Families of SOs Community Group
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I am always amazed at how being brutally trampled by the criminal justice system affects people, even in subtle ways. Whether it is a false conviction or just having a loved one mistreated by the justice system and then placed on the registry for life for a nonviolent crime, the effect is the same.
I have had my own horrendous experiences with the prison system and the justice system, but I am mostly referring to the ladies on the board who have husbands, sons, and boyfriends who have been give very long sentences to be followed by a lifetime registration requirement.
Now to punish someone in a fair manner make the punishment fit the crime is one thing, but to give someone twenty years for looking at a naughty picture is entirely different. To watch someone closely who has been released from prison is one thing, but to place them on a "hit list" with so many rules that they are no longer able to function in society is another.
And to punish the perpetrator is one thing, but to punish his wife or little Suzy or little Billy for something their father may or may not have done should be criminal.
What actually happens when a family member or an innocent man is made to endure all these humiliating and degrading laws and restrictions?
It causes us to lose our INNOCENCE. We find out everything we were taught as a child---that policeman are our friends, that the justice system is fair, and that only bad guys ever get convicted of a felony and only really bad guys are sent to prison---was a lie. Everything we were taught growing up crashes down on us and the effect is like throwing cold water on a barking dog.
My father was recently in ICU. As I went in his room, I noticed either a policeman or a hospital security officer talking to a nurse. I KNEW he was not talking about me or a threat to me----hell, I did not even know if he was a real cop. BUT he still made me nervous and I never let him out of my sight. My mind knew he was just hanging around, but my subconscious would not allow me to ignore him.
When the ambulance came to get my father, of course, I was very concerned. I loved my dad, but I was also concerned about something much more sinister. The thought that the authorities might somehow try to say I abused or neglected him or in some way contributed to his death was in the back of my mind. I know, I know, that was downright stupid, but this is what these things do to a person.
I imagine all the ladies here---and guys too----have had their baptism into reality by being involved in this situation with a loved one in prison or on the registry. I can think of several ladies here that I talk to who have sons who have been given absolutely ridiculous----life changing--- sentences for looking at child porn.
You lose your innocence. It is almost like a small child that plays with what he thinks is a friendly dog. When the dog bites, the child's innocence is lost.
He is no longer a child. Reality sits in.
We have all been bitten by "the dog" so to speak. Sometimes we become so cynical that we expect the worst from every situation in life. At times the stress is unbearable.
This is why it is so important to have a SUPPORT forum as we have here. I feel a kinship with each and every person here and there is a common bond that links all together. There is strength in numbers and I am sure everyone here feels comfort by reading others' posts.
There is not a person here who is not hurting or has been hurt because of some of these ridiculous laws.
Just remember----we are all allies. We need to stick together.
rewdiazepam
I have had my own horrendous experiences with the prison system and the justice system, but I am mostly referring to the ladies on the board who have husbands, sons, and boyfriends who have been give very long sentences to be followed by a lifetime registration requirement.
Now to punish someone in a fair manner make the punishment fit the crime is one thing, but to give someone twenty years for looking at a naughty picture is entirely different. To watch someone closely who has been released from prison is one thing, but to place them on a "hit list" with so many rules that they are no longer able to function in society is another.
And to punish the perpetrator is one thing, but to punish his wife or little Suzy or little Billy for something their father may or may not have done should be criminal.
What actually happens when a family member or an innocent man is made to endure all these humiliating and degrading laws and restrictions?
It causes us to lose our INNOCENCE. We find out everything we were taught as a child---that policeman are our friends, that the justice system is fair, and that only bad guys ever get convicted of a felony and only really bad guys are sent to prison---was a lie. Everything we were taught growing up crashes down on us and the effect is like throwing cold water on a barking dog.
My father was recently in ICU. As I went in his room, I noticed either a policeman or a hospital security officer talking to a nurse. I KNEW he was not talking about me or a threat to me----hell, I did not even know if he was a real cop. BUT he still made me nervous and I never let him out of my sight. My mind knew he was just hanging around, but my subconscious would not allow me to ignore him.
