Frgnvss and others in his situation,

Have you ever thought that all the stares, glares, dirty looks, and shunning is NOT because they condemn you for anything, but they simply just don't know WHAT to say?? That possibly your paranoia is misinterpreting how they feel about you??

Once I was released from prison, I had several people come up to me and say, "REW, we felt so badly for you and your situation, but we just did not know what to say or how to say it."

After all, what do you say to a family whose loved one has been indicted for a sex crime?? How do you tell them you understand what they are going through???

I have found that sometimes in these situations when we think people are being cold toward us or treating us differently, it is not because they have ill will toward us, but that they understand what we are going through; they are at a loss for words what to say to us. Seriously, I have found that to be true.

Sometimes they will say nothing, believing that if they say anything, it will cause more heartache for your family; that maybe your family does not want it brought up so it is best to say nothing.

Many people will empathize with an offender's family. Many people understand that the family of the offender is not to blame. But many cannot express in words their feelings. They are afraid they might say the wrong thing, so they just don't say anything at all----and all too often we take it wrong.

Think about it.

rewdiazepam

Rew is very wise. My husband is cured ring serving time and my coworkers don't know what to say. A few close friends can chat with me, but everyone else doesn't know what to say. I'm a pretty private person and this was all over the newspaper and online and to have my personal life out there for everyone to see (he cheated, among other things) is traumatic to me.

I get anonymous notes in my mailbox at work from people saying they are thinking of my family and praying for us. It's all very awkward and embarrassing but I do appreciate the good thoughts and odd conversations. I try not to make anyone else feel weirder about talking to me. I mean, people I don't ever converse with beyond "good morning" or "have a good weekend!" I know they have good intentions.

the thing og constant reminder i have every month when i have to see the po at the court house i was in when it all started i dont want to be there i start shacking ever time i get near that place i have to have my mom go in with me even tho nothing will happen i dont what to be there and i no choose to be there every month, did not have to go in this mouth , we got there the same time the po did and just done business out side in the parking lot i liked that more it was not nerve racking for me to do that

i live in the same town i did befor it all started i feel fine other wise its just that one place and the jail omg the jail the state police office is on the same grounds as the jail you have to pass the gates and front door and all to just to register , i look away from the jail but its right beside the state police office and there for can see it the whole time that hurts some but not as much it don't bother me as bad as it did at first, what i done is i programmed the jails radio codes in to my handheld scanner so every time im close to it i hear there radio traffic kinda look fowwerd to hearing it now a days kinda hopping i will hear the radio traffic of a shakedown one day, but that's how im coping with that

the courthouse is the main thing tho

REW: You as always make good points. And I also think my therapist would agree 100% on your positive outlook. I know that for me not enough time has passed. Living here in this home is a feeling you can't describe. It's part fear, but there is part of me that wants to believe nothing has changed. It's hard, to say the least. And I want to believe that not everyone knows and not "every look" I get is because of what has happened. But in the same breathe, how do you turn it off? Turn off that second guess, those "feelings" you have when you see an unfamiliar person walking your neighborhood, or that truck that seems to follow you too long, or who are those new neighbors and has someone told them about what happened, or other random things. I know that I'm in my head space more than I want to be, and I am working on it.

I also feel as though things MIGHT get better once he's sentenced. Maybe that is just something I tell myself to make it through another rough day. Not sure yet. I read about the suggestions to move. And we love our home and won't be easily chased away. Our family member won't be back on the outside for a very long time. And what happens then, is anyone's guess. I'm doing (or trying to do) things as they happen and try not think too far ahead. Not easy, but some days it's the only thing that works. Focus on here and now. Focus on the positive. Surround yourself with good friends and family, and if neither are available, come here.

I've joined a church and have remained fairly quiet, but many people know of our family and I'm sure word has gotten around. I don't worry too much about it though. It's a good church and I feel accepted. I also have a great therapist who understands all of it and is my sounding board. Friends have been on me about going out. And i have given in, twice now. We as the family do social things to keep us busy and in a way it helps for us to not loose ourselves in all this.

It's a long road, but I'll make it, he'll make, we'll all make it. Have faith.

Get involved in a group! If you live in Florida there is a group fighting the laws. Look them up! I think it is called the Florida Action Committee. Or look them up on National RSOL website. Seek out those in your situation in your area. It's much better having someone you can talk to who knows the laws in your state.

Power is in numbers.

I was just given the names of who I should contact at the FL action committee. My hubs got the info from some of his prison mates. I will be looking it up and getting in touch with some people soon. As soon as my two jobs give me a moment to breath....

For the last 2 and a half years I've had to live with the reality that I'm married to a sex offender. Af first, It mortified me, but, being on here, I've realized that it's not the end of the world. When my husband's charges became public knowledge, I discovered who my true friends were. Six months after, I told 3 of my oldest and long time friends about his charges and what he's facing. They embraced me with their compassion and didn't disparage me or my husband for the mistakes he made. He's currently serving a 10 year sentence for Poss/Dist/Receiving matter depicting a child in AR. When we went to church, he was welcomed by our priest, the leadership, and most importantly, the parishoners. Yes, some left because we had a sex offender attending our church, but, most welcomed him. We'd get weird looks when we'd go vote-LOL, he exercised that right while his case was pending; we'd go vote, and it's was exhilarating. We'd walk out, laugh, and I'd think to myself-ignorant, hate filled pathetic individuals. That's what most people are. Avoid them like the plague-you don't need any more negative energy.
In this city of 70,000 people in AR, We have the support of his large family, our church, my employer, his former employer, our therapist and 5-7 close and trusted friends that will love us and respect us no matter what.
Our landlord supports us as well and has told me that he has absolutely no problem with my husband returning to the same neighborhood and house that we've lived in since 2008. Our neighbors know what's coming, and, they don't see my husband as the boogieman-and some of them have kids.
You'll be surprised what short attention spans most people have. After about a week that my husband's picture was on the local news and in the paper, we didn't encounter any moments or people that would have caused anxiety and fear or would exact retribution. Shortly after the media attention, my husband was out walking our dog and he did hear some people in a church yard say while pointing, look, that's that sex offender from the news. That episode didn't stop him from continuing the walk. Don't box yourselves in-keep living your lives as much as possible with the procedures in place for a sex offender out on parole.
As a loving aunt told me last night over the phone, if you are happy as a couple and don't regret the decisions that you made staying with your husband, then it's really nobody else's business, and don't be afraid to communicate that.
Stay strong!

