I am a daughter in Law and I just dont understand how your daughter in law can live with herself. She is hurting no one but the kids. I understand the hole your son feels he is in but right is right. It doesnt matter if she is his wife, what matters is whats fair. It is not written any where that I know of that says he has to blindly follow what she wants even if she is wrong. I know the Bible says a Husband and wife should cleave to each other as they cleaved to there parents but he is wrong in this case. The kids come first and he is doing no service to them by allowing her to cut family out of there life. Plus he has giving her the power to rule everyones life and thats not fair to any one. Both of you should take back your power. I know it is a hard thing to do but its in the best interest of the children.
If by some chance she stands her ground and your son doesnt help, you should look at the laws in your state on Grandparents rights.
In the end, she will need you before you need her. Babysitting cost a lot of money.
Good luck to you.

Jan I can sympathise and relate to every word you have written. I too have a mean DIL and if I don't agree with everything she says and does, I'm in deep trouble.
Last week she wrote some derogatory remarks on Facebook about her husband, my son, for all to see and this upset me because it wasn't true and making remarks of that nature so public was unfair and nasty. Because I asked her not to criticise my son in public she stopped me seeing my grandson last Frid. I feel so upset about it and don't know what to do.
I'm sorry I don't have any advice for you, but it helps somewhat that others are experiencing the same kind of treatment.

Totally understand and "Ditto" to everything written by those who have posted. My DIL and son do not 'allow' us to visit our only G-child since 2005! They chose to believe 'gossip' as gospel spoken by a family member against me and/or my husband. Eventually, she admitted that she wrongly accused us (in an email to both of us) but that admission has not caused any change in our son's & DIL's 'reasoning'..... No judge will grant visitation as their family 'unit' is intact. Just 'wonder' what they have told my g-child as to 'why' we no longer come to visit? Wonder IF they even give the gifts and card we have sent? Do 'they' not understand what lessons they are teaching their child: It's OK to disrespect any family member, not celebrate holidays with family, be generally hateful? Hmmm? What goes around comes around? G-child will be eighteen before too long and hopeful may want to hear from us and enjoy our last days together...
Did a friend's request on g-child's Facebook. They took her off!
They had 'the' (accusing) family member take g-child's photos off her Facebook page too.... So we can't see her at all...

I have seen it two ways..First I am the only daughter inlaw on my husbands side and really struggle because his sisters have a click I am not apart of and there is a lot of jealousy because my husband is a doctor. Then on my side of the family I have all brothers and have seen so many times my brothers wives make my mom cry it is ridiculous. I have found the best way to deal with a lot of family but it is still hard. First, dont expect anything which is so hard when you do have some expectations but if you dont exspect anything at all they cant disappoint you. Second nomatter what your daughter inlaw does respond with a warm smile and a positive. It will throw her for a loop and she will be puzzled at first but in time she will stop playing her games because it is no fun not getting under her skin. Third, feel pity for her because only miserable people act the way she does. Complement your son on a regular basis on what a wonderful man he has grown up to be or what a wonderful husband or father. Trust me it may be hard at first but in time things will get better. If not your son will feel more loved and family support and it is her loss not yours. Hang in there!

I too am a daughter in law and I have, at one time, kept my mother in law from seeing or talking to my children, must most definately NOT due to such petty, BS reasons as your daughter in law seems to have.
I put the brakes on her seeing them or talking to them because, I had moved out with the kids and was allowing her mother to talk to them since she was in bad health, a wonderfully sweet Christian, and she was so atttached to the kids. However the mother in law was to stay off the phone with the kids, per our agreement, since she had already been busted for talking smack about me to my daughter over the phone. Stuff like I was a piss poor parent and a drunk, I have been know to indulge in a mixed drink at a Christmas party or two in my lifetime, but I never got tore up, or aggravated and annoyed others, or do anything completely stupid, idiotic, or illegal when I did. So that was a lie. I allowed the great grandma permission to talk to the kids, but mother in law would sneak the phone back over to her second line (was like 3 way calling) and would start in with her same old sh*t.
But this woman is plain ole' nukin futs...LOL..You could clean house all day long till the cows came how, and when she walks through the door, she started in finding stuff to b*tch about..she's not happy if she's not complaining or making someone else feel like crap.
She seems like a real piece of work, just like my mother in law..LOL

Gosh! I'd 'adopt' any of you DILs and the involved children! Just the way you openly 'talk' is good enough for me.