When the ambulance came to get my father, of course, I was very concerned. I loved my dad, but I was also concerned about something much more sinister. The thought that the authorities might somehow try to say I abused or neglected him or in some way contributed to his death was in the back of my mind. I know, I know, that was downright stupid, but this is what these things do to a person.
I imagine all the ladies here---and guys too----have had their baptism into reality by being involved in this situation with a loved one in prison or on the registry. I can think of several ladies here that I talk to who have sons who have been given absolutely ridiculous----life changing--- sentences for looking at child porn.
You lose your innocence. It is almost like a small child that plays with what he thinks is a friendly dog. When the dog bites, the child's innocence is lost.
He is no longer a child. Reality sits in.
We have all been bitten by "the dog" so to speak. Sometimes we become so cynical that we expect the worst from every situation in life. At times the stress is unbearable.
This is why it is so important to have a SUPPORT forum as we have here. I feel a kinship with each and every person here and there is a common bond that links all together. There is strength in numbers and I am sure everyone here feels comfort by reading others' posts.
There is not a person here who is not hurting or has been hurt because of some of these ridiculous laws.
Just remember----we are all allies. We need to stick together.
rewdiazepam
We need you to hang around here a little more often. We need your insight and wisdom on this board.
Buildingupslow,
I will write you a long message this weekend. The funeral is tomorrow and I have been pressed for time.
rewdiazepam
Technology has given too much power to the higher ups........the ability to CONTROL. As for me, it's been 5 years on the list (Technically 7 if you include probation)....I have become a home body. I hate going outside.
I was going to SONICS at 1:00 AM in the morning two months ago. They were closed, so on my way home a cop pulled up behind me and his HIGH BEAMS were on....made it VERY difficult to see. After a mile or two, I moved over to the left lane...........he got behind me.......4 miles later he pulled me over and said "You realize you almost cut someone off?"......I said "You made it very difficult to see with your high beams"......he said "Why did you not adjust your mirrors"" and of course I said "I did but your lights were hitting my mirrors and then he said "Well, try adjusting your mirrors.........can I see your license?" ...well, he saw the little code that tells them you are an SO.........he said "Hold on......"........walked to his car then another cop pulled up behind him...........I could see they were talking, looking at the license......10 minutes later he came back and said "Why are you out so late?" I said "I came to grab a meal at SONICS and see they are no longer open 24 hours".........he said "Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight, you could of found one some place else............well here is a citation for crossing over improperly. You will have 2 points deducted from your license...<blah blah>"
I ended up paying $135.00 for the ticket and two points off my license and my car insurance when up by $10.00. I don't trust cops either. When they get behind me when im driving i try to find the next gas station of pull off .......... I always have this fear they will do whatever they can to get you for some violation and probe you with thousands of questions not even related to the issue at hand. When I register every year, I am so filled with anxiety, the questions and the treatment of being a vile person treated worse than someone who has committed a crime so horrid they are considered Extremely Dangerous. I have fallen into a depression and have ended up in hospitals with bad thoughts..........but I'm hanging in there.......I miss the days of friendships, laughter, relationships..........now I live a life of being alone....after having people taunt, and harass me three years ago, I find it so hard to trust anyone anymore. I wont lie, I cry........I get to the point I find it hard to even get out of bed.......I just wish for a life were I can step foot outside of my front door someday and say "Maybe a walk along the lake, or fishing today"......but of course those have been taken away as well......everything that used to bring me joy and happiness are restricted areas......I loved the outdoors, I loved traveling, I loved sitting by a lake watching the sun sit.....now like many, I've been pushed to the limit of seeing the same walls of my room each day and only able to see the lakes by photographs........I am thankful for finding people such as each of you. Forgive me for making such a long post.......I find it hard sometimes to speak what I feel, but when I do, the tears start to fall but no one to call me and say "I care and I understand"..........thank you everyone.
