Cutting your parents off completely would be a massive decision and would not necessarily solve all your problems. I came close to doing so 8 years ago, when I could not see any alternative, it was either kill myself or stop seeing them. Being around them was having such a detrimental affect on me emotionally and pschologically that I just didn't know what to do. The problem was that my family were so entrenched in their problems and in complete denial about them that they could not believe they were having a negative effect on me and still don't to this day.
It does not however, have to be an all or nothing. I have managed to find a midway ground through letters and seeing my mother a few times a year at a coffee shop makes it a little easier. My father on the other hand has made no effort to stay in contact and there are certain things in my past that I cannot forgive him for - foisting my mother's mental illness on me when I was just a small child for example. Therefore I have not spoken to my father since 2007, however he does live with my mother. My mother tries to do her best and for that reason I make the effort. I still get the usual guilt trips from her each time I see my mom - her last one she said "I may only see you a few more times before I die"! But I know that if I cut her off completely I would suffer more pain and repurcussions than I do now - and many of the things that have damaged you from their behavior will still have a hold on you. It really is worth asking 'is there anything good/positive I can take from my relationship with my parents', if there is, then it is worth trying to establish a strategy that will allow you to free yourself up from their chains while still maintaining some kind of link.
Most therapists will advise patients to do this where there is something positive to fight for. It is so fundamental to turn your back on your parents, so it should only be ever as a last resort.
I hope this helps

What I discovered after my abusive mom became violent with me when I was in my 50's after I became disabled is that guilt was a manipulative tool used on me by an abusive parent and many with abusive parents find guilt is also used as a manipulative tool. I realized I had no reason to feel guilt because I did nothing wrong. I feel our decisions should come from a place of strength and from our brains, not from guilt. But each of us make our decisions now on our own and should not feel guilt because we make them and for whatever our decision should be.

And this "many" people CLAIM they are being abused---really?? So you doubt they have been abused. I've been in the support groups, I've gone through therapy and I've been on support boards and it's amazing the people who have been abused as mere children and it doesn't come out until their adulthood. Their parents did not show this adults (when they were children: love, were not shown kindness, some didn't get fed often, others were used as workers, some were beaten, some were used as sexual pleasures. No child deserves any of that.

About mention of Asian-American kids studying--the discussion now is that Tiger Moms of any ethnicity who force their children to be over productive may be doing them more harm. I saw what my mom did to me making me rehearse dancing for 3 hours every day and then I had homework too from school. If I was a kid and had to be studying for 4 to 5 hours every day, it would be too much because kids are not robots. 3 hours of dance was way too much for me and I was in first through fourth grades in elementary school and I had homework after that. 4-5 hours of studying would be a might much for elementary kids. Even into high schools, we had some study periods allotted for study in school and we formed study groups there and did quizzes to the whole group--it was good.

Various members of my family have gone through periods of estrangement over the years - I went for 10+ years not interacting with mom because her meddling in my and my daughter's life had gotten to the point where she was on the brink of causing us legal trouble because of lies she told others - I've increasingly come to believe she has mental health issues - and here was where I had to draw the line.

After many years of tumult and both emotional and physical abuse from her as a child, then into the teen years, I was finally so relieved to be rid of that piece. I honestly was. I had tried for so many years to always do the right thing and tolerate and put up and....I just finally had to cut her off. Now - that being said, we recently began to reconnect. It's early yet, but it seems that in these past 10+ years perhaps I have found better ways to deal with her, and maybe she has changed some too. I don't know yet. I just know that I am willing to try again - one step at a time.

So - I think it's an individual decision. We all do have our thresholds, histories - but there is nothing that says just because someone is family we have to put up with emotional or physical or any other kind of abuse. When we do, it's a form of enabling that allows that abuse to continue. It tells the abuser we will continue to allow the abuse, and so it goes on and on.

Mary and Sheila, thank you for your posts showing the various levels of estrangement that might work in individual situations. You're right. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. It just needs to be whatever works for you, regardless of what definition of "abuse" that one follows.

