Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
Well, I did what I shouldn't have done. I looked at my D Facebook to see what my X has been posting. Haven't looked in over a year but I figured...Hey...my D isn't home (she's with X today) so I just wanted to see what he's been up to. So here I sit... crying. Crying because all those fabulous trips with pictures of OW aren't me. Crying because I'm so stupid to think he has any remorse. Crying because I'm not with X and the kids today while he's visiting (not reality). Crying because I feel I have nothing grandiose about my life after divorce.
Saw my therapist this past week and talked about his visit. I thought I was ok. I definitely need the break from the kids but it leaves me so empty. I'm so afraid I'm going to be that X wife who is exactly the same but plucked out of that miserable time and here I am 5 years later...not moved on and my X is just saying "see that's why I left" "what a loser". I don't know why I need to feel this vindication from him. His judgement. It's like I have to DO some phenomenal thing like get my Masters or have this high profile job or be some leader in the community. Like I have to prove something to him.
I feel he just thinks he so better off without me. That I was just a noose. I mean look at him now. And then the comparison of the OW. Reading the comments on their pictures and seeing what people had to say, some my friends and even relatives of mine making comments of "what a nice couple" "you two look so happy". Seriously.
Just feeling very hurt and scared and worthless... maybe I just need a good cry and pity party. I wish someone would just put him in his place or at least knock him down a notch. I mean I happy that he has become so successful and has a great job (that supports me) but I always feel inferior and not good enough...all emotions I put on myself.
I'm going to go shopping to return things today and meeting a girlfriend for dinner. So I have plans.
Why did he do this? Doesn't he miss us being a family? Is she all that? Was your life so horrible? Was I that horrible you just had to chew your leg off to get away? Does he even know how much pain and hurt he's cause? Why do I even care what he thinks? Argh.... all the questions come flooding back. It's like our marriage didn't even exist!! How do you forgive someone who treats you like this? He has NEVER wavered back n forth like so many others here where he was indecisive about divorce. Why? Why? Why?
I know I'll never get the answers or the truth. It's been 4 years since divorce day and that 1/2 year of separation (him dating OW). I can't continue like this. I've made great strides moving forward with my life. I moved 1000 miles away from my home and family. I have created a great life here. I don't have a social life nor many friends because of it, but I have my two kids here with me. They're amazing and I have the best life with them. I actually am glad that X isn't a part of our lives. I was doing so well.
Why then do I feel so incomplete and inferior? oh the questions.
Saw my therapist this past week and talked about his visit. I thought I was ok. I definitely need the break from the kids but it leaves me so empty. I'm so afraid I'm going to be that X wife who is exactly the same but plucked out of that miserable time and here I am 5 years later...not moved on and my X is just saying "see that's why I left" "what a loser". I don't know why I need to feel this vindication from him. His judgement. It's like I have to DO some phenomenal thing like get my Masters or have this high profile job or be some leader in the community. Like I have to prove something to him.
I feel he just thinks he so better off without me. That I was just a noose. I mean look at him now. And then the comparison of the OW. Reading the comments on their pictures and seeing what people had to say, some my friends and even relatives of mine making comments of "what a nice couple" "you two look so happy". Seriously.
Just feeling very hurt and scared and worthless... maybe I just need a good cry and pity party. I wish someone would just put him in his place or at least knock him down a notch. I mean I happy that he has become so successful and has a great job (that supports me) but I always feel inferior and not good enough...all emotions I put on myself.
I'm going to go shopping to return things today and meeting a girlfriend for dinner. So I have plans.
Why did he do this? Doesn't he miss us being a family? Is she all that? Was your life so horrible? Was I that horrible you just had to chew your leg off to get away? Does he even know how much pain and hurt he's cause? Why do I even care what he thinks? Argh.... all the questions come flooding back. It's like our marriage didn't even exist!! How do you forgive someone who treats you like this? He has NEVER wavered back n forth like so many others here where he was indecisive about divorce. Why? Why? Why?
I know I'll never get the answers or the truth. It's been 4 years since divorce day and that 1/2 year of separation (him dating OW). I can't continue like this. I've made great strides moving forward with my life. I moved 1000 miles away from my home and family. I have created a great life here. I don't have a social life nor many friends because of it, but I have my two kids here with me. They're amazing and I have the best life with them. I actually am glad that X isn't a part of our lives. I was doing so well.
Why then do I feel so incomplete and inferior? oh the questions.
It is so hard - I am sorry you feel badly. Please know you are enough. You are.
However, there must be a reason why you followed your gut instinct to 'take a look'. IMO, I think there comes a time when we have to face the fact that he has his life now and I have mine, and I have to concentrate on myself and my life.
My moment of truth came early this year when my little GS unwittingly told me that the ow had moved in with the ex. Not one other person has mentioned it or even accidentally said anything to indicate this has happened. I still don't know if it's true!! But my little GS ( and your little foray onto his FB page in your case ) has opened my eyes to the fact that this is how it is now. I cried. I got angry. I got sad. I felt jealous that she was in the house that I designed, in my kitchen, in my laundry etc. I am still struggling with trust and fear of abandonment, which are two issues that have become clear as a result.
Weirdly, I thought I had moved on and was happily involved in my new life, too. But I think that the healing will happen in it's own good time, and sometimes we are prompted to do some more healing by something as simple as checking out our ex's FB, or hearing proof positive in a sweet grandchild's voice, that he has moved on.
