Families & Friends Of Addicts Support Group
Addiction affects more than just the individual. This community is dedicated to the families and friends of individuals suffering from any form of addiction. Mental health professionals are increasingly considering alcoholism and addiction as diseases that flourish in and are enabled by family systems. Family members react to the addicted person with particular behavioral...
My 28-year-old alcoholic son, who lives in the shelter system and changes shelters every week (he cannot seem to stay in one place, and flees in-patient rehab after a couple of weeks - the only thing he can bring himself to do is go to AA meetings...) called my husband and I a couple of days ago. I answered the phone, and when I had the audacity to ask him why he keeps running from one place to another, he proceeded to run down a list of the cruelest statements I have ever heard (about me.) He said that I was a "neurotic person" who had "caused his alcoholism" and who made him what he is today. He said that all my friends had abandoned me (not true) because of how impossible it was to be around me. He said that I should "look in the mirror and see who I am - the type of person I am". He said that all of his friends, including the people at his church, feel I am a "monster of a mother" for allowing my son to live in a homeless shelter. (My husband and I decided to not continue paying his rent on his apartment or have him live with us because we knew this would give him the "safety net" he needed to keep drinking - Mommy and Daddy being there to enable him. My husband also goes to AlAnon meetings, and many parents there told him that their adult kids only sobered-up after they shut the door and threw them out.)
He also feels that I hate him, and said he would respect me more if I just admitted it.
I feel that it is excruciating to just be alive right now, knowing that my son believes these things about me, and that he can be so very cruel. I also feel that I am internalizing what he said, and feel that I may have contributed to his alcoholism, and I know that this is lethal for me (to believe this.)
I believe that he is projecting onto me what he believes about himself - and that he despises himself, so accuses me of hating him. All of the things he said about me - I believe he thinks is true of himself. But it doesn't help to know this - because I am sad that he believes these things about himself, and also that he says such cruel things to me. We used to have such a good relationship.
I feel I need some support from you guys, if you would be kind enough to send in anything that would be helpful for me to hear right now.
Thank you,
Janet
He also feels that I hate him, and said he would respect me more if I just admitted it.
I feel that it is excruciating to just be alive right now, knowing that my son believes these things about me, and that he can be so very cruel. I also feel that I am internalizing what he said, and feel that I may have contributed to his alcoholism, and I know that this is lethal for me (to believe this.)
I believe that he is projecting onto me what he believes about himself - and that he despises himself, so accuses me of hating him. All of the things he said about me - I believe he thinks is true of himself. But it doesn't help to know this - because I am sad that he believes these things about himself, and also that he says such cruel things to me. We used to have such a good relationship.
I feel I need some support from you guys, if you would be kind enough to send in anything that would be helpful for me to hear right now.
Thank you,
Janet
Calling an addict an addict is fine, as long as it is done without malice or in retaliation. Name calling is never proper when it is done because someone calls us a name--first. Sounds sort of like the proverbial playground to me and I think it's time we should just all grow up! Someone calls me a name, I just walk away.
When I was in prison, an inmate got in my face and called me a name. Of course, the circle was formed and everyone expected a good fight. I turned my back and began walking away. Everyone was silent except for the guy calling me names who said, "What? You scared to fight?" I walked back to him and said, "What took more courage, walking away giving you my back to beat if you wanted, or to stand here and go toe to toe?" I walked away again, this time the other inmates parted like the Red Sea when the Israelites led by Moses.
The "sticks and stones" stuff is not true. Names do hurt, so we should refrain from doing so, even if it is true.
are you ok roy?
I HAVE been staying away - PERIOD (as you put it.) Have you been reading my posts??? I have been writing about the process of separating from my son (a process started a couple of years ago...) - and how it has been painful for me. My thread started because I had one, isolated, painful experience of listening to him on the phone, insulting me. I did tell him that I was going to hang up and not listen anymore. I feel I AM setting boundaries. I do NOT feel "weak" (as you descrbed me - "the weakness of the mother") - but have to make myself be strong to do this, and I know I have been succeeding.
I feel as if you are setting me up as a kind of "effegy" (sp?) or scapegoat, representing people who are close to addicts who cannot stop enabling them. I happened to come along on this forum at a time when you were burnt-out, and so all your frustration has been spewing-out on me. The irony in this is that I HAVE BEEN DOING what you suggest - cutting myself off from my son.
However, I cannot claim that it is a fun and gratifying process. It is agonizing. If you can't understand why it is agonizing to cut your son out of your life, even if he is an addict, perhaps it is time for you to leave this forum.
I know that you try to help people here - but I think that there is some other stuff going on, that only you can figure out, which explains the other behaviors.
Thank you for trying to help,
Janet
and thank you, jmj, for your defense of my situation, and your support -
Janet
Take your own advice, and take care of yourself! I wish you God's restoration, as only He can provide.
Janet
Yep, easier said that done. Like I said, just a suggestion.
I think sometimes a parent or spouse has to go through a period of extreme detachment, with or without love as the motive, before he or she can begin thinking about how best to show love. I feel, at this point, that showing love, or making the expression of love a priority, has been a dismal failure with my son - if anything, it seems (although this seems crazy) to have made things worse. I think when he senses love from us, he hates himself more, because he feels he is not worthy of it - and so that is when he lashes out at us the most.
At this point, the state I am in regarding my son is that I have the "primitive" mother-son love which any parent has for their child - but I am not actively feeling the emotion of love for him. I was raised in an abusive household, and it is very difficult to feel love for one's abuser.
Occasionally, the "real" person who is my son, underneath the alcoholic, will show through, and then I will feel love for him - I know that sounds conditional, but that is where I am right now. I actually feel like moving away from the area where he lives (which is my area, also) because I want to be free of him. But I also know that fleeing is not the answer. (Although sometimes it seems like the only way I am going to completely detach, which at this point is what I feel I need to do, is to move away from him, as he is not going anywhere -)
I still want to know that he is alive and not lying in the street somewhere - but that is about all the knowledge I can handle these days -
Janet
I think that is an incredibly healthy attitude. I think that you have a handle, although you may not like it, on what you are doing and need to do.
My suggestion is more for people who are still a the place of feeling that they are unable to deny love for their child. And again, the important thing that each person find the way they need to keep themselves safe.
All my best to you. You are doing a great job.
nikki