Hire him a lawyer. Don’t let him talk to the police without one. You shouldn’t either. Don’t make any decisions yet. Wait till the shock is past and then you can start making plans for you and your kids. No matter what your friends and family say, you are the one that has plans to make, not them. They will be harsh, they will not understand, nor will they try to understand. You now live in a place where everyone “knows” what they would do if they were you. They “know” there is no hope for him to change. They “know” he will reoffend. Keep coming here for encouragement. Find a therapist who can help tell your kids and can help you sort through things. God bless.

Forgiven just gave you some excellent and very wise advice. GET A CRIMINAL DEFENSE ATTORNEY with experience in these cases. DO NOT talk to ANYONE from law enforcement, the DAs office, or anyone about the case. You can tell your immediate family, but do not go into details.

Many an offender has talked his way into prison or into a terrible mess by talking about his case to the wrong people. The police are NOT your friends no matter what they try to tell you. They only want more information to hurt your husband’s case. Anything you say to them will never help, and they always seem to find a way to twist the conversation into making the accused look as guilty as possible. They will twist anything you say to them to make your husband look like a monster, which he is not.

One of the first things I tell the wives or GFs of defendants is to PROTECT YOURSELF AND YOUR CHILDREN. Your husband will get through this somehow; he will muddle through. YOU need to make sure you stay healthy both mentally and physically. No, I don’t mean to desert him or anything like that, but right now, YOU and YOUR CHILDREN are more important than anything.

Again, Forgiven gave you some very sound advice.

This charge or any sex charge is not the end of the world unless we allow it to be. I made it through, many of the people I have helped over the years made it through, and these situations, while tragedies, are not life enders. You WILL get through this, trust me. There will be times when you don’t think you can endure this, but you will. Human beings are very resilient and can adapt to almost any situation. BUT, you have to be patient and take one day at a time.

Your husband’s charge is not the worst possible sex offense; I have helped a lot of young men and fathers through such charges. Many of offenders with a simple solicitation charge will be supervised on probation; most offenders with simple solicitation charges with no exchange of nude images are usually given probation. A good defense attorney can also mean the difference between prison and probation.

You said, “He might as well have told me he was dead. That is how devastating the news was.”

I understand. These events just seem to come out of nowhere and they devastate people. Getting hit with this kind of news is almost as shocking as seeing your best friend in perfect health keel over dead.

Most of the people in these situations are law abiding citizens and have had no experience with law enforcement or the criminal justice system. It scares the hell out of them as they are in unchartered waters. You will learn as you go along, and we will be here to help. I am not an attorney but I have had experience supporting others in these types of cases and I was a law clerk in prison. Since my release, I have kept up with criminal law, especially cases involving sex offenses.

I think it is important to not panic and to realize you are not alone. Others are carrying this burden. Take several deep breaths, sit down, and try to think this out.

You said, “As angry, hurt, ashamed, confused as I am, I believe him. He also revealed to me he was forced to give a family member oral when he was 14.”

Many men who offend were also sexually abused as a child. No, that is not an excuse, but it does give one some insight into what was a possible factor to cause him to offend.

I am sure that even your husband cannot exactly explain why he offended, as he does not even know himself. Hopefully, with some therapy later on, he can learn why he offended, but right now, I doubt he even knows himself.

You said, “I love this man. Does that make me horrible? As of right now my decision is to stay.”

No, it absolutely does not make you horrible; it makes you human. Most sex offenders or those accused of a sex offense are not inherently evil people, but rather broken people, who, while in the broken condition, made a very stupid decision to offend. But most of these kinds of offenders are fixable. I am sure he has many qualities to make you love him, just as I am sure he is a decent human being. A wife cannot---nor should she----stop loving a man or immediately move out once he is arrested for a sex offense. People cannot just turn love off and on like that, and you should not try.

These situations polarize families in that a few of the family members will support the wife for staying with the husband, but many of them will turn their backs on the wife b/c they don’t think she should stay. I have news for those folks----This is YOUR life and you know your husband and the situation much better than they do. If they truly cared about the wife, they would be taking her in their arms for comfort instead of pushing her away.

People in these situations are well served to take the crime in perspective. Your husband did NOT rape anyone; he did NOT molest a child. Hell, he did not even touch anyone. So while his crime is serious, it is not exactly the Crime of the Century and it is far down the list as far as sex crimes are concerned. Keep this in mind.

You said, “. I am sorry for the ranting and the incomplete thoughts...right now that is all I have..random and incomplete thoughts. I am in Texas.”

You don’t ever have to apologize for ranting. Just rant here on the board if you need to. You have support here and the folks here care about you.

You said, “. I am in Texas. What do I need to expect in the days, weeks and months ahead? I am learning there are no resources.”

Solicitation charges are not usually picked up by the feds. They are handled by the state criminal justice system, so I imagine the charges will stay in Texas. If he has been arrested, he is probably being detained right now in the local lockup. In a few days, he will be arraigned, which is a court procedure where he will formally have the charges read to him. He will plead not guilty. At this time, bail and an attorney will be discussed. If he cannot afford an attorney, a public defender will be appointed.

