Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group
Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...
My sister has been an addict, to me anyways, for the last three years. She was doing crack before then, but I came to notice it three years ago.
Through the lying, and the stealing, and the trafficking, and the dealing I hoped, I prayed that she would get nabbed. Occasionally she did, and she always got a smack on the wrist and a stern 'don't do that again'.
I thought jail would do her good. Maybe scare her enough to go straight. But it seemed she just wouldn't get busted by a cop having a bad day,
And then she did. She got busted with enough crack cocaine to be charged with possesion, and intent to sell. But her court date kept getting held over again, and again, and again.
A year after getting caught, she has successfully completed almost 2 months clean and sober. She is starting to resemble the big sister I used to know. We have never had a real relationship...but one is finally starting to grow.
And on Tuesday, she has that court date. It's not being put off anymore. They want to send her to prison for 2 years, but she can get out in 8 months on good behaviour.
All my hoping and praying she would get caught, and have to pay the price for her actions, and now it's happening, and I don't want her to go.
Does that even make sense?
She has hurt me, and my family so many times, so badly, that I should, by all means, want her to rot away in some jail somewhere. But I don't want her to go anywhere!
Now I'm confused! I was the first one to cut ties when her drug abuse came to light. I was the first one to use tough love, the first one to stop enabling her. I kicked her out of my house on Thanksgiving for crying out loud becuase she was stoned...and her I am, feeling like I'm the first one to want her to stay.
When can my emotions regarding my sister just settle down? I'm tired of the roller coaster! She came to my house, to say goodbye for now, to my infant daughter, and I almost cried.
Who am I? That's not me. Or is that the secret me?
Through the lying, and the stealing, and the trafficking, and the dealing I hoped, I prayed that she would get nabbed. Occasionally she did, and she always got a smack on the wrist and a stern 'don't do that again'.
I thought jail would do her good. Maybe scare her enough to go straight. But it seemed she just wouldn't get busted by a cop having a bad day,
And then she did. She got busted with enough crack cocaine to be charged with possesion, and intent to sell. But her court date kept getting held over again, and again, and again.
A year after getting caught, she has successfully completed almost 2 months clean and sober. She is starting to resemble the big sister I used to know. We have never had a real relationship...but one is finally starting to grow.
And on Tuesday, she has that court date. It's not being put off anymore. They want to send her to prison for 2 years, but she can get out in 8 months on good behaviour.
All my hoping and praying she would get caught, and have to pay the price for her actions, and now it's happening, and I don't want her to go.
Does that even make sense?
She has hurt me, and my family so many times, so badly, that I should, by all means, want her to rot away in some jail somewhere. But I don't want her to go anywhere!
Now I'm confused! I was the first one to cut ties when her drug abuse came to light. I was the first one to use tough love, the first one to stop enabling her. I kicked her out of my house on Thanksgiving for crying out loud becuase she was stoned...and her I am, feeling like I'm the first one to want her to stay.
When can my emotions regarding my sister just settle down? I'm tired of the roller coaster! She came to my house, to say goodbye for now, to my infant daughter, and I almost cried.
Who am I? That's not me. Or is that the secret me?
As to her daughter, she is crying out for help in what is actually not so bad a way. She did not harm herself or anyone else, she did not just go out and start finding ways to medicate this pain. And really, it is not just that her mother went to prison that is the problem...it is years of all of it. And I think sometimes it is not until the source of our pain is removed that we can really talk about, and for kids it is so mixed up, she may not have wanted to be disloyal to her mother by saying she couldn't take it anymore. The way that kids process things is hard to get.
If you can, be diligent about her care. Make sure that she is getting good help and not just being medicated. If you can, be involved and be supportive. I know people who did this kind of thing when they were young because they couldn't think of another way out and another way to stop the pain and it was a tool for survival.
Your family has had so much chaos and so much pain. I hope that you all can find some help and some peace.
I really feel like one of the saddest aspects of addiction is the damage done to the children that are caught in the middle of all the chaos. The thing that always concerns me the most is kids growing up with parents who are unable to model healthy coping skills for them (or, especially with addicted mothers, unable to model healthy relationships). How do these children have a CHANCE of growing up happy and healthy?? Then again, I know that there are children of addicts who do not end up abusing substances themselves... but I have to wonder what OTHER unhealthy coping mechanisms they latch onto- sex, work, gambling, etc. I don't know, between the unhealthy, dysfunctional household and genetics, I feel like some kids are just doomed to end up like their parents. I have just seen it SOOOO many times. Really frustrating- how do we help these kids? My dad got clean when I was 8 years old... and I SWORE I would never be like him... and i learned so much about recovery from him. Yet I still ended up an addict. Why???
Jolene, as far as your specific situation goes, I hope your family is able to help maintain a connection between mother and daughter. Encouraging letter-writing, driving her to visit (if mom and daughter are both comfortable with that- visiting someone in jail can be tough), etc. Who does your niece live with? And does you sister have other children as well? I was just thinking that support from siblings going through the same thing could be helpful. In a way, I think what happened with your niece is a good thing... she reached out for help in the only way she could. So now it's all out, everyone knows how much she is struggling and can react accordingly. When I was a teenager I acted out in the same kinds of ways to get attention- I mean, to get people to pay attention to how much I was hurting. I threatened to hurt myself, started cutting myself, etc. I think those are pretty common ways for teens to try to cope and to try to show others how they are feeling. I cut myself for most of my teen years, and then the behavior just sort of faded away as I moved into adulthood. So yeah, I'm glad your niece is getting the help she needs- but like Nikki said, some psychiatrists would rather just medicate a problem away than work on the underlying issues. Someone should just be vigilant to make sure that is not the case with whoever is treating her. It's crazy- we send messages like that to our kids- "depressed, anxious, can't concentrate? here's a pill to cure it all!" And we wonder why so many kids end up trying to medicate their feelings away as adults!
Anyway, I will keep you and your family in my prayers.
~Jennifer
Her oldest and youngest were both taken in by their father's when they were taken from my sister. Cassandra's father is an alcoholic who beat my sister, he makes and breaks promises to Cassandra daily. he wasn't a good home.
First, she went to me. I was 22, she was 12. we did it for a year. I took courses on hoarding, restraint without harm....i am one class away from being a legal foster parent. i am a kinship parent. after a year though, i was pregnant, and her anger issues were getting too much. i couldn't restrain her with a child in my belly...and sometimes, she needed to be held down. its not her she would try and hurt.
after that year she went to something called the 'green house'. its just a giant house that foster kids stay in, they have to be out of the house from 8am until 5pm but nobody cares if its school they go to or not.
after that she went to live with her uncle for a bit....he is like her father, and they removed her from there too.
then she went to live with my mother, her grandmother, and my mum became her permanant guardian. but my mum is 53, and she cant handle Cassandras rages any better then I could. Also, I trained for it, she didn't.
So while her siblings have started lives with their fathers, she has been bounced around from home to home, feeling like nobody loves her. i bawled my eyes out when she left us. i was stressed to the max, but i didn't want to do that to her. she often tells people that the only time she has been happy in the last 5 years was living with me, even though she didn't show it.
Cassandra is shaping up to be just like her mom. no matter what we do. she has started smoking pot, and drinking....shes only 13! more then once she has called me to ask if she can crash at my place because she was 'partying'. i dont want to enable her, but i cant say no.
as for my sister, she got all of our mailing addresses so we could write letters and send photos. we arent sure which jail she is going too yet so we arent sure if visiting is probable or not. honestly, i dont know if i want to go see her in prison........