I agree with independent.
You know, kids make mistakes, sometimes they make sexual mistakes. And,, given a chance we/they grow up and learn better. If you have known him a long time and he has been kind to you (if the sex he's charged with wasn't sexual assault, didn't involve cruelty or physical force or coercion, (the power differential Independent mentions) then I would remember him as the person you knew and decide based upon the quality of your own relationship with him, not judge him or decide to stay or leave etc. based on this new information. If the new information brings up personal issues of abuse in your own childhood, you probably will need to consider if you can separate your own feeling about your abuser and the feelings that brings up for you personally and whether you yourself can sustain a relationship based on your own experience (if you had one) . My suggestion would be to journal about this and then look at what you have written down and see what your writing tells you when you go back and look at it the next morning, say. Then journal again until you are pretty clear about this for yourself. You certainly are not alone in this.

Seek out counseling, maybe even a Celebrate Recovery program (they have programs for people who have been sexually abused). This will help you to sort out your emotions. I know that you feel hurt and betrayed because he lied to you. He may have thought that if you knew the truth, you would leave.

You didn't leave when you first found out. Has his character changed? Has it been ongoing abuse, and never stopped? These are some questions you need to ask yourself, as they will help you figure out what you want. Journaling does help to sort everything out. I've even done + / - columns and put the positives and negatives about hubby. I saw much more positives, and those increased as I saw positive changes in him after arrest.

Hopefully, your BF can now get the help he needs to address his childhood abuse and get help.

Maybe you could both (individually) agree to each get help and work on your own issues which these charges have revealed. Then keep in touch and make decisions about what sort of relationship (or not) you might want to have later. He told you about his own issues and what he did before this trouble came up and before this trouble came up you had your own experience with your step brothers so, maybe handling them separately and changing/growing individually and then seeing if afterwards you are still two people who want to have a relationship seems an idea you and he might consider. If you really grow/make changes during therapy you might be two different people afterwards. Sometimes if you are trying to hang onto a relationship you don't allow yourself the freedom to change because you are afraid that if you change you won't be able to fit into the relationship. Just a thought.
As far as going into a Christian Celebrate Recovery Program, I have a friend who says the program she and her husband are in (in men and women's groups) the proselytizing and saying the correct things to please the leaders particular ideas about religion she feels gets in the way of her recovery because they want her to see things their way, not discover her own path (which might be agreement with their path) but she felt she didn't have freedom to decide for herself.
As far as 13 charges...prosecutors routinely over-charge in hopes of getting a confession and a plea deal on at least one of the charges. If you can, you should read the court file for yourself.
When it comes to kids having sex with each other,(or in your case a stepbrother abusing you) I always wonder, "Where the heck were these kids parents? Was no one bothering to supervise or set an example?"

What I've found is, I have to view things as two different people, but those two people communicate.

I have suffered sexual abuse. I am in a relationship with an RSO. I have several friends who are RSO's.

I do not look at my friends or fiance as the person who abused me. I look at them as abusers. It takes a long time to be able to sort that out, because I am still the scared little girl who wants to blow up the world. One thing I keep in mind is that they are still people. We all f*** up, these are much bigger f*** ups.

I really don't know how to explain my feelings or logic on a lot of how I feel towards people. We all react to, handle and come out of trauma differently.

My best friend (and former boy friend) was convicted of CP about 6 years ago. I didn't find out until a year after his conviction because he didn't want to tell me (will lived in different states at this time, we communicated mostly by email.) The way I found out was I couldn't get a hold of him for a couple months so I searched for an obituary and found his arrest and subsequent registry information. We both still laugh at the email I sent him because it was so blase. We have been friends for 15 years this year.

All I can offer right now is, if you can't handle it you can't handle it. Do not force yourself into something just because you think you have to. This is not easy. You have been friends for years, stay friends. I'm not saying a romantic relationship is completely out of the question, but for your own health step back if you feel the need to.

