Good article Epic. I think many people make the mistake of thinking that it's an all or nothing decision. If you have decided that your family, all or some, are making you unhappy then you need to do something. First you try to talk it out with the person or with neutral family members who might give a different perspective based on their knowledge of the family. If you or the other people can't change to an acceptable level you need to make a decision.

Unfortunately at this point people think they have to walk away. But you don't. If you live with the offending people you can try limiting your time at home. Make changes to how you live at home so you limit your exposure to the people. For a teen this might mean spending time at the library or at a friends house. At home try to remove triggers like having a dirty room that will start a fight. Maybe put in an extra effort to help out by making dinner or doing laundry. And make plans for how to move out. This is your parents or family member's home, not yours.

If you don't live with them it's much easier to make some space. Phones don't always have to be answered. Take a few hours or a day to respond to messages. Limit the interaction by not going to every birthday party or holiday. Make your own traditions to replace some of the family ones. Try to get together on neutral ground like a coffee shop or shopping mall. This eliminates the reminders of old problems that you find in a house and gives you something to do.

And above all don't try to explain why you are doing this, you are an adult. Don't expect the relationship to improve because all you are doing is reducing the interaction. Sometimes it does get better when there are fewer opportunities to be together.

Excellent points, Tigg, that provide specifics to the general suggestions raised in the article. There is also the perspective when working things out between parents and adult children, that well-meaning parents can sometimes help by giving their adult child space to live their lives. Here is a post by Norske1 on another thread that I hope she won't mind me re-posting here. It provides suggestions for parents trying to "free" themselves from worrying/intervening in the lives of their adult children:

finally found the secret of living a carefree life of no guilt and no regrets. I have learned how to really let my grown children go. All it takes is some quiet time and taking care of yourself. (You will realize that no one will take care of you better than yourself.)

1. I learned to listen to their problems without offering suggestions unless I am nearly begged for information. And even then I leave the ball in their court.

2. I dont offer safety tips that I know work, because sometimes they dont work when they are done without faith.

3. I allow them to bang their heads. I dont try to run ahead of them and take the blows of lifes lessons.

4. I accept their beliefs because they are theirs. I dont offer books for them to read. Instead, I read the books and smile, knowing they will want to know why.

5. I am not available every time they need me.

6. I feel they are on their journey, as I am on mine. Just as I drive my car where I will, they can too!

7. I finally accept that they came through me and are really not mine to own. I dont feel responsible for their choices, be they the ones I would choose or not.

8. I wake up not feeling any fear of accidents or trauma. I am now only a loving bystander.

9. I still call just to say hi during a rainstorm. It makes me feel good to know if they are all safely in their homes. But if not, I am still okay.

I really feel free and I gave this freedom to myself."

I love that!! My husband needs to read that. He comes from a very protective (read meddling) family and has carried that over to our kids. Now that the kids are late teens/early twenties he gets angry that they don't do what he says. You can imagine lots of arguments and hurt feelings.

I believe another important part is for the adult to realize the adult child is an adult and talk to them and deal with them as an adult. I hear of too many conversations where the parent "talks down" to them like they are still a minor child.

ATGB that is very true. Sometimes it will never change. But if the "child" acts like an adult they are more likely to be treated that way. Too often children are still relying on their parents for a place to live, money, cars, employment well into their adulthood. And then the child doesn't understand why the parent feels they still have parental rights.

the answer is yes! toxic is toxic if they have no interest in changing why bother? my sister is fine without her parents and my brother is fine without his dad he hasnt talked to my mom in a long time well several months ago but the conversation was so short. i cant wait for the day when i get to that point of never speaking/seeing my parents it will not phase me one bit!

I disagree with trying to be a better child if living at home- that won't work and will only set up the teen to believe the cruel lies that were told to them that they are flawed and worthless.

I say, if you are a minor and it's bad, go to your counselor or teacher whom you trust at school. They are mandated reporters. They can get you help so you can make plans and choices that can set you up for success despite your crappy upbringing.

I think when adult children try to set up mature boundaries with their dysfunctional parents, the parents then reverse the roles and act immature.

Here's when to cut ties- when the parents STILL make you feel like that kid who was led to believe they are inferior.

Deli I wasn't even considering minors in this discussion. Of course if a minor child (under 18) feels they are being treated badly they should speak to a counselor at school.

I was talking about adults who are still living at home yet complaining about how they are being treated by their parents.

