So I don't know where I am at with my feelings right now.. I am confused, hurt, angry, and sad. My father and I haven't spoke in a month. I went to my step sisters sweet 16 which was at his house on Saturday. I felt so uncomfortable. On the drive there my anxiety was on overdrive. I felt awful, i was terrified that he was going to pick a fight with me at her party and ruin her day. I didn't want to not go and hurt her feelings as she shouldn't have to suffer because my dad and I aren't getting along. 

So I got there and sat in my car for a while gathering my thoughts and pulling myself together so I could be there for her on her birthday. I went in to the party whichI was fine at first, but the longer I was there the worse I felt. My father made eye contact with me a few times. I had a thought to talk to him and at least say hello but I didn't want to trigger him to start an argument. So I left it alone. My father never not once said anything to me the entire time I was there. 

I left and had a flow blown anxiety attack when I got home. Thankfully my boyfriend was there to console me and help me through it. My brother texted me that night saying that my father was "sad" that I never said anything.. I couldn't believe that because he never showed any emotion. He's good at putting on a show, I know my father well but when he is truly sad or angry.. doesn't matter how hard he tries he cannot hide it. Anyways, my best friend stayed longer than I did and apparently it was made mention that I never make time for him, and I only hang with my moms family because they have money and do things (not true. I work 3 jobs and they know that and give me a few weeks heads up for gatherings and events so I dont pick up OT).. Also my dad told my best friend that he works a lot so he has not time to text me.... 

I shouldn't let it get to me but, I spend all my time juggling 3 jobs. My free time is spent with my boyfriend and we try and make rounds to visit my family and his. Yet somehow working 3 jobs I manage to find time to text or call occasionally. My father works the J12 shift so he works a week of overnights and then a week on days and then has a week off. This is how is schedule ahs been for years now.. Yet for some reason in his week off he can't find time to text or call me to make plans or say hello. Thats his excuse is he works too much?? I am lucky if I have 1 night off every 2 weeks. But I'm the one with excuses.. for real?!

Then to top it all off... the man who never calls, texts, makes plans, because he's too busy... Contacts my best friend today to arrange a babysitter so her and her husband can come over for a bonfire sometime in the near future. Am I wrong to be so pissed off about this??

I wanted to message him and try to be the bigger person but now I am so angry, I dont think it is physically possible to do that.. I am so hurt that I am not worth 5 seconds of his time. he can't take 5 seconds out of his week stretch off from work to say hi or to invite me to the beach with them. To invite me to the house for dinner, to call me and just say hi. To say hey we're going fishing, or whatever. anything.. but nope. In the last few years the only time I ever saw him was when i bugged and bugged to stop over and visit. 

What do I do?! :((