I took a mOment before respounding to your post, I did not what to react out if anger, In fact I had a surge of sympathy for you. I value everyone's opinion,because I have the quality of being non-judgemental,,, let me take a few moments and give you a few facts, before you continue to judge me,,,,,,
First off,,, my addict is not 15,16or even 18,,, she will be turning 24,, this addiction has been active for awhile,, this is not the first relaspse, nor will it be the last, not quit sure the support you had ,, I've never turned my back on my addict, in fact i'v held her in my arms, carried her on my back,and stood by her side,,,
I have learned through educating , excepting any tool, and opening my mind and soul to this disease,,, I can not control my addict,,, however I can control my surroundings to Beable to support my addict,, we together has a family (7 of us) sat down and wrote boundaries has to what is expected , so there is no misunderstandings,,, the first boundary was "Please do not use in our home" she agreed, understood, and excepted that if she choice to use, she then choice to leave, get help, and most certainly Beable to come back home,,,,, unfortunately with her being an adult,,, I can not take her by the hand to rehap , nor can I sit on her, or attach myself to her, because I could be arrested, for harassing,,, it no longer is a parent disciplineing a child ,,
I'm pretty sure this site is a support group for family and friends if addicts, and the so called sympathy I receive from this group,, is why I'm here,,, and why I attend other support groups. ,

I'm glad you are clean and inspiration for many if us, who are dealing with a adult child who is an addict ,,, but in the future please do not falsely accuse me if things you are unaware of that goes on in my home ,, also keep in mind even though every addict goes through the same dark, ugly,,, addiction,,,, not every addict has the same support system

God bless you on continuing with your recovery,,,

Shendelzare, Kim did what was right. her daughter is no long a child and has been given several chances and rehabs. Living with an active addict is extremely hard. You are always on guard worrying about the addict, their moods, your belongings. Yes belongings when you work, save scrimp for years you do not want to see then things go missing.
Its not all about the addict, sure its hard for them to quit, but eventually you have to save yourself. Would you like for us to have all the addicts committed, or would it be best that we live day in and day our with the anxiety and so eventually we are so sick we no longer can think, our every moment is filled with the addict. I was that person, spent 32 yrs with two different addicts, eventually they continued in their addictions and I could barely walk because of the pain I was in. Pain attacks the weakest part of the body plus my mind was so dysfunctional I was ignoring everyone else around me except for the addict. It is sad that an addict decides to go back to using heroin, but at the same time we have to take care of ourselves.

Cardinal39, I support you in your difficult time & in the tough decisions that we are forced to make as responsible adults. It angers me when we as family, adults, & contributing members of society are expected to feel guilty based on the actions of the very addicts we spend so much of our energy trying to save. You set clear boundaries. Those boundaries were violated. As a result there was a consequence. As family, the best thing we can do for our addicted family member is be true to our word. I just wish it wouldn't be so hard...

It boils down to this: Addiction is a disease of selfishness. As family we have to sit back and continuiously support those who choose to relapse. It is a choice!!! No one is holding a gun to an addicts head and forcing them to use. Addicts have the support of sponsors, therapists, family, & friends. Yet we are left on our own to pick up the pieces. Enough is Enough!

Cardinal 39, YOU are an inspiration to us who are trying to hold other adults accountable for their actions whether they are an addict or not. Sticking to your principles and hoping for the best is the hardest thing we can do to protect ourselves and help our loved ones! Kudos to you and my prayers for you as well! - Ruby

shendelzare, I resent that fact that you invaded this sight under the veil of trying to offer your side to us who are trying so desperately to come to terms. How dare you judge any of us, how dare you use your foul language and raw rendering of what is right and wrong. We may not know what is in your head, however we are the ones, who are guiding, loving, spending hundreds and thousands of dollars, losing endless nights sleep, to try and help our addicts. You have the audacity to tell us we know nothing about addicition, well sweetheart you know nothing about us. Under your comments you will notice, if you take the time, DO PROMISE TO BE NICE, and if you can't then its time to spread your joy somewhere else. It is hard enough on us all, the last thing we need is someone trying to bring us down further.

Cardinal, please believe that you did the right thing!! there comes a time when we have to protect ourselves and the rest of our families from the emotional roller coaster caused by our addicts. When our addict is our child it seems to destroy us in everyway possible. as a Mom, my daughter's addiction caused me to reach levels of pain I never thought possible. I also had to make the decision to not allow her to ever affect me like that again, it became too dangerous for me!! The addict never understands how their actions affect those that love them the most. Stay strong, you are in my prayers.

