Family Issues Support Group
Family issues is a huge range that go from minor conflict to major misbehaviour and even abuse on the part of individual members of the family occur. Whether you feel you are in a dysfunctional family or you're dealing with a very specific issue, this is the place to talk about it and find others who might be going through the same thing.
Hello, everyone!
Im 26 years old, I still live by my parents but I would like to move out as soon as possible. My problem is that my mother is very controlling of me and has succesfully managed to make my life miserable in the past. I want to break free. The reason Im writing is the latest event where my mother convinced me to apply for masters studies. I did that, thinking that I could change my mind later. In the mean time, I got the letter from the uni that I was approved, but I decided not to pursue it because I wanted to work to become financially independant. I couldnt find a job with my college, so I decided to get back to my old job that I did while I was studing, but my mother doesnt approve of it. We spend the last 3 days fighting and she keeps pushing her will with complete disregard of my feelings and wishes. Im thinking about applying for that job anyway, but Im afraid of all the agression Ill get from her, in a form of insults etc. Im still trying to get enough courage to do it. I would really appreciate any kind of advice or anything. Thank you! :)
Im 26 years old, I still live by my parents but I would like to move out as soon as possible. My problem is that my mother is very controlling of me and has succesfully managed to make my life miserable in the past. I want to break free. The reason Im writing is the latest event where my mother convinced me to apply for masters studies. I did that, thinking that I could change my mind later. In the mean time, I got the letter from the uni that I was approved, but I decided not to pursue it because I wanted to work to become financially independant. I couldnt find a job with my college, so I decided to get back to my old job that I did while I was studing, but my mother doesnt approve of it. We spend the last 3 days fighting and she keeps pushing her will with complete disregard of my feelings and wishes. Im thinking about applying for that job anyway, but Im afraid of all the agression Ill get from her, in a form of insults etc. Im still trying to get enough courage to do it. I would really appreciate any kind of advice or anything. Thank you! :)
If you work several jobs, you can stay out of the home more, plus accumulate money more quickly to move out.
If you allow someone to dominate you, I would expect they will probably try to dominate you for the rest of your life, including men you date, anyone you may decide to marry, where you live.
Look towards the future as to what you want. Then decide if you want to go for the Masters or if you want to work several jobs now and get out.
Is there a means that you could live out on your own, move in with a friend and share expenses??? something on those lines? I think once you are out of your mother's home, she at least won't have direct contact with you on a daily basis.
Sometimes it's nice just to be talking to our parents on the phone so you can either hit the "mute button" or end the call quickly and go back to the peace and quiet...
Maybe she doesn't realize what she's doing?
Sure, we both knew your Mom wouldn't like any deviation from her plan. So?? Were you expecting her to change her mind because you talked to people online? No. It's you that has to change. Not her, but you.
I've done the same as my SIL, moving over 1000 miles away from my family with $300 in my pocket and the promise of a friend's sofa to stay on til I got my own rental. An extremely abusive family environment was my reason. I was terrified, I had nearly no resources, but I wanted to live - not merely exist as a pawn or punching bag or verbal target.
The bottom line is that you're allowing you fear of someone's words and behavior to dictate your life. No amount of advice is going to help you unless you make the DECISION to be your own person. IF you truly want to get away, do what you want to do with your life, you can. You are, after all, an adult and not a child. You can go to university anywhere. You can find work wherever you choose to go. I worked my way through college to an Engineering degree. If you want a life of your own, free of emotional blackmail and everything else, you CAN do it.
You just have to stop wishing things were different - because wishing won't get you ANYTHING or ANYWHERE - and DO SOMETHING to make them different. I hope for the best for you.
I'd get out of the house ASAP so you can do whatever you like. At 26, if she can't respect your decisions, it's time to move out.
my parents never cared for our education yet my mom said it is a priority to have an education but called us (siblings) a sell out for wanting better. my parents are narcs and still are they didn't want me to work in high school for i may meet a guy, make new friends, got the nerve to be independent etc. i didn't get a job until i was 19 and i couldn't handle it i had no idea how to handle work cuz in my life, i was taught more like brainwashed to not knowing how to handle anything difficult from people (employees or customers).
i was taught to be a doormat to people especially by my mom who is a doormat to my dad and seems to like it. when i had a job, it was hell from my mom she doesn't believe women should work yet says they need to be independent. she said they should be like her being abused by their husbands while they still live/mooch off his assets the one that is working!
people say i should have moved out long ago, well, i didn't have the skills to be self sufficient. u can't leave the nest if u don't have that skill to be independent, relying on yourself before u can rely on others to help u. i grew up always needing help instead of figuring it out on my own.
