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I love my son very much, and it completely breaks my heart with how bad his life has fallen apart on him and despite his best efforts, nothing seems to be getting better with him and I'm concerned for him.
Mon son has just recently plead guilty in court, served 90 (60 with his good behavior) days in jail, and will be on the Sex Offenders list for the next 10 years. He lost his girlfriend, his "friends" abandoned him, lost his career and has no choice but to move back closer to us (meaning he has to sell his house as well). He has fallen into a deep depression and has lost all hope that he will be able to live a full and rewarding life.
I guess I should say what he did. I should stress that myself and his mother will always love and support our son. Despite his past and his issues, he is a very kind, warm, and caring individual, so please don't judge him. He plead guilty to 1 count of accessing child pornography. Please allow me to add some context here. He actually plead down to this charge as he was originally looking at production/distribution. I know this makes him sound like some kind of terrible monster, but he has never, ever, inappropriately touched a child. The evidence the authorities has wasn't videos or pictures, but a fictional written story he wrote and shared on a message board. Because this story contained individuals under 18, its considered child pornography.
As you can expect, when he called us to explain that he has been arrested, it completely crushed us. This topic isn't something I can say I've ever been interested in learning about (easier just to play ignorant about it). I know the kind of person my son is, so I took it upon myself to learn everything I could about pedophilia. It was quite an eye opening experience! When he speaks about the fear he felt that kept him from asking for help, I completely understand now. At first I thought it was irrational, but seeing how someone with his issues is treated in the realm of public opinion, I can't say I would have done any differently. For a while we thought it was something we did as parents; "why didn't he come to us about this? We would have gotten him help. Did we screw up as parents?". It was hard to accept that it had nothing to do with us, that he was hiding this secret for self preservation purposes.
We have had numerous conversations with our son, asking all the important questions to get a better understanding of his mindset and his beliefs. I believe my son 100% when he says that he has never inappropriately touched a child, that he would rather kill himself than act out on his desires. The rest of his past is irrelevant for the purpose of this post.
Getting a better sense of how long he has been dealing with these issues, we have learned that he first identified himself as a pedophile when he was 13yo. That is over 15 years of waging a war within himself, trying to deal with his urges on his own. It has led to depression and anxiety and a fear that because of this, he was less of a man and made him afraid to connect with anyone on an emotional level. He was afraid people would see right through him and see the "monster" underneath. It's these same fears that cripple him now.
My son posted his story over 4 years ago during (what he claims) as the darkest period of his life. He was on this message board trying to find "a place to belong" as he was really struggling with his urges and felt completely alone. I could only observe from afar, but it seemed that it was shortly after this time that he started to "wake up" and really begin to enjoy his life. He had a great job, found exercise (lost 50lbs), found a good group of "friends" and even began a relationship! He told us that during this time, he had no issues with his desires, stopped posting in that community, and was developing his confidence and self esteem. I was truly happy to see my son start to show the world the wonderful person his is.
Granted to say, all these events has completely destroyed his world and is now worse off than he has ever been. We have tried everything to give him hope that things will get better for him and that his past doesn't define who is is and what he has to offer. That he's still the same person he found previous to his arrest. Every time we talk, I just get the sense that he's defeated and has lost all hope. I fear that we may soon lose him entirely.
I hope i haven't given the idea that we are blaming other for our sons actions. We aren't happy with things he has done. Truth is, is neither is our son. He will be the first one to tell you that he takes full responsibility for his actions and while there's a number of explanations for his actions, he is not using them as excuses. I commend him for the steps he has taken since this whole ordeal started. Right away he sought out professional help; he sees a social worker once a month and a psychologist twice a month. He has made great strides, but he still has a long way to go. He's still wrapped up in his "I'm not good enough" mindset and that he is somehow "destined to die alone". He has just about given up hope that he will be able to find that special someone that will love him and he can love back and start a family with. He has told us on numerous occasions that the only reason that he didn't kill himself in the past was because he held on to the hope that he would one day be a father. If he loses that hope now, it keeps me up at night thinking about the possibility of losing my son. I'm especially worried now because his benefits are running out and he will soon has to pay out of pocket for these professional services (on top of paying for his mortgage and car and not having a job).
