Amen to what tobywinn says. Please do not feel like you need to disclose any of your plans to your spouse. This is now about divorce and planning for your own future.

I want to add: The irony of a spouse who has "checked out" is that they don't want you to know it. The sneaky little devils want to have an advantage over YOU by keeping you on the marital string until he gets his ducks in the row. Solidifying their access to money to support their new life without YOU become their primary concern.

You'll need to re-learn how to discern your emotional health and what construes being the recipient of loving behavior as oppose of your wishing/hoping.

Arathkamp22, the first thing I want to say to you is....CONGRATULATIONS on your degree! It was a few years ago, I know, but I want to remind you that it was YOU who accomplished this incredible goal. Your ex did not do it. I've no idea what his education or career is, but my guess is that he wasn't incredibly encouraging while you were moving heaven and earth to achieve your dream.

I can tell that you are one strong willed determined lady! I also 'see' someone who takes commitment very seriously....hmmm, taking commitment seriously, where else do you think you applied this aspect of your personality?! Yep. When you cast your mind back, you likely see that there was something not quite right with your stbx. He wasn't a caring human being to not be keeping an eye and ear out for your dad on your special day. You were mad at him but you accepted the behaviour because, likely, it wasn't the first time you'd seen it, right?

Honey, you are way way way WAY better off withouth this guy. It that sense of commitment, that we all tie in with our 'love' emotion, that is holding you back and keeping you in pain. But believe me, believe all of us, this will fade.

You're already a strong woman, you already know that you can acheive success on your own. Now you need to know, to tell yourself, that you will succeed in the future truly on your own. Sure he was there beside you in the past, he used to say he loved you, you counted on him for certain things you knew you could, you enjoyed the feeling of being protected within a marriage. These are aspects of marriage that we all enjoyed at some level. But was it good? Really, truly good? You felt loved ALWAYS, respected, taken care of, safe....all the awesome feelings that a good partner brings to the table on a REGULAR basis. Not once in awhile.

You're going to be okay sister. Hang in there and do the work, read some books, join a support group (in person not just this one!) and let time heal you. Because it will. And you will be better for it. Also as someone else already said, get a lawyer and get your economics ducks in a row as soon as yesterday!!!! It's super important.

Good luck and welcome to our group - we are here for you! ()

Welcome to you. Hope you find as much healing and wisdom from the good people here as I have. I worked on our marriage for a decade before realizing that I was the only one doing the work. He was indulging his addictions and getting sicker by the minute. One person can't make a marriage. It's sad, it's too bad, but the blessing in it is you and I have done everything we can to make it work. Although it didn't we can hold up our heads, and move forward with our dignity and self worth intact. You may not feel it yet, but that will be very precious to you in the not so far future.
Blessings, strength and healing.

One of the most important days in my adult life,, Graduating with a BS cap and gown with a 4.0 GPA that I promised my dad so long ago.. None of my older siblings fulfilled his dream.. That's all he wanted.. to see one child graduate cap and gown with a BS degree no matter the GPA.. I was that chance, and my spouse knew it... My own spouse would not ensure that my dad was there.. would not answer the phone despite my pleas. My dad was not there that day because of one person. The one who was supposed to love me.. the one who made a commitment to love me.. I don't know if it was envy of finishing a degree, or even as simple as my passion for accomplishing goals, no matter short or long term. That is what he said during marriage counseling, that he admired me passion and aggression to accomplish goals.. yet, it perhaps was my downfall in the marriage. I do not regret anything I have done. He does not love ME.. he loves an idea.. or as other's have stated.. maybe there is someone on the side (which would explain a lot!). I am beginning to realize my self worth.. That I can accomplish anything.. ANYTHING! I am bitter, yes.. but I sincerely hope I made the right choice by moving out. I hope my life has changed for the better. I may not see it now.. but I have HOPE!

