Families of SOs Community Group
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My husband is in jail awaiting his court date because he committed Statutory rape. By an authority figure. My 16 yr old was the victim. She never wanted me to report this. What? The man I trusted had sex with my daughter. Her 1st story was He just asked several times and she e eventually gave in. This is the story she gave police. He denied it for weeks until he finally confessed. Then the twisted truth comes out. My 16 yr old was skyping, Facebook, texting, calling this 19 yr old boy stationed in south Korea and he was listed I. Her phone as " master". We knew about him, she said a friend introduced them, because her boyfriend was stationed somewhere in the USA with him.And I confirmed that with her girlfriend. After my husband's confession to the detective He told me that when the acts were going down, this 19 yr old was on the phone listening. This prompted me to get on my daughter's FB And I read her messages. This boy knew about the " abuse" in fact he talked with my daughter about it, like it was turning him on. I discovered the boy and my daughter had a long distant " master/ submissive relationship and he prompted her to seduce my husband, and my husband is a textbook sex addict. So when my daughter asked him to watch her do things, with that boy on the phone listening, my husband gave in instead of sayin no nd calling me at work. I got admission from her about this. I got the military involved since the local police wouldn't touch that part and she is in therapy trying to figure out why she let that boy manipulate her. My husband was so wrong and he needs to pay for his actions. I just feel like he was a victim of himself. I asked her that if she had not been talking to that sick sick boy would she have done all this and inticed Her step dad.. She said no. So I have lost a husband, a stepson, I have some anger toward my daughter. I am fighting depression. My pressure went to stroke level for days until I decided something wasn't right and was hospitalized. I still am fighting to keep my daughter safe from twisted boys who may even be men on the internet. She has been caught sexting strange " boys" on FB. I have explained to her how easy it would be for them to find her using Google and maps. She thinks I'm trying to ruin her life. I'm trying to protect her the best I can to keep history from repeTing itself and trying to send her on the right path. Through all this she is maintaining a 3.50 Gpa. She's talented and artistic and can play 2 instruments. I am a mess in my head. I miss the man who is my soul mate. I hope I get past that. I respond to his letters from jail with words of hope for his life and anger because of his lack of self control. Angry because I have to take care of everything alone because he needed that rush sex addicts crave. Sometimes I feel like I don't have any hope left for myself. I m dead center of 'll of this. I cannot express how I really feel to my family because they will accuse me o betraying my daughter by loving him still. I took his son to see him in jail. My mother found out yelled at me and did not talk to me for 2 weeks. I took his son with his mother's permission because she won't. Maybe I'm still in denial after 6 mths. I confided my feelings to one of the ministers of my church. She did not judge me. Just offered advice of take it slow and keep in the word and pray. I pray for my girls and him. I pray that his jailhouse religion sticks when he is released. I pray my daughter's will use this in a positive way when they grow up. I know my husband is not a bad man. Evil entered my home and busted a family apart. I wouldn't talk to him if he had truly sexually abused her. I suppose I'm on here is because I feel like maybe I'm losing my mind and need confirmation I am or to connect with someone who has a similar story.please don't judge me for how I've handled this.I am a worse judge of myself then anyone ever could be beside God.
This is so much for you to have to handle. I am sorry all this "stuff" leaches out to mess up your life and cause you to loose people you thought you could trust. Come back. People here certainly understand your story and are here to help and support you as you go through this. "This too shall pass" so just keep on keeping on. No matter what your best option is to move positively forward. Take Care. Janet mackie
She needs to have her computer privileges revoked except for school work only and her computer use be monitored and supervised 100% until she leaves the home. Also she is in DIRE need of continued counseling until the light bulb turns on in her head.
It's clear she doesn't comprehend how decisions affect everyone. She thinks that she is "bullet-proof" and that her actions are not harming anyone. That was clear when she said that she didn't want charges pressed.
I cannot imagine the pain that you are going through right now and my thoughts and prayers are with you right now. I am sorry that the counseling you received wasn't working out. I do recommend that you do try to continue to find a Christian counselor that can help you sort through this gauntlet.
Divorce is not easy, and I have never been married but can imagine that you feel like you have failed in some way shape or form. God does hates divorce (Malachi 2:16) but is permissible for cases of infidelity and such. I cannot imagine the decision that is before you. Because I am a brother-in-Christ I really do recommend that you seek God in prayer about this (really everything else too down to what you need to do with your daughter, because only He knows what's going to work) and have peace be the umpire of your heart the word talks about as well. God does have an answer for everything that deals with this. It just sometimes takes time and patience to hear what He is saying about it, and I will be the first to admit it's not easy.
God is not afraid of a challenge like this and He is just waiting for you to talk to Him about it like a best friend is right in front of you.