Lots of hugs sent your way. If you ever want to talk, please feel free to message me. There are lots of people here that will support you

Independent, thank you. Its really hard to see it from the other side of the spectrum, and I can only imagine how hard it is to talk of your situation and your victim. Its a lot of back and forth anxiety in my head, ie am i strong enough to get through this? can i support him? how do i deal with my childhood abuse that I recently discovered about myself? What if it happens again? What if we had kids? Its just a constant battle inside me.

And know not.. That meant a lot to me. You're right.. you know, if you can't handle it, you can't. It is what it is. It's almost too damn easy to feel alone right now, and it helps me so much to have people like you reach out for me and actually give the time of day to offer advice, it means everything to me <3
I have decided to step back from the situation to deal with my personal trauma, I just feel so weak, like I've given up on him, and then I remember I haven't given up, I've just been thinking of my own wellbeing, which isn't selfish, I don't think so at least.

It is too easy to feel alone. It's hard to not feel that way. I feel alone all the time, even when some one is sitting next to me.

Don't ever think for one second that you are weak for stepping back. You haven't given up. Look at it this way, if you are not in a good state of mind or emotional state, you wouldn't be helping him either.

I don't think anyone will ever blame you for stepping back. Having gone through what you have is an emotional roller coaster, and going through the court process and subsequent RSO issues if/when he is convicted is another one.

Don't blame yourself, don't blame him. There is no blame. We are all human.

I don't know if your boyfriend can change, or has already changed. Changing is up to him, and he needs to get therapy for it so he can understand what happened and why it happened and how to stop it from happening in the future. What I can say is that research shows kids that commit these kinds of crimes have a much better chance at rehabilitation. In fact even in a country that is so harsh on RSOs a lot of people are questioning the sanity of lawmakers for putting 12 year old children on the registry. In my opinion from what I've read and going through Children can change, this behavior is not usually pathological in someone as young as your boyfriend was. With the caveat that his young cousin was the only victim. Now if you are talking multiple occurrences with multiple victims, I think that could much more likely be a different situation. And again I am not a psychologist, this is just based off my personal experiences and the research nice read.

I know for me, talking to a significant other about your past is about the hardest thing I've ever done. The second hardest is telling a propspective employer. I cannot even count how many times I've gotten a second interview and the company loved me, then wanted nothing to do with me after I told them. I'm not surprised he didn't tell you everything, but I don't like that he lied about how many times it was.

But to be in trouble for something you did when you were 12 years old and have it ruin your life like it could possibly do to him--my heart goes out to everyone in this situation. The victim who was hurt, your boyfriend, the families involved. This is a very messy situation and I don't think the best way to handle it is to throw the book at your boyfriend and throw away the key. He was 12 years old for goodness sakes.

As Know not says: "step back if you have to." You don't know him enough to make a decision (now and maybe not later) and if you go further in the relationship with this uncertainty still haunting you, well you would always be suspicious of him and if you do have kids how could you forgive yourself if something did happen to them? And how could you keep living together when you might love him but couldn't really feel trusting of him?
And, innocent or not, how could he or you survive a relationship like that?

Everybody.. thank you. I can say over and over again how much it means to me, but god dude it really does mean the world to me to have all of your support.
Like I said, it's a back and forth feeling of suspision.. in ways, I feel like this all would have been easier if he would have been honest to begin with. The hardest part is that he didn't lie to me to protect me, or to protect our relationship, he did it to protect himself from loosing his best friend and lover, which ironically, pushed me farther away then anyone could have.
Straight up, it's so bloody hard to look past it. I have forgiven him, and I really do love him.. I've just never felt a hurt like this. I don't blame him for what he or his brother did, I don't blame their mother for not being there at that time in their lives.. It's just so fucking hard. It really is. It's like a ghost, a haunting reminder of my past.
Isn't it so strange how your mind will literally block out traumatic memories for years? I didn't remember my childhood abuse until all of this came out. I don't remember who told me this, whether it was my mom or my therapist, but they told me your brain lets you remember these things because your brain knows that in ways, you are strong enough to get past them.
Its just... The brothers who assaulted me, I believe one was like 11 and the other was 13. It's just so close to my boyfriend and his brothers assault, It terrifies me. I hate myself for seeing my abusers in my boyfriend and his brother.. It's just something I don't know how to deal with. I don't feel like its fair to punish him with my issues and insecurities for something he didn't do to me, just for something he reminds me of.
Perhaps if we had been together for longer, maybe if I didn't have to face my past, maybe if I wasn't bioplar, mmaybe if I was just 19 we could have worked it out together. I'm so scared to let him in, it's like ive built a mental wall between he and I and I feel so terrible about it.. It wasn't my fault, it's a defense mechanism in my brain. It's just so sad, I feel like I'm drowning in my wish to go back to the way things were.

