Families of SOs Community Group
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Let's start with the premise that you catch more flies with honey rather than with vinegar. I have no statistical evidence to show this is true, but I think we can all agree it seems to make sense intuitively, that people who act badly towards us do not get our benefit of the doubt. That we tend to look more disfavorably on they say and how they act.
Let's also start with the premise that we as families of sex offenders, and former registrants are behind the proverbial 8 ball when it comes to public perception. That even though statistics bear out that we have a lower recidivism rate, society in general assumes otherwise. That even though your child is 13 times more likely to be abused by someone they know and usually know quite well, society thinks that registrants and former registrants are the major problem that they need watch out for.
So assuming both of these premises why are we acting like this?
One commenter in the comments section said:
"so.. ruin a victims life by doing something that will probably effect every decision they make for the rest of their lives and the offenders think they can go on living their lives unfettered? hell no, you better wear that scarlet letter forever. i have no sympathy for sex offenders."
This was met by our side saying:
"Who gives a damn what you think? You are part of the problem."
And
"F you. Get the hell out of the U.S."
We will never win the battle of public perception with people such as this responding this way.
Let's also start with the premise that we as families of sex offenders, and former registrants are behind the proverbial 8 ball when it comes to public perception. That even though statistics bear out that we have a lower recidivism rate, society in general assumes otherwise. That even though your child is 13 times more likely to be abused by someone they know and usually know quite well, society thinks that registrants and former registrants are the major problem that they need watch out for.
So assuming both of these premises why are we acting like this?
One commenter in the comments section said:
"so.. ruin a victims life by doing something that will probably effect every decision they make for the rest of their lives and the offenders think they can go on living their lives unfettered? hell no, you better wear that scarlet letter forever. i have no sympathy for sex offenders."
This was met by our side saying:
"Who gives a damn what you think? You are part of the problem."
And
"F you. Get the hell out of the U.S."
We will never win the battle of public perception with people such as this responding this way.
Every group is represented, people with doctorates, masters, bachelors, former military, people without college education, HS dropouts, you name it. Education and work experience are all over the board. Yet many people believe that anyone that is a felon is automatically dangerous, and that anyone with a sex offense is automatically a child molester or a violent rapist.
With any group, there will be bad apples. Successful registrants (and there are many) don't want to draw attention to themselves and keep a low profile. This means nobody hears about registrants that succeed. Registrants that screw up deserve appropriate consequences, yet this causes problems for those of us that stay on the straight and narrow. In addition, the public believes that anyone registered will fail.
The only way we can succeed is to be far better than the perception that people have of us. Sadly, a number of us shoot from the hip and either do not think about what they say and how it is perceived, or they do not care. it is too bad we cannot wrap up all registrants and give them a "How to respond to online attacks 101" class.
I realized later that people who have been sexually abused as children often have significant boundary issues. More often than not, they become lost in their stories and are unable to separate themselves from what happened. It can take many, many years to begin to move forward with their lives in a constructive way. Its very sad. There are now good interventions, but most do not have these available to them.
I think personal boundaries could play a big part in why so many people maintain these highly toxic attitudes toward SO's. As a friend of mine likes to say, sex makes you stupid. And this is really true. Our bodies are designed to flood with hormones and shut down the frontal lobes when sexually aroused. Ever try to come back to earth when you're high on sex? Of course not. You don't want to. You wouldn't even think about it.
But that's the point. People become so afraid of getting out of control themselves that they have to condemn others who they perceive have done that. They throw up walls of absolute hate and contempt BECAUSE they at some level know they are equally capable of doing the same thing themselves. And these are highly emotionally charged reactions because when the frontal lobes shut down, so does verbal intelligence.
So, in essence, the neuroscience answer to this question would be...yes, these kinds of attacks are made by normally intelligent people who are overwhelmed by idiocy caused by fear of their own hormones.
Nothing you can do about it except not worry about it and stay respectful even when others cannot.
Those are my thoughts.
I never insulted this guy, except when he really attacked me. I kept stating "I am not standing up for them, just stating the laws." However, now I have a feeling there is going to be some sort of rift. I have seen this guy before in town. I'm just going to be looking for his name in the jail logs, because I have a feeling something will happen. Thankfully I don't have a profile picture, because I know this guy would approach me. My concern is, that if he did actually have a friend who is a city officer, why would this officer give such incorrect information? What problems will this cause?
I am a sexual abuse victim. I feel like a rarity in that I really don't hate sex offenders as a whole. There are certain cases where yes, I do get very upset. I do have every sign that I have been sexually traumatized, and it has been hard to move forward. I still have panic attacks about it.
Peek: I have done the same. I will never post about my relationship with my fiance in one of those groups again.
It doesn't matter what you say to a person online who is attacking sex offenders. I have found you aren't going to win. I have only had one conversation that I have ever gotten through to someone. I never get offensive or mean, yet all I get is name called and threatened. Unfortunately we have a world of keyboard warriors who think everything on the internet is true and that the blown out of proportion news stories are the majority of cases.
You need to be better than this. And now it's on the internet for life and people will see if every day and it reflects on the community that, unfortunately, we are part of now.
The first "Who gives a damn" was Oncefallendotcom and the "Get out" was Rod Temple. Not sure if they are here as I'm still new here myself.
As for the behavior, it is completely unacceptable. From both sides. Valerie is really showing that stalker side to her, as well, though.
I realize the registry causes a tremendous amount of stress on us and our families and sometimes the inclination is to strike back with harsh words or actions, but that is counterproductive to our cause. We all lose our tempers at times, emotions run away with us, and it happens to all of us at one time or another; but we should not make it a habit.
Now I do not mean that we should let anyone run all over us, but we should use caution in the words we use.
I know there have been times when I had to leave the keyboard and get a glass of water or take a break for a few minutes when I get upset and emotional about some of the things I read.
People are continually looking for another reason to hate us, so we would be better served to not give them that reason.
We should take the high road and not make ourselves look like the bad people or the hotheads that some people already think we are.
We should not do anything to confirm their dislike for us.
A piece of advice I always give the mothers or their sons or daughters who are registrants is this----get out into the community and show others that you are not the monster they think you are. Be kind to people. Don't glare at people or make menacing faces. Don't be loud or rowdy. Smile. Open doors for those that need help. Chat with people. Show them that you are a normal human being.
After the registrant does that for a while, he will begin to win some respect back into the community and then he will no longer be the "neighborhood sex offender" but "they guy who just made a stupid mistake." This works every time. I have seen it work.
Human nature makes it difficult to continue to hate someone if they are nice to others, respectful and present themselves well.
Frankly, I think everyone around these boards conducts themselves in a respectful manner, but we should not allow others to influence how we act.
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