I have asked my son point blank if he was considering suicide and he has assured me that it wasn't something he would do. In his words, "I have caused this family enough shame and wouldn't want to add to your burdens by having to process my death".
How can I get through to my son that he can still have the life he has always wanted? To give him hope that there is a light at the end of this tunnel. He wants desperately to change and to get better and to move on. I know deep down that my son is being sincere and he truly wants to change and not let this small aspect of himself define who he is. He is trying so hard and is showing great strength through this whole thing, except he doesn't see this. I desperately want him to see this!
I'm sorry if I've rambled, but I have no one to talk to about this. My wife, bless her soul, is doing the best she can to understand but she either cant or doesn't want to think of this whole thing as years of deep rooted issues and an addiction. Her way of processing is by labeling this whole thing as "a mistake", but it's not doing all the years of pain our son has felt any justice, and I know that frustrates him as well.
anyway, I'm not sure if anyone can help me. But it feels a little better to get this off my chest. Again, I ask you to please don't judge my son. Thank you for your time.
Mon son has just recently plead guilty in court, served 90 (60 with his good behavior) days in jail, and will be on the Sex Offenders list for the next 10 years. He lost his girlfriend, his "friends" abandoned him, lost his career and has no choice but to move back closer to us (meaning he has to sell his house as well). He has fallen into a deep depression and has lost all hope that he will be able to live a full and rewarding life.
I guess I should say what he did. I should stress that myself and his mother will always love and support our son. Despite his past and his issues, he is a very kind, warm, and caring individual, so please don't judge him. He plead guilty to 1 count of accessing child pornography. Please allow me to add some context here. He actually plead down to this charge as he was originally looking at production/distribution. I know this makes him sound like some kind of terrible monster, but he has never, ever, inappropriately touched a child. The evidence the authorities has wasn't videos or pictures, but a fictional written story he wrote and shared on a message board. Because this story contained individuals under 18, its considered child pornography.
As you can expect, when he called us to explain that he has been arrested, it completely crushed us. This topic isn't something I can say I've ever been interested in learning about (easier just to play ignorant about it). I know the kind of person my son is, so I took it upon myself to learn everything I could about pedophilia. It was quite an eye opening experience! When he speaks about the fear he felt that kept him from asking for help, I completely understand now. At first I thought it was irrational, but seeing how someone with his issues is treated in the realm of public opinion, I can't say I would have done any differently. For a while we thought it was something we did as parents; "why didn't he come to us about this? We would have gotten him help. Did we screw up as parents?". It was hard to accept that it had nothing to do with us, that he was hiding this secret for self preservation purposes.
We have had numerous conversations with our son, asking all the important questions to get a better understanding of his mindset and his beliefs. I believe my son 100% when he says that he has never inappropriately touched a child, that he would rather kill himself than act out on his desires. The rest of his past is irrelevant for the purpose of this post.
Getting a better sense of how long he has been dealing with these issues, we have learned that he first identified himself as a pedophile when he was 13yo. That is over 15 years of waging a war within himself, trying to deal with his urges on his own. It has led to depression and anxiety and a fear that because of this, he was less of a man and made him afraid to connect with anyone on an emotional level. He was afraid people would see right through him and see the "monster" underneath. It's these same fears that cripple him now.
My son posted his story over 4 years ago during (what he claims) as the darkest period of his life. He was on this message board trying to find "a place to belong" as he was really struggling with his urges and felt completely alone. I could only observe from afar, but it seemed that it was shortly after this time that he started to "wake up" and really begin to enjoy his life. He had a great job, found exercise (lost 50lbs), found a good group of "friends" and even began a relationship! He told us that during this time, he had no issues with his desires, stopped posting in that community, and was developing his confidence and self esteem. I was truly happy to see my son start to show the world the wonderful person his is.
