Family Issues Support Group

Family issues is a huge range that go from minor conflict to major misbehaviour and even abuse on the part of individual members of the family occur. Whether you feel you are in a dysfunctional family or you're dealing with a very specific issue, this is the place to talk about it and find others who might be going through the same thing.

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step_child_26 06/13/2018

This is a long story..

My parents divorced when I was around 13 years old. My father didn't take it well and a lot of his anger he took out on me. I have spent a lot of time being angry with him because he is a "cyclic abuser". He goes from being manic.. super happy, best dad in the world. Then the tension builds up and it's as if your walking on egg shells all the time afraid to set him off and he says awful hurtful things when he does finally explode. Everything reverts back to; Your mother left me and you love her more and you dont care about me. My family means nothing to you. You wouldn't care if I died tomorrow. You spend more time with your mom and her family than me.

In 2010 I had a massive health issue and was in CHF (congestive heart failure). I had called my father and told him what was going on with me and that I was going to the ER and his response was .."I have to work in the morning, Let me know how you make out." Never mind the fact that I could have died that night he called me the next night around 6pm to see how I made out. I was angry. Christmas eve that year (roughly 2 weeks later) My brother who was 12 or 13 at the time called him to ask if he could go snowboarding with my uncle and cousins (moms family) the upcoming weekend. That happened to be the weekend my father was to have him for visitation. My father was a jerk and screamed at him on christmas eve again with statements like; you don't care about me or my family it's all about your mom and her family etc. He made my little brother cry and so when i spoke to him he lit into me about the same things and made me cry my eyes out. I then decided I wasn't going to speak to him for a while and 6 months passed before him and I spoke.

Now the past 8 years I have spent trying to repair the relationship we have.. Making attempts to visit reaching out to contact him. He hardly calls or texts. I do all the work in that dept. I have asked him to inform me of family events or outings so if I am free I can come hang out and visit. Yesterday I sent him a text just stating that I loved him and I apologized for not being around as much but it's not that I don't care. His response was " you have no problem seeing your moms side of the family." I got upset and sent a message back stating I wasn't going to fight with him and that I was ending it there and he retorted back with hurtful things about how they'e not good enough and I don't care and I'm full of excuses and all these things. I work 3 jobs. Im a nurse for an obgyn and a nurse for the nursing home and I work for a party rental service doing inflatables (bounce houses, water slides etc. )

I decided I was not going to dignify his abusive texts with a response and have not spoken to him again. I guess I just don't understand what to do and what I'm doing wrong. Why is it always about my mom? Why do I have to be the target.? My brother doesn't get that kind of crap from him but I always do. At this point he has pushed me away and I don't want anything more to do with him. I feel as if the last 8 years have been a complete waste of my time and efforts because we are right back where we were 8 years ago.

Any advice would be appreciated.

SunCloudJD 06/13/2018

He 'sounds' really passive/aggressive ….. You can't change him as much as it hurts

For your wellbeing I would have some boundaries so that you aren't continuing to beat your head against a wall....

He's bitter and spiteful and he's stuck in it from what I'm reading..... Big hug.... ..xo

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Passive-aggressive_behavior

SunCloudJD 06/13/2018

BTW I don't think you're doing anything wrong..... This comes from within him......xo

There may be some transference going on.... Transferring feelings about his marriage/wife onto you....xo

http://www.thoughtsfromatherapist.com/2011/05/11/what-is-transference-in-psychotherapy-projecting-emotional-reactions-related-to-another-onto-the-therapist/

step_child_26 06/13/2018

Thank you SunCloudJD. I appreciate the kind words. It's hard because he is my father, just wish he would grow up and stop acting this way. My mom has been very supportive and trying to help me through this as well as my boyfriend. It's just hard as it is a back and forth battle that seems to go nowhere.

HMZ67 06/13/2018

Wow this sounds very similar to what I’ve been through and currently go through. It’s a very confusing situation because it seems like when you do reach out and try he doesn’t want it? I’m so sorry that you have to deal with that. If you have your mom your brother and your moms side honestly I think you can cut your dad out, maybe not completely because I know that he’s your father and obv you love him but it’s getting to the point where it’s mentally draining you. I’m sure you think about it frequently through out the day and ask yourself so many questions. It’s such a hard situation because if you do cut him out and stay away then you’ll feel like you might regret it years from now. But if you do keep him in your life then you will be let down by his viscious acts. I think maybe stay connected but distant. See him sometimes and when he says hurtful things don’t say anything back and be very passive. That’s one way others can “hear” you sounds strange but it’s a thing with people like that... such as my mom. Sometimes we pour our hearts out to the people we love and it sometimes will never get us anywhere because they are so stubborn. I’m here for you and I can totally understand how hard this is for you. Message me if you ever need anything! Xo

step_child_26 06/13/2018

Thank you very much for the kind words!! I do appreciate It! I do think about it quite often..will I regret it years from now or what if I do continue on trying to have a relationship and he just further tears me down. It's depressing and he makes me feel so small and worthless. I don't want to feel that way anymore. I want to cut all tie but again I worry. I don't want to regret it either. Such a tough situation. And I appreciate the kindness and positive thoughts. It's much needed! Xo

