Until my husband gets off of life time probation we will need some type of advice because the system is so bias. I have told him to play the game but it doesn't work. He is handicapped and they do and will take advantage. Unfortunately the legal (lawyers) help is not that great either. I have learned to take one day at a time and save money for the future. I use to think differently but now I know better.

His PO, Treatment center. and our local cops scare me to death too. I have joined WAR and try to work on changing the system. The head of our RSOL group is in prison for a probation violation so that group can not help. Not sure what else to do. I make sure I take care of myself too so I can help others.

Nak....what is so wrong with coastie's post? He tells it like it is. It may not be what you want to hear. But listen to the rest of his message. He is just trying to help and encourage you. I appreciate your concern for your son. And yes....sometimes life sucks and and is not fair...so to speak.

Sometimes as mothers we need to cut the strings and let go. I will be the first one to defend my children. I will be the first one to attack and defend my children. It is what we do as mothers.

I will also be the one to take down my child. I will punish him. I will teach him. If he crosses that line...i will take him out!

I will love them regardless. And my kids know that. And there is nothing wrong with your love for your son.

I hope you can find peace.

I do not think Coastie pulled it out of his butt. I agree with West, he was just trying to help your son. I think he could've worded it much more tactfully, but that is not his style.

Looking back on my situation from a greater perspective now, I am very glad that my parents continued to push me out of the next so to speak. There was one point where I could not find a place to live other than at my parents. It was either not approved by the PO or the place wouldn't take me. Even then my parents were pushing for me to figure it out, find a place to live, keep my job, make it work. There was not a problem with me staying there, or they could've bought or leased a small house for me to stay at, but the idea was for me to make it on my own. They worked very hard to make sure that I understood that if I wanted to change my situation that I had the power to do so. They never let me feel sorry for yourself and as I said before there was lots of tough love. I can tell you I think I turned out to be okay while surviving probation and life on the registry.

As a parent your natural reaction is to help, sometimes the best thing to help your child is to push them out of their comfort zone and watch them fly. Maybe, that is the best way to help them.

Now I don't know you, nor do I know your son, and I am not trying to tell you what to do. I am just telling you what worked well for me and how much I appreciate the lessons I learned from my parents when I went through that phase of my life.

No you guys there was a post that is now deleted where Coastie actually called her a not very nice name - it looks like an admin deleted pronto - and Coastie showed his true colors on that one too bad no one saw it for long ...

Also, real men do not call women bad names or anyone for that matter ...

I didn't see that one, that's not okay.

We had a woman PO awhile back. She came all dressed up in riot gear emblazoned with POLICE, parked where everyone could see we were having a "visit" and usually had another Po with her. I think she was afraid of her job and terrified of Sex Offenders in general. She came in and stomped around almost literally shaking in her boots and stomped around, searched through everything, just daring anyone in the house to make a wrong move, say the wrong thing, anything set her off. I think she was so afraid she bullied us, was rude and seemed to just dare us to do/say something, anything so she could violate my husband for "non-compliance" I think a lot of them act out of their own fear of losing control, their own need to dominate. Maybe she was raped sometime. Who knows? Their fears of us are hidden behind the flak jackets and comes out as domineering self-righteousness. Some just come dressed to dance even when there's no music playing!
Never mind, just remember the parole department switches parole case loads and officers around like the rest of us change dirty underwear. You won't have to "live with" this guy forever so If you don't like this PO there'll be another one (and probably soon.) Just keep calm and carry on and keep your mouth shut. Let your son do any talking that he thinks is necessary. If what your son says gets him violated, at least it won't be something you accidentally said that got your son in trouble. It's true he's on parole but your life is restricted by his conditions. It is what it is. They are like they are. Get on with your own life..

And PS just a funny story: I never opened my mouth to her but Once when she came to "visit" she turned on my husband and complained, "I can see how SHE looks at me!." Luckily I was not the parolee but I guess maybe if looks could kill?

Independent....right on. Your parents taught you well. I think we all learn life better when our parents kick us out the nest. It is fly or fall. To fall is ok. You learn to pick yourself up fluff your feathers and try again.
To be successful as parents is not about making it easy for your kids. Its not about fighting your kids battles. Its not about them having a better life than you had. It is not about them being happy. So then what is it? It is about them being able to navigate through life on their own. It is about supporting them but let them make their own decisions. It is to guide them. Call it tough love if you want but i disagree. Its called preparing your children for life good and bad.

Both my kids knew if they ever ended in jail i will not bail them out. They need to deal with it. Dont suck me into your mistakes. And yes....i will still love you and support you unconditionally but you need to work it out on your own. This is when they realize they are who they are because of what they went through and were able to do right on their own.

And Coastie was out of line for his remarks if he called Nak a name. And then again Nak is out of line for her comments as well. To say Coastie pulled it out of his ass along with the phrase WTF. So lets be fair about this.

No one tells me my son isn't an adult. No one knows what kind of life he lives. He lives his own life.

You and Coastie have no right to decide that my son needs to be a man... He is one. Coatie and you are just insulting. I don't take crap about my kids. I'm there to support him, but no one talks to me like my son is a child and I need show him tough love so he'll be a man. What a crock of crap.

If you mean I should have left him in Floriduh so he could live in a tent next to a railroad track instead of supporting him and making a place for him to live when he got out... People marry strangers and give them everything. I help my grown son, who lives on his own, has a job, etc... and I'm given parent lessons. WFT.

No what coastie said was way beyond what Nak said but that is subjective too - I agree and disagree with what you are saying - for normal kids yes I agree 100% But when you have a 18 or 19 year old young man that has not had a chance to go out and get experience for a job etc. (small jobs here and there) and they are not allowed to live in your home, can not hardly afford the bus, and they have a label on them that makes life for them twice as hard - your choice is to let your child be homeless or help them. I chose to help - while I have a breath in my body and am able to do it he will not be homeless. He has a decent job know and can afford his bills but not a car so many time I still give him a ride - that is what I do and I am not hurting my son in any way by doing that ..... and personally I do not understand any parent leaving a child in jail - they made a mistake so you have to punish them too?

I would never and could never be a parent that kicked my kids out of the nest - teach them responsibility and encourage independence? yes of course - but we are not talking about normal circumstances here folks. Those of you that live in states where there are not many restrictions on RSOs or those that have not tried to navigate the system after jail or prison have no idea ....

You are so right Nak. Make is easy for your son. Mother him or should i say smother him. Now that is a crock of crap! Maybe you should have left him in the tent next to the tracks. If you want to carry his bucket of shit then go for it. Dont you have your own buckets to carry? A grown man does not need his mommy. My son joined the Army at 17 yrs old. My daughter has been on her own since 18yrs old working full time and college full time. And if you knew their childhood.....it would scare the crap out of you. My son was to be the next Dahmer and my daughter destined to be pregnant at 15.

I guess it comes down to personal choice as parents.

Now you are out of line West - what do you gain by attacking Nak or her relationship with her son? it is not mine or your or anyone's business - I do not agree with what many say on the forum but personal attacks are uncalled for and you are being a bully for no reason I can see ... just exactly what is it that makes you think you need to or have a right to say those things?