BUT if you can scrape up enough money for a private attorney, you will be much better off. Public defenders are often fairly competent attorneys, but their case load is so heavy and they are so overworked that they cannot dedicate the time needed to any one case to do justice.

The support group will be here for you. You can personally message me at any time---night or day--- and I will get back with you within a day. I will help you and your family in any way needed to get you through this, and I am sure the fine ladies here will offer you emotional support.

God bless you, your husband, and your entire family.

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PS Re-read Forgiven’s advice as it was some of the best advice anyone could give.

Your words have given me so much peace. Thank you!! He is home. He was out Sunday night. And thanks to some research, a couple phone calls and years of ID TV. I had a meeting scheduled with an attorney even before he was released. Luckily he was smart enough to keep his mouth shut to law enforcement.

I am so glad to hear that. This too shall pass and do what God tells you. You will know it by your heart. God Bless You and your boys!

Good luck in the e days/week’s/months ahead. Sounds like you have the right idea and you have been smart about the legal battle ahead.

He was fired from his job yesterday. He had been there 8 years...our benefits, our main source of income is gone. I work as a teachers assistant (My title is a para professional) anyway now that I will have to add our family to me, it will probably take all of my check.

His friend in HR said to file for unemployment asap so he could try to push it through so we can still get SOMETHING.

My struggle is this...almost everything he has to do is online... today is my first day back at work and I am still a wreck. I have hidden all electronics and my oldest son is home with the flu. While I don't think he would try to get online I still need that verification.

He can go to the Employee Benefits Office (unemployment) to use the Internet. They have a block on inappropriate sights. The public library does, too.
Regarding your insurance - it might be less expensive to find a private insurance and set exactly the coverage you need. Many of the parapros in my district do that. I also recommend setting up a HSA. That will not hurt as much tax-wise. I have found finances to be the hardest part of all of this. Blessings!

I still am so numb. A man I have loved for 20 years... today is one of my "I don't think I can do this..."

Kujo79, I feel your pain and I'm praying for you. You will get through this. It's normal for you to have times of doubt, also to have times when you're ready to go to war for this man you've loved for 20 years. It's a roller coaster ride but eventually the ride stops and you will settle into your new "normal" eh atever that may be. I've learned to live not just day by day but sometimes minute by minute. The loss of his income plus health insurance is just one more thing to deal with. Have him look into other jobs, my bf found one welding that helped pay the bills and since it's in a shop with no interacting with customers or children, they didn't care that he had been arrested. I would also look into getting Medicaid for your boys, with only one income you should qualify and that's cheaper than through your work probably. Income limits vary by state and it's usually free to up to $50 per month. And it covers mental health so you can get your boys into therapy at no cost to you. Also, if your boys have any kind of medical condition, that changes the income limits also. Message me if you need to talk, it helps sometimes just knowing you're not alone in this. Take care, stillloveshim

This has been on my mind and one of my biggest concerns staying. Will I ever feel comfortable being intimate with him?? I have only hugged him twice since all this. And I hate that because we used to be affectionate towards each other.

After everything that happened with my bf, it took several months before we both got back to an easy, affectionate intimacy. He had so much guilt and shame that he had a hard time forgiving himself and opening back up to me. I had a hard time just wondering things like if he was comparing me to her, etc. It's different now though but in some ways better. We both feel more in love and committed to each other in a way we previously weren't that has led to a whole new level of intimacy. We both believe now that if we've made it through this we can make it through anything. I hope this helps - everybody is different so you'll need to find your own way through it. Don't be afraid to find a therapist to talk to, they can really help you sort out your emotions. Try to focus on each day and not on the future. Things have a way of working themselves out and most things we worry about never happen. A wise preacher told me that

I would not be a social worker worth my salt if I did not say this. You are married a pedophile who preys on boys. You are the mother of two boys. Pedophilia is a crime of opportunity. This is exactly why you are feeling like you can't do this.

Do you even know why you are hiding this information from your sons?

Have you had a very frank conversation with them about your husband? Have you asked them the really tough questions like whether or not your husband has touched them inappropriately, accidentally walked in when they were showing or changing and lingered enough to make them feel uncomfortable, or if they have caught him watching sexually inappropriate material on tv or the computer?

Do you honestly believe this is the first time your husband has been with a minor sexually? We both know that is highly unlikely. The trickle of honest information a normal cheater hemorrhages is difficult for betrayed spouses to deal with because it's just deceit heaped on deceit. It is probable that pedophiles withhold much more information than a normal cheater.

I want you to really think about what you are doing right now. You say you are in love with a bisexual man who abuses underage boys and you are electing to allow that individual to live in the home with two boys who are in his target range and gender for perping on. You will need to really pay attention and make sure your boys are aware of how to be safe. Pedophilia is a psychological disorder in addition to being fairly serious crime. Have you thought about what kind of treatment he will require when he is released? Were you planning on insisting he get any treatment? The recidivism rate for men who prey on males has been standing firm at about 35% for years. (perpetrators of different types of sex crimes exhibit varying rates of repeat offending. The 15-year recidivism rate is 13 percent for incest perpetrators, 24 percent for rapists, and 35 percent for child molesters of boy victims.) 24% of men who offend again underage individuals were victimized themselves. It can be extremely damaging and have long term effects that only later realized, like now.