When my hus and I were at my BIL's house, he was on his death bed. My hus and I went every few months to help my SIL with his care, only when she requested us to visit!! We supported her in whatever she wanted to do. Once when I walked in, stood, took off my wet shoes in the entry, I could hear the 'hushed' conversation in the kitch. When I entered, they looked as if they (SIL, Son and DIL) had 'feathers' on their lips as they had eaten the canary (gossip).
Did my DIL and oldest son, for the previous five years, go to help out the (SIL) 'aunt'... NOPE... She gossiped about us to our oldest and DIL and they all sat around laughing and said 'sounds like her, doing that.' Then SIL admitted (in an email to both) that she wrongly accused me/us.. She didn't want to hear anymore about it. Well that's fine, she not the one who is being shunned and not allowed to see my only g-child. She and BIL never had a child... She now gets to 'see' my oldest, DIL and my teen g-child! After all that, oldest son 'favors' SIL for collateral damage she created....

My oldest son tells my youngest son 'mom is too darn emotional. She needs to be more stoic." So next time my youngest, with MS, pucks on himself, I'll dial my oldest son and the two of them can discuss the youngest son's continued MS healthcare.
How's that for being more 'stoic'????

I think your daugther inlaw is unstable. But I would be mad too if someone left my kid at other's person's house especially if I didn't like that person. It is her child, so have to respect that even though it was your son.

This woman is manipulative and needs help. If she continues with her ways, I believe your son will get tried of it. A marriage like that can't last.

You have to decide what's more important the kids or battling with her. I know its tough, but that's how it is. We all have people like this in our lives, there's only so much we can do about it.

Sometimes there are people in our lives that are just mean and there is nothing we can do about it. Your DIL will allow you to see the grandkids when it is convienent to her. I too have a daughter-in-law (married to my step-son, whom I raised since he was 9 years old) and she is not only mean to me, but to my sons and daughter as well. I am only 13 years older than her and our daughters are 5 months apart . For the past 11 years, DIL has constantly compared, got jeleous, refused to attend family functions, and made up stories about me to the neighbors (who called me and told me about it). The final straw came when my mother-in-law was very sick and DIL knew about it (DIL lives next door to MIL), but didn't call us that evening. The next morning, my MIL had a serious stroke and is still trying to recover. She could have died, because DIL hates us so much she choose not to tell us about how sick my husband's mother was (so sick, she couldn't even call anyone). If we had known, we would have taken my mother in law to the hospital that night. We just lost my husband's father less than a year ago, and this awful act has destroyed what little respect my husband and I had for his son's wife. We know there is nothing we can do to make her like us, she dislikes everyone. Her kid's teachers, neighbors, my kids, other children in the neighborhood, my step-son's real mother, our dog, etc. So, we try our best to ignore her until family get-togethers and then we tolerate her until she goes home. It is sad because our girls are so close (and we live on the same road), but she often refuses to let her daughter play with my daughter when other friends are over. She tells everyone the girls are mean to her daughter, but I have watched them and the only mean I saw was the times her daughter would act like her and say mean things to the other kids. So, long story short . . . you are not alone, maintain your relationship with your son and grandkids, and do your best to "look over" the mean attitude of your DIL. You cannot make someone like you if they have no intention to do so, but you can be the better person for it.

I am sorry that your DIL has to resort to this type of behavior she sounds like a very mixed up angry at the world kind of gal. The best advice I feel I can give you is to take control in how you let her behavior affect you. You can't change her. Focus on your time that you do spend with your grandchildren and make it a happy time for you and them.

If your DIL does not want her kids around other members of your family there isn't a whole lot you can do about it however rather then break the rule or try to mend things for now just plan your time with her kids so that it is just you and them for now. If she starts to gossip or say nasty things about family members politely change the subject and ask her when you can plan another outing with your grandchildren again just you and them.

I know that won't be easy but for now it might at the very least give you the chance to spend precious time with your grandchildren that you love and care about so much. My point is don't let other family members or her stress you out so much that you don't get to see them at all. Let them fight all they want amongst themselves but you don't have to get caught in the middle of their petty arguments.

The more you react to her disturbing behavior the more she will display it. So let her know that you will follow one rule and that is when you spend time with your grand kids that time is just for you and them. Let her know you no longer want to be involved in her problems with your family members or their problems with her.

Perhaps by doing that she will ease up a bit and allow you to see them again and more often as well. She will eventually come to realize in time that using her kids to get what she wants will no longer work and who knows she may even change for the better.

Anyway I hope this helps a bit and much happier days are headed your way very very soon.

