sorry and he better apologize to me right that second.

Scared the crap out of him and me. But it got my point across. And it never happened again. Over the past few years when my son got a little full of himself I would remind him that he's not too big for me to take him on. He always laughs or grins but he also remembers.

Sometimes we as parents react in a way that upsets us. The fact that we are upset by what we did makes it caring and not abuse.

Thanks everyone for the feedback. I've always felt guilty for that incident because I think as a parent, you should have better control over yourself.

Trust me, I've had many times that I've stared at their jugular veins for things they've done!

I don't want to take away from the adults out here that have gone through the types of things they've had to in their childhood. It just breaks my heart that any child has to go through that type of evil.

Many cultures out there raise their children much differently than we do here in the US. It's their culture; it doesn't make it right and as long as they are living in this country, the parents need to abide by the cultural rules of this country. That's my feeling anyway. I sympathize with the poster because no one should be belittled by the parent; it doesn't promote confidence in a child. I myself wasn't allowed to date until I was 16 so I can't sympathize too much with that scenario.

yea you should especially if they are toxic and there's no kind of love at all. i dont even understand why we should call them parents anyway....

ladytiger, most parents parents are not toxic. in rare cases, they are. if parents are truly toxic, then, yes, they should be estranged.

Anger is normal and natural and should not be denied. That is true with fear, sadness, and a broad range of human emotions. Embrace it, yes, but do not dwell in it. These emotions are meant to be transitional, a warning or indication of some reality or perception of reality that portends unpleasant consequences. But resolution of the dilemma does not come simply by feeling these emotions or maximizing their impact. These emotions may spur us on to action, and in that sense, they are positive in nature. But true resolution comes in the reconciliation of the dilemma through positive action that eliminates or neutralizes the dilemma's impact on our realization of happiness in our lives. Thus, there is nothing wrong with feeling sad, or angry, or fearful on a short-term basis, but ultimately those feelings need to be controlled, lest they overwhelm us and interfere with our overall sense of happiness and well-being in our lives. It is never wrong to feel and to express how we feel, but it should not end there. We should not be mere creatures of animalistic expression of instinctive feelings and behaviors. As thinking, caring, and intuitive human beings, we must overcome mere emotion and employ cognitive action to change our lives for the better, and for the sake of our long-term happiness.