God bless,
- Steps
Mary
The carte blanche attitude that it is "Never the child's fault" is far to succinct to apply to all humans under the age of 18. The age of 18 is a legal line not a human one. Your daughter sounds like she wants to make adult decisions, do adult things, so then needs to pay adult consequences. If she has a car, take the keys, put it in storage. If she has a smart phone, take it away, it is not necessary. Her freedom needs to be curtailed as well, to school and home, period. No school overnight field trips and no social events. She wants to be an adult, while she committed no crime in the eyes of the law, she did act as an adult which caused harm to another, the consequences should be as egregious.
I agree your daughter is not really a full blown adult, but she is certainly no child anymore either. I remember 16, I was NO ANGEL, nor was I a virgin. SO, that being said.... Your husband should have had self control and known better. Yes addicts have impulse control, doesn't excuse the wrong, just explains it. He will also pay dearly for his choices, where your daughter will not.
Some are going to possibly say that my suggestions would be borderline reckless, but your daughter is obviously playing with fire, being reckless herself and when one does that they will get burned, better by you than by real life, if you can help it.
I do not think you should leave your husband if that isn't what you want to do. It is YOUR LIFE, not your family's not your churches but YOUR'S. It is not your job to bend to the will of what others believe is 'best' for you, it is your job to think about what is really right for YOU and yours. The thought of being that brave to do what you want will give you anxiety I guarantee it, it will not be easy but you will be happy whatever road you choose to take.
Just don't let people bully you in to spouting the rhetoric that is the political propaganda of our society in regard to sex offenses.
Now to address the part about when an addict can't afford treatment prison in the only other alternative. This is a harsh truth, unfortunately the thought that they get any help, rehabilitation is a misnomer and an out and out lie to the public. Very little real 'treatment' goes on in prison. But the real issue with addicts is that they have to really 'want' to change their behavior, because for some the urges never go away, they just learn to control them or channel them in a productive manner rather than carrying it out. So if he wants to control his urges, control his behavior and take charge of his addiction he'll have to make the effort both in and out prison.
This country used to have many government funded mental health facilities. A few decades ago the government decided that they didn't want to fund them anymore, there was a lot of scandal surrounding them because of treatment of patients and the conditions that they were kept in. So they started closing those facilities. But where did all the patients go? They were deemed 'well enough' to be released. Once released many committed crime to get by or because they couldn't help it or whatever, which put them in prison. So now instead of having mental health facilities where many really belong due to real chemical imbalances and mental needs, they are in prison. Where they will get no real treatment, no real help, and no hope for anything better than the 'revolving door of our nation's prisons'.
You just need to take this one day at a time, and remember you can only give out of an abundance. Take the time to refill your own tank first. For me meditation helped, but you have to find your metaphorical peace and calm in this storm and stay there as much as you can.
We are all here for you and hopefully collectively we can answer most any questions you may have. Hang in there!
One person is in complete dominant control, like her dad. Telling her where to go, what to do, what to wear, what to say, when to say it, etc. The difference between one of those dominant/submissive relationships in an adult setting (such as 50 shades of grey) vs what kind of message it sends to a child. Are sooooo very different. The reason I make this kind of 'leap' is because of what you said about that FB friend that was telling her what to do. Remember in the dominant/submissive relationship, the submissive chooses when all the stuff starts and when it stops too. That is the reason for the safe words and things. But they comply, they agree and they are not innocent bystanders that enjoy abuse. What they enjoy is the freedom of not having to decide on ANYTHING, it just isn't their responsibility anymore, it is the responsibility of the dominant.
I don't know how much everyone knows about these things, which is why I explained it. With all that being said, the patterns that your daughter is displaying appears to be along these lines...
So you hang in there, don't think about what anyone else thinks this is YOUR life and YOU are the ONLY person that will ever have to live with the consequences of YOUR decisions. Because all those people that chose to walk away from someone based on the decisions they make about their own life, aren't really your friends, cause a friend or family member would support you regardless if they like or approve of your decision, that decision is YOURS and no one else's.
You are doing a great job... Don't forget that.
Just because a teen is underage does not mean he or she is totally irresponsible for anything and everything he or she may do. Society does not necessarily believe that either; many underage teens are tried as adults.
Underage teens, in many instances, know exactly what they are doing. One of the big problems in our criminal justice system is that we treat 14-15-16 years olds as if they are six or eight years old, with no concept of right or wrong. Underage teens have to hold SOME responsibility when they get into a relationship with an older person, especially if that person is not too much older than she is.
While this is not necessarily relevant to the stituation here, I get so dang tired of an underage teen doing something and then playing the victim card when it is brought out into the open.
rewdiazepam
My husband is currently serving time for possession, distribution of child porn. He will be eligible for parole after serving 20 months. He's in state prison. You have support here and please don't hesitate to seek support and advice from the many individuals that have been here for years. We will not judge you and we are here to support one another.
I will keep you in my prayers as your journey begins.
mymanswoman