I haven't been on in awhile and was going to post for this reason. Not my parents but my in laws. I'm so angry with them in the abuse my husband went through as a child and how it has impacted our lives even now. They are selfish people and complain a lot. I understand what I should do but I feel a burden that we are to visit more, give advice, listen to complaining. I actually stood up for myself recently. Some excuses were made for why they ditched us when making plans to go to dinner. My brother in law called me a bitch out of the blue after he asked me what to do about his high blood pressure and I told him to talk to his doctor. (I'm a student nurse) He still lives at home in his forties. I don't ever want to visit there again. I did not show my hurt and I responded with "you are helping me learn how to deal with difficult patients and I will be an expert at it thanks to you" What I wanted to do was choke the life out of him.

Suzanne, people like that deserve to have the life choked out of them but their punishment is that they have to spend the rest of their lives living with themselves. very best, --EJ

And know that if you decide to cut someone out of you life, I don't believe that decision is done lightly--at least for me it wasn't done overnight. For me it was done after years of having my mom live with me and trying to make things work with my mom before she became violent, trying many times to overlook what she did to me, nicely have conversation with her about the continuous problems that come up, suggesting therapy (that is turned down), and I even went to a local caregivers group to get some info on what I could do. She didn't want to see a doctor. I waited too long and her toxicity only grew more.

Everyone has to decide on their own when it is their time what they will do. But help everyone and don't discount people who come with abuse. It's hard to label abuse as a mistake.

Most of us here on DS are adults and we know our situation and what we went through with our mothers and other abusers. We made the decisions we "had to make" in order to live our own life and trying hard to make it happy. Much damage has been done to a lot of us, and I know that others here have suffered much more than I did. I feel it is up to the individual to make the decision about no contact, about cutting all ties. This is not an easy decision, put sometimes that is all that can be done in order to stay sane. We should not tell people that their decision was wrong, because we don't know all of their circumstances that brought them to that decision. Peace and Love.

at what point is enough, enough? My parents have ripped me off finanically, they have harmed my health and in truth dont give a shit about me. I live 100 miles from them and in the 9 years I have lived here they can not be bothered to come and see me unless they are doing something else.

From my life experience at some point you have to say enough is enough and end the relationship. How much abuse should you have to put up with before you walk away. First of all you should not be abuse or taken advantage of no matter how old or young you are. Second your parents cant live your life for you. Third some times the only way to get healthy is to have a clean break and in time if and when you are healthy enough and strong enough you might be able to restart that relationship.

It is bad enough when you are self-distructive and it does not help matters when your parents join the band wagon. Just because they gave you life does not mean you owe them your life.

Sorry I do not mean to come accross as hot as I know I am. It just ticks me off how every one sides with the parents. How about the victims? The message I am getting from the posts is its okay for the parents todo the things they do because they are the parent and you are the child and you should just put up with it because you are the child. Space can help sometimes but not always. I have nerve damage in my shoulder and was at home because of hte injury. I got the attitude of I will do what I want even if it hurts because its going to hurt anyway. My parents started having the same attitude of well you can do it cause its going to hurt anyway.

One bad attitude is enough I don't need help to be self-distructive. Parents should be loving and protective not help their children self-distruct. I had to go back to work and move out of state in order to save my own life.

It is more than the words we say, and it is more than the actions taken. I have been taught over the years that actions speak louder than words. If you support me show me in your actions do not give me lip service.

My parents expected me to help them brand calves with an open ossing wound. I was taken to the family ranch dropped off at the corell and told help your father. If they care I would never had been taken to the ranch in the first place, and even if I was taken I should not have been expected to help them brand. I am sorry I am still hurt and at times angry over this. I have forgiven them but will never put myself in a position to have them do this to me again. When I confronted them I was told it was my fault for not tell them no. Who is the adult and who is the child? I know as an adult you should be able to tell your parents no but when it is ground into you to do as you are told it is hard to break the habit.

Hi restless: I came from a home where I suffered physical abuse and outsiders thought my mom was so great.

