I love my son very much, and it completely breaks my heart with how bad his life has fallen apart on him and despite his best efforts, nothing seems to be getting better with him and I'm concerned for him.

Mon son has just recently plead guilty in court, served 90 (60 with his good behavior) days in jail, and will be on the Sex Offenders list for the next 10 years. He lost his girlfriend, his "friends" abandoned him, lost his career and has no choice but to move back closer to us (meaning he has to sell his house as well). He has fallen into a deep depression and has lost all hope that he will be able to live a full and rewarding life.

I guess I should say what he did. I should stress that myself and his mother will always love and support our son. Despite his past and his issues, he is a very kind, warm, and caring individual, so please don't judge him. He plead guilty to 1 count of accessing child pornography. Please allow me to add some context here. He actually plead down to this charge as he was originally looking at production/distribution. I know this makes him sound like some kind of terrible monster, but he has never, ever, inappropriately touched a child. The evidence the authorities has wasn't videos or pictures, but a fictional written story he wrote and shared on a message board. Because this story contained individuals under 18, its considered child pornography.

As you can expect, when he called us to explain that he has been arrested, it completely crushed us. This topic isn't something I can say I've ever been interested in learning about (easier just to play ignorant about it). I know the kind of person my son is, so I took it upon myself to learn everything I could about pedophilia. It was quite an eye opening experience! When he speaks about the fear he felt that kept him from asking for help, I completely understand now. At first I thought it was irrational, but seeing how someone with his issues is treated in the realm of public opinion, I can't say I would have done any differently. For a while we thought it was something we did as parents; "why didn't he come to us about this? We would have gotten him help. Did we screw up as parents?". It was hard to accept that it had nothing to do with us, that he was hiding this secret for self preservation purposes.

We have had numerous conversations with our son, asking all the important questions to get a better understanding of his mindset and his beliefs. I believe my son 100% when he says that he has never inappropriately touched a child, that he would rather kill himself than act out on his desires. The rest of his past is irrelevant for the purpose of this post.

Getting a better sense of how long he has been dealing with these issues, we have learned that he first identified himself as a pedophile when he was 13yo. That is over 15 years of waging a war within himself, trying to deal with his urges on his own. It has led to depression and anxiety and a fear that because of this, he was less of a man and made him afraid to connect with anyone on an emotional level. He was afraid people would see right through him and see the "monster" underneath. It's these same fears that cripple him now.

My son posted his story over 4 years ago during (what he claims) as the darkest period of his life. He was on this message board trying to find "a place to belong" as he was really struggling with his urges and felt completely alone. I could only observe from afar, but it seemed that it was shortly after this time that he started to "wake up" and really begin to enjoy his life. He had a great job, found exercise (lost 50lbs), found a good group of "friends" and even began a relationship! He told us that during this time, he had no issues with his desires, stopped posting in that community, and was developing his confidence and self esteem. I was truly happy to see my son start to show the world the wonderful person his is.

Granted to say, all these events has completely destroyed his world and is now worse off than he has ever been. We have tried everything to give him hope that things will get better for him and that his past doesn't define who is is and what he has to offer. That he's still the same person he found previous to his arrest. Every time we talk, I just get the sense that he's defeated and has lost all hope. I fear that we may soon lose him entirely.

I hope i haven't given the idea that we are blaming other for our sons actions. We aren't happy with things he has done. Truth is, is neither is our son. He will be the first one to tell you that he takes full responsibility for his actions and while there's a number of explanations for his actions, he is not using them as excuses. I commend him for the steps he has taken since this whole ordeal started. Right away he sought out professional help; he sees a social worker once a month and a psychologist twice a month. He has made great strides, but he still has a long way to go. He's still wrapped up in his "I'm not good enough" mindset and that he is somehow "destined to die alone". He has just about given up hope that he will be able to find that special someone that will love him and he can love back and start a family with. He has told us on numerous occasions that the only reason that he didn't kill himself in the past was because he held on to the hope that he would one day be a father. If he loses that hope now, it keeps me up at night thinking about the possibility of losing my son. I'm especially worried now because his benefits are running out and he will soon has to pay out of pocket for these professional services (on top of paying for his mortgage and car and not having a job).

I have asked my son point blank if he was considering suicide and he has assured me that it wasn't something he would do. In his words, "I have caused this family enough shame and wouldn't want to add to your burdens by having to process my death".

How can I get through to my son that he can still have the life he has always wanted? To give him hope that there is a light at the end of this tunnel. He wants desperately to change and to get better and to move on. I know deep down that my son is being sincere and he truly wants to change and not let this small aspect of himself define who he is. He is trying so hard and is showing great strength through this whole thing, except he doesn't see this. I desperately want him to see this!

I'm sorry if I've rambled, but I have no one to talk to about this. My wife, bless her soul, is doing the best she can to understand but she either cant or doesn't want to think of this whole thing as years of deep rooted issues and an addiction. Her way of processing is by labeling this whole thing as "a mistake", but it's not doing all the years of pain our son has felt any justice, and I know that frustrates him as well.

anyway, I'm not sure if anyone can help me. But it feels a little better to get this off my chest. Again, I ask you to please don't judge my son. Thank you for your time.