I sent my first son a short message "How's your week going?" and haven't heard a word in days, even though when he was here for Thanksgiving, he was on his phone about 75% of the time. It hurts my heart. Why is this so bloody hard??? :(

I was trying to have conversations with both my sons today. One I sent a msg to 3 days ago with no response. He msged me he is cancelling on Thursday night and coming up tonight, the one night I have to work. I typed 4 more things at him, but no response. My other son msged me straight back the first time, but then no response to the two msgs I sent back. He will reply, he is a good son. He is at work. But oldest is horrible at it.

Isn't it awful that I feel some relief to know that I am not alone. I'm afraid this is a sign of our times with our children although I feel like my son communicates better with others than he does with me or my husband. But these kids are used to the phones and don't seem to realize that some of their behavior with them -- not responding to texts -- is just plain rude. But I guess if they are treated the same way by their peers they don't see anything wrong with it. But it is sad. I pray for all of us that some day they will realize what ramifications their behavior has. It may not come until they are parents themselves.

I totally understand your frustration. It seems to be a "sons" thing. I msg my son and he totally ignores my msgs. It really hurts. If I push him for a response he gets angry and nasty. I don't know what to do. When he texts me I jump through his hoops and feel so bad afterwards. I was the stay at home mom that was there for him and now he will respond to his father who never paid much attention to him. I feel like the more I give the less I get and wonder why I try so hard...I feel your pain...

I can understand all the feelings of all the posts. I have two sons and both are married and focused on their lives with their wives. I guess that is how life is supposed to go. I keep thinking that maybe part of the problem is that our society does not like "mama's boys" and our sons are trying to prove they are not attached to their moms. I know my sons love me but am saddened that our relationships are not close like I would like them to be. I suffer empty nest horribly and have suffered for years. I try to keep busy to stifle the heart ache that goes with having adult sons. It is SO hard.the worst thing I have ever been through in my life. Wish I could stop the emotional pain from taking over my thoughts.

Guys nowadays do this......to everyone.

My son does this; my daughter's 21 and she says some of her guy friends do this. They just don't put as much stock into this as we do...........

Me too. Read my next 'best seller': "The Fire -Your-Parents Twenties, Survival Skills for Those of Us Left Behind". That's what they do to us parents - they FIRE us!

Take my word for it, I spent a ton of money on therapy and years of heartbreak, just to understand that it is a normal development for them. It is BRUTAL for us! And, we do get left behind. On mornings when I wake up in tears because the aloneness is so intense, my life sometimes seems void of anything that used to fill it with happiness - their laughter, their voices, non stop questions. Then one day it was gone, and my voice echoed against the empty rooms, for they had taken their furniture too. What could I say - No? They had been wonderful children who grew up, and left the nest.

There was the day I called my son. I was so mixed up, I pictured him being in high school. When he answered his phone, he chuckled warnly and said in a whisper "Hey mom. I love you. I'm in class now - freshman composition. Mom - uh - do you know this is the fifth time you've called me today? Are you okay? I love you mom."

I put the phone down, and broke down in tears. He was hundreds of miles away at university. We had been so close. All four of us had been close, and I was losing my tether, and was drifting out to sea.

That was 16 years ago. I finally adjusted to this new way of life. It is hard, and as you said it is the worst time of my life. I'm still adjusting. Some mornings after waking up from dreams about all of them, I cry. I remember when life was just about perfect, and I had it so good. My heart goes out to you. I am there with you. It's good to have company.

My Mom went to the hospital on Saturday. Her speech was garbled and slurred. She went downhill and was intubated and sedated. I am happy to announce that she is doing so much better. An MRI showed that she has had many tiny strokes (probably over the last month). She's been having terrible headaches but refused to see a doctor. My kids (2 of whom don't live at home) have been amazing. I am grateful. Hugs to all.

Sadiee

Sorry to hear about your mom but glad she is doing better...my mom had a mini stroke as well many years ago and she is doing very well and is now 94 and still doing great so there is a lot of hope that she will continue to do well!

Very good to hear that your sons were so receptive in responding to her health crisis that is great and I am sure makes you feel so much better that they are connecting....

My mom is coming for a visit this Christmas travelling alone at 94 by plane and when I told my son he was really excited and said that is wonderful news. So I know their hearts are in the right place but that they are just at a very strange age(that I am sure we all were but forget because we were so self absorbed!)