Heartbrokenparent
Thank you Rew and everyone on here for being here.
I reread your post a couple of times, I have been where you are now, believe it or not time tends to take care of some of the feelings.
You have to look in the mirror and tell yourself that you are a good person, maybe one that made a bad choice in their life or was accused when you did not do it, ( I do not know your story and it is not that important anyway) What is important is you trying to get your life back together.
You said you liked to fish, go for walks at the lake, why can you not do that?
There are many lakes that you should be able to walk around without parks if that is what you are being restricted from.
You can get a fishing license at least here in Texas .
Do you have family?
A job to put all you have in it for now?
Rew told me once that I was my own worst enemy, I just at times was unable to get past the damn stigma, hell even my brothers would tell me to shake it off and move on.
But in all honestly both Rew and my family were right, I have finally came to the point in my life that I say SCREW them, I made a mistake, touched a 16 year old female breast, paid dearly for it, but I have a great family and friends that have always supported me, I have moved on and you can too.
No it is not easy, but it can be done, stand tall, do the things you are able to do and never give up, fight back.
My best to you
buildingupslow
When I got married, our marriage was a failure from the start. Her parents did not like me from the first day I met them. They would always taunt and tease me cause I was working as a customer service rep for $12.50 an hour and would tell my x-wife, "See, you should of waited. At least you could of met someone who could take care of you".......so I jumped from jobs to jobs. I tried so hard to fit in their little circle, but no matter how hard I tried they always made me feel like a failure.
The last two years is when the trouble started. She was spending 3 to 5 days away from home with her "Friends". Her father told me "You know, you should let her see other guys. She never had that chance cause you were her first BF after she graduated from high school. Why dont you back off and let her see other men"...keep in mind we are married......this put me into a deep depression. I felt like a failure, used, and everything I worked for was in complete vain......
In 2006 she told me she was going away for a week with her friends......and her words to me was "Have fun! Wait, no one would want you anyways so I guess I have nothing to worry about do I?" then she closed the door with a laughter. She became pregnant while I was up north in a psych hospital.
Our intimacy ended over a year ago. I was always alone. Really no friends. Just me and work. I did the most stupidest thing, I went on YAHOO in hopes of at least finding someone who would remotely talk to me and hear me out.........well, I started talking to someone however, the chat was not sexual in nature at all.........it was actually a clean casual chat.......profile said 18 years old so I figured there should be no harm.........a few days into the chat the person asked if they could talk to me VOICE, so we talked via cell. They started asking me if I could meet them, I declined. They finally came out and told me they were 15 but had to put 18 to use yahoo chat........they started calling me every other day asking me to please come and visit them, and each time I declined and kept declining. The night that lead to my arrest: They called and said "Okay I know your a computer technician at least you can do is come and fix my parents PC"...so I grabbed a copy of Windows XP. Wipe Drive and Norton........when I pulled up, I had 5 cop cars surround me.......keep in mind I have not even gotten out of my car, I just pulled up......I had 5 guns pointed to my head as I was yanked from my car and slammed to the ground......they started laughing and saying "We got you you SOB!".........they tossed me into the back of the squad car and took me into see this dysfunctional little town cop who was asking questions "So you know computers? Does that make the rest of us stupid!? I bet you think we are all nothing but red neck trash huh? Yeah, you thought you were going to get you some teenage sex huh?" then he called whom he said was the mayor "Yeah! We got us another one! Yeah this one thinks he is smarter than us! He thinks he is more educated and we are just red neck trash".............they kept asking me to sign a paper, I was trying to explain to them I was not out to have any relations with a teen that they called me and called me and called me and then asked me to come and fix their PC......he said "Yeah? Well you were talking to a 40 year old copy you stupid SOB!" then he started laughing........