Are you seeing a therapist right now? What does he/she have to say about your boyfriend being in your life?

Independent: I understand where you are coming from, as I do understand where she is coming from.

I have been abused by two different boys. The first was by a 13 year old age ranged boy and the second was a 17 year old.

She hasn't gone through dealing with her own trauma. It has taken me a very long time to figure out just where I stand. If I were in this situation, I do believe I could handle it. I do not blame her for not being able to.

I do not think it was in any way wrong for her boyfriend not to tell her, because I do understand how difficult it is to tell someone. God, I remember how hard it was for my fiance to tell me his offense. I remember the almost inaudible, panicked call I got from my best friend after the email I had sent him, and my email wasn't even mean or accusatory.

It took me years to be able to handle what happened to me, and to this day I am still dealing with it. In her response she didn't say she was ending any contact with him, she said she decided to step away. Even if she did decide to end all contact with him, I for one can not blame her in the least.

Like I said, I have to look at this as two different people. I have chosen to do this many years ago after my assault as a teenager. I am still the scared little girl but I am a person who is able to see people not as their offense.

Honey, You are OK stop beating yourself up as though you somehow defective (bi-polar is just a label some people put onto us. It's pain mixed with anxiety and fear running back and forth. When this situation and your feelings get sorted out you will feel calmer and won't need the "labels" people try to put on you to explain what happened to you back when. Until now you've been a secret survivor

You'll figure out what is best for you. I too believe that when you "can't remember" it's what your mind did to protect you when you were a little kid. Like others said you are remembering now because you are strong enough and courageous enough to get through this and make a better life when you have dealt with this shock and the hurt/s you suffered. You are already a survivor. When you get to the other side of this your life will feel transformed. You might even think that although you never chose to go through this and would not have volunteered to wade through it this time, you might be glad that you are the person you will become when this, too, passes.

Independant, yes i am seeing a therapist almost weekly, she does not believe it is healthy for me to try to cope with my traumas while being in that relationship, given the circumstances.
And i did choose to walk away, but I don't actually know if I can keep contact with him while i do this. He wants it to be where I have space from him, yet we still talk. I don't know how thats going to work.
He says, you NEED me, even if you don't think you do you do. In my subconcious I want to push him away, push it all away.
I'm just lost.. I'm trying to find the courage to be able to get through to him about it.. I don't want to leave forever, and I don't want to loose him, I just have to do what needs to be done in order for us to work out.
And Janet.. thank you. I'll never forget your words of kindness <3 it actually made me cry a tad bit.

SafeHaven,

I would suggest to take it one step at a time. If you want to try to talk to him while you take a break during your relationship, then try it out, and let him know that too. If you can't, maybe set an timeframe to go back and try again. Also set yourself a point if no return. It's been really hard for me to handle all of this and the length of time that he's gone. I've been close to that point of no return, but I've never had to make that choice.

Good Luck in your healing. Just keep telling yourself, you are not at fault for what happened to you. You did nothing to cause it, you didn't want it. You may have to forgive the boys daily (as well as your BF), but one day you will find you that you are free from any anger or hurt. Daughter went through this with hubby. It took time, but she took small steps at a time, and took bigger steps when she felt comfortable. She no longer feels anger, shame, or pain - she feels free.