Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
Well, I did what I shouldn't have done. I looked at my D Facebook to see what my X has been posting. Haven't looked in over a year but I figured...Hey...my D isn't home (she's with X today) so I just wanted to see what he's been up to. So here I sit... crying. Crying because all those fabulous trips with pictures of OW aren't me. Crying because I'm so stupid to think he has any remorse. Crying because I'm not with X and the kids today while he's visiting (not reality). Crying because I feel I have nothing grandiose about my life after divorce.
Saw my therapist this past week and talked about his visit. I thought I was ok. I definitely need the break from the kids but it leaves me so empty. I'm so afraid I'm going to be that X wife who is exactly the same but plucked out of that miserable time and here I am 5 years later...not moved on and my X is just saying "see that's why I left" "what a loser". I don't know why I need to feel this vindication from him. His judgement. It's like I have to DO some phenomenal thing like get my Masters or have this high profile job or be some leader in the community. Like I have to prove something to him.
I feel he just thinks he so better off without me. That I was just a noose. I mean look at him now. And then the comparison of the OW. Reading the comments on their pictures and seeing what people had to say, some my friends and even relatives of mine making comments of "what a nice couple" "you two look so happy". Seriously.
Just feeling very hurt and scared and worthless... maybe I just need a good cry and pity party. I wish someone would just put him in his place or at least knock him down a notch. I mean I happy that he has become so successful and has a great job (that supports me) but I always feel inferior and not good enough...all emotions I put on myself.
I'm going to go shopping to return things today and meeting a girlfriend for dinner. So I have plans.
Why did he do this? Doesn't he miss us being a family? Is she all that? Was your life so horrible? Was I that horrible you just had to chew your leg off to get away? Does he even know how much pain and hurt he's cause? Why do I even care what he thinks? Argh.... all the questions come flooding back. It's like our marriage didn't even exist!! How do you forgive someone who treats you like this? He has NEVER wavered back n forth like so many others here where he was indecisive about divorce. Why? Why? Why?
I know I'll never get the answers or the truth. It's been 4 years since divorce day and that 1/2 year of separation (him dating OW). I can't continue like this. I've made great strides moving forward with my life. I moved 1000 miles away from my home and family. I have created a great life here. I don't have a social life nor many friends because of it, but I have my two kids here with me. They're amazing and I have the best life with them. I actually am glad that X isn't a part of our lives. I was doing so well.
Why then do I feel so incomplete and inferior? oh the questions.
Saw my therapist this past week and talked about his visit. I thought I was ok. I definitely need the break from the kids but it leaves me so empty. I'm so afraid I'm going to be that X wife who is exactly the same but plucked out of that miserable time and here I am 5 years later...not moved on and my X is just saying "see that's why I left" "what a loser". I don't know why I need to feel this vindication from him. His judgement. It's like I have to DO some phenomenal thing like get my Masters or have this high profile job or be some leader in the community. Like I have to prove something to him.
I feel he just thinks he so better off without me. That I was just a noose. I mean look at him now. And then the comparison of the OW. Reading the comments on their pictures and seeing what people had to say, some my friends and even relatives of mine making comments of "what a nice couple" "you two look so happy". Seriously.
Just feeling very hurt and scared and worthless... maybe I just need a good cry and pity party. I wish someone would just put him in his place or at least knock him down a notch. I mean I happy that he has become so successful and has a great job (that supports me) but I always feel inferior and not good enough...all emotions I put on myself.
I'm going to go shopping to return things today and meeting a girlfriend for dinner. So I have plans.
Why did he do this? Doesn't he miss us being a family? Is she all that? Was your life so horrible? Was I that horrible you just had to chew your leg off to get away? Does he even know how much pain and hurt he's cause? Why do I even care what he thinks? Argh.... all the questions come flooding back. It's like our marriage didn't even exist!! How do you forgive someone who treats you like this? He has NEVER wavered back n forth like so many others here where he was indecisive about divorce. Why? Why? Why?
I know I'll never get the answers or the truth. It's been 4 years since divorce day and that 1/2 year of separation (him dating OW). I can't continue like this. I've made great strides moving forward with my life. I moved 1000 miles away from my home and family. I have created a great life here. I don't have a social life nor many friends because of it, but I have my two kids here with me. They're amazing and I have the best life with them. I actually am glad that X isn't a part of our lives. I was doing so well.
Why then do I feel so incomplete and inferior? oh the questions.
My girlfriend met him while he was here. Her daughter was joining the kids and X for dinner and they had to pick her up (she is also in a wheelchair disabled). I then had dinner and went out with her mom. She couldn't believe that was the guy I was so in love with and crying over. LOL... so she put the reality check out there and helped me get through the night.
The kids and X went to dinner then took X back to hotel and then met up with us mom's with more of their friends at another place. Deep down it feels good that they left him and met up with me. Terrible to say but I know their relationship with their dad isn't what it used to be. He blames me because I moved them so far away and I always put out there X has a choice to visit the OW 700 miles away or visit his kids 700 miles away. Which one do you think he choses? Kids know it. They see his actions.
The reality is he's gone.... Gone like died. There was always this shred of hope he would come back to us and be a family again. I don't know why I always held onto to that. Even if he slowly started to work his way back into our lives, or rather my life, the reality is he left for OW. IS with the OW. There is NO him anymore....ever.
I'm ok with that reality. The scar is healing over again. The hurt is gone or at least lessened. I'm not bleeding anymore. I see a future again here on my own. I gained my power back. And in all honesty that's what it was. I gave him power over my thoughts and let what he is and has done to me control me and once i started to give myself the confidence and positive affirmations that I AM THE ONE WHO IS BETTER OFF...things changed.
Thanks for all the support.
I love your girlfriend!! You might even find you think the same thing if you ever have the opportunity to look at him again.
I also love your kids. You're right. They're not stupid. Sadly, they are missing out because of his choices, and I hope he tries harder to include them in his life in the future.
Yes, he's gone... like he died. I used to have that shred of hope until I found out the ow had moved into my house. Now I realise it would never have worked anyway, even if he did want back. He's still who he is and I still don't want to live with someone who would treat me like that.
Good on you!! There is a future there for you, for all of us, on our own. I think you're right. The fear of seeing him again made you scared for a while, and you beat it.
Now you're stronger than ever.
love and hugs
kamary
So glad your kids are there for you and with you. Thanks for the update!