All good points. The tough part is exploring what we mean by "treated badly," "mistreated," "abuse," etc. The truth is that some young people are just being bratty and immature when they accuse their parents of abuse. And we also know that some parents are indeed abusive, or just can't allow their grown child to be a grown-up. I think there are some bright lines here that experienced parents can offer. The goal is to support the children emotionally, financially, physically, and mentally with unconditional love, remembering that good parenting also includes tough love, where necessary. It is very difficult to raise children without indulging our own personal feelings when we interact with out children. If we happen to be having a bad day, it can cause us to be unfair with our children sometimes. Let's face it - we're human. But this doesn't make us a bad or abusive parent. And children can be abusive to parents too. Let's not forget that one. That's why I like the word "toxic." Alcohol can have a desirable effect on people, but in excess it becomes toxic to the body. So it is that parents can make mistakes or do something wrong to a child without being "toxic" in their overall relationship with the child. Everyone has had parents who have made mistakes or done something unfair to them; but most people are far better off to have been raised by those parents than a foster home, for instance. My point is that if your parents are not toxic, I think you should do your best to love them and respect them, even if you have to do it from a distance. If you cannot articulate legitimate reasons why you consider your parents or family members to be toxic, then my view is that you should think twice before cutting them off entirely.

Epic well said!! While raising my kids I often have to think back to my growing up and realize that these are normal disagreements and situations. And I remember being a child and thinking my parents were mean or cruel or stupid, again a normal part of growing up.

I think social media has had a good and bad impact on raising kids. When we were little and were punished we complained to our friends on the block and then went back to playing. Now kids go to their room and get on Facebook or twitter or snapchat or any of the instant response sites and tell the world. Of course they find people who will tell them their parents are abusive and what is just a normal lesson of childhood becomes a major incident.

There are some cases where children get help in truly abusive situations and this is a huge benefit. But for the most part social media lets the person believe they are a victim.

Hey Epic. This was a great post and it really resonated with me. I must say that the pain of estrangement feels 100X worse than the pain that I experienced with my family prior to this traumatic, life-altering event. I know that in the long run, I will recognize that I am truly better off without their constant negativity causing me stress. But in the meanwhile, I struggle with the pain of becoming an orphan when I've already grown up knowing that I have a family. Thanks for the post. It's important to see both sides.

True about minors vs "adults" still living at home.

I think until you become independent, you are still living as a child.

If you are 24 and still at home, something's going on that's not right *IF* the adult child is not happy. If the adult child is complaining but it still at home, then there's some toxicity and dysfunction and the child has been arrested in development.

The parent did not teach independence and some intervention is needed in this case.

I think if it were just as simple as Epic posts, many with the really bad and toxic relationships wouldn't wind up here on this board. This board does see the toxic relationships the abuse, the really bad relationships and mistreated is badly treated and it isn't "alleged" abuse as Epic stated early on--it's either abuse or not abuse.

Too many adult children have had the bad parents from childhood all the way up. The parents won't do anything to change because they never saw anything wrong in what they did. We don't see those parents here to make changes in themselves. We see the adult children of those parents. Don't try to tell me I was allegedly abused or wasn't in a toxic relationship or I shouldn't have cut my parent off.

If anyone has any doubt about what abuse is, just go to the National Domestic Violence Hotline 1-800-799-7233 and their website is below. You can call them and they'll talk to you for free and you can be abused verbally and physically by a parent.

http://www.thehotline.org

No one should be abused. No one should have to tolerate abuse. Tolerating abuse works on your self respect, it works on your dignity and it begins depression. It impacts your life and can make you feel less of a person than you should be. If you are any adult child being abused by a parent, you can call the hotline number above and see if you can speak to them and then see if you can find support groups in your area and someone to meet with in your area that can talk to you about resources. You can also contact the town/city social worker in your area.

If you are not an adult child and are being abused, speak to a counselor at school, but don't let it go because your parents need help and you need help too and it's okay to speak up.

Good point AstimegoesB. There are many forms of abuse and we all should be aware of that. The belittling, controlling or blaming can be as bad as physical abuse. We all have to decide for ourselves on how much contact we have with our mothers (or other abusers), and also we should not hold it against somebody that has made the decision to stop all contact, because they usually had very strong reasons to do so. Peace and Love.

Yes, Mary. It is indeed important to see both sides. No one here would say that abuse victims should accept the abuse. And all allegations of abuse should be taken seriously. It is also true, however, that many people claim or maybe even believe they are being abused when they are not. I hope people will post good examples to discuss on this forum. One example is tough love. One parent's idea of tough love can be an adult child's idea of emotional abuse. Drawing these distinctions can be very helpful, especially to younger people who may not be able to see their lives in context with other norms. Many Asian-American children have claiimed abuse because their parents make them study hard for 4 - 5 hours each day and do not allow them to date or have boyfriends until they are 17 or 18 years old. There is usually alot of tough talk or "threats" associated with these demands. Physical and sexual abuse cases are usually very easy to determine - it either happened or not. But mental and emotional abuse cases can turn on not just the specific conduct of the alleged perpetrator, but also the timing, frequency, duration, and socio-cultural context of the behaviors.