THANK YOU! I wish so much for more "lightness" in my life. Thanks for your supportive words and your sense of certainty that things will get better -

Blessings, Janet

Hey Janet,

Sometimes the things we have to post to share info are less than fun to read, and are less than anywhere near fun to be living through. But some of us have, and all us will.

I used to think that time was against me, that each day was just something to get through. I have learned differently. It really does get better. You have shown good insight and such a clear thought, you just need a little help and support to start lifting some of that weight off of you. You will be fine.

Nikki:

Thank you for your compassion and support, and for the positive things you wrote about me. They mean so much to me.

Everyone's responses here have been so moving to me - the depth of caring that is shown. Thank you!

Janet

while it is my sister that is the addict (not my son) I completely feel for you. My sister once told me "you dont know what its like" well damn right I dont know what its like BECAUSE...I chose not to do it. So, it thought that I could feel bad about that but instead I was empowered..why should I ever feel bad for choosing not to do it (drugs etc). They love you when you agree with them but when you dont its a whole different ball game. I think hes hurting and wants you to hurt as well...try to tell yourself that you know who your real son is and hes not like that..

Yes, my son has often told me that "I don't know what it's like", and I feel the same way that you do - although it has been established that alcoholism is a disease, there are still opportunities to make choices when you are an alcoholic - and if he doesn't make good choices which allow him to recover, then I really find it very difficult to be around him...

I don't think I know who my "real son" is anymore - and this is the core of my anguish about this - it almost seems as if the kind, gentle little boy and young teenager has been replaced by this "bizarro", cruel version of my son - and I don't know if those good qualities are still there, buried under the surface, and will re-emerge one day - or if he will be "stuck" in this selfish, narcissistic persona. Wondering about this, on top of the constant worry about whether he is physically safe, is causing my life to be a nightmare lately - today was a particularly bad day - I do seem to be distancing more from him, though, but to have this as a goal (distancing from my own son) feels very, very sad to me...

Thank you so much for your support -

Janet

Distancing yourself is a rather sad goal. Doing something to help your son and yourself, which is the reason for the goal, is a very good thing.

Your son as you see and experience him right now is an addict. You are feeling the rath and rage of the addict, and the addiction. While very often the person who emerges on the path of recovery is not exactly who we remember, they have the wonderful qualties that loving themselves, honesty, and living in peace will bring.

Do not confuse you son with the addict. It is the body and the voice, but you are distancing from the addict, and when your son is ready to choose to be well, it will have been worth it.

I am so sorry you are in this pain.

Thank you, Nikki -

Your message helped me to put things in perspective - and I am feeling more hopeful that my son will emerge from his "addiction cocoon" and maybe will have developed even more good qualities in the process -

I am really going to try to hold an image of my son in my mind as the person I know him to be, underneath the addiction. This will be a tricky balance, as the addiction is so "out there", and is like a roaring lion. It's also "tricky" because I don't want to deny the addiction, which is very real.

You sound like a very compassionate and wise person. Thank you again...

Janet

Wow you really have alot of replies for this one! Probably because everyone has gone through the evil name calling and finger pointing that happens with an addict. I have distanced myself from this person that was in my life and you are definately doing the right thing. I also think you are exactly right that you remind him of what he is doing wrong. It hurts to know that your doing the wrong thing and making poor decisions so he would like you to feel bad too.

Hello,

Thanks for your supportive words.

Yes, I agree - it seems a lot of people here can relate to the abusive behavior of the addicts/alcoholics in their lives.

I think the core of the pain I am feeling is that I have raised a son, now 28 years old (so NOT a kid) - who possibly is trying to hurt me because he is aware that he is hurting himself, and as a result is in emotional pain. I grew up with an older sister who was not an addict, but lashed-out at me with the same venomous abuse (and she was also physically abusive - violent towards me, on a daily basis) - so it has been occurring to me that my son's behavior is bringing-up so much pain regarding her abusive behavior, and how at this point, as a middle-aged woman, I have a son who is treating me in a similar manner. A very familiar feeling is emerging very strongly - a belief system that "Janet is not loved". Because how can you love someone and choose to lash out at them and hurt them, repeatedly? I can't seem to take in that my son's alcoholism causes this unloving behavior - maybe because I know alcoholics who were not abusive while they were drinking (they are in recovery now.) Also, my sister was never into any kind of substance addiction, but she still was abusive towards me, so her lack of love for me is rearing its head, and I am feeling like the walking wounded, taking in this realization that my son and my sister probably never really loved me.

As you can see, my reply to "Nikki" and the resolve I made to myself to try to think differently is fading already! This is so difficult, especially since the addict in one's life and their behavior brings up so many layers of pain, from the past and the present.

Janet

Janet you have to write down things like Nicki said and post it where you will see it. Someplace like the bathroom mirror you see it in the morning but not so frequently that it is no longer noticed.
If you do this and read eventually it becomes second nature.
Instead of blaming the addict you learn to love the person, hate the addict and grow yourself.
Its hard but practice using positive statements.
Instead of asking him why he keeps running from one place to another, say I know its hard going from place to place.
Don't take his reflecting his own self feelings personnal, learn to detach.