Long story short, I spent 3 weeks in jail on a 98,000 bond cause the magistrate said "He is a piece of sh**! Throw his a** in jail"......my wife at the time never came to visit or would accept my calls. She was with her new BF the whole time I was rotting away. I spent 2 weeks in suicide watch....they took all my clothes and fed me 1 bologna sandwich a day. They lowered the bond to 25,000 so I took all my life savings to bond out. When I got home I found a CD laying on the couch. It was 240 pictures of my x-wife and her new bf hugging, kissing, etc etc........I lost my job, had my car repo, no income. She moved her bf into our home...........they would NOT allow me to eat any of the food in the home. For 3 months I lived on a few cereal flakes, water and if I was lucky an apple, or bread. I dropped down to 107 pounds from 140. My bonds man told me to get out of town. They did a internet sting and caught 7 people. Our pictures were plastered on the news 3 months later. I went up north to see my mom.......I tried to kill myself.....I knew everything they were saying was not true, but based on hysteria and to get a count.......I was put into a psych ward for 18 days.......A few weeks before my court, I returned to my home state. My attorney said "Listen you are taking a plea. YOU WILL NOT ask to take this to trial. If you do I'll just walk you to the jail myself.." I stood in his office, on anti-depressants, anxiety meds, etc......I told him the meds were not working and I was having bad thoughts.......he said "Go to the hospital, I dont want to hear about this stupid BS"..............at the hearing my attorney said "GOOD NEWS! You wont have to register as a SO, but may have to do 90 days"..........then he said "I have a meeting with the DA, I'll be right back".........30 minutes later he said "BETTER NEWS! No jail time but 10 year registration with 2 year community service. And you WILL take this plea deal"........
I could not answer yes or no when the judge asked me if I accepted the plea. I could barely nod yes. The only thought that I could think of is "I would better off if I was no longer existing". I chose to find a psych dr on my own........I saw him for 4 years. He ran a multitude of tests on me for 8 months. Diagnoses came back "Schizo Affective Disorder and Anxiety Disorder".....he stated that by them allowing me to take a plea without giving me a mental health examination was a violation of my rights. He felt I was set up and the police department that did the sting operation was shut down in 2008 due to corruption and being sued by the state for violating the rights of civilians for speed traps etc..
Sorry for such a long post...........all I wanted was someone to hear me. I was depressed, tired of being alone, tired of feeling worthless.......I chose and made the mistake. They said I was charged on the "Assumption" that my intentions were to have done something with a teen even tho there was no sexual chat in the chat log.
What made matters worse, before my court date they told my x-wife, "Oh by the way! Your husband exposed himself on a web camera"...she said "Really? Well the fact is we dont have a web camera, but if he did, show me proof....I want to see myself", they told her "Sorry we dont have a picture to show you, we are still building a case against him"......and my attorney didn't even present a picture......I know I made a horrible judgement by talking to a so called teen, however, they exaggerated the truth to look good.....and now I'm paying the price. I was also warned not to even try to appeal cause if I did they would make it even worse on me. So my time frame to appeal has expired.
My x filled for a divorce. She got the house, everything in the house. Her parents paid for the attorney. She told me if i tried to fight for the house she would tell the court I tried to rape her.......I recorded the conversation and took it to my psych.....I called her on his phone and she said "I never said you tried to rape me, I said there is no reason you should fight me for the house and my parents feel I should get it"
She hid her pregnancy from the divorce judge and after the divorce she and the father of her child got married.
We all make mistakes, however, my act was called a "Non victim act", but I'm being punished as if I DID something with someone...........I am so thankful for every one on here. I was so afraid to tell my story in fear of being ridiculed, and honestly, I didn't want to be seen as this horrid person society has made many of us to be, I just miss friendships........but most of all, being loved.
I hope no one views me as this HORRID person. In real life, I care, I love, I have feelings but I am not out to have relations with a teen, sex was the LEAST on my mind.......I was reaching out for help.....no matter who it was and for that I'm sorry.
I am so sorry for the way you were treated. You don't have to apologize to us or anyone else. You were set up and railroaded. I'm sure if you were in your right mind, you would have taken this to court, as they had no real evidence against you.