I have been not contacting my son as often as I had been reading that having lower expectations of people is better(although I am struggling with this concept and not sure I totally agree with it. Because I believe that if I give my all to someone I should get back respect and at least acknowledgement.) But I am pretty sure that I am suffocating him and have been for a long time and think he needs me to step back and let him breathe. When he was in his early teens he told me I needed to get a life. At that time he was my whole life. He was my one and only and I was a stay at home mom. I tried having other children but couldn't and it hurt to hear that. Last night I did contact him casually and he did respond and we had a great text. It did end with me telling him good night and that I loved him not expecting anything back (trying to accept that outlook) and he responded that he loved me too. I told him thank you and that it meant so much to hear it. I then slept like a baby. Something I have been struggling with as I stress over him graduating this spring and possibly leaving the country for work as he said his is considering. I think this has been growth for me. I am conscious of my "loving too much" over the years and have been struggling to change. But I am committed to doing what ever I can to change our relationship. I have been giving what I thought was what he needed all his life but I am starting to think I have been over doing it and that I am smothering him. I didn't realize until he left home and seems to be happier when away. Although maybe I am taking it too personally and maybe you guys are too...as my friend of 3 daughters who was also a stay at home mom is experiencing the same in that her daughters are much happier to stay away and are living very independent lives. It is hard to determine what part of wanting to be away is that they don't want to be with you and just wanting to be on their own and it is not personal....the not responding to texts or contact could just be being caught up with their own busy lives and not trying to be disrespectful. I think sometimes we have too much time to reflect on their behavior. The more we push the more they pull away. At least I know with my son he is very strong willed and growing up the more I have tried to push him in one direction the further he resisted! Not sure what came first the chicken or the egg...although he had a strong will from day one! But my reaction to his strong will probably is not the right approach. I guess for me I always thought it was a "stage" that he would grow out of. That clearly is not going to happen and that was a real awakening. So know I have to realize that it must come from me and I need to adapt to his personality traits and although I don't appreciate disrespect or being ignored I think I realize that it may be that he is doing this in response to my overbearing behavior. If I change my behavior maybe he will change his. That is the only thing I can control at this point and so I will try and see if this is the answer. I have nothing to lose...

My oldest son sent me his new phone number a week ago and I was so excited, thinking "We'll have contact!" I replied and heard nothing....finally I expressed my frustrations to my daughter and she contacted him (via Facebook) and said "Call Mom". He borrowed a friend's phone and called me saying "Is something wrong?!" I explained that it's terrible to think you are communicating but to have no idea and no reply. He said "I have a new number, but I need a phone. I can't get any texts right now." That's all I needed to know. :( I've been feeling very alone lately. Thanks for your reply.

p.s. Yes, at this point, I think we need to control what we can control and try to not let the other stuff make us crazy. Hugs to all.

I get the not wanting to look at his face (from original post). Just this week I took down all my pictures of my kids - and I have dozens! - that were in my house. I go back and forth on just boxing up all the photo albums and pictures; as is, I can't look at family movies as I usually do at Xmas because it is too sad. Kids don't understand how much they hurt us by shutting us out. It doesn't matter if you were a stay at home mom or a working mom, in my opinion, as I have been both: we still gave them the best years of our life and when they leave, our sons' absence affects us greatly. Let us be kind to each other during the holidays.

Quick update. My son has a phone and I can communicate with him. My Mom is home from the hospital. Turns out she probably didn't have a stroke, but that her atrial fibrillation caused the brain to kind of freak out. She got a pacemaker last week. I felt rough on the weekend. I had a lovely quick lunch with all 3 of my kids and finally saw my 2 sons' apartment that they are sharing. I think that made it hit home that they are NOT living at home anymore. I talked to them about "How will you feel one day when I sell the house?" I don't want to, ever, but it takes every penny I make to keep it running. :( Hugs to all. Deep breath!!

Hello to all the Moms + Dads on this site for Empty nest

Very first post, so I am not sure I am replying correctly, but I felt so sad and yet so angry reading some of the posts on Empty nest....especially about sons, I had to respond.

That is why I joined.

I guess my question might be::: Do some folks actually think that the mothers of sons.... love their sons less than mothers who they love their daughters?

Or that the mothers and fathers of sons should not need to check on or be concerned about how their sons are doing, because their sons are considered 'men' after age 18.

This faulty logic is challenged by many contemporary changes that place women in situations and occupations that were previously restricted to only 'men'. The big divide has been crossed in many areas of our culture...occupations of risk, military duties etc.....except any changes as to how men as sons are viewed.... even Hollywood sneers at sons having loving and concerned parents. "Failure to Launch " "Monster in Law"

Whether a son is functioning as an independent, career focused individual...or traveling in pursuit of an adventure or if he is now married.

Should mothers of sons just abandon their thoughts, concerns and interest in their son's life.... now that he is past 20?

The short answer to your question is: definitely not!!