i told people if u were never taught the skills to be independent, then u can't expect that person to just get up and do it. some people have a natural ability to do something without someone needing to tell them - i am not that kind of person. anyway, i am still looking for work and i have such a huge gap. i was so overwhelmed when i was working in 05 with school, work, and my parents that i was always having headaches. i couldn't handle it and quit i mostly quit because the company screwed me over.
people say that i am an adult i can make my own decisions etc not when u live with a narc u can't - i always told my therapist it doesn't matter to them if ur an adult control is still control. well, i am still looking for work and where i live, it is a needle in a haystack even if u have a degree and no experience nobody wants to hire. all the volunteering in the world doesn't help nor does it pay the bills, i am volunteering but i am wanting to move on.
do u have any friends to help you or possible relatives? nobody isn't helping me with my situation and that's a damn shame. right now, i see a therapist she seems to think my parents are saints but whatever not her life. i am contacting some organizations to help me told my therapist how long must i keep continuing to find a job and move out? ill be 40! i feel like i am being punished for the kind of parents i have.
my mom cares nothing about my happiness neither does my dad. my mom has never amounted to anything in her life and my dad manipulates/screws people over to get what he wants in life. ive been trying for years to leave but like i said no life skills, i am relearning them something that was never taught.
if i had income, id like to move out within 6 mos part time or not....
But here's how to get self-sufficient. I'm not being sarcastic. I was non-functionally independent for YEARS and screwed myself up, so I learned these the hard way. (BTW- my Dad brainwashed me that the world's a scary place and my mom modeled co-dependency.)
1. Research what to do. Then make a list and systematically start doing them. Don't start another thing on the list until one is finished.
2. Write EVERYTHING down in a notebook and date it. That way, you have a time record of what you did, phone numbers, contacts, who said what, etc.
3. Write down what you said you'd do and follow through.
4. Get receipts for EVERYTHING and start keeping a tally of your spending and under which category it goes. I'm talking even a soda. Otherwise, you'll never be able to set a budget.
5. Pay ALL bills on time. Once you get out into the real world, there's this thing called credit. You want to build it; not destroy it. That's a whole other issue, but for now, if you don't have the money, don't buy it. If you don't have one already, get a bank account and make a meeting with a financial advisor that works for the bank. It's free and you can ask them whatever you want and it's their duty to help you. You'll never become independent until you control how your money goes in and out.
Think of this as a fun adventure, not something scary. You CAN do it. And I'd not share all your plans with your mother, as she'll sabotage it all.
Good luck!
yea, that's how my parents are. everybody was out to get you according to them family was on your side. they don't believe that themselves, my therapist said a few weeks ago, this is about control and manipulating. i was so close to saying very good, ur just now figuring that out yet ur the one who said they did us a good deed by putting a roof over our heads!
at least you had a friend u could sleep on his/her couch as i don't. what i am doing right now is contacting organizations to see if they can help me on transitional housing seeing what my options are since nobody in the past wanted to help me or tell me anything, i am back to doing it again.
i am still looking for work hard to do where i live.
"However, I think Sunny needs to know all the reasons to at least TRY and that a life of her own IS very possible. Positive support."
agreed
reply #9,
my therapist said to look things up on youtube and learn from that. interesting how u brought up a budget because my bf and i had this hour talk on friday night about my money situation. he said i spend money so fast i told him how come i have to still watch other people buy the things they wanna buy and i gotta sit here with nothing or saving it?
i said getting $125/mo is chunk change u can't make a budget on $125 that only pays my cell phone and 2 weeks worth of gas. he knows i buy my sister manga for us and her which is .50 cents at the library so i can send all of her stuff to japan. he said the same thing your saying start writing what u spend and how much. i spoke to a financial advisor for free at the women's center who said u can't budget on 125 bucks with no job.
yea i do spend money a lot i just feel i am entitled to have the nice things - things i never got growing up and yes that is mostly part of it.....
Really being entitled to nice things means saving up your money to get a better life.
Why only 125/month? If you are working on your masters, then you have a bachelors, right? What in? What's the job that only pays 125/month? No offense, but you can't be working much. Even a job at Walmart should be paying 50 a day, times 5 days a week and that's 250/week, times 4 and that's a thousand dollars a month.
I don't get it. Are you really working???
are you talking to me? if so, i do not have a masters nor a BS never said that i only have an AAS degree. my dad is a selfish narc claiming he can't gimme anymore money cuz my mom is a blood sucking leech yet he has tons of money to pay for whores. but he expects me to fix my car up whenever it acts up!
i am not even working that's the whole point, it was just an "agreement" my dad and i did. nope, not working at all i havent had a job since 06 after i quit my first job so yea huge gap. so, i am not paying any taxes since i am not working.
anyway, if this wasn't directed at me, then disregard this post....