So for people who suffer physical and emotional abuse it's really okay to come here and no one should be doubted as to whether they were abused (there's no scale here to determine that), and none of us have been in their shoes and lives their lives to know what went on. I hope we can offer support and remember that it's not the parents here asking for help, that it's the injured adult children.

I'm sorry for what you went through. In talking on another board here, I discovered that back in the 1950's and 1960's that in many parts of the United States that no domestic violence or child protection was afforded by police. When I was a child, had someone seen the bruises on my behind, there was nothing that police or school could do. When I was in 5th grade and my dad beat my mom so bad that she was bleeding and we fled and got to a pay phone, the State Police Trooper arrived and I heard the Trooper tell my mom that there was nothing he could do because it was an issue between a husband and wife. YET SHE WAS BLEEDING and bruised all over her neck from where he tried to strangle her and I saw it all. Nothing the State Police could do--absolutely incredible to hear that. But he did take us back home and kept my dad outside till we got some clothes and things, then he took us to the bus stop and waited for us and then we went to the next state to my grandmothers (my mom's mom).

Today, some believe that women are property and don't hold the value of men or believe that they lie about abuse so the parents must be right. It's very sad.

Restless---when I spoke up and said NO, I was beaten. There was no getting out of what my mom had intended for me. It was who she was. Yet her own mom, my grandmother, loved me incredibly.

I have cared for several foster children. We were taught, as a part of our training, that most abused children still love their parents and want to continue to see them even while they are in foster care. I found this to be true in almost all cases. Abused children don't love their parents less, they just don't want to be abused. In hindsight, I wish I had been placed in a good foster home when I was growing up, but I continued to have a relationship with my abusive father up until he passed away. 4 years before he died, he apologized to me in a very sincere way. I told him that I had forgiven him many years earlier, although that wasn't quite true. I wanted to forgive him and tried to, but it was hard. The abuse was horrific but I am thankful it wasn't sexual. I'm not really sure if that would have been "worse" than just being tied up, beaten to unconsciousness, and left out in the snow overnight. My dad was a combat veteran of two major wars. But I did forgive him after he apologized. I figured he just didn't know any better and couldn't help himself. I know he felt relieved that I forgave him and I am happy that he was happy. But mostly I was happy because of the huge burden of hate and bitterness that I was able to leave behind. I don't know if this is the approach that anyone else should take. I just know it worked for me. I also do not presume to define what is "abuse" and what isn't in someone's life. There are legal standards that apply but it is a decision that should be made by individuals who experienced it, and not others. I have said many times, and I will repeat, abuse is wrong and should never be tolerated or accepted. But the level of abuse that justifies estranging one's parent is a decision that should be made by the person who went through it, not others. After 50 years, I recently became estranged from my mother and everyone attacked me for it. Those of you who know my story know why I decided to do that. But again, I am the one who experienced the abuse. I, alone, will make that decision, and I am happy to discuss my reasons for doing so. my very best to all --EJ

Epic: Abused children will sometimes even try to cover up for the abuser that is a relative and they are children.

But what I experienced was that right on a board here on D.S. was that quite a few adult females who were abused by their mothers don't love their moms after they reached adulthood. And that's okay. Everybody handles it their own way and when you're dealing with people's emotions, there is not a scale or legal standard we use here, it's how they feel, it's how they were abused, and how they are getting through it today. It's okay how they feel. Again, it's okay how they feel and how they want to handle their feelings with their parents--if they want to cut them off, or if they want to cut them off and try with them later, or whatever they decide. They decide due to the circumstances they have experienced and according to how they feel. We should support them.

there are indeed legal standards that courts will apply in determining whether abuse has occurred. But since we are on a discussion forum, and not in court, everyone is free to express their views, whatever they are. I have never heard anyone on this forum question whether someone has been abused or not. I also think everyone supports those who come here for support. But I also feel there are good parents out there who are falsely accused of abuse, and it is important to hear their voices as well.

I think the responses to the OP have shown that there are women posters here dealing with abusive parents and I hope we support them. As I said before there are no scale or legal standards used to determine abuse on this board.

If parents who make mistakes want to post, they are free to post and it would be good to hear from them and how they remedied their situation.