As far as you ex and family, they are trash. My brother had the same problem with his wife's family. They hated him and did everything to break them up. One day at work, he got a call saying she was at the hospital having a rape kit done on her, that she was accusing him of raping her the night before (she instigated it, by the way). My brother was scared, he had been arrested for theft and other stupid things before he got married, but was trying to get his life straight. He left town and came home to stay with our parents as the police were investigating. He was home for about a couple of weeks, talking to investigators and his wife by phone until his wife told him she was filing for divorce. The next day, he committed suicide, because he couldn't live with the lies she told. His mother did everything to get my brother out of her daughter's life....
You won't find judgment here Dreams. We understand what you are going through; we are your friends and care about you.
First thank you for sharing your story, you know life has many ups and downs we just need to learn to adapt to them.
Now on the bright side you only had 10 years to register, 7 or so are gone, 3 more left and then a new start. So do not waste the next 3 years, get involved in your state advocate groups.
I myself was on probation for 8 years, my offense happened going on 13+ years ago, I stay involved with 3 groups of people that many are still on probation or parole that have to go to treatment 1 time a week. I use to go 3 times a week to help mentor but with work lately I only get there about every other week.
I am going to try and go to group next week, have been getting a lot of calls from the guys wanting to talk, I really do miss some of them, hell many just made a stupid mistake, and you just cannot keep beating them over and over. So many of these men and women just want to get their life’s back, I truly hope that all of them can.
I am truly sorry for your past but you do have to move forward, we have no choice in that.
I will repeat, find things in life you are interested in, a trade etc that will take you to the next step in your life, Try very hard not to dwell on the past because trust me it does not help.
I myself focus on family, work and groups in that order, lately it is work more than anything else, 14 to 16 hour days or nights because we are behind.
If you are depressed, speak with a doctor about some meds, hell sometimes we all need some good meds,
LOL, I know I did in the early years.
Thanks again and stay safe
Regards
buildingupslow
My family of origin was rather dysfunctional with a lot of competition for attention and jockeying for position. I was the youngest of three children and learned that if I just kept quiet and did not express my true opinions on things then things would usually work out. I just got use to letting the family dynamics define me.
Like most of us do, I grew up, fell in love, got married. We eventually had three children. When my husband was accused of a sexual offense it spun our world around. I have had to learn to speak up for myself, to set boundaries and basically stop letting other people define my worth. My new found voice has led to some interesting things. I have stopped speaking to my very emotionally abusive sister who cannot help taking complete advantage of every opportunity to bash me. She is hell bent on keeping me down and I have had to cut her off. I am getting better at holding people accountable for their improper comments. I vow to always apologize when I am wrong, but not take blame for something I have not done. With my crazy family there are plenty of false accusations to go around. I now reject them and refuse to take them on.
This process of learning to respect myself and standing up and finding my voice has been long but rewarding. It helps so much to have at least a handful of friends or family who are in support of your transformation. The friends and family who were part of the old pattern and are hell bent on maintaining the status quo will put up resistance. I had to embrace a new belief system where I accepted my worth as a human being and then finding ways to protect that new belief system and nurture it to maturity. Anyone or anything that tries to dismantle your confidence and human dignity has to be placed outside the fence, so to speak. Those who accept you and support you are safe to be within the fence.
Hopefully in this group you will find the sort of people who are safe to invite inside your new life. I believe there are many here who understand and who do not judge. I have confidence that you too will be able to embrace a new and positive belief system about yourself. Truth and love will begin to tear down what lies and fear have built over the years. Find your new focus, like buildingupslow suggests. I pray you will know what that new focus will be. Thanks again for sharing your story.
For me, setting up boundaries to keep good things in and bad things out has been a huge help. My own thoughts were a big part of my problem, so I had to choose to change them. I still struggle with the old patterns but it gets easier for me the more I practice enforcing my new belief system. The SO laws and their ramifications chip away at our humanity, but we must not buy into the lies they promote.
Take good care of yourself