Kim I feel so bad that you were attacked by shendalzare I feel responsible because I reached out to him on heroin addiction and recovery forum to try and understand the other side so that I could help my son NEVER in a million years did I expect him to come on our site and attack anyone I feel like i opened a pandora's box and that was never my intention. i did message him and told him I felt what he did to you was very unfair uncalled for and unnecessary. I am truly sorry! I think that it is important to remember that no one has lived through what you have lived through all our situations are very similar but not identical and what works for one addict may not work for another. You have to do what is right in your own heart and i know the last thing in the world you wanted to do was to have katelin leave. I am so so sorry that while you were going through such turmoil you got an unjust and unprovoked attack like that. Everyone is entitled to their opinion including shendelzare but their is a right way and a wrong way to get your message across again please know i am really sorry that happened and you and Katelin our in my prayers. Love ya Dee

Regardless of the style of the message, maybe we can all focus on the lesson we can learn from someone who's been on the other side of the fence. What made you, shendalzare, turn your life around? Where are you in your recovery? What or who influenced your desire to start your recovery? What worked for you and what didn't? We're all grabbing at straws here, and if I, for one, can learn even one little thing about how to help my son help himself in his recovery, I will take it. Anger is an integral part of all of our condition, the addicts' as well as their family's. When someone hits a nerve connected to it, it rises like a fire dragon. We're all in this together; we're all trying to heal here. There's been enough tearing down in our lives.

I know nothing in the world makes us feel worse than having to ask them to leave. I am so sorry you had to go through that again, I KNOW how agonizing it must have been. My son has only been home for not quite two weeks and I have had my relapse radar on the entire time. I am trying to not search him for signs of relapse every minute that I am with him but its so hard. Hard because I know if he starts again I will have to make him leave and thats the hardest thing in the world to do!! NO parent WANTS to throw their sick kid out! It is done for survival for the rest of the family and it hurts like HELL! Hugs to you and I'm sorry that other person had to be so harsh, it was so uncalled for.

I noticed shendalzare is only 21 and he has a lot to learn about life and being a parent of a child or adult child that does drugs. It sounds more like his reaction was personal. At 21 he has turned his life around or has he? At such a young age he cannot be sure of what tomorrow brings. As we all know from living with our addicts they turned their life around or so we thought several times. Between age 30 -43 my ex turned his life around or so I thought several times. At 21 he has a good chance of not going back to using drugs but it could go the other way also. Only time will tell. Now give me a older person who has made real positive changes in their life and quit drugs for several years and I will want to know the why's, what's and how's.
Not condemning you shendalzare pointing out the hard cold facts.

Cardinal....you made the right decision and don't let anyone tell you different. Everyone sets the boundaries that work for them. Shendalzare obviously doesn't know what the families of addicts go through, so pay him no attention. I will pray for you and your family. HUGS

This conversation brings to mind part of one of my favorite prayers, attributed to St. Francis of Assisi:
O Divine Master,
grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console;
to be understood, as to understand..."