I am a nice DIL who tries to please MIL but she insults me constantly and undermines my relationship with my husband. She talks to me like I am the outsider even though my hubby and I are now preggers with our first baby who she still thinks I might miscarry with after almost 5 months of pregnancy. HOWEVER, I would never do what your DIL is doing even on her worst day. You have bent over backwards for her to watch the kids and help take care of them. How dare she slap your hand away like that. She has some issues to work out. Talk to your son, let him know that this isn't right. Find out what her real issue is. If at all possible, try and sit down and have a calm conversation with her. She needs to know that she is hurting her children and the family as a whole. Just because she has issues doesn't mean she has to make the children suffer. She is using them as a weapon to hurt people in the family and that just isn't okay. Try talking to your son first about this. Then try to set up a conversation with her. I really hope she sees the light because she is being so hurtful.

Trust me, I know all about "wicked" DIL's, I have one of my own, and she's a real drama queen, if she doesn't get her way, she stomps off and doesn't talk to my son, she is very materilistic, funny though as she claims she came from a poor family, she and her famil inTexas are living here illegally, she will soon become legal (thank goodnes for that!) please don't assume that I'm a racist, because I'm hispanic myself, just believe that everyone that lives in the USA, should be living here "legally!" She and I used to be close until I introduced them via MySpace a few years ago, had I known everything I now know about her, I would have never introduced them, my son is in the Army, and when he comes home from deployment, or R&R, she refuses to let me knwo what day he will be home, instead she plays dumb and tells me she's not sure, then she will boast about his return on fb, oh man she likes to put distance between my son and I, I haven't seen my son much at all the last few years, first thing they do when he comes home is head straight for Texas to visit with her family, then they will come our way, pass us up, and go straight to my parents and older son, my son claims that she "feels uncomfortable around us" we have never been rude to her, we have always been civil (which is not an easy thing to do) but I do it for m son, he's supposed to be home any day now, and haven't heard a word from her as to when he's supposed to be home, so once again I'm going through a stressful time, it's happened before, so I'm not surprised, just disappointed. Just wanted to share my experience with my DIL, thanks for letting me vent here, it's nice to know that we are not alone, take care everyone!

I know this is about mean daughter in-laws, but what about when mother in-laws don't give us any choice but to cut them out. My mother in-law has been against me since day one. Controlling manipulative, trying at every turn to break my marriage apart. Making sure the her whole family follows her lead and hates me. Making snide remarks. Making sure I was at work when she had a family gathering, making excuses to not be around to visit. I had a child from a previous relationship when I met my husband. My son was 1 at the time we married. Three years later I had another son with my husband. Eventually, she started treating my other son like he was not good enough. She called one day and left a message on our phone, when she thought she had hung up , but somehow her phone didn't , it was recorded her having a conversation with her husband saying she doesn't understand why her son doesn't divorce me and send my ass back where I came from. Then that evening when my husband was home and listened to the message he went and called and questioned her about what we heard. She said that she was on pain medication and did not know what she was saying. He then told her that he was going to have to find another job since he was working with his dad at the time because this was causing too much conflict in our family. She then said that if we quit right now she would turn us in to dhs because no one would be working. Does that sound like a good mother in law? It has gone on from there...Her always causing problems. When questioned about her behavior she has always an excuse, she can't remember, its menopause, etc...I have not talked to her or have any contact with her for 11yrs. and neither do my children. She does not have the right to continue to do this, disrespect me with my children etc. and still to this day she goes around and makes up stories and lies about me. A month ago she happened to tell a co worker of my husbands at her work place how much she hates me. This co worker then told my husband what she had said. Later my husband went to question her about this. Once again she tried to worm her way out of it by saying, I dont remember saying anything. So you tell me what her problem is? I feel I have every right to protect myself and my family form her

reply #12,

record everything your MIL says and when u confront her and she uses excuses, play it back so she can hear herself! my sister does this to our own mother, our mom says mean and hateful things about us, my bf, my sis' hubby and children, then the next day is a sweet heart sayin i never said that. my sister has recorded my mom and played it back to her with mom saying i didnt say that, u tricked me trying to sound like me, u took it out of context, etc.

dont tell ur MIL ur recording her just surprise her. nothing is better than sweet revenge

I understand as I have a mean d-i-l too. She never was much of a conversationalist but then I got slammed with a horrible email just reeming me out over and over. Most were lies. I told her off as I once was told if someone puts crap in your lap, you pass it right back to them. You just have to be tough and stand up for yourself. You can't be liked by everyone, I guess. I have now lost 7 family members and all we did for our kids was give them too much. Live and learn!

DITTO! I think this woman needs to see a PSYCHIATRIST and a PSYCHOLOGIST [the psychologist to talk to and the psychiatrist for medication. She has NO RIGHT to behave this way.