Granted to say, all these events has completely destroyed his world and is now worse off than he has ever been. We have tried everything to give him hope that things will get better for him and that his past doesn't define who is is and what he has to offer. That he's still the same person he found previous to his arrest. Every time we talk, I just get the sense that he's defeated and has lost all hope. I fear that we may soon lose him entirely.
I hope i haven't given the idea that we are blaming other for our sons actions. We aren't happy with things he has done. Truth is, is neither is our son. He will be the first one to tell you that he takes full responsibility for his actions and while there's a number of explanations for his actions, he is not using them as excuses. I commend him for the steps he has taken since this whole ordeal started. Right away he sought out professional help; he sees a social worker once a month and a psychologist twice a month. He has made great strides, but he still has a long way to go. He's still wrapped up in his "I'm not good enough" mindset and that he is somehow "destined to die alone". He has just about given up hope that he will be able to find that special someone that will love him and he can love back and start a family with. He has told us on numerous occasions that the only reason that he didn't kill himself in the past was because he held on to the hope that he would one day be a father. If he loses that hope now, it keeps me up at night thinking about the possibility of losing my son. I'm especially worried now because his benefits are running out and he will soon has to pay out of pocket for these professional services (on top of paying for his mortgage and car and not having a job).
I have asked my son point blank if he was considering suicide and he has assured me that it wasn't something he would do. In his words, "I have caused this family enough shame and wouldn't want to add to your burdens by having to process my death".
How can I get through to my son that he can still have the life he has always wanted? To give him hope that there is a light at the end of this tunnel. He wants desperately to change and to get better and to move on. I know deep down that my son is being sincere and he truly wants to change and not let this small aspect of himself define who he is. He is trying so hard and is showing great strength through this whole thing, except he doesn't see this. I desperately want him to see this!
I'm sorry if I've rambled, but I have no one to talk to about this. My wife, bless her soul, is doing the best she can to understand but she either cant or doesn't want to think of this whole thing as years of deep rooted issues and an addiction. Her way of processing is by labeling this whole thing as "a mistake", but it's not doing all the years of pain our son has felt any justice, and I know that frustrates him as well.
anyway, I'm not sure if anyone can help me. But it feels a little better to get this off my chest. Again, I ask you to please don't judge my son. Thank you for your time.
Certainly no one can tell another how to identify themselves but self identifying as a pedophile does not make it so. Many people think a pedophile is anyone that commits a sex crime involving under 18 but that is not the case. Pedophile is a clinical diagnosis. If it is so that he is a true pedophile there are programs out there to assist (do not use help for this diagnosis on the internet! Find a professional that has experience and if you do not like that one find another) - Let him know that there are many young men out there that are enduring the same pain and anguish that he is - and there are many that understand.
Please tell him that in many ways he is one of the lucky ones - the fact that he is only on the registry for 10 yrs tells me that he has been designated one of the least threats to society. I know 10 yrs may seem like a long time to him but it really is not in the world of the registry. He is so lucky to have a light at the end of the tunnel. My son who has a similar crime is on for life because of the state we live in (FL only has one registry term - life - and they keep people on it even after they die!) In fact, he is almost half way there!
He will have a life again and I believe he will get all those things he wants - it may be delayed a bit but it is certainly possible.
Here is one case in Ohio in which a young man was prosecuted for writing obscene stories about children, but it was overturned by the Ohio Court of Appeals---
http://tinyurl.com/js3aadg
Here is another such case out of Oklahoma, in which a pastor wrote a story or stories depicting sex and children, but as the fictional characters in the story he used the names of children who attended his church.
http://tinyurl.com/zep5g4h
That particular case is on hold, I believe.
http://tinyurl.com/grg5wzh
I just checked the district court records of Oklahoma, and that case was dismissed.
Here is the line for the entire case, including the dismissal.
http://tinyurl.com/nvqxqvl
These are thought crimes, pure and simple. Such prosecutions are beyond ridiculous. You would think that a prosecutor would have bigger fish to fry than to file charges for only writing an erotic story.