This is a signal that it's time to love yourself, spend more time on healing, and do some more things that give you pleasure like spending time with those you love and who love you. You might have to do a bit more grieving first, and when that's done, it's onward and upward for us.
love and hugs
kamary
I'm glad you are staying busy,remember, it's just a day. Hugs
FB can be very painful but try to remember that it is NOT reality...it is a small little sliver of reality which makes things look a certain way (again not reality)!!! I stayed FB friends with ex but new wife does NOT like it so he had to change me to "acquaintance"! That's an issue between the two of them. I did look at his stuff at time but better when I didn't.. I never commented or anything on his stuff but he did on mine (often not related to mychildren). Oh well!!!
So, you had a set back. Its OK...I had many.
My prayers will go out to you and your daughter.
I'm just thinking .........you could take all your other problems , divorce, OW, friends..whatever.
The most important thing right now is YOUR DAUGHTER .
Friends making comments about FB and your x. Ya, that's happened to me, but
Not on FB. Its not easy dealing with that. I had friends of 35 years or more and they just act
like she's ( x). Is the best person. And that goes for my DIL too. I became the outsider...I guess you have to be the one who cheats to still get respect from your friends. One friend couple of 35 years or so......I mean we did everything together...I have seen or heard from them since the divorce in 2009. So.... I don't know go figure.
Let me say this to you...... Your not that old ( as me ). You, my dear have your whole life ahead of you. Just think I met my new wife when I was ..like 62. .so....you have many years to enjoy your life......I wish I was 10 years younger ,!!!?! Ha Ha.
So, get rid of FB...nothing but trouble. I've been away from Facebook for....ohhhhh......4 1/2 years now... Don't miss it......? Don't care what's going on.
You'll be OK.....
Bob
So, I truly understand where you are coming from. I am so very sorry that you are going through this. Divorce is hard on so many levels, and just about when you think you've risen above them all, something else happens to knock you down again. True grace is finding the courage to stand up again and again and keep moving forward. You're doing just that.
Hugs to you.
Me myself don't believe those that do that kind of evil to another will ever get real joy or peace back in there life. I just don't believe it. I think they can look like it tho. My prayer is that these evil men get to feel what they have done to innocent people that they made oaths too. I too find forgiveness to be hard. This kind of betrayal I know God has to look at it differently. He has to live with it so of course he is going to try to make sound great what other option is there. But I don't buy that men can ruin the lives of all the people around them and its all cupcakes and great times ..........I say bull
As far as him poisoning your son - you don't know that to be true and I've got to believe that your boy saw the hurt that your ex put you through. Just hope he has your character and not his father's but whatever the case, you can't do anything except hope that he has it.
I'm sorry that your in a funk again - you have been doing so good. Don't worry about your ex and her. Your time will come if you want it too but there are more and more women these days that are opting to stay single. Relationships are work - they aren't all fairy tales and I for one worked my ass off for 30 years and I just don't want to do it anymore. I'm pretty much done with that I think. For now anyway. I'm enjoying myself, traveling, having peace in my life and it's pretty good!
FB is an awful painful thing, but you did it to yourself. Why? I don't know. Maybe your trying to desensitize yourself to it and eventually you'll get to a place of meh.... where looking at him is like looking at a stranger.
I've seen pics of my ex and his new whore wife, and the strongest feeling I felt was disgust. It's not meh, but I'll take it over the hurt he caused for so many years.
Sending you lots of love!
After we divorced, I obviously kept her on my blocked list because I didn't want to be tempted to check up on her especially after I found out she had moved into my old house. Anyway, I was adding a couple of people to my blocked list and saw that she has recently changed her last name to my ex's last name which I am pretty sure means that they got married.
My kids either don't know or didn't tell me to spare my feelings. We have just been divorced a little over a year now (final on 6/1/14) so I was a little surprised but the bottom line is I have nothing to do with him so him getting married really doesn't affect my life in any way. I've always known this was going to happen so I think I was prepared for it but I can say that I've felt every one of the things you've felt at one time or another. It sucks but it will get better.
Social media is kind of a bugaboo. I like Facebook but sometimes it's a problem. I would recommend blocking your ex which will prevent you from looking at his page. Block the OW too. The life people portray on Facebook is nothing what their lives look like in real life. They are not going to post pictures of their unhappy times.
Two known cheaters have pledged love and fidelity until death do they part or until someone better comes along. Their life is not going to be all hearts and flowers but that's not important. What is important is focusing on your life and trying to make it the best it can possibly be...whatever that means to you.
Sending hugs and support.
lemaym1.wordpress.com/
KRK...your kids sound like mine...the ex convinced them that it's OK to cheat and leave your spouse if you're unhappy as he was. It makes me feeling like I did something wrong as a parent that my daughters have such low morals and values. I think because they see their father so happy now where he wasn't before drives this. I put myself in their shoes one day and thought how would I feel had MY father cheated and left MY mother. I would have distanced myself from him for a while, but still loved him as my father, but I would never seen him in the same light ever again. I hope somewhere deep down my girls feel that way, but not convinced they do.
Since my girls are respectful of my feelings, they never mention their father to me, so we able to now be together and have good time like we used to, but there are still times the conversation is polite and reserved...the old "white elephant in the room" as they say.
I was driving to a family gathering and Gerry Rafferty's "Right Down the Line" came on the radio. It's a love song that should have been sung to us all. We were there for them, we believed them and believed IN them. They should have loved us a little bit more every day for the rest of our lives. I should have turned it off when it started, but I didn't. Thought my heart would tear in two. So....listed to it the whole way through, shed a few tears, chose to stop "shoulding" on myself, and drove on.
We're human, we will continue to do things we shouldn't, will continue to make choices for the worse, but eventually we'll get better at making better, healthier, healing, choices.