You made the right choice! Any spouse that wouldn't give your Dad his dream is evil. Pure and simple!!!!!

arathkamp22:
You wrote " He told me earlier this week that he did not love me and that he wants a divorce... "

A lot of meaningful comments thus far to which I have little to add, BUT the first thought that came into my head when I read your initial post was (swallow hard) there is most likely another woman involved. In all the research I have done over the years, it is pretty much a sad fact that MEN JUST DON'T LEAVE a long-term marriage unless there is someone "out there" to catch them. Don't bother asking him, just assume that's what's going on and get yourself to an attorney asap to find out what your rights are under the laws of your state.

The now-X lowered the boom on me in early August 2005. It took me 3 months to get to the bottom of his alleged "unhappiness" and when I learned about the other woman, I was livid!

Keep your cards close to the vest. He is no longer privy to your thoughts, feelings or plans. He has indeed "checked out" of the marriage and he is definitely NOT YOUR FRIEND! Do not trust him!

We're all here to support you in any way we can. You will be fine. It's a journey...but there is life on the other side of this.

Big comforting hugs to you from one who lived to tell about it!

My ex would never have asked for a divorce if he
Did not have a sure bet all ready and waiting which
He made sure he did.

Its a big financial decision not Emotional by that point
so they Want to have their ducks all in a row. They are
not your husband or partner Anymore, they are strangers
Who will take what they can.

My ex hates my guts all I did was be a good wife and
partner for thirty years. That was my thanks.

((((( hugs)))))

Miranda,
It took me until I was refinancing the house to see this, even though I was kicked to the curb and left to fend for myself while he is living with the ow.
The difference is this time I am not going along and I am not backing down until my house is in my name. And he gets the big lawyer fee and his annuity and pension, which he just realized and is not happy about! The price you pay.....oh well. He's free right?!

I Wish we were done, it was my
Decision not to force the sale
Of the home / business they go
together on a 1/3 acre. He has
two years to get my name off
And pay the remainder. I refused
To Leave the home until i got a good
portion of my settlement.

I am still fighting mad at him, it
Takes time. I was not in it for the
Financial end. It is what is owed.

Sorry to rant

(((( hugs)))))

Rant away

I had never heard the term "checked out" until the ex said it when he said he was divorcing me. He checked out 7 years before he left me while I, like most here, fought for my marriage. Needless to say, there WAS another woman who came out of the woodwork after an appropriate amount of time (just as my lawyer said she would) and she and the ex were married 4 short months after the divorce was finalized. I found out later that they had been having an affair for 6 years, so, like the others here have said, don't be surprised if that's the case with your stbx as well.

Now it's time to get your "ducks in a row" by finding a great lawyer AND therapist. This divorce journey isn't an easy one and one NOT to try to do alone. I am now 9 years post separation, but will never forget the early phase of it...the worst experience of my life.

Hugs to you!

I hope you can find you way behind the big surprise of having you life upended. Yes, it is another woman. Guarantee it.
Most people who post in this room go through periods of adjustment, and in time many find new lives for themselves and move forward into some balance. Ingredients that enable that are professional involvements , attentive friends and supportive family, deep interests in activities and hobbies. This is salvation, so the more of those categories you have entries in, the better off you will be. Many are able to heal and move forward. Take your time and watch you ass because usually, after they break your heart , next thing on the list is ruining your quality of life if possible. Its a terrible adjustment, so be patient with yourself .

Let's assume for a moment that it is another woman. That certainly would explain his behavior, distance, the silent treatment and his non-reaction to anything. But why not just end it? File already? Every day that passes just makes me angry and frustrated with looking back at the last 20 years. I asked him Friday if he has spoken with a lawyer yet, and no he hasn't.. he said "When I can find time." I am meeting with a lawyer on Wednesday. Half of me wants to just agree on everything and be done with it.. the other half say's take him to the cleaners.. but I don't want my daughter to view me as being vindictive.

How about the idea that your daughter would view you as a responsible adult, taking action on behalf of yourself and her. Vindictive is an attitude. You don't need to be that at all. Educated about the business of divorce yes. This is business and you need to be proactive to take care of yourself and her. Ask for what you want.