My ex filed on me he wanted to
Move on with his new relationship.

I hope you are going to support
Groups or have a good therapist.
Facing things are hard alone and
Support is greatly needed at this
Time.

I still am grieving and detaching
It all takes time to get to the other
Side.

Divorce is all business, My lawyer
was good and watched My back.

((((( hugs )))))

Equal share and division is enforced by laws. Both sexes are equally protected from divorce regulations which generally will prevent either partner from being unreasonable vindictive and will be likely contested. And your legal representative will dissuade you, for some judges will punish you with the DEBTS instead. I wouldn't worry about being vindictive. Most women worry about receiving court ordered money from their ex.

arathkamp22: There is NO REASON for your daughter to be privy to the details of your divorce - other than the fact you are getting one!

I still refer to the time it took to divorce the lying, cheating cowardly X the 18 Months of Hell. Several times, I thought of just folding and accepting his paltry offer of settlement. But each time, upon the good advice of my attorney, I let it sit overnight and by the next morning, I was fully recharged.

Don't shortchange yourself! This was HIS decision and HIS action. You were in the marriage contract FOR LIFE. I consider the big, fat alimony I received as Severance Pay.

arathkamp22..... My ex didn't want the divorce. That's what he said anyway, but that put me in the role of being the bad guy in his eyes. He thought I would stay for the money and he could continue to roam the world and see many women. When he got tired of chasing women he would come back home. That is what he told a paralegal who told me. I had to file for the divorce which put me in a bad place with out daughter.

I filed and managed to stop every dirty stunt he tried to get over on me. I was determined to walk away from this marriage with a larger portion of our assets and I did.

Your stbx may be waiting for you to file. He might want to play the victim like the ex did. I was determined to not be a party to his many lies. I was done and also thought of just walking away from everything. My boss set me down and gave me a stern lecture. I respected her and listened. After 19 long months was divorced. In the end he ran out of mean things to throw at me and many years later he had to sign this farm over to me to stay out of jail.

You have determination to get thru college for your dad. You can also be determined enough to divorce and receive the assets you have earned over 20 years of marriage. I like the term severance pay and that is what we all have earned.

Congratulations on taking the next step to meet with a lawyer. You can't deny what's happening relative to the end of your marriage no matter how much hurt and confusion you are enduring. Marriage is a legal contract and there are countless financial repercussions at play.
Your financial future is at stake here - you must act in your best interests no matter what steps he has taken. Good girl! Stay the course, it'll be a long haul from here, but you are acting and not being a lame duck. Hugs of support

The ending of a marriage is very similar to the dismantling of a company. Since marriage is a legal contract and assets and liabilities have accumulated...the steps are the same. The only thing different between the two is the emotional fallout. As hard as this is...you must keep your emotions out of it. You do not have to take your spouse to the ' cleaners ' to receive your fair share of the assets. Often our ex's feel the assets are all theirs...especially if you were a stay at home mom raising children and they went out to work each day. Its a crazy way to look at it..but they often do.

Research as much as you can about the laws in your state or province. When I went to my lawyer I was very educated in the divorce laws...I did most of the leg work and used my lawyer mainly for advise and for the final divorce draw...he read over the contract that was drawn up by my ex's lawyer...made some changes and it was over. This was my 2nd divorce to the same man so it was a simple division.

Your ex will scream and yell about how your trying to ruin him financially...he may even enlist the children against you. Do not let that deter you...that ploy comes right out of that book cheater all read...its all part of the poor me script. During my divorce I kept saying this mantra to myself...you want out of the marriage...ok...freedom is expensive and I am entitled to my fair share as well as severance pay for the 24 years of service. That helped me keep my emotions in check and not allow myself to be played yet again. Loosing emotionally was bad enough...I could not allow myself to loose financially as well. Hang in there...you've got lots of people here watching your back...go...give that man what he thinks he wants...Big Hugs...Kathy

" How to Stop Domestic Financial Abuse " article on how to prevent, and recover, from this type of dangerous behavior. might be helpful. http://money.usnews.com/.../26/how-to-stop-domestic-financial-abuse

When I say "take him to the cleaners", all I'm suggesting is that I ask for everything that I am legally owed.. nothing more. My fear is yes, I do believe my 16 year old daughter will view that as I am taking away everything she's ever known in her life. My stbx will make accusations, in front of her, that I am trying to financially ruin him. I realize it's business. I need to make her understand that.

My daughter was daddy's little girl and will be until he dies. She tried to stay neutral but would take daddy's calls for help. I didn't involve her in that. Shortly after the divorce she quit calling or answering my calls. For three long years I would leave voice mails. I love you call me when you can. First weekly then less often. When dad was trying to cause me trouble he would call our daughter and she would call me. Daddy will be living in his jeep if he has to pay you. I already had her dad's new address and it wasn't his jeep.