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He was also abandoned by his "friends". He decided to trust someone who he considered a good friend, but after telling my son that he would support him and be there as a "brother", this guy decided that after thinking on it a few days, that "he wasn't going to judge, but he couldn't support it". (Note; That was this guys words and it crushed my son... made him feel like complete crap that his "friend" considered him and it). Not only that but he told another guy what was going on (so betraying our sons trust) and this guy decided that he was going to play "moral police" and out my son to everyone else in the group. He didn't even tell the truth, telling the others that my my son had actually molested a child.
So my son has had to go through all of this alone. We are there for him and support him as best we can, but there's only so much we can do over the phone.
Advocate; As my son has explained to me, this started when he was 13 after seeing a younger boy naked in a change room. That at this time he began trying to find material on the internet. He started with nudist sites and it escalated over the next few years. As "high speed" internet became popular, he found P2P programs where he could find all different kinds of materials to fill his urges. I really do believe that it was the internet that did my son in. He explains his use of child pornography what similar to that as an addiction and the "acting out" cycle he was on for years; mounting stress would result in him downloading material, he would keep it for a while to stop his urges, would feel totally guilty for what he was doing, and then delete everything. Sometimes the break within cycles would last days to weeks to months. On advice of his lawyer, my son had a risk assessment done and the doctor concurred as much that the access to the internet during the formative years played a large role in how my sons pedophilia developed.
The psychologist he sees has experience working with individuals like my son. He really likes her and she has helped. She has helped him truly understand how those "acting out" cycles work and worked on ways to prevent any further relapses. To my sons credit, he had all but eliminated the need for the pornography on his own. He explained to us that it was a few years ago that he realized just how damaging that material was and took a hard line that he no longer wished to view it. He said he had 2 small relapses since that point (over a 3 year span) but his computers were completely clean when the police did their searches.
My son has discussed with us how he feels frustrated with how being a pedophile is viewed in todays society. He wishes the media would distinguish between a pedophile and a child molester/rapist. He says shows like Criminal Minds and CSI has really skewed this. When they have shows dealing with these things, everything is "a pedophile does this, a pedophile likes it like this, a pedophile will act this way". I know I never saw the difference, but as my son has explained to us being a pedophile only relates to feeling of certain sexual urges, and that not every pedophile is a child molester and not every child molester is a pedophile. Its unfortunate that people don't want to see the difference. It's just easier to lump all of them together and its not fair.
I know I'm probably not doing his story any justice. He has said so much to us about how he feels but its impossible to me to convey everything he's said (mostly because I still don't full understand all of this).
We are actually in Canada and the story is illegal. As well as mandatory minimum penalties. As I said he plead down to the lesser count of accessing which came with a mandatory minimum of 90 days in jail. If we had taken this to trial, he would have been looking at a mandatory minimum of 1 year. All over, what I consider, a thought crime. There is no victim here but he's being punished because of the perceived notion that his story could have led to someone to recreate his story, or some such BS.
Had he not posted the story online, there would not be an issue as it would have been protected as being private use. Since he posted it online, its considered distribution. It's completely absurd.
And we are dealing with a single story. I guess no matter how small, its another notch on the prosecutions belt and they can pat themselves on the back for "catching another monster" and justify all the funding they get.
Just a quick question, had your son ever looked into the group Virtuous Pedophilies? They are an anonymous group of minor attracted people who do NOT want to act out on their desires. Many find talking to others who also struggle find help and healing dealing with their attraction.
I also know the blame game and wonder why my husband didn't ask for help. He too felt trapped and wasn't able to reach out for help. I wish our country was more about helping people, than convicting them. Had he felt safe enough to reach out for help, we could have stopped/prevented the abuse. My husband Knows noe that we are a team and we can work through these things together. Having people like us on their lives and knowing their issues and struggles, we can help them to avoid reoffending.
