Family Issues Support Group

Family issues is a huge range that go from minor conflict to major misbehaviour and even abuse on the part of individual members of the family occur. Whether you feel you are in a dysfunctional family or you're dealing with a very specific issue, this is the place to talk about it and find others who might be going through the same thing.

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Controlling mother

Sunny256
Sunny256
Hello, everyone!
Im 26 years old, I still live by my parents but I would like to move out as soon as possible. My problem is that my mother is very controlling of me and has succesfully managed to make my life miserable in the past. I want to break free. The reason Im writing is the latest event where my mother convinced me to apply for masters studies. I did that, thinking that I could change my mind later. In the mean time, I got the letter from the uni that I was approved, but I decided not to pursue it because I wanted to work to become financially independant. I couldnt find a job with my college, so I decided to get back to my old job that I did while I was studing, but my mother doesnt approve of it. We spend the last 3 days fighting and she keeps pushing her will with complete disregard of my feelings and wishes. Im thinking about applying for that job anyway, but Im afraid of all the agression Ill get from her, in a form of insults etc. Im still trying to get enough courage to do it. I would really appreciate any kind of advice or anything. Thank you! :)
deleted_user
deleted_user
So Sunny, you've been given a lot of advice here and it's right that you just pick and choose what you want. What further help would you like.
Sunny256
Sunny256
I moved out. Temporarily though in a place they chose cause both of my parents insisted they helped me out and they payed for it for a month (we fought about it for two weeks). I am now supposed to look for another place to be in which I will pay for myself. The thing is that although I moved out (granted it has been only 2 days) I still dont really feel free to do what I planned to. I believe it is because of the last two weeks of fighting with my mom. I dont know why, but the more I talked to her (trying to explain myself and communicate etc) the worse I felt. (?) And Im not sure if those conversations helped anyway. She made me second guess my decision and Im afraid to do it, because Im afraid to make a mistake....I know I will have to go through this alone and become more emotionally independent and confident in my decision making for her to not have any influence on me...it takes time I guess....idk...
deleted_user
deleted_user
this is good info
http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com/2009/01/10-commandments-of-dysfunctional.html
my parents fit the bill!
HateToFeel
HateToFeel
Sunny, just do it. Find your own place and make the moves you think you should. If you're so afraid of your own capabilities and terrified of making a mistake, you won't ever do anything for fear of it being wrong. Nothing is permanent. If you move somewhere you hate, remember that it's a rental. You don't own it and you're not stuck there forever. Look how long you've put up with life as it is (and will hopefully turn into "was"). You can put up with nearly anything for the duration of a year or short-term lease. It just takes one step, and with each choice you make for yourself, it gets easier. Try to be okay with messing up on occasion - it's gonna happen! That's just life. Good luck and hugs to you!!!!
DeliAnnem
DeliAnnem
Well, I for one am SO PROUD OF YOU!!! (Someone has to say that to you!) And I'm touched that you thought of us enough to update. So many post and bail, so thank you!

I'll tell you why you still feel under her thumb- it's called the after effects of 26 years of controlling abuse. It will take a LONG time to get her programming out of your system. Like give it at LEAST a year before you even START to feel like you're getting a sense of who you are without her.

Trust me- I know all about it. But every day you are on your own will make it a little bit better. I'm so excited for you!
Sunny256
Sunny256
Thank you! :)

Can you please tell me do you think this is normal?

So, Ive moved out and I go to the master studies for a week now....yesterday my cell phone died (cause I didnt charge it), when I turned it on I saw 28 calls from my mom and 3 messages. So, I called her back and everything was fine. Today I talk to my dad and he tells me she made the whole drama yesterday (she didnt do that with me) and they fought and she said "What is she doing there anyway?! She is probably just going around and partying and who knows what shes doing. "

WTF?

Evan if I was doing so, so what? And what does that have to do with her? I dont get it.
deleted_user
deleted_user
Hi 28 missed calls is a bit extreme. It's like she's trying to put you down because you didn't answer her calls. Maybe because your parents are paying for your accommodation that is why you still feel trapped. My mum is controlling too but I decided she's entitled to her opinions, but I do have a right to my own life. Once you choose to take control things do get a bit easier.
DeliAnnem
DeliAnnem
No, that's not normal.

She's freaking out and trying to gain back some control she lost when you moved out.

This just proves that you made the right choice to move out. Don't let her try to get hooks into you. In fact, I'd turn my phone off a lot more!
enchanting123
enchanting123
Glad that you moved out, even they helped you. And yes maybe don't answer every call from your mother, maybe call her back at your convenience? Peace and Love
deleted_user
deleted_user
Making mistakes is simply a part of life. You will never know whether it's a mistake..or..the right thing, until you try. Don't let someone else ALWAYS determine ahead and for you, that something is a mistake. You HAVE to experience life, and learn! You can't always be sheltered...shielded...protected. And just because something may turn out to be a mistake, and someone else sits in a position to say "I told you so"....so what?!! You've got to feel the weight of the world, and all it's twists & turns. It's the only way you grow. It's the only way you learn to cope...to handle things yourself...to toughen up.
DeliAnnem
DeliAnnem
PapaRon- sound words. Who is it who said that the only failure in life is never having tried???

Think of scientists... they learn by what DIDN'T work, right?

I'd rather be on my own and have made mistakes along the way and then, when I have a success, I can own all of it!
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