The last time we went to court she called again and I had to tell her to but out. That I wasn't trying to put her father in jail. He was doing that to his self. I had given up hope that she would return my calls when she called me one night. I was out with a friend from Divorce Care and asked if I could call her back. She was calling me to let me know she was pregnant and when the baby was due. She has been back in my life for five years now. Her dad has dropped her from his life. He hasn't even seen his almost 3 year old grandson.

The point to this is to say that sometimes this happens and you can't run scared. Try not to put your daughter in the middle of this and know that your ex will use whatever he can to keep the money. Your daughter will eventually figure this out for herself. Give her that time. I never said anything bad about her father. I didn't tell her how badly her father cheated. I didn't tell her about the bigamy. I still don't mention her father unless she says something. She does not hear from me that he is an alcoholic, a serial cheater, a passive aggressive Narcissist and not a very nice man.

It's time to make sure you take care of yourself. To set boundaries even with your daughter. I didn't take my ex to the cleaners either but I got what I wanted. In my state I could have asked for lifetime alimony but I only took a lot of alimony for a short time and I try to make this farm earn the extra that I need. I'm living on a whole lot less than I had in our marriage but I'm a lot happier with "him again" out of my life.

I hope you are seeing a good therapist. My excellent atty, Divorce Care and the therapist I still see were my support through out my divorce and the tough years after that divorce. If you know the stbx will be a problem you can prepare for that. It is easier if you know in advance than get hit with a exes vindictiveness unexpectedly. You prepare for the worst and hope for the best. You are strong and can get thru this and thrive.

Having been through basically the same thing, my thought is there is one reason for his behavior. He's got himself another woman. Bimbos usually erupt within a few weeks after the official separation.

Everything changes. Every second of every day. We have to learn to adapt to change and use it to learn, not dwell on it.
So hard to do.

I didn't go through all the posts, but my guess is he's got someone else. I don't know if it came out like that in the rest of the posts, but welcome and I'm sorry you are here.

You found a good place here - lots of good advice and support. Everyone here was so helpful to me when I was going through my darkest hour and I know you will find the same comfort.

If your ex checked out, there's nothing you can say or do and even if you did, it would never be the same again anyway. Why do you want to stay with someone who doesn't want to be with you? That's the question we all ask ourselves.

I can tell you that there is life after divorce - PEACE, Independence, strength and lots of friends and love. You might find that you like that life a lot better! I know that I do. Although I miss my dream, that's all it was - it was an illusion never really how things were going.

I wish I could say more now, but I have to take off for work. You will be ok and you will thrive - you are stronger than you think and if you haven't yet, start snooping around. You might find something that will help you in the divorce process.

I'm sorry that you have to go through this major life changing event, and wished there was something magical that one could do to make the pain go away.

It's been awhile since I've been on this site. My former spouse and I were together for a total of 31 years when she made a decision to leave the marriage and enter into a relationship with a local attorney. She left me with the responsibility of raising our 12 yr. old son and two daughters in college.

I don't think there's ever a clear cut reason why people do what they do. I recall struggling the first 3 yrs. trying to understand her decision, however I came to realize that this was not healthy for me, therefore I needed to let go and go on with my life. I wish I could say it was simple, however it was not.

For seven years I volunteered as a Facilitator for Beginning Experience (Divorce Support Program), and soon came to realize that our stories are very similar, with only the names and places being different. I also understood that many individuals go through a planning process and then make that final decision to walk out of a marriage.

Something you'll hear from others, is that to get through this it will take time and the support from others, which is very true. I hope the best for you.




It's been 9 years since she walked out, and I've gone on with my new life and forgave her for leaving. Today I try to focus on "Me", and what I can do to be a good father and a good person.

I wonder why you left your home. Won;t it be that much harder to make a claim for it later if you voluntarily walked out? I know that you probably could;t stand how alone you felt in your home. I know that when my children's dad, left the relief I felt was palpable. I agree with many of the others. Start looking at your combined assets. Make copies of everything and keep them somewhere safe that he cannot access. If he has truly checked out, you can bet that he has already done this. Protect yourself. You only get one try at doing it right. Don't hope that if you are agreeable he will change his mind. Once they are done they are done.

First I wish to say thank you for all of the replies and words of wisdom. They have really grounded my train of thought since I joined this group. Yes, I left my home because I saw what the fighting was doing to our family.. simply tearing it apart and being hurtful. That had to stop. My daughter was a mess and always felt like she was in the middle. I purchased a home only a few blocks from her school. The STBX agreed that me moving out was for the best and even signed a dowry on my house stating he had no financial interest, thus it cannot be taken away from me or even considered as an asset in the divorce. Since I've moved out, my daughter and I have grown together instead of apart, something that would never have happened had I stayed. I have also retained a lawyer. It seems funny, the man who "checked out" years ago and doesn't want to be, or hasn't wanted to be married to me won't even file for divorce after 4 months of being separated, so I am. As one reply says "why would I want to stay or go back to a man that does not love me.".. It took me this long to grasp and accept that, but now I am moving forward with filing. I've stopped asking myself "why".. I left to stop those negative thoughts and focus on being me, being happy.