Cardinal39, I just read your post. Your words couldn't have come at a better time. The deadline we set - April 19th - came and went. Although our addict son has been extra-helpful around the house, still no job & no arrangements to find another place to live.

I had an errand to run yesterday and when I pulled into our driveway I found my husband & son screaming at one another at the top of their lungs. The damn burst. I was stunned at the hateful names our son was calling his Dad {things like "you're an F'ing douche bag"}. Although my husband was equally as angry as our son - for good reason - he never stooped so low as to throw name-calling into the mix. Our son maintains that he's "trying" to find a job. He's been on 1 interview in the 30 days we gave him to find a job and move out.

I feel as though, even though the drugs & alcohol are no longer a part of his life, and even though spiritually he's on the right path, the rest of his life is not following suit. He seems to know what he needs to do but he's not doing it.

We told him yesterday during the screaming match to pack his things & go. Then he told us that if we wanted him to go, we'd have to get a court order and give him 30 days notice!!! I was incredulous! Obviously, we are NOT going to do that.

I ended up calling his g'friend to come get him. She couldn't and didn't have anywhere to take him anyway, but she was kind enough to contact a close {clean} friend of his from church and he came and picked him up. I spent the evening bagging up his belongings for him to retrieve at a later date.

How many times can a heart break before it stops beating altogether???

You said something in your comment..."addiction is a disease of the mind body and soul"... I think I'm finally beginning to understand that. Foolishly, naively, I thought that once he got clean, everything else would fall into place.

He accuses us of "living in the past" and not trusting him. We've both told him on numerous occasions that trust isn't instantly restored...it takes time. I've also told him repeatedly that the only way we've ever known him as an adult is as an addict...and a liar, a user, and a manipulator - for 10 long years.

I just don't know what to think anymore. I don't even know how to pray anymore. The hurting and the heartbreak just keeps getting worse. You'd think my skin would toughen up but it just gets more and more tender.

Tramadol is a slippery slope. My husband is a pill addict, was clean for a couple of years and then started on Tramadol. It was the start of his down slide.

It is all about his behavior. If you are seeing the bad behavior, trust your instincts.

It's been 10 days since the "falling out" and our son leaving. Although we haven't heard from him, we did see him briefly once. We were cordial but that was it. He's still staying with his friend from church as far as we know.

Although I hate the way he ended up leaving, I'm very glad he's gone. I'm so grateful to have the house to ourselves once again and grateful that a lot of stress left with our son. My husband and I have finally been able to getting back to enjoying our time together.

Our son is in God's Hands. We will not be enabling any longer, in any way. I pray that he will remain clean and that he will soon get the rest of his life back in order.

As a dear friend once said, "This sure isn't the way I had my life planned."

Wow! So very proud of you! You did it. You said that he is clean, but is he? My daughter is constantly telling me she's not doing drugs, but it's not the truth. It is such a very hard thing to do, but you and your husband did the right thing!

I suppose there's truly no way of knowing for sure if our son is or isn't clean, especially now that he's out of our home. Remaining sober is entirely up to him. We have washed our hands of our adult children once and for all. We fully realize how we've stunted their growth & maturity by "helping" for too many years. We, like other parents, truly thought we were helping. Now we know better. We see the evidence. Enough is enough. We must move on with our own lives.

Sometimes, I get downright angry about the whole dang situation. Doggone it...we DID our jobs as parents. We never smoked, drank, or did drugs; we were uber-responsible people...we paid our bills on time, obeyed the law, etc.; we raised our children in a Christ-centered home; we took them to church and on missions trips; they helped the elderly & visited nursing homes; we set a good example. They were good, decent people until they left home and went out on their own. At that point, they totally embraced the world and all it's evil offerings. Even if we did all the "right" things, they still chose their own path.

I always go back to the story of the Prodigal Son. His father did NOT go after him, nor did he rescue him, but rather allowed him to come to the end of himself. The father waited for the son to return rather than going out and fetching him home. We intend to do the same. If our sons decide to return to right-living, we will be here waiting to embrace them with open arms. Until then, they will have to suffer the consequences of whatever actions they choose.

As my husband and I sat out on the porch yesterday afternoon, we both remarked how much more relaxed we feel and how much more peaceful our home is now that our son is gone. It's a shame it has to be this way, but this is the reality of it.