Characteristic of Pedophiles
https://www.thoughtco.com/profile-of-pedophile-and-common-characteristics-973203

Grooming Behavoirs
http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/01639625.2016.1197656

No one can make this difficult decision for you. I am not trying to be harsh but I do want you to think carefully and what you're doing and talk with a counselor about how to proceed in order to have the best possible outcome. If convicted, your husband will also be a child sexual offender, so he'll be required to register on the offender's list. That will limit the kind of work he can do and in some communities they pay close attention that list and will make you feel unwelcome. As long as he is in the home, every new place you move, you will have to worry about some busybody figuring he's there and making sure your boys and everyone else knows. There really is no running from this particular type of crime. Complete honestly is the way forward.

I can give you an answer for most of your questions. I have a note book/journal because I have talked with multiple people who work in some aspect of working with sex offender. At first I was a little pissed but I know last Saturday morning I would have some pretty strong thoughts on this topic too... STILL DO but emotions have been added. Thank you for the reality kick.

I went through the same situation this summer except my husband solicited a 15 year old female. I got the lawyer just like you. It’s going to be really rough emotionally for the next few months. I am thankful we have no children. He needs to see a psychiatrist and I know you just lost your insurance, but the root of the problem needs to be figured out. Go to marriage counseling. I see he lost his job so maybe he should go get his CDL. It’s only a few months for it. He will probably go to court a few times before the sentencing, but follow what the lawyer says. The lawyer will probably ask for him to do a psychosexual testing before the judge will before the presentence investigation. If the psychosexual is good and he has not been in any trouble before then it will be in his favor. My husband got house arrest instead of jail so he could go to work. It has costs $30,000 so far. It will be in the papers every time he goes to court and that was the hardest part for me. I stayed and there are still days I wonder if this is all worth it. He was honest about all of it to me, but still the wondering gets to me. I was at work and couldn’t get ahold of him and his phone was off. I drove hoke on my break and his car wasn’t there then he called me from jail and he had drove almost 3 hours. He will probably have to register as a SO as well. In the state I’m in where he was charged with the crime and convicted of it then he didn’t have to register, but he works in a different state so he was required to register in that state because the person was younger than 16. My husband got probation for 3 years. I am here if you need to talk or have any questions. The intimacy part took time for me and I am still not as intimate.

In my experience helping families over the years, one thing I have noticed is that sometimes a wife is so fixated on her emotions and on her loved one that she begins to slowly lose her own identity.

As I always say, protect yourself. The husband or BF will find a way to get through this. He is more or less isolated from many of the emotions you may experience. For example, many wives struggle with bills or money and many have children to take care of. Inmates do not have to worry about such things.

Inmates have very few responsibilities in prison. The prison usually has its own laundry where you take your clothes to be washed. The prison plans, cooks, and cleans up after the meals. If an inmate is ill, the medical department is there for him. The inmate does not have to worry about paying bills since he is dead broke and he has no bills to pay----rent is free, there is no car payment, and he does not have to pay the heating bills in the winter and the a/c bill in the summer. Kids?? He does not have to worry about getting little Johnny or Suzy to school or instilling values in them since he is in prison and they are out here.

Guess what? All these things are left up to the wife who has to deal with the collateral consequences of the conviction on a daily basis.

In short, an inmate just has to attend a few programs and mind his own business. Much of the time there is nothing to do but sit around. The wife or GF have far more responsibilities and a rougher time out here than the inmate, her husband or BF.

The wives carry most of the burden when they have a husband in prison. All kinds of thoughts go through their minds and they deal with this mess on a 24/7 basis. In other words, the wives suffer. In my work over the years, I have been amazed at how strong most of the wives and mothers are and I have a great deal of admiration for the courage they display on a daily basis in dealing with having a man in prison.

The human mind or body was not equipped to withstand these stressors or negative emotions on a 24/7 for a long period of time. Living this day in and day out creates an enormous amount of stress on a wife or mother. Undo stress uncontrolled leads to clinical depression, which can lead to a mental meltdown. At some point, this situation can begin to consume a person’s life.

For this reason, wives and mothers, it is important to get away every once in a while and take the load off your mind. Allow your body to rest and heal from all this chaos. None of you are immortal and none of you have the powers of Wonderwoman, so acknowledge that and pamper yourself once in a while. God only knows you need it and deserve it.

Go get your hair fixed or your nails done. Find a romantic movie to watch. Go shopping with a friend. Do whatever it takes to give your mind and body a rest from all these negative emotions. Pamper yourself. Why? Because YOU are important in this also. You COUNT and your life has meaning.

Do not fall into the trap where you begin to lose your identity.

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