Family Issues Support Group
Family issues is a huge range that go from minor conflict to major misbehaviour and even abuse on the part of individual members of the family occur. Whether you feel you are in a dysfunctional family or you're dealing with a very specific issue, this is the place to talk about it and find others who might be going through the same thing.
Hi all, am seeking some advice regarding my son contacting me out of the blue following over 2 yrs estrangement, instigated by him. A little history as follows:-
I raised my boy on my own and we seemed to have a good relationship. He finally met someone, I had always been wanting this for him and for him to find love, be happy and start a family of his own. All was great but I did start to feel (after a year or so) that he didn't seem to want to share anything with me, I just wanted the joy of seeing him happy with her and to spend time with them, as they did with her family. As time went on I began to notice and feel I was not really included with much and he became evasive. Although he hadn't officially moved out he was to all intents and purposes living with her (and her sister). We shared a rented property and always halved the bills. I had asked several times if I needed to start looking for a place of my own (couldn't afford the house already in on my sole wage), to which he said yes but towards the end of the year/beginning of the next year. Things changed and the sister was buying her own house so would be moving out. This was only landed on me at the last minute but he said that the parents would be covering the soon to be leaving sisters part of the bills until I had found a new place. I had to find the right place due to money and work but was active immediately. Months went and he spent less time with me, seemed disinterested along with the girlfriend whom I only met a few times. They became engaged during this period and I just knew that I wouldn't be included in any wedding discussions/involvement (don't ask me how I knew this, I just 'felt' it) and proved true. Anyway, cut a long story short, I found a place and handed in tenancy notice and informed my son. A few days later I asked if he had put his share of the last month bills into my account (as per normal). He had a look of horror and said he didn't think he needed to. Forgot to say just a few days prior to this he had text me saying that 'this is breaking me'. What I came to be told was that the parents had not been paying the sisters portion and my lad had been paying on both properties. This was news to me to say the least. I voiced that there was a misunderstanding on his side of thinking he didn't have to pay the final month, but a few days later I realised that there was not in fact a misunderstanding and he had in fact chosen not to pay the last month and had not intended telling me. I have low earnings, he owed me £1,250 and he would have known that I could not have possibly paid his share along with my own. In essence, he had been prepared to throw me under the bus and I would have been left with no money at all. He didn't bother to help me find a place, pack or anything. I was soooo hurt that I exploded and called him every name under the sun (of which I regret terribly and apologised profusely). What followed was that he chose to not have any contact with me and said he did not want me present @ his wedding. I sent a final email last year in February, opening my heart, apologising for my outburst and pointing out his part in the breakdown. Nothing came back. I live in excrutiating pain every day and resigned myself to the fact that I was dead to him, even during the pandemic he never reached out. March this year, on the eve of his birthday, he text me completely out of the blue saying there was fault on his side, he thought about me every day and wanted to see if we can salvage anything from the mess of a situation. I responded saying that I too would like to try and was here to listen. Three weeks went without a reply, then only brief saying he was busy with work/family. I responded just asking for him to be open and honest in talking and now we are into another three week gap with no contact. My quandry is - what do I do? I am fluctuating in happiness that he has been in touvh and taking responsibility of his actions, but this lack of contact and doing what he wanted in talking, is hurting me all over again. Why make contact then back off? I am distraught all over again, for me saying he is 'busy' is an excuse. I can't sit and wait again, the possibility he won't engage and having to experience the pain all over again I simply cannot do. I fluctuate with emailing and saying enough is enough and I will not allow him to do this again and sitting tight and waiting. To say you are 'busy' after 2 years estrangement says to me he can't be bothered and doesn't understand or care how this impacts on me. What do I do?
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Hey All...I hope that you have a lovely, peaceful beginning of your weekI have a bunch of chores that need doing but may put them off til tomorrow and just hang out with my landlord/roomie todayWhat about you?...Anything special going on?Have a great day and take good care of you!!..Xo
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Once again I've had a fever today. I'm not going to the hospital because that's a huge waste of time but I did schedule a dr appointment for Wednesday afternoon.
One thing parents often miss, from my opinion, is that our kids matter more to us as parents than the parents matter to the kids as adult children. I don't know your son but I offer this to try to help your anger reduce and to calm down your desire to strike back at him. Doing the angry email will not help in the long run and you can take your time to think it out and always do something later on.
My guess is that your son knows he did you wrong regarding paying of the rent in the house you two shared. It wasn't his role to help you pack and move, but it was his role as a joint tenant to move his stuff, clean a final time, pay the last month, and be honest with his co-tenant, etc. I suspect he wanted to move out early on, but felt he could not be honest with you because the expectations on him were high. He may have felt pressure to continue in the old rental arrangement with you and pressure to move in with the GF now wife. And then because he could not or did not speak up clearly about his desires and intentions, he got caught in a bind. And you got into a financial bind trying to move out, pay the last month's rent on your own, etc. Sometimes we hear the vagueness as just vagueness, but often people mean this as "I am uncomfortable speaking up for my truth." OR, and this is something to really consider without the rose colored glasses, he could be a scumbag who does his own thing and doesn't care how it hurts others.
