thank you pd2012, i hear you, and I am going to the hospital now. I'm not going to do anything right now, I am going to access the situation and come back home, I have to be careful.

I don't want to do something I regret, if anywhere I have to walk away I can in a couple of days or when he is ready to go home.

Do it now- NOT when he's ready to go home. That will be too dramatic.

Tell him now so he can get used to the idea before he's discharged.

He's on a road to recovery but he still doesn't know his head from his ass right now. If I left and he finally woke up and saw I wasn't there wouldn't that be so cruel?

What exactly happened to him, if you don't mind me asking?

I think you are just procrastinating. You are an enabler and a victim of abuse. It's common to want to protect your abuser but oh soo wrong. You need this time and space to make the break. I am concerned that you say you need to be careful and protect yourself. Is there something else going on that impacts the situation? Can you afford to live on your own? Is this your home or his?

I would talk to his daughter. Explain that you know she wants to take care of him and you have decided to step away. Then do it !!!

Mad-Frankly, you shouldn't be worried about being perceived as cruel. You were given a gift of him being in the hospital so you can take steps to get out. What, you want to WAIT until he's healthier to cause you more pain??? GET OUT NOW!!!

His daughter's so cozy with him, so let HER figure this out. He BEAT you, for crying out loud, right???

Why do you owe him ANYTHING???

I'd go so far as to tell the medical staff what you are doing. I'm sure they've seen it all... They may be able to give you advice. They may even be able to help you tell them together.

Heck, you COULD just write a letter and have the staff give it to him.

This is your chance to leave and not have him follow you!!!

Here's the details:

http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Codependency/forum/18977899-fiance-hospitalshould-i/lastpage

Mad- did you not trust our advice??? Heck, if CODEPS are saying to leave, I'd listen!!!

yes DeliAnnem, your right. I know you are. Even if codependants are telling me to run, and I was saying this in my car yesterday, why am I finding it so difficult.

I might do the thing with the nursing staff, that seems plausible. They will understand, and I think they know when he wakes up he will have to deal with it.

DeliAnnum it's not that I don't trust your advise, I'm weighing in on everyone's perspective. Frankly, i think your taking it very personal, but if you have a passion and really care and have dealt with this kind of thing before, then I can assume your giving me advise from the heart. I have yet heard anyone to tell me to stay. So, trust me i am more on the way out than I am in. I'm trying to figure out the best possible way to do it.

It's a long road ahead. I don;t have a job, now I need one, once I start working and income starts coming in, I will feel a little more empowered as I won't have to rely on anyone. We have things together such as payments on furniture, that I'm sure when he leaves will come and get it cuz afterall he is paying for it, but he bought it for us. I know furniture is the last thing to worry about, but I do have 2 years vested in this relationiship so I need to put all my affairs in order.

Today I am paying bills, looking for a job, going to call the nurse to see how he is doing, and I don't even want to acknowledge his daugther at this point. I want to deliver all his stuff to his sisters house and let his daugther pick it up from there.

Not acknowledging her to me says it all. That she has no power over anything. She will be flabbergasted.

I have another question, If I take responsibility in the relatoinship for what I have done does that mean i need to go back. I mean we were on our way to counseling, we were trying to get help, he realized he was hurting me every time he hit me and he was going to go to anger management, then this happened. I believe he truly does love me, he loves my kids, he didn't hit me in front of them, so they have no clue he was hitting, I promise, they were in bed or at school anytime this kind of altercation took place.

So anyways, I want advice I don't want you to tell me what you think I want to hear. If a person is willing to go to counseling and wants to be with me and wants to make things work, now that he is like this, I am not even giving him an opportunity to have this life changing experience, if that's what it is. You never know this could ultimately change him for the good. How would I know if I walk away now!!!???

I have been married twice before, and both of those relationships ended in infidelity. So, I kicked both of them out, so I been there done that. It took me a long time to get away from those two also, but it's because I weigh the pros and cons, and want to do the right thing.

If I can walk away knowing I did everything in my power to make it right and they still want to treat me as if I am a doormat, then I walk away.

I've done it twice, trust me I can do it, I know I can.