ok so let me just start off by apologizing to all "productive citizens" whoses sensibilities i offended i did go a little off the rails last night probably cuz im off my meds
that said the idea of these "setting down principals" and "she broke a rule made her choice" that happened with me too my parents had me put in rehab forcefully when i got out there was a umm "stands system" theres red stands yellow stands and green stands. that are written down when ur still committed and you sign the page with the stands on them on agreeing to abide by them. if you dont sign the page they what did they used to say oh yes "give you two weeks to think about it" every time you refuse they give you 2 weeks to think about it until you agree
if you break a red stand its 3 months rehab yellow is 2 weeks and green is 3 days.
using the drug, stealing, doing aything illegal was red
slippery people and places, smoking and rude behaviour were yellow
my girlfriend who never used drugs ever was labeled "slippery" so i cant see her cant talk to her cant be friends on facebook with her
obviously i didnt follow what can i say i was young in love and stupid so when i got caught which was i think 8 times that year i would spend 2 weeks in rehab. there was the constant fights about money (i was given none at all) and going out (i wasnt allowed going out unsupervised). so a year later i wisened up cut off with my girl went back into business (white collar crime) for money started saving up so i could get out
file for emancipation that didnt work out too well, emancipation was denied cuz my family is strong n well connected and the rehab proved i was a "mentally disturbed teenager" acting out so i made a run for it got a full ride scholarship to a uni abroad and tried leaving the country without the parents knowing they caught me at the airport there was a team of guys from the rehab and my beloved mother may she rot in hell for eternity so obviously i ran and got chased down the streets until they caught me dragged me away. I didnt go to college cuz they said i should take a year off itll do my mental health good , I turned 18 in the rehab things got a little better after that the parents sent me to uni for electrical engineering i studied a year then changed major they stopped paying tuition when they found out the logic according to the rehab and them was "he wants the best of both worlds he wants to continue using drugs and go to uni and get by at the same time so hes switching into something easy and worthless" I was changing cuz of the girl. yep same one and again what can i say i was young stupid and in love. so the parents made a deal with me go to rehab for 3 months get clean and you can study what ever the fuck you want. this is getting long and sounding like a sob story il fast forward deal was if i relapse or do anything remotely criminal no more tuition and theyll kick me out. I stayed clean about 11 months then i went on a bender a really bad one so they kicked me out. it was december i had on thermals jeans a shirt and a sweater
i begged and pleaded and cried and swore never to do it again but they threw me out without any of belongings. I was high as a kite and had one cell phone that only made calls to 10 numbers. I spent that night on campus in a friends room. next day mom cancelled my enrollment got what she could refunded and me banned from campus. A month later I was completely hooked on H none of my friends wanted to have anything to do with me I slept on benches and footpaths, shared needles, stabbed people, got stabbed, beaten and harassed by police, lost my girl (i couldnt ask her to wait for me again so i broke up with her), went back into crime giving SATs, GREs, GMATs writing academic papers for people, personal statements, fake IDs when all that wasnt enough i started peddling and trafficking.
I agree with katrinka iv only been clean since jan and the way things are going il be getting high soon so i doubt much can be learnt from me.
@bean town
it was the girl she made me turn my life around (what can I say im young stupid and in love) she moved on got over me graduated and is going out with someone hes a really nice guy handsome unscared body and face degree in economics proper job you get my drift.
im in a pretty bad place right now, i cut myself really bad after my comments on this thread last night after a very long time of no cutting.
her birthdays coming and i wanna buy her a white gold pendant necklace and i dont have the money for it (its shockingly hard to make an honest living in this economy when you dont have a degree)
then theres this festival coming its a particularly tricky date for me iv always gotten high on it for the last 7 years. so i really really wanna get high and i wanna do a drug run (trafficking)so i can buy the pendant.
I attend NA meetings daily, my sponsors an awesome guy in his 60s hardcore criminal served time clean 35 years married to his highschool sweetheart (what drew me to him). He reached out to me after my first meeting got me through the withdrawals helped me get a job, co-signed a lease for a really cheap shitty apartment
and loaned me rent and expense money for a month, made me gave away all my ill gotten money to charity. (you cant use dirty money to live a clean life, the dirty money takes away gods blessings from you)
Iv applied to concordia for journalism lets see how that works out

as for what works i wrote a really long detailed post based on my experience: http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Families_and_Friends_Of_Addicts/forum/14791661-guide-dealing

in a nutshell addiction recovery boils down to 2 things love for the girl and a solid mentor. in my opinion everything in life comes down to one thing her in the end shes all that matters

TO SHENDELZARE:

I appreciate your honesty shend...Most of us here are on the other side of the coin. I can relate to you and your parents at the same time. I think you are punishing yourself too hard for your posts by cutting yourself, and we would all like you to stop.

I know you are working on many issues, but cutting is one more way of letting pain out without feeling feelings. Not the best choice for you.

I think we would all like to see you go back on your meds, stop cutting and continue working on your sobriety and your health.
After you are here a while longer, you will see that we do call each other out if we think that the other is wrong....BUT you should know that sometimes you only get what you pay for here...FREE advice.
We are only a bunch of people hanging together on the internet.
SO, know that we are concerned about you, and want only the best for you.

I am sending this as a message to you as well...so you don't miss getting it.

Working the steps with your sponsor will really help you get over some of the anger and resentments you have, which are only hurting yourself. Your sponsor sounds great. My son's sponsor is my Yoda. Keep working and don't give up. You are worth it.

Shendelzare I absolutely agree with Blue. We are all on here to help each other and we would all like to help you as well in any way that we possibly could. We all have something to learn from each other. Dee