One of his "playground conditions" is that he cant access the Internet except for school or work purposes, so accessing any online groups is a little difficult. Even if it was possible, I'm not sure he would be interested as it was being a part of an online community as it was what got him caught in the first place.
I believe him when he tells us that its not the attraction that worries him anymore. He says he drew that proverbial "line in the sand" a long time ago when he vowed never to inappropriately touch a child. He insists that he is confident that he can push that line even further back and never again view that material. They way he explained it was that viewing the pornography was the only way to relieve his sexual tension. Unfortunately all of these issues caused him to shut inward so he never knew what it was like to have a healthy adult relationship so anytime he would feel the need to unload his sexual frustrations, he turned to the pornography. After getting a taste of what a healthy adult relationship can offer, thats all he wants again. He said being intimate with adult women was 100x more fulfilling than anything he got out of viewing the pornography.
I think we have all seen first hand how little the "justice" system is interested in rehabilitation. It really is a shame.
I know my husband has been working on his issues and used porn/sex to "self medicate" to feel better. Now he doesn't have those, he had been working on the issues himself.
You are absolutely right, the system doesn't care about rehab, nor does it care about helping the victim to heal, nor about doing anything to stop/prevent abuse. Which is something I'm really advocating to change.
"Diagnosing a person as a pedophile says something about the nature of his sexual orientation. It says nothing about temperament, or about traits of character, such as kindness versus cruelty, caring versus uncaring, sensitivity versus insensitivity, conscientiousness versus lack of conscience, and so on. Thus, a diagnosis of pedophilia does not necessarily mean that a person is lacking in conscience, diminished in cognitive capabilities or somehow “characterologically flawed”. Rather, he may be a concerned person dealing less than successfully with sexual and affectional temptations of a sort which are very foreign to most men."
The above quote is taken from: Pharmacological Treatment of Sexual Deviation
with special emphasis on the Treatment of Pedophilia It is an article prepared for The Medical Moral Newsletter by Fred S. Berlin, MD, Ph.D., director of the National Institute for the Study, Prevention and Treatment of Sexual Trauma, Baltimore MD and assistant professor of psychiatry, Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine.
Dr. Berlin's paper states, "The man who becomes sexually involved with children is quickly scorned, stigmatized and condemned, frequently with little interest in discovering what motivated such behavior initially, let alone with any interest in showing compassion or forgiveness, or in providing him with help." Dr. Berlin goes on,
"To provide help is not to condone the behavior. For surely such behaviors need to stop. Surely the needs of those who are victims must also be met. But how does punishing an “offender” help his victim? Restitution might make more sense. Furthermore, is punishment in such cases invariably just when It is the intricacies of his biological constitution that have produced their psychological sequence."
As far as I am concerned the rush to in-justice' ignores the fact that your son has good character, is capable of controlling or diverting his impulses, feels guilt and has simply written about his thoughts are important indications of his good character and his desire to do no harm in spite of what might be his sexual orientation.
People are ignorant and use the word "pedophile as though anyone attracted to a child is completely and forever without self control and incapable of drawing ANY "line in the sand" and justify their own tendency to scapegoat, scorn, stigmatize, condemn and punish based upon those fears. Attraction is not action ( else mere thought becomes a crime) From what you have explained, it seems to me that your son has both conscience and character.
Hopefully the cases Rew cited above will help in your son's defense. I agree with Though as Weak that Virtuous Pedophiles might help your son connect with other men who are attracted to children/ young people but who are celibate for the sake of children. I think it takes a really heroic person to deny themselves in such a basic way and seek help and the company of others who may also help and support their decision.
