All I can say I totally Understand you!
My Stranged Daughter was also raised with so much love and she turned out like yours! ungrateful unapreciative, of all the love and kindness in my part also only daughter no sibilings, she is 35 years old not talking with me for one year already, she told me she grew up angry at me!!( long story)for working so much, I was a single mother.and not being home enough! she was the one gone all the time!! ( what is she talking about?)..then last year on mothers day she accused me & my husband of scaring the boyfriends away from her(reason why she was not married) and she she HIT ME!! for Gods sake she is in Los Angeles we in PHoenix!..totally false accusation!..
Believe me I feel your pain. my heart aches so muchBut i am learning to cope!!.... I am sure your daughter eill come around soon she is becoming a mother herself, God Help her she will find out what it is like being a Mother!!! trust me.she is coming to you just give her time and ample space :) hang in there girl....
Best of luck to you......

Thank you so much for your response! What you said about your daughter is almost like listening to my daughter! I am convinced that their accusations are a result of their unhappeness. They have no one to blame and heaven forbid they take responsibility or just accept where they are in their life so instead they accuse their families for being unhappy! Now my daughter is so deep into her hate she can't get out. She has built a wall so thick no one can talk to her - she makes no sense. God bless you - i hope you are right about my daughter everyone says the same thing but i have to keep my expectations very low! Good luck to you - no parent deserves this kind of treatment unless they were physically abusing their children - beatng, burnig, etc. None of which ever happened in our home but love and support! Look where it got us.

HI,
I agree with Phoenix. She will understand more, and soften and start to take down her wall when she becomes a mother.
I think it would be very helpful and therapeutic for you if you started talking about how you feel, how her rejection of you makes you feel inside.
That's what you really need to focus on, I think, because you can't control her.
I think that this is a safe thread to talk about how you might feel judged, falsely accused, loss of confidence, embarrassed, etc.

I know to suggest this because my therapist wants me to focus on what I feel in certain situations, rather then describing the situation.
It's hard for me to explain, but I hope you understand. Anyway, that's what I'm working on....How do I feel, where is my confidence, do I feel ashamed, etc.
Clearly I do, as I haven't told you more about me. You are much braver then I am. :)

Ok...I will take a risk of trust on this thread..
My oldest daughter has had a very serious eating disorder and drug addiction for a very long time. (very long story) but I have done everything I possibly could for her, all the rehabs and hospitals etc.

She is very manipulative and lies, and this is part of her disease.
She has told me that I'm the reason for her ED and Drug addictions, but I'm learning through therapy that I'm not the reason at all.
I'm learning not to buy into the disease, and to remember what a good mother I was/am.
Luckily, my other daughter tells me this all the time, and my step kids too.
But I understand all of your feelings.

thank you Bridget,
I have been talking a lot but I am glad you brought to my attention about HOW do i feel? I do feel sad, embarrassed, depressed, like a failure, unworthy to be loved, all these knowing i am not a failure, I don't deserve this but it is hard to believe yourself even when others tell me not to feel guilty! I just can't seem to get it together - I have no idea how we got where we are and why we are at this point. There was nothing that warrants this - i just hate it - I know i cannot change my daughter but only how I am handling this. which I am not handling this very well. I do go for counseling, keep a journal, share my concerns with my husband and my brothers, I am just sick and tired. What is wrong with this picture - why would someone want to hurt their parents? How could someone be so mad and angry. I have never felt this way about anyone let alone my mother and father and believe me my father was not what you would call a good father. He drank and caused lots of confusion in our lives. Who knows why???

My therapist would say...."your doing it again."
She would tell me/you that you are stepping into the clinical role of trying to understand her behavior, which is actually detaching yourself from YOUR feelings.
Keep focusing on YOUR feelings.
I felt ashamed for so long because my daughter was on drugs. (she is in rehab now)
I never know what to tell people when they ask me about her. What is your daughter up to? How is she?
I feel lilke avoiding the situation. I feel sad for her and angry at her and guilty.
I'm trying to help you get back to how you feel. :)
I think that is the way for both of us to heal.

bridget, I am so sorry and empathize with you. The burden is horrible and we both know there are some things we just can't control - these spiteful daughters are out to hurt because they hurt - Living a good life is the best revenge. My sons confirm that i did a good job and they tease me all the time about silly things....they share their life with us and we are very grateful for all we do have. In fact my whole family is behind me and is very upset with our daughter - they were there when we were raising our children. my brothers are so upset esp. since we did have a hard time growing up and did more than survive - we lived, loved and laughed. God Bless You.