Your most recent post gives me hope that some sense of peace is attainable. I am where you were right now. Unfortunately our deadline came with the same dreadful confrontation. we took my 36 year old brother in after his 3rd trip to rehab. His recovery lasted a mere 1 month. We told him zero tolerance and meant it and told him to leave. We were greeted with the most vile and evil yells and threats. I still can't believe those things came from him along with the scariest glares and rage screamings.
He too told me he had no intention of leaving until I had a court order conviction. I was shocked!!! Then the calmer I tried to talk to him the more he raged. Then he actually threatened my life. I had no choice but to call the polive on this stranger that I love but no longer recognize.
it has been 3 days now and I am still horribly sad over the situation but we are already feeling the release of the unending stress and conflict.

Thank you for sharing your experience and your strength. It has helped me find a bit of peace.

So sorry you are going through this. And wow your response in 20 is exactly how I feel. Hang in there trust God and remember he is the author of peace. Satan creates confusion and mess. Hugs and prayers your way.

Maybe there will always be this nagging, underlying sadness at the "loss" of our Prodigal children. But our nest is once and for all empty and we are the better for it...less stressed, more relaxed, more positive about our own futures.

I'll always hate how things have turned out. I know that only God can salvage our kids. It's entirely in His Hands.

In the meantime, we're learning to live our own lives.

It's been over a month since we told our addict he had to leave. We are now estranged from him. It's the most heartbreaking ordeal - a constant state of grieving. We did everything we could possibly do to help him but he rebuked us, told us off, and left. No appreciation, no apology, nothing. Just ugly words and hurt feelings.

How does one move forward and find joy in life when the children she poured herself into have turned away?

I am so so sorry for what has happened. They just cannot see what they do to us and they seem to so easily forget all that we have done for them. I know so well how hard it is but maybe you need to think about yourself now? I pray that you find some peace and happiness for yourself. we need to let them take their own journey but at the same time get one with our own lives. Today I heard about a colleague at work who died very suddenly at 55, it made me think about my and my husband s life. we are that age and spend our lives worrying about our addict. maybe its time for us? I hope that knowing that others think of you brings you some comfort.

I am sorry. But, in time, you will heal a bit...
we always grieve for what could have been...should have been...
sometimes peace is all we can ask for.
I pray one day your addict will be sober and come to realize all that you have tried to do, and gone through on this terrible journey.

I feel in the same place as you. My husband had found a place of balance, not perfect, but We could be a family again. He was given a script for cklonopin, it's only five days later and things are awful again. ( he is currently sleeping while eating pretzels ???????
I am back in detached mode. Too much pollen today for a walk, but I am in my private space and when I finish sharing here will do my reading and meditating. Only the Holy Spirit can help him. ( me too.
My heart and prayers to you and your family.

Finally, after 2 months, our recovering addict stopped by and made amends with his Dad after their falling-out. He apologized for his horrible behavior, said he didn't mean the nasty things he said in anger, and sealed the deal with a hug and a sincere, "I love you"!

Needless to say, my heart healed in that moment. I'm so, so grateful he finally set things right...it means the world to us both!

He has a new job - a very good job - that offers him full benefits {the first time in his working-life he's had benefits of any kind!}. He and his girlfriend/unofficial fiance are moving into a house together {which she is buying}. Not happy about them living together before marriage, but they're both adults. He's still clean and still attending church so I'm hopeful.

It has been the best thing in the world for all of us to be out of each other's way...that we're not under the same roof any longer. He needed to be independent, we needed our empty-nest to be empty again.

*sigh of relief*

This is wonderful news....God Bless you and your son and his girl :)

Mom of a stranger you're post just made my day !! I am so happy to hear your son came back and made amends to you and his dad. I have been on the awful end of those hurtful words by my own son during his ordeal with addiction and at times my soul was crushed from the evil venom that he would say mostly to me because I took the greater stance against his drug use . Of course my husband was on the same page as me but I was the one who dealt with more of it for many reasons so I got the anger directed more at me. I would try to look at it as the point of view of the priest in the exorcist because that's what it reminded me of . And quite frankly I was honored to play that part. My son is doing great now he has been in recovery since January 22 2014 the night he got arrested. I thank God every single day that my son got arrested because he HATED jail more than he liked drugs ! Our lives are still far from perfect (isn't everyone's?) but my days are mostly peaceful and more importantly sane again. If I would have known that jail would have been the deterrent he needed I certainly would have called the police myself . Everyone is different and everyone has to reach their limit as to what will make them stop . I'm glad your son is turning it around and I pray that he continues to do so . God bless ! Dee