Also, I am assuming you two were joint tenants, he was on the rent, you had a firm agreement between you as to how things would be paid, who was responsible for cleaning, maintenance, etc. If this was your rental and he was simply "helping you out" then he probably didn't feel the obligation to you that you thought he should have. Does this make sense? It is a difference of expectations and if things were not completely clear from the beginning, I can see how conflict could happen.
I think you should do nothing, that is my opinion. Learn to focus on your own life and be calm. Do not email him some hurtful email that you can't take back. Do not text, either. If you want peace with him, you have to be peaceful. You can't make him do anything more and demanding this or demanding that won't get the ball moved forward faster. If he is a good person, he likely has some guilt. Maybe he has anger and blames you for the whole episode as a way to ignore his own participation. Maybe he has a cruel streak so he didn't invite you to his wedding and he truly saw the rent on the house as your problem, not his.
Write what you want to write on paper with pen or pencil to get it out of your head but do NOT send it. Wait, relax, get clarity. Do not blow up again, stay calm. Look into the character issues, look at how your blowing up in such anger pushes people away. This is the seeking of a peaceful mind.
In his mind, he may have apologized. In his mind, perhaps he doesn't need contact with you like you want contact with him. It is also possible that this son lacks a good character and this is simply how he is. If you blow up a lot, he may be afraid of telling you the truth.
I am going to suggest you start a written journal where you put down your feelings. Instead of bombing him with these feelings, your anger, your hurt, feelings of abandonment, why don't you matter more to him, write it in your journal. Get busy creating a happy new life, and don't dig the ditch deeper with him. I highly suggest this book, Done with the Crying by Sheri McGregor.
Please write back if you would like to. I apologize if I got something wrong. My goal is to help you heal. I am not taking his side.
It is very unheathy holding on to past resentments and can actually affect the body in a negative way! Letting go of past negative feelings toward your son will heal both you and your son.
Did you ever hear the Alan Watts story of the little girl and the Rabbit?
Here it is:
I knew a little girl to whom someone gave a bunny rabbit. She was so delighted with the bunny rabbit and so afraid of losing it, that taking it home in the car, she squeezed it to death with love. And lots of parents do that to their children. And lots of spouses do it to each other. They hold on too hard, and so take the life out of this transient, beautifully fragile thing that life is.
To have it, to have life, and to have its pleasure, you must at the same time let go of it.”
― Alan Watts
God Bless
Many thanks x
This is the first day I've been in dailystrength, Looking at different posts, I was drawn to yours so thought you would be one of the first posts to attempt.
It's hard.. I'm so sorry. Hang in there, as it didn't all happen overnight and will probably take time to work out. Maybe he will talk more often and with more content as he feels you're not pressuring him.. Hopefully in the long run it will work out for you both, and be better than ever.
I understand the estrangement, but it's from my daughter. It really surprised me. It seemed everything was good. Then one day suddenly she turned on me and verbally attacked and blamed me for everything under the sun; you could have blown me over with a feather. After 5 years of nothing from her, we've had a few phone conversations this year; I still haven't seen her. They're mostly painful, but she's talking and I'm listening.
It's confusing, though. She says things that never happened. I have no idea where it's coming from-there's nothing I can say but be shocked. I wonder to myself if we ever lived in the same house.. She'll rant and rave pure hatred awhile and then settle down to some normality and even friendliness and happiness, something I can understand, and know where she's coming from.. I don't know, it will take time..
All I know is It's important to me to tell her I love her, and try to not 'rock the boat'. Hopefully as time goes on we'll be able to discuss back and forth or whatever and get something straightened around.
Take care, breathe deep in and out. lol
Let him know that this has not been easy for you and that you are willing to start fresh.
Life is a challenge for everyone as this last year has provenas much.
We need family in these difficult times so that we can all learnt enjoy and respect each other for the better future we are hoping for.
I wish you success in this endeavor and also wish you happiness and love.
https://www.dailystrength.org/group/parents-of-estranged-adult-children
https://www.dailystrength.org/group/parent-of-estranged-adult-children
I know I have to wait but my way of thinking is if it is that he can't be bothered and feels he will pick me up as/when he feels like it, I want and need to know this as this will allow me to make MY decision as to how I wish to proceed.
How long do you wait? How much do you allow your child to start and stop? I am a face up and deal with things in the immediate, he isn't. I can't change my genetic makeup nor his, but 2 1/2 years of silence and obliteration of the face of the planet, then to make contact then stop is not acceptable. I love my boy and would jump off a cliff for him but what I cannot do is allow him to mistreat me. Problem is, I don't know if he is as he is not contacting me. Bar an emergency, I don't believe there is anything that should prevent him from following up what he initiated.
Had to vent, apologies
I hear powerlessness in your posts. I hear anger at the son and fear that he will forever dump you. This is normal and common to estranged parents.