I can commiserate with your situation, in a way. I am a woman who was dating a man who had a bit of a different fantasy. He was interested in a small corner of the BDSM community called giantess. Some who have this fantasy are the ones for whom crush videos are made - their fantasy is to be tiny and crushed by .. well, a giantess. His fantasy, however, was to be shrunken small enough to be consumed alive by a woman. Some think that I am a decent writer, him included, and he asked me to write a story for him. I did. I put them on a personal blog. A 'friend' found my stories and convinced herself that I was a monster and that her child was not safe from me. She went to the police. For the sake of keeping this post as short as possible, I ended up with a public defender. He told me that my stories would be nearly impossible to explain to a jury, I should not gamble more than I was willing to lose - basically, his advice was to accept the plea bargain that was being offered. I was young and inexperienced with the legal system. I did not even know what discovery was. I did not read discovery, and I'm not sure that my lawyer did either. The state was offering probation and prison terrified me. I placed my hand on a bible, swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth... and then lied.
That was almost 15 years ago, and some of the wounds are as fresh as they were all those years ago. It hurts. I, too, have considered my life not worth living on more than one occasion. I avoid public, I avoid relationships - how can I explain all of this to a potential mate? I have chosen to not have children of my own because, frankly, being around children now scares the living hell out of me. I avoid them at all costs. I have never touched a child inappropriately, I have never written about a child, I have never accessed pornography that includes children, I have never fantasized about children ... but, here I am. Although some of the details of my journey are probably quite different than other people's journey, we're all in the same boat. Here we are, trying to figure out how to navigate through these rough waters.
Good luck to your family. Don't ever hesitate to share or reach out.
I fully agree that everything needs to be done to protect the victim and restitution makes a lot more sense and shouldn't immediately jump to punishment. My son told us that he didn't learn anything extra from serving time in jail. That the rehabilitation he engaged in before and the continuation after is what has helped him start to get a handle on his issues. That the 3 month break between sessions was far more detrimental. I realize there are going to be guys who, for the betterment of society, need to be locked away. The ones who are beyond rehabilitation. But its not fair to lump in low end offenders like my son in with the child rapists. Rehabilitation needs to be explored first and if it doesn't work, then punish them.
Prison is supposed to help keep the general public safe by locking away those that may cause further harm to people. I know I may be biased, but my son never was or ever will be a risk to the general public. He has always volunteered his time, taught youth sports, taught adult sports. He has always enjoyed being in service to others and the race to punish him has taken away a productive member of society. He's struggling now with trying to find ways to give back to the community and help others while having to carry around the SO tag.
Unfortunately my son's case has already been heard by the courts and he has served his time. In Canada, the laws are pretty black and white. CP is any material; image, videos, audio recordings, and written word. Because of this, there really was no defense that could be made. My son saw that and decided to ask for a plea deal so he could speed up the process and move on quicker. Had he gone to trial, he was looking at a mandatory minimum of 1 year. He figured any deal the prosecution was going to be less than late. As his lawyer explained, getting the prosecution to come down to the lesser count that only carried 90 days was a very fortunate outcome and was the best case scenario for my son.
i know the kind of character my son has. I still see the same good person that everyone we know always complimented us on over the years. My dream is that one day he begins to see this as well.
nsiclkeba: I'm sure your husband really appreciates your strength and I commend you for sticking with him. He will always have myself and his mother and his siblings for support. Its unfortunate that the people he thought knew him best were so quick to judge and toss him aside. We try to frame it like "they weren't real friends" but i know that doesn't make it hurt any less, especially with how few friends he has.
JustAnotherNobody: I'm sorry to hear the issues you are dealing with, even after all this time. But I don't understand what you did that was illegal here. You wrote a fantasy story about someone else's fetishes. Its unfortunate that you got screwed over by a public defender. That was my fear for my son, that he was going to get hosed by a public defender who was actually in the pocket of the prosecution, so I hired an actual defense lawyer for him.
I can say to you what I keep saying to my son; don't let your bad circumstances define who you are. Don't let it rob you of enjoying the things you've always wanted!
Turner Classic Movies showed a video the other day from 1957 with some religious zealot talking about obscenity laws and how they should be strengthened using fire and brimstone as the basis of his platform. The video was hilarious, partly because it seemed so out of date but also partly because it's not at all out of date. As I watched this, I thought to myself how little progress we have made in almost 60 years.
Our best to you and your family.