Families of SOs Community Group
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Hello, this would be my first post here. I am in a long term relationship with a long time childhood friend for about a year. Recently, there have been some accusations in which for two years, my boyfriend had molested his younger cousin. As a child, he was severely abused and as a result, he had done some terrible things. His older brother has similar charges against him, except he had done it for, i believe, four years? My signifigant other had done these acts from the ages of 10 to 12 and his brother had been I'd say 12-15. I don't know what to do.. How do I hold up a romantic relationship given the circumstances? Ive known this one for years, sense we were kids. How do I deal with this? What do I do? Has anyone else been in a similar stuation? Where do I go? I want to run away from it all, this is so much to deal with. Mind you, I'm only 19. Nothing could have prepared me for this
It's a very difficult path, nothing will be "normal" there are so many restrictions of life with a SO but it will all depend on his sentence, charges and what you want. I find it difficult getting what he has done out of my head but I start counselling shortly which will help.
Maybe we should start having classes in high schools that teach people how to cope with sex offense accusations and convictions.
Sally, it brought tears to my eyes, thank you so much for your sympathy it means the world to me, and I am a total stranger to you. Never forget that your support is changing my life and how I go about this. It feels a lot better having this opportunity to let some of this energy out. Thank you, Im still nervous, and very timid, and still in shock.
Honestwitness, I understand and honestly Im scared to be close to other people at the moment. I never would have guessed that my childhood best friend and lover could do such a thing, and its a result of cycles of generations of abuse. Where does the cycle end? And how?!?
Again thank you for a shoulder of sympathy
XoXo - YourSafeHaven
You posed a good question, "When does the cycle end? And how does it?
Generational cycles are very difficult to break, but the cycles of sex abuse from generation to generation will never stop until the criminal justice system makes treatment a priority and stresses treatment instead of pure punishment.
One of the biggest problems with the War on Drugs is that we looked at drug addiction as a criminal justice problem, when actually it is a medical problem. Likewise, in many instances these sex abuse cases are also a mental and medical problem just as much as being a criminal justice problem.
I understand that people who molest children need punishment. Our country is based on the rule of law, but when the main goal is punishment rather than treatment we fail and the cycle can never be broken.
These young men, such as your BF, are broken human beings and they need fixing with intensive and aggressive therapy. Years and years in prison will not help and is not the answer, since the programs in prison are woefully lacking. For some of them they will simply be abused emotionally in prison and come out as damaged---or worse---as when they entered prison. We need to concentrate on healing both the victim and the perpetrator rather than punishment.
This country has a bad habit of sweeping every problem under the rug for the next generation to take care of. We think more laws and longer prison sentences are the answer to everything. Well, I have been to prison, and prison usually does nothing but tear an already ailing person down.
This nation could embark on an aggressive treatment policy for those who sexually abuse others. Instead of 30 years in prison, a five year sentence with 10 years of intensive therapy would be a better choice.
I know most of the mothers and wives who post here and have spoken to most of them a few times over the years. I also know the reason they are here and the offenses their loved one has committed to become an inmate or a registrant. I cannot think of one instance where intensive-----very intensive----therapy would not have been a much better choice rather than years in prison, especially for these non-contact crimes. By intensive treatment, I mean a six hour a day, five day a week program attended while in prison---overseen by some real medical professionals rather than a case manager--- where inmates just learn "to play the game."
Give these guys some intensive therapy which shortening their prison sentence. Sending someone to prison is very expensive, a drain on society, and we may as well be throwing our money down a dark, bottomless pit. At least with treatment, we could see some improvement, and we would be getting something for the hundreds of thousands of dollars we spend each year.
The political climate of this country probably will probably never allow this to happen. We want to hurt the perpetrator, send him to prison for decades, and then make sure his life is hopeless when he is finally released. We want to stick him on the sex offender registry with all its restrictions to make him feel like a failure instead of building him up to make him feel whole again. We want his family to suffer, to live in shame. In short, we want revenge, which is neither justice nor is it a practical method to solve these problems.
Yes, there are true sex offenders, people who are just evil----truly despicable human beings----who need to be put away forever for the safety of society. But there are many----lonely men who download CP, young men who have been abused themselves and go on to abuse others, and people who are just at a bad time in their life who make stupid decisions-----who need treatment much more than pure punishment.
Most sex offenders are not evil people and their offenses were not committed with the intent to inflict pain on others.
When we realize that, and allocate more funds for treatment while scaling back these 25 and 30 year sentences, the cycle will abate, but not until then.
rewdiazepam
Parts of me are scared to move forward to create a life with my boyfriend, naturally. I'm scared to have kids, to have my kids around his brother ect. The worst part is that he wasnt completely honest with what happened until the first court date, when I figured it out on my own, and then he came clean.
So now I'm stuck with broken trust, a broken heart, and a broken spirit.
I hope to god, and I'm an atheist praying, that god can give these boys the help and treatment they need. I want the cycle to end, and I know they do too. They're not monsters, just broken little boys. And I pray that the DA will see this and really truly give them treatment such as intensive pschotherapy. I will post updates as time goes on.
Much love and sincere gratitude for your affections,
YourSafeHaven
I'm so sorry you are going through this. This is a tough road to be on. I'm old enough to be your mother, and it's difficult for me. Being here helps a lot.
Welcome
I hope the DA will have some mercy on him, the cycle of abuse is strong and we cannot punish our way out of it! It just never ends :-(
I do want to say that this cycle of abuse that not everyone who abuses a child or views CP was touched as a child, but it does seem to have a higher prevalence.
"And I am sorry becasue I know what I am about to say is not the popular take on this but to me when the abusers are children themselves (except in the case of forcible attack or rape) it is not abuse but normal human curiosity and development."
Research is showing that between 35 and 50% of child sexual abusers are children themselves. When I went through therapy, the main thing I learned was that abuse was wrong because of the power differences between children. I was older than my victim and that makes something that may seem consensual not consensual at all because that person does not have the power in that relationship to say no. So while it may not be abnormal psychologically like you contend (I don't know if it is or not), I still do not think any child should be forced to do something they don't want to do. There is just a lot coercion in those relationships.
In most of the cases of child on child abuse that are prosecuted there are usually significant gaps in age which make that behavior coercive in my opinion.
Does he want you to have children and even if he doesn't sexually abuse them, is he likely to struggle with how to be a parent (or a husband) given the role models he grew up with? We were abused as children and my brother never abused a child but he's struggled with his own sexuality all his life. And he is a good man. Perhaps your man is too.
My love had been sexually abused when he was a young child, which had led him to become intimimate with his cousin. Now here's the f***ed part, for those who had been following my posts.
He came out to me and told me the truth. Originally, he had told me it had been one occurrence. A couple weeks ago, I went to his first court date where I had seen the amount of charges he had, he had 13 charges against him. Now that didn't make sense? So finally, he came out clean, and told me the truth.
Between the ages of 10 and 12, he had about 6 or so sexually encounters with his younger cousin, who I think was 6 at the time.
Upon discovering all of this, I had also discovered that in my personal childhood, i was sexually assaulted by my dad's exgirlfriends sons.
Now this is the hard part. Because of these self discoveries of mine, I have unwillingly put up a mental wall between my boyfriend and I, this mental wall is, in ways, my defense mechanism.. I do not know how to break the wall down.. I don't know how to let him in to my heart or mind, I have been pushing him away so hard and I don't know if its because he and his brother, in ways remind me of the brothers who assaulted me.. I don't know what to do. Can i even handle this?
Maybe couples counseling?
Also what should I expect from these charges?
Just a scared little girl..
-YourSafeHaven