Do you want to continue forever being chained in anger and fear and emotional pain to this situation? Are you willing to work on you so that you can move forward and create a happy life even if you are not in control of this son and the estrangement? Read Done with the Crying, do the exercises, learn to change how you think and get out of the emotional jail cell you are in by freeing yourself.
I am sorry you are suffering so much. I truly understand because at one time I had 3 estranged children, no fault of my own. Swim to freedom.
I was also drawn to your post because I have had something similar happen also and it was eerily similar. About a week before a very close family member was to be married I get this strange message, saying that she didn't know when things went wrong and that she was hurt and felt that I was hurt. I had been regularly reaching out to her. Then I saw the wedding pictures on FB--only members of her church were there. Anyway she is in a church which doesn't appear to welcome those who do not share their beliefs--I had no trouble with hers but part of the church's mission is to convert. Anyway, I was devastated, because of all of the things that we did together (I was a mother figure to her). I felt a full range of emotions from confusion, to shock to anger to sadness. I encouraged her to let me know if she wanted to talk but she never wrote back. I wrote a really really angry letter--I was so shocked at how much anger and resentment I felt, but I never sent it. I wrote what I think was a very kind letter, saying that that it seemed that we had grown apart--basically a "closure" letter for me. While I agree with a lot of what others have said, you are entitled to have your own emotions, and, in my opinion to feel confused, hurt and maybe even angry--these are the normal emotions of grief. Though you are the parent I don't think that you should alway have to take the higher road but do what's best for you and your son. In fact, it may be healthy to give it X amount of time and then make a plan. It doesn't sound like your son is sending loving messages or behaving in a loving way toward you. I think, for me, and maybe for you, being able to move forward is very important. I did not get the sense that you were ready to react out of anger. I would respect yourself and if your son wants to earnestly reach out, I would consider setting a date and forum. and if he doesn't show, I would think strongly about what my next move would be. I really processed things with a therapist before I made a move, and am relieved that I sent a letter because I needed some closure and peace. Good luck
I think that the story that bobinmaine shared is a good one
I think once kids grow up and move on to the next phase of their lives they aren't thinking about their folks all the time... This is just part of growing up and moving on... It doesn't mean he doesn't love you and that you won't spend many more wonderful times together
With regards to the rent and moving the way he did it was thoughtless of him.... I would forgive him and try and let it go
If or when there are less restrictions with Covid I would maybe just ask him or him and his girlfriend over for lunch or supper and have a nice time together... Enjoy each other
I hope that you can do some nice things for you and I hope that you and your son will look forward to many great times together in your future
I think the language that we talk to ourselves in is important.... You wrote that "I live in excruciating pain everyday"..... That's a lot to put on your son and on yourself
I would try and talk to yourself using a more calm language... Less dramatic language..... You were hurt by him and you have been frustrated and angry at him
You are upset with him... He made things difficult for you and breeched your trust
That can all be healed
Perhaps if you could just spend some quality time together doing something nice and bridging the angry feelings the rest can work itself out
If you think you want to lash out I wouldn't do it.... Don't have any serious discussions over electronics.... People get carried away when they don't see a person or see facial expressions or hear tones of voice and it can't be taken back afterwards... Once it's sent it's sent
I hope that you can get together for a nice time and then if there are things that you both want to say you can, hopefully putting love first
If he owes you some money you can discuss a repayment plan once the waters calm... What I was reading from this is that he wanted to make everyone happy but couldn't... He was either going to disappoint his future bride or his mom and that's a tough one
Big hug... xo
I realise and have decided that I just have to wait until he decides to resume contact or not. I am not going to message again. I love my son dearly but there is a part of me that is beginning to dislike him, I know this may contradict the unconditional love mums generally have but I can't deny this feeling, to do so would be to be untrue to myself.
I believe that if he genuinely, really wanted to salvage some form of a relationship then he would pursue this. The hardest part was him making the initial contact, as he wouldn't know what kind of response he would receive. He was given a warm response and encouraged to talk. I can't do any more and I can't do this for him. I laid myself bare in a final message to him last year, heart on sleeve, exposed my very soul, detailed everything I every did wrong and apologised unreservedly. This was difficult as allows vulnerability and opportunity to be further hurt, but most importantly I did it with the intention of giving him understanding. This is what I need from him, to listen and understand from his side. This is all I have asked in return, nothing more, nothing less.
It goes through my mind over and over again why he has stopped communicating, but without the information you start to fill in the gaps, which in itself can be damaging. I try to envisage seeing him, having some kind of relationship with him, moving forward but one feeling keeps returning ... I am beginning to feel afraid of him, this is something I never ever would have thought I would feel about him and it just won't leave me.
Many thanks for listening and your kind words, I will just continue to exist on a daily basis and hope for the best.
Hugs back x
It can be light and simple and you could be the hero and lead the way if you chose to
You don't have to 'just continue to exist'... You can do something kind for you... Another hug...
I wish you well in your choice.... xo