I attend S-Anon (for friends and families of sexaholics) to learn how to keep the focus on me. (sanon.org) Many of us are not aware that we are focusing on our loved ones instead of ourselves.

Also, Rew - that is a VERY generalized and biased suggestion for women to get their hair done or go shopping. That, to me, is like saying all sex offenders are pedophils. You know I think you are amazing and I hope you will think that statement through more. Purrs!

Good point, Scared Kitty.

But you have to cut me some slack. I am not involved with a woman right now and have not been deeply involved for a long time. Sometimes I may say things that make it apparent that I know little about a woman’s world.

But I am trying to learn.

rewdiazepam

Thank you rewdiazepam for always giving a word of wisdom. Your advice is always solid and I may not always comment, but I always see the things you say. It truly helps!

Txarmywife made a couple of observations that people may not understand, but are very true.

Most offenders, especially against minors, cannot tell you why they offended. Many people become angry with them when they are at a loss for the reason they offended, but I am confident that most actually do not know what made them offend.

Over the years I think it could be a combination of a lot of events that lead them to offend. As I have stated, early in my work I noticed that a high percentage of offenders suffered from autism, aspergers, OCD or another compulsive disorder, depression, or some other mental disability.

I also noticed in older men that a change in their status in life sometimes throws them into doing something stupid like touching a child. Men on the brink of retirement, men who have become disabled, men whose marriage is a little rocky, men who are undergoing a life change, men whose best days performing sexually are behind them, etc. seems to be triggers.

Sometimes a substance abuse problem or alcohol makes it more likely for a man to offend. Anything that lowers a person’s inhibitions and lowers his threshold for common sense can also be a contributing factor.

I have a forensic psychologist friend who mentioned to me that most men who offend have a lowered self-esteem and that these are not “bad” individuals, but damaged souls.

Now of course, this is not an excuse, but a factor. The fact remains that many men who have mental disabilities or are suffering a life crisis DO NOT offend, so you have to wonder why.

A few of the victims’ rights groups get upset with me when I mention possible triggers for men to offend. Since I am the product of a false conviction, they think I am taking sides and saying that these are excuses for their behavior. Trust me, I lived with offenders---including sex offenders for almost a decade in prison---- and I know what they are capable of. I don’t excuse their behavior, but I do attempt to explain their behavior. There is a huge difference.

Many men who offend sexually are not evil human beings. The general public can portray them as some type of monster, but they are not monsters.

They are broken human beings at the time and they desperately need help, but they are not evil people. Many are decent guys who love their family, are decent providers, good husbands, good fathers, etc. I tell this to others and they think I am crazy, but it is true.

I don’t believe that any of the men represented here are monsters.

I dealt with people who have murdered others, men who have stabbed their wives to death, and guys who robbed banks or credit unions while taking hostages. One of my first cell mates was a drug dealer who shot three teens in the back of the head, threw them in the trunk of a car, and set the car on fire. Another cellmate had stabbed his wife and hung her upside down from a tree by her ankles; she bled to death hanging from a tree. These guys were evil human beings driven by violence. They cannot be fixed no matter how much therapy they attend. They grew up in a violent environment, probably watched their dad beat the hell out of here mom and a regular basis, and they have been conditioned to believe that violence is answer to every problem.

The men represented on this board are not even in the same league as the truly evil human beings. It is important that we make a distinction. Pure evil cannot be treated for fixed. Many of the men who offend can be treated.

Yes, there are serial child molesters, but the men represented here do not seem to follow that pattern.

When dealing with these situations, it is important for a wife to keep these things in perspective.

rewdiazepam

Rew - I appreciate you tremendously! Purrs!

I was thinking today about needing to get away. Just to feel somewhat "normal" again.

So much has happened since I last posted.

He was officially charged with online solicitation of a minor. We paid half of the attorney's bill with some of his 401k we cashed out since he was fired. We also paid off some bills to limit what money we will need monthly.

Friday Child protective services pulled each of our boys out of class to interview them. Our youngest attends the school I work at!! It was a nightmare.

I write so many messages and emails daily that sometimes I repeat myself since I cannot remember what I mentioned to which forum or group. So if I have repeated myself, no, REW is not losing his mind. He is just busy.

Kujo and to all the wives, mothers, and GFs of offenders; if you feel at any time that this is beginning to consume you, make an appointment with a physician and ask him or her to prescribe some mild meds to help you get through this period. And you should be seeing a therapist or talking to someone to bring these emotions to the forefront so you can cope.

I have a six year degree in pharmacology and I can tell you that many of the new antidepressants belong to a family of drugs called SSRIs. They are very effective with few side effects. They will help in most cases. And if you are having trouble with anxiety or resting, there are some mild anti-anxiety drugs out there that can help you also. The anti-anxiety drugs will also help you sleep better at night.

Most of these drugs can be bought in generic form, so they are very cheap. For instance, citalopram, which is the generic name for one popular SSRI, named Celexa can be bought on Wal Marts $4 RX plan. For four dollars you can a thirty days supply or a 90 days supply for $10.

I am not trying to make pill heads out of any of you folks, but I have been through this myself and gone through it with others and I can tell you that these situations place a tremendous amount of stress on the body.

You want to stay healthy physically and mentally.

rewdiazepam

Yay Rew!

Today I am really feeling like I can't do this anymore. I already on cymbalta for depression. I am on 120mg.

I’m sorry that you’re having a bad day. Valentines Day sucks. One minute at a time, one hour at a time, love on your boys and find something fun for you to do. Ice cream, pancakes, cupcakes, eat the cookie dough before you bake the cookies. Just remember to breathe. Hugs

Just a heads up at some point if they have not already DCFS or Department of families and children will step in and remove him from the home for a time until it is determined that he has not harmed your children and will not be a risk to them.
I understand your concern is about your husband but right now you need to worry about your children. They can and will remove them from you if they feel the need. If this happens you will have a hard time getting them back!
I found that Safe Passage offered to be an advocate for myself and my children in the courts. It was a tremendous help. Also they gave me info on VESSA which is similar to FMLA to protect your job when dealing with this, because you are a victim of your husband's behavior. This is for Illinois but there may be one similar for your state.
https://www.illinois.gov/idol/Laws-Rules/EOW/Documents/VESSA_FS.pdf
Also as much as you will hate it you should qualify for state insurance. even food stamps. Think of it as only temporarily to get you over the hump.
You need to do everything you can right now to protect your children!