You are right there Mad, you'll never know if a person will change unless they're given the opportunity. Could he change under therapy and anger management counseling? He very well could and then he may not. Very often abusers will agree to anything their partner requests to keep the relationship in tact. They'll promise you everything that you want to hear in order to keep you there with them. More often than not; they'll go back to their old ways when they get tired of the therapy and having to face their imperfections.

You know him better than any of us out here. You know what promises, (if any) have been made in the past and failed or haven't failed. Only you know and ultimately it's completely up to you as to what your next steps are.

I hope it does work out for you in whatever path you decide to take.
None of this can be easy for you and these aren't easy decisions to make.

Thank you PD2012, i really appreciate ya'll (DeliAnnem) sticking by me through my ongoing process of questioning. I just want to do the right thing for me. I thought about it today and well I think about it every second of the day and I think, he's not going to leave his daugther. I don't want to have anything to do with her. How are we going to have a relationship like that? When you marry someone, I don't care what anybody says you marry the family, it's inevitable.

I'm not trying to mean or rude, and it may across that way but I'm so madashell now, I'm so mad I've reserved myself in an almost stoic quietness. When I get so completely mad like that, you can guarantee when I say i don't want to have anything to do with that person anymore, they are cut out of my life as if they never existed, I can be so damn cold like that. It's a defense mechanism, and a damn good one.

Why can't I do this with my fiance? Why? Because of what you said PD2012, he was going to get help for his anger issues, and trust me I have mine too, but I know when the hell to walk away. He pursues me. And forgive me if this is so terribly wrong, but hell this is better than therapy, which I can't afford anyway.

I remember two jobs that I had, him and his daugther called me and texted me incessintly one day, and I couldn't get any work done, I turned my cellphone off so I wouldn't have to deal with the drama, and what do you think he did, he called the office atleast 50x. He didn't care, he wanted to talk to me, and I had that poor receptoinist telling him no, i lost my job 2 days later. It happened at another job and I lost it, too. Because he doesn't want to wait until you get home later to talk about it, he wants to talk NOW.

He has been known to leave his job to come all the way home to talk to me, just to resolve conflict. It's been a toxic relationship from the beginning. I fault myself, I knew the red flags, and didn't do anything about it. Now it's come to this, and it's worse, because I look like the damn villain, nobody knows except you guys and my closest friends.

I have been coming on here and let me tell you its a breath of fresh air for me, I can't believe this is happening to me.

I also kind of had an ah ha moment today, that I said to myself, I am worth more than this. I tried to be nice to his daugther, and the woman that abandoned her, is comforting her now and wants to go see him. She went too far with that, she puts her mom in between her dad and I every chance she gets. She also stated in a text that she sent to his sister that she wished I was the one in ICU instead of her dad.

I think the reason she is feeling bad is because before all this happened she treated her dad like crap, i think she is feeling a lot of guilt. But he chalks up as her being pregnant, and oh well she can do no wrong. That kind of thinking I can't compete with. He will always see her as his angel.

I will always see her as the devil. I put this in God's hands now, and I am still waiting. Last I heard she gave an ok for him to have a bronchiolectomy, where they take a camera go to the lungs and see why the infection is not going away, he is still running a high fever. He is not doing well, I think. He panics and tries to pull the tube out of his mouth, and he can't calm himself, (what a surprise)they are trying to give him anti anxiety medication, which is good because he panics. He's scared, and I know he hates it. :)

I'm sorry a grin kind of comes to mind right now, for all the times he has put me through so much shit, the fucking balls he has sometimes, that he can command people to do what he wants. And manipulate to get what he wants, he's so TOTALLY OUT OF CONTROL NOW, and I am enjoying seeing this man get a piece of reality knocked into him by a higher force.

YES that is my mean side, and my compassionate side says, I feel sorry for him, he didn't deserve to go through all this but I think there is a lesson for him to learn I'm just sorry it had to be so impactful.

You know what else I think, why am I feeling this way? Why after all the good times we been through I havn't told you all the wonderful things he has done. He slapped me once but he didn't beat me, but he slapped me over and over again, but i struck him back, but not with full force.