Janet...

It is great that you are connecting things, looking for ways to address and peel away layers of pain...it doesn't feel like it now, but this is what will make you freer and happier.

I do not know what caused your sister's behavior, I have a real gem of a sister myself and I cannot believe that we come from the same family, and maybe you are most comfortable at this time with the thought that she didn't/doesn't love you, although she probably did not love herself first, but I have to really tell you to please stop thinking/considering your son did not or does not love you. That is not in the equation.

That is the same as blaming yourself, as though you did not do the right things to be a good and loved mother. Stop it. Why would your son not love you? Of course he did, of course he does. You deserve love and you have a son who is an addict and it hurts you, but it has nothing to do with whether he does or does not love you. You cannot mix these two up.

If you stop and think about it, is there anything that your sister's behavior might have caused in the way you see yourself, the way you do things, that may have emotionally suggested to the world that you feel that you do not deserve to be treated well, that you do not deserve loove, that you do not have to be treated with respect? This is the wonderful but painful art of working a program, walking a path. It hurts so much, and yet, it helps us to look for truths that might otherwise stay buried.

Now, think about how much this hurts. Whatever it is that ails your son, this is what he started out to medicate. Then he kept going. Now add to that all the things he has done since this has been happening. That is the weight he is carrying. It is not that he does not love, Janet, he is just unable to deal with things yet. He doesn't get it that the path he fears the most, the one we think of as reasonable and he sees as ridicuouls, is the one that will set him free. Rock bottom is when you choose the one thing you have been running from, the thing that you think is the absolutely most painful and useless choice.

Do not blame or beat yourself up for any of this. You could not understand or control what was in, or the actions of your sister, and you cannot do the same with your son. You cannot know how they perceive things. You can only deal with and get better from what you have felt.

Take care.

Dear Katrinka,

What you write makes perfect sense - but I think those of us who already have damaged self-esteem, for whatever reason, are going to have a rougher road ahead when it comes to internalizing what is good in themselves as a mother or a spouse, especially when their kid or spouse is spewing-out insults about what a bad person you are. So although I am not giving up on this process of detaching from my son and not personalizing what he tells me, it still is EXTREMELY difficult to not have it wound me, at least at this point.

However, I have observed in myself that I have made some progress in distancing - as I wrote elsewhere, this is a good thing, but is also sad - to have to distance from your own flesh and blood in order to remain sane -especially when you once had such a good relationship, as we did.

Believe me, I long to detach and distance from him - even though it makes me sad, life would be so much easier. I think I am moving closer to letting go.

I don't know if making positive statements, like, "I know it's hard moving from place to place" would work with my kid, because he is moving so much because he refuses to stay with any one program! So he has this entitlement thing going, where he has the right to start working with his counselor and beginning a program, but then run off on them right after they get started. So I don't really feel like expressing sympathy or empathy (especially when I don't feel it) for actions of his that seem incredibly selfish.

I find it easier to just not speak to him at all. I go for long periods of time not speaking to him (the phone conversation which I wrote about at the beginning of this thread was the first I have had with him in a long time...) and this seems to work out better for both of us. But again - very sad.

Thank you,

Janet

Dear Nikki,

Thank you for taking the time to write this message. I really appreciate it, more than you know.

You sound just like my oldest and best friend, whom I have known since I was six years old - so she knows both myself and my family of origin very well - she tells me the same truths about not focusing on believing that I am unloved. I know you are both right.

As far as insights from my sister's behavior towards me - I think my entire family of origin may have contributed to the way I present myself to the world - and so people did see me as someone not worthy of respect or love. I feel that, as a child, I presented as vulnerable and sensitive, and I would think this would evoke compassion - but unfortunately, I think it more often evoked disrespect. I had thought that I had stopped giving this impression to the world, but perhaps I have not.

I would guess that a lot of family members or friends of alcoholics who are having a more difficult time than others not internalizing the horrific things said to them by the alcoholic or addict in their lives have had severely dysfunctional families, and have been treated early on, from childhood, with disrespect. So it is very hard for those of us from this type of background to have the ego strength to not internalize the insults.

As they say (the therapeutic platitude that has become a cliche, but is so true...) "At least I am aware". (lol) It is my responsibility now to take that awareness and work with it, rather than focus on what is wrong with me, simply because my son or my sister tells me something is wrong with me.

Thanks for the reminder, which is so important -

Janet

Janet

As I began to realy see how and why I was vunerable, and begin to really see how many things in the way I lived, the choices I made, the way I reacted, etc, came from that place, I got a little angyr. I felt like people had been finding that ahd using it. Of course, Iwas a little angry at myself for not getting about myslef what others seemed to find so easily.

Your lst post is full of decisions you are considerinf for the good of yourself...that is excellent. The only thing you can change in all of this is yourself, congratulations on having the strnegth to do so.

It gets better, I promise.

Thanks so much, Nikki -

Janet