I just joined this today so I'm new at this. We seemingly had the "perfect" little family until we discovered my husband of 20 years molested a child in my home daycare. My son was 12 and my daughter was 15 at the time. My now 26 year old daughter is not talking to me right now. We haven't talked since b4 Easter, and she has a 17 month old son and I am now missing out on his develomental stages and moved back here a year ago at her request just to be together again. Our relationship started going downhill after the discovery of their daddy. After my divorce, I did the best I could financially, but both my children took jobs as soon as they were 16, and when I needed help from them to pay rent, etc., they both got angry with ME, but were nice to their daddy who'd committed a criminal, heinous act. I was also trying to keep things up such as getting my nails done, paying for the gym that we all 3 used, etc., so then my daughter got angry about that also. I started doing things with the single's group at my church and their daddy told them that I no longer loved them as my social life had become more important. (When I was with the single's group, my daughter was at work (Sundays) and my son was with his daddy visiting as he was old enough to take care of himself and much bigger than his daddy so he wasn't at risk. Their dad is a non-violent offender and there was no penatration; just games he played in order for the child to feel him, and he exposed himself making it appear to be an accident. I became obsessed w/trying to figure out what would make a person do such a thing. We were a functional, loving, caring familiy who communicated. I did everything possible to be the person mom, but in the last few years, I've told my daughter I will no longer be the dart board as it is too full of her darts. Now, she's angry with me, but I had to set clear boundaries and now wonder if I made the right decision because babysitting her baby also included her putting me down when I'd get depressed or go through problems. I've had everything in my entire home stolen out of my storage unit and she said that's my fault also. I know children take out their frustrations on the one they feel is "safe" but I had to do something to stop it. I'd moved away to another state (18 hours) away to live with my sister for a while, but came home every other month and was invited to be in the delivery room with my daughter. She even admitted that I'd been the perfect mother...up until I found out about her daddy. I totally understand the frustation of losing a child who isn't physical dead and yet we can't reach them.

MarieBB
No parent is perfect and neither are the kids.
We are not responsible for other peoples decisions,and no body can go tru life blaiming others for their wrong choices in life,Specially our children, No parent is perfect and neither are the Sons or Daughters,
I am sorry this is happenning to all of us mothers here! we all have adult children, and they are now responsible for their adult life, the best we can do is move on and hope for the daughter /Son to come to their senses,
I stoped trying to understand my daughters behavior and her attitude towards me her Anger, that is something she needs to come to terms with,,, i just don't know anymore. i left it up to God... a year ago.
Keep the faith ladies!!is all we can do.

Thanks, Phoenixmoon. I finally had to back away and give it to God. I can't stop her actions and now she's going to have to be the one to get therapy as I've already gone. She felt I didn't work "enough" and some of you moms were accused of working "too" much. It seems we did the best we could and for whatever reason, we're the ones who are suffering. My daughter says I hurt her just as much as her daddy because I fell apart and couldn't do anything for myself and yet I got a promotion in another state (I left and moved states away from her to give her some space thinking she'd miss me) and was loving my job, the gym, dance lessons, etc., and sending her some money along the way, but she didn't feel I should do "anything" until I paid her back in full. I paid her back years ago when I got some of my inheritance for the rent she helped me with, but it still wasn't enough for her. I wonder if I raised a spoiled brat? NOw, she says she's working to make sure her child has everything as we were of an average income, but many of our friends had MUCH. I'm wondering if she's frustrated over something else and keeps taking it out on the one who was "always there" as I keep reading the cards from her over the years over and over again as it makes me remember the good times when she appreciated me for always being there. Did I take something away from her by telling her I'd no longer take the verbal abuse? I think we all did our best with what we knew. I read everything I could get my hands on to try to be a better parent than my dad. I let my children know daily how much they were wanted, prayed for and loved. I praised them for everything they did right and stuck to my guns and followed thru when they deliberately disobeyed. She even said I was always fair to a counselor. If it weren't for my son, I'd move away again and never look back, but that's really not what I want...I want to be a functional family again and do things together, enjoy each other's company, share our feelings, decorate together, cook together, shop together, watch movies, go to church together, laugh and enjoy what the baby is doing again, etc.