Maybe I should be on the domestic abuse board, but I like it here I'm comfortable because ya'll have not ignored me. lol, like some boards they will ignore you.

I feel like I have now focused all of this on me. I don't want to be self centered, I think I am being self centered talking about my feelings, and how I feel, when he is the one hurting. My God this is such a test for me. I have faith he will get me through this. Yes I do go to church almost every Sunday, I am a believer, and believe it or not, I have felt the presence of God all around me since this has happened, and it feels so good, so relieving, so relaxed and i do cry in my time alone.

The only time anyone saw me cry was at the hospital. I cry when no one is looking, nobody knows how I feel inside. I am hurt, confused, nontrusting, short with my loved ones, I keep thinking something is going to happen to me and their gonna be sorry, even my own mother isin't here really for support, I can't ask her anything she like gets bothered by it all.

I asked my mom and brother to go get my car at the hospital so that i wouldnt have to pay the outrageous parking fee, which is why i stayed home today, and when i told her never mind, she hung up on me and then started talking about me with my brother in spanish, my daughter told me because she doesn't understand spanish, so my own fucking mother is soo damn 2 faced, it doesn't surprise.

So now I'm thinking of moving, thank God for CoDa. I am going there in about 10 minutes to talk and talk and talk and get this out of my chest. I didn't think I was codependant but now I think I am. I have some of the signs. Maybe a lot of the signs, but atleast i can talk and not be judged.

Thank you for hearing me out.

Hey, been reading through all of your posts but not responded before now.

You should really do what you think is best for you. It doesn't matter what others may think of you, they don't know the whole story nor do they know you very well. Have in mind that God knows everything which has happened to you, both good and bad things. Also your friends knows what has been going on, and many on this site. You have many witnesses around you already, so what anyone else think shouldn't matter that much to you.

I am sure you probably also have been praying about this, since you are also a believer. God talks through your conscious too, so you shouldn't ignore any bad signs coming to your mind about this. Could also be that it would be best for you to cut this off, and then work on yourself and get the support and help you need. It is clever going to CoDa if you know that this will be helpful for you. It isn't healthy for anyone to stay in a relationship that is toxic.

You are not alone, and I am glad you feel so much supported in here. Just have in mind that it is best thinking of what you can handle, you are doing nothing wrong in leaving a relationship where you don't feel wanted nor respected, and where you feel more confused and hurt by staying there. Also remember that God will be taking care of you, and that you shouldn't be afraid of leaving this. You will be fine, believe in this. ((Hug))

Yes, I do take it personally since I was there and I suppose I have low tolerance for BS, There is NO excuse for him hitting you.

The fact that you have been married twice before to lousy men and are thinking of doing it again with an abuser says to me that you would rather be with a crummy man than none at all and for some reason, this is the best kind of man you think you deserve.

I'd tell him that all this time with him being in the hospital has given you some time to think and you feel that you need to be alone for a while.

Since you go to church, I'd ask there if there's a room to rent and/or some jobs you can get. You need to become independent from your (soon to be) ex.

Thanks craetiva for understanding and you to deliannem for being my Dr. Phil lol that's what I need to hear. It sux but your right.

However, DeliAnnem, i know your tired of the bs about me being hit and all that but, you don't know because you havn't been where I have been. Saying you know you been there, everyone's situation is different.

I'm sorry if you were abused and in a situation that hurt you, maybe one day you can enlighten me. I don't see proof of that maybe you haven't spoken about it outwardly, or maybe you wrote it in your journal, but I noticed you have a lot to say to everyone, and a lot of advice, you hop around on boards give your opinion, and go, I appreciate it, but somehow I feel that kind of hopping around to me is a sense of, not really grasping the severity of one's situation.

So, I do take your advice and I listen, but my life is not going to be changed because of an interaction I've had with you for about 3 days now. I have had 2 years invested in this and to tell you the truth yes he hit me, but like i said he was gonna get help for that and I will never know if I don't try to see if things will change.

The hard thing will be cutting his daugther out of his life, I don't foresee that happening, i'd sustain all the hits in the world, if he disowne her. Because I can handle it, I have before. And like I said when I have had enough i leave.

Thank God for CoDa.