MYMANSWOMAN:

(sorry about that)
MYMANSWOMAN: Thank you for sharing you r story of empowerment and encouragement. Congratulations on being brave and strong. Our story was very publicized and we've have had a bit of adjusting to do. With that said, it will be 4 months soon since our family member was arrested. He has been in a county correctional for the past few months and will not see the outside for about 15-20 years. It is heart breaking to say the least. Today challenged me as I got home from grocery shopping to find an out of state car doing a slow drive by and turning around on the street adjacent to my home only to stare up at our home. I was alone outside with dog and didn't know how to react. I stared right back. I thought of walking towards them and waving, but I don't want trouble. I just want people to understand how ridiculous they are. Why would spend time out of your weekend to peer at home you never knew before in a state you don't even live in? Makes no sense. If people would learn to mind their business and let others move on and deal with their own situations, I think our country would be a far different place.

But this is me venting. I just wanted to thank you for sharing as I really needed to hear that today.

Frgvnss: Please don't go outside even to walk your (hopefully large) dog without your cell phone. That way you can make a call if you need to and you can take pictures if necessary. log the license plate number and describe the people in the drive-by car each time. Talk to your lawyer about it. It also never hurts to have security cameras in place as a precaution. Take a picture (even from inside your house then send pictures and Text to someone else just in case you loose your phone. (maybe even to your lawyer?) . ( Alternatively you can keep a written log of every occurrence, all the related info and the names and "organizations of people who come to the front door or 'just' drive slowly down the block.)

This may sound paranoid or silly but when people drive slowly then turn around and "stare back' even when you take the trouble to let them know you see them? There really are crazies out there. (in addition to media and reporters etc) This kind of "media attention" and googling draws flies. These are just in case measures you can take to reassure and protect yourself and actually feel safer and less intimidated by the drive-by looky-looky crowd checking out your residence for what ever reason. ( same as when some prey on people whose names were in the paper and drive by hoping to rob your house while you are away or steal presents delivered at Christmas etc) And then there are some real haters willing to do more. It never hurts to know you are doing something to build your case should things escalate. Even documenting a lot of strange cars driving by might be useful in getting more police to drive-by your house!

Mostly Collateral Damage is not expressed directly but you don't have to put up with intimidation. Just knowing we have a safety plan in place empowers us, Helps us feel more secure and less afraid/ less challenged by people and situations like you describe.

Take care. My safety plan is "Always better safe than sorry." LOL

Frgvnss,

I do not quite understand your fears; I think they are unfounded.

Not once---not one time---in all my years either being a registrant or working with registrants have I ever heard of a family member being physically attacked for a crime committed by a family member.

Registrants have been attacked---and even murdered---but not a member of his family.

I have seen cars being egged, toilet paper thrown all over the yard, fences torn down and dogs being poisoned, but I have never heard of another family member being physically harmed. Maybe it has happened, but I keep up on these things and they have to be rare.

Why would anyone be mad at you for what your relative has done?? And why would they exercise that anger to the extent of risking an arrest by assaulting you or your family??

Most people have short memories and your relative's situation is no longer in their mind. Usually something else comes up in their lives that replaces any such thoughts.

rewdiazepam

My house received 6 eggs after midnight Friday night..... 1st time anything has happened in the 3 1/2 years I've lived at this location.Sigh!

I pick up trash along an 8 house frontage when I walk my dog to keep it looking nice. Before Christmas I found a zip lock baggy with some pot in it in front of my house. Probably someone threw it out their car window thinking a cop was following them. May be they got mad at me for that? It's the only thing I can think of.

Actually Rew, there have been cases where someone comes to murder a registrant and kill the family member as well because they were there. It's not something I wish happened, but it has all the same. I will be placing security cameras around my home whenever hubby comes home.

I will be too. I will also be bobby trapping my front yard with the fecal matter that my dog leaves when I take her out to poop. It's legal-dog pooping on your own lawn can't get you in trouble. This way, whoever has the nerve to try anything with our house or car, they'll end up with really disgusting stinky shoes that will leave tracks that we can then have the police investigate. I'll also be talking with our landlord about putting in motion sensor lights in the front and back before he's released.

Thank you everyone. REW: You know I hate being my head too much. I have been trying to turn the corner, but it's hard. People like the ones I talked about make that much more of a challenge. JANET: I pray that it doesn't come down to all those precautions, but I know it is better to be safe than sorry. Most of our neighbors seem genuinely ok with us living here. But it's people trying to move into the neighborhood or those in neighboring towns that just can't help but drive by to do whatever, that really bother me. I am looking into a self defense class and we have cameras in the house at all entrances, but I think for ultimate security, I may have to get a professional security team to install outside cameras. Which is what scares me because of having someone in our home installing these things. My trust for people is hitting an all time low. I know it gets better, I really do. Just want to be safe.