Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group
Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...
Once again, I find myself grieving over the child I used to have...who is this man he's become?
Our 29-year-old addict entered rehab last summer - after doing some jail time for drug-related charges. He flourished in the program but left early due to a back injury. Now I feel that we are back where we were at this time last year.
He's been living in our house - for free - since early November. He has made no attempt to get a job...keeps using his back pain as an excuse. He sleeps until noon. His g'friend was out of town last week and he used her car...don't know where he went or what he did, but he was gone pretty much every day, all day. He "borrowed" $40 from me. His g'friend left him $60 to buy part to repair her car but he didn't do it. My husband gave him another $40 Saturday. Where's the money? What did he do with it?
His behavior is exactly like it was before rehab...mood swings, manipulating, up one minute, angry & belligerent the next.
His doctor put him on Tramadol back in January. After reading about it, I'm wondering...is this what's causing his apparent relapse? Doesn't he see what's happening? Is he using again? Is he just a con-man?
We are telling him today he has until April 1 to get out of our house. I DREAD the confrontation ahead. My stomach is in knots, but I just can't do this any longer.
Someone, please help me.
Our 29-year-old addict entered rehab last summer - after doing some jail time for drug-related charges. He flourished in the program but left early due to a back injury. Now I feel that we are back where we were at this time last year.
He's been living in our house - for free - since early November. He has made no attempt to get a job...keeps using his back pain as an excuse. He sleeps until noon. His g'friend was out of town last week and he used her car...don't know where he went or what he did, but he was gone pretty much every day, all day. He "borrowed" $40 from me. His g'friend left him $60 to buy part to repair her car but he didn't do it. My husband gave him another $40 Saturday. Where's the money? What did he do with it?
His behavior is exactly like it was before rehab...mood swings, manipulating, up one minute, angry & belligerent the next.
His doctor put him on Tramadol back in January. After reading about it, I'm wondering...is this what's causing his apparent relapse? Doesn't he see what's happening? Is he using again? Is he just a con-man?
We are telling him today he has until April 1 to get out of our house. I DREAD the confrontation ahead. My stomach is in knots, but I just can't do this any longer.
Someone, please help me.
My husband's 3 sons are all drug addicts. Only one has remained clean for 2 years now and is doing well. You certainly are NOT alone.
My heart goes out to you...BIG HUGS
The hardest lesson I had to learn was how to stop enabling him. He lived at home, didn't have a job, would manipulate to get $$$$.
I had enough. I'd come home from a 12 hour shift and the house was a mess, he was sleeping, dishes in the sink.
I tossed him out of the house for the 3rd time, told him this was it and never looked back.
I'm not saying it's easy, it's the hardest thing ever, but we all have to learn to love the person, not the addict, and stop enabling them. I didn't even give him a deadline. He came home, I had his stuff packed and told him to leave. I even had to stop answering his 'pleading calls'.
I pray for strength for you and your hubby. Saying no isn't easy, but it is now a necessity for both you AND your husband.
Do not feel sorry for yourself either, instead, take CARE of you and your hubby. Don't let THEM tear you apart. I always thought 'my son comes 1st'. BUT what I didn't realize was me and my HUSBAND come 1st. Our son is an ADULT. I lost sight of that and was looking for 'someone to blame'. There wasn't anyone to 'blame'. Our son did this to himself.
I pray for peace for you. Please take care of YOU. *Hugs*
We had a sit-down talk with him last Thursday and have given him until April 19th {1 month} to get out. Since that time, he never comes upstairs from his room in the basement...not even to eat or drink. He's totally avoiding us.
I'm so grieved and so angry....I sway between sobbing and being so angry I want to throw something.
I'm very grateful for all your prayers, wisdom, and encouragement. I so need it right now.
Still holding my breath. After 12 years of life with an adult addict, I've grown so conditioned to the let-downs and heart-breaks that I expect it. He continues with his men's Step-Study Bible study, Celebrate Recovery, and he's active with his church. He was also just asked to become part of the worship team.
I pray he truly is remaining clean, but I can't help but be VERY cautiously optimistic.
bad news travels fast, so if he goes back to using...you will know it soon enough.
it is a process...they say it takes as long to get out of the woods as it did to walk in there...so it will take a while....
everyday without a crisis is a good one. breathe.
I feel your pain is all I can say....and I'm watching your story to see how it unfolds. I only wish happiness for your family :(
We can't figure out if he really believes it's no bid deal, if he knows it is a big deal and is trying to play it down, or if he thinks we're bluffing with the April 19th deadline. I posted the date on the wall of his room as a constant reminder, but we don't see much action.
We'll see.
He's been much more helpful around the house and he's even been doing more physical tasks in spite of having 5 herniated discs in his back. He claims the new medication the dr. put him on {Lyrica} has helped tremendously with the pain. He feels back surgery is inevitable, but plans on living with the pain as long as he can hold out. He spend a couple of days last week building a new livestock fence for us.
I still fall back on suspicion, though. His fiance is buying a house and settlement is set for the end of June. I can't help but wonder if he's planning, in his mind, just to move in with her and start mooching off her. Does he plan on finding a temporary place to "crash" for free for a couple of months until June? He still hasn't gotten a job. Claims he's been looking {online} but I don't know if that's true or not.
I have a great deal of suspicion and mistrust. From the time he was 18 until age 28, he was an addict and therefore also a user, manipulator, etc. I don't know if he's licked drinking and drugging but is still a manipulator or if he's just slow to get things pulled together.
All I know is that he's 29 years old and he needs to get out of our house and out on his own once and for all. Our other son {age 26} is also using but doesn't live with us. Lately he's been asking if we have any odd jobs he can do to earn extra money because he's "gonna end up homeless" because he can't pay his bills. He is NOT coming back home.
What's a mother to do?
I'm going to be homeless Mom..but don't worry - manipulation and it WORKS on me.
And you are being so strong with your oldest..and his little efforts would melt my heart...its so hard to be a MOM of addicted..troubled children...thoughts and prayers for you.
Younger son getting ready to be evicted but we are NOT offering help nor are we offering to allow him to come home. At 26, it's time for him to grow up and get his life together. Enabling our older son for too long taught us many valuable lessons. Never again.
On a personal note, all of this is happening as I'm entering menopause. I feel lousy and I really wish I could just crawl in a hole for a year or so!
Say what you mean, and mean what you say,,, empty threats,, is exactly that,,, keep conversation to 10 words, everything after that, is either repeated, or words are taken out of context and used against us,,the difference between enabling and helping, is,,,, helping is supporting the recovery, enabling is,, feeding the addiction, and like anything you needs food,, as long as you keep spoon feeding it stays alive,, just because one is not using, that does not make them clean,, it takes years to earn that, with working some kind of program,, they must be held accountable,, there is no reason everyone needs to make the addict comfortable,, they need to find their own balance,
The greatest gift we can give our chikdren is the ability to soar, well if we continue to constantly hold a net,, oh cause they know,, mom will fix it,, addiction is a disease of the mind body and soul, they have the choice to get help,,,, if only loving them was enough,,,
Be good to you,,, put yourself first,,
You set that date,,,, stick to it!!, yes it will be hard,, but if you continue to nurse they will never be on solid foods
Peace!