To BridgettW with how I feel...embarrassed, like a whipped puppy, the underdog, the way I did when I was growing up being abused by my daddy, humiliated, nervous when I was around her, literally sick to my stomach, and I have to admit that us being apart, I've been doing much better because lately I've been remembering the good times. I'm glad you pointed out for us to voice how we "feel". I was a very confident parent when my children were younger; up until we found out about their daddy and I've just realized this week that it caused me to second guess myself because he was doing this without me realizing it and I always thought I was sooo perceptive. I've had to rebuild my confidence, keep telling myself that I'm worth something, and even made a list of all my good qualities as a person. This has helped, but I still want the old person she was back. I want my grandson back too. It helps to know I'm not alone.

thank you all got your support - i just started to go back to a counselor today - i am in hopes of moving on as you have done or trying to do. you can take two families and do the same thing - one will think it is okay and the other will think it is a diaster. who knows what makes a person tick! some children are abused and yet they stand by their parents - forgiving them. I guess some are born with certain qualities of empathy and lovingly.
books to read - Conversations with God, Listen with your heart, daily meditations, there are many that may help and keeping a journal is somewhat helpful. I never realized this was such an issue since my family never hated or did not talk to each other, we had arguments but always made up - no one ever turned their back on anyone - we would just laught and say "well that's Aunt so & so! no big deal. we talked about hurts.

I also want to take responsibility for the things that I did that hurt my daughter...according to her and maybe she even has some valid points and I feel she does in SOME areas, but not all. I tried to continue to live the way we did before, still got my nails done..$13 for refills monthly, gym $20 then, (she went also), haircut $25 maybe every 3 months, had botox when I got my income tax money, when I got an inheritance money from my daddy, I didn't pay for my daughter's entire wedding (she has a daddy too), and only paid for her dress @ $1,000 and tiara, and also some of the bridal and groomsmen's gifts as she bought them nice things...chairs for their favorite teams, etc., I overspent on my cell talking to my sister and couldn't believe it when the bill came to $800, but I paid for it with my inheritance money, and daughter felt I should've used that money to pay for her disjockey, so I felt like a horrible mother, bought some clothes at nice shop that roommate got for me at 40% off then sale, so I got $80 jeans for $20. (I'm still wearing them 5 years later)...tomorrow, in fact, oh, and I also went to tanning salon. She had a fit mentioning what all I still did. I took dance lessons after I had the money. After my money ran out, I did buy several sweaters for $6 - $12 each and gave two to her and my daughter-in-law for gifts and kept 6 for myself as I had a discount where I worked, and also the sales. I bought a salsa dress for dancing for $63! It was originally a $175 dress. She was livid because she'd sent me money for airline tickets and I was only sending her money back in increments of $100 here and there instead of ALL of it, so when I'm come home and had been to the tanning salon and got my nails done, she wasn't happy at all. I was also wearing a pair of boots I paid $17 that were $200 boots. I was proud of myself for getting great bargains as I'd bought several blouses to wear to work for $3.98 at the GoodWill store. All in all, I probably spent around $300 on all of this, but she was VERY angry and didn't think I should spend ANY. There is a part of me that feels I was living a "balanced life" with going to the gym, paying my sister and her husband $120 a month, cleaning their home, and working hard enough that I became a manager! I still owe her around $1500. Now that I've moved back home, I dont' make much at all as I took a major cut in salary to come back here so there's a part of me that feels resentful because I gave up a life I enjoyed to be back with my family that I also enjoyed, but it's been torment ever since I came back here. I do have a job I LIKE; not love, and it pays for my meds, food, and I only pay my roommate $100 a month to rent out a room. OK, now I've said what I'm not good at, but I'm also great at many things and love my children, but I felt I HAD to tell her she wasn't going to talk down to me.

Estranged Moms, please join us to discuss these problems at:

http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/mom-of-estranged-adult-children-all-topics

i have 2 daughters that I have not seen in years. Their dad and I divorced when they were small. I found on face book last nite that my youngest daughter gave birth yesterday. I called the hospital and they transferred my call to her room. I was so happy when I heard her voice and she said to me.. " how did you know that I had a baby, and I told her, that I saw her picture and the baby's picture on face book.She told me not to call again to the hospital, I then asked if she would give to me her phone number. She gave me her cell no. and I told her I tried that, but it was out of service, and she said NO!!!.....it works...so that was that. I cried when we said goodbye, and I did later try the phone no. she gave me, and it was out of order. I have cried since I spoke to her. I have never had any arguments with my daughters, they have just let me go. It hurts so bad, cause I would love to see my grand son , which I will never do. My daughters have changed so much....and I have always been a good Mom, never dated while they grew up, and I love them with all my heart... and Iam relly hurting right now..I also found out back 2 months ago that my youngest daughter was married in 2009, and back then she did call me the month that she married, but never mentioned her wedding to me. I was hoping to find others that are dealing with this issue... so sad. Also found out today, that my daughter has taken all her photos off of face book including most recent phot, that of her in the delivery room holind her baby. I CRIED SO BAD.....I do not understand. My youngest is a doctor, and she has changed so much through the years.