APieceOfMyHeart 06/13/2018

Wow, your dad sounds a LOT like my dad- I eventually drew the hard line, he tried really hard to drag me into his crazy. Similar scenario although to him my mom's family is "poison" why do we continue to associate with them? They are out to get him so on and so on. It was completely exhausting and made me feel crazy even though I intellectually knew I wasn't doing anything wrong- and neither are you. It's completely appropriate to end the conversation when he starts down the line of attacking you for seeing your mother- of course you see your mother and her family, it's you mom and her family, enough said. For me, I started to recognize that every time I spoke to my father I'd get these HORRIBLE headaches, super-emotional, frustrated, and felt completely powerless. I was incapable of bringing him back to reality and refused to join him in his crazy. Finally, I had "the long think" and decided I was done. I'd see him when I had to, like at weddings and funerals, events that were not about him but where he and I both were invited. Other than 1 funeral and 2 weddings, he and I have not spoken in 8 years. It's really sad, he's my dad but, everything else I tried failed. I tried setting other appropriate limits like only speaking to him once a week, then once every other week, then only for half and hour. Only seeing him once a month. Only meeting him in public and in walking distance from my apartment... nothing seemed to work. I felt awful and angry after I saw him. Where you go from here with your dad is your decision but, please know you are not doing anything wrong and you are not alone in this tough situation.

step_child_26 06/13/2018

Thank you. I'm glad to know that I'm not in the wrong. Deep down I know that im not, but in all honesty I still can't help but think..maybe I am. Maybe there was more I could do. Anyways, I appreciate the support. It's hard because like you said..its a tough situation he is my father. Taking it one day at a time. But I don't want to speak to him right now. He has pushed me for the last time. I won't tolerate his childish behavior. I appreciate the kind words. I'm sorry for your situation as well. Feel free to message me anytime. Ur story seems similar to mine.

SunCloudJD 06/14/2018

My dad was always pretty cold to me..... I bothered him...… I believe he suffered PTSD from WW2 and we paid for that at home

You can have boundaries and still be available for a possible healthy relationship.

There's nothing wrong with telling him that he's become really bitter and that it's hurting his health and his life..... Maybe suggest that some therapy might help him to move forward in his life if you think it's something that you can do

Staying stuck just helps the bitterness to continue however you can't do it for him...

It's the old 'misery loves company' coming out...… Big hug sweetie.....xo

step_child_26 06/14/2018

Thank you SunCloudJD. I really appreciate the advice!! You have no idea how much this helps. the positivity and knowing I haven't done anything wrong. I care about him as he is my father but he makes it extremely difficult to want to try anymore. I want to tell him that he needs help and that until he can talk to me as his daughter and he my father. I don't know if when I am around him..maybe he sees my mother in me and it just angers him in which case, maybe he really does need some help because nothing I am going to do is going to fix that. It's very sad.

Flowergranny 06/15/2018

I’m SO sorry you’re going through all this pain with your dad. It hurts when you knew a relationship with a dad that’s been turned upside down! When my mom died, my dad suddenly wanted no life with me in it, either. I think I reminded him too much of my mother. I would bet your dad is transferring his feeling on to you, because you are sweet, female and remind him of her. Like others have said, it sounds like your dad is having mental/anger issues, too. NONE of the reasons for your dad’s behavior has ANYTHING to do with you! So, there is nothing you could do different or apologize for. Is there anyone who you and your dad could sit down with and discuss feelings? Someone he wouldn’t think would just take sides? I agree that you will get no where by confronting your dad alone. I didn’t. My dad remarried very soon after my mom died. I’ve always thought his 2nd wife and others kept him stirred up about me. Do you think he’s listening to others maybe hating on you? My dad did. Instead of others trying to be “peacemakers”, they’d just egg him on about me not doing what I should. Anyway....my dad is dead now. I didn’t cut off all ties. Just learned to except whatever he felt he could offer me. Before he died, he told me he was so sorry for all the hurt he had caused me. He only said it was because he was in pain and hurting so much at the loss of my mom. In the end, I’m glad I didn’t cut all ties. My dad did love me, just as I’ll bet yours does you. Some men would just rather lash out, than admit what their true feelings and pain are. As hard as it is to hear, time really will cause his heart to soften. Good luck! You sound like such a good person, just hang in!

step_child_26 06/15/2018

Thank you Flowergranny. I am trying. I don't know of anyone that I could do a sit down with honestly. When people are around he is a completely different person and acts like the most innocent man ever. ?But behind closed doors his true colors shine bright. Its been that way my whole life. Maybe time apart so he can think about how he feels and how he has made me feel. Then maybe we can talk over the phone so if things get heated and out of control then I could end it there.

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