Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
Hi everyone. Haven't posted in a while but have been reading everyones posts. Saturday marked 4 years divorced. Uneventful to say the least; didn't even cry. A true sign of acceptance only took me 4 years! So anyway it also comes 2 days after X birthday in which his GF took him to Vegas to celebrate. They travel so much together and because of their long distance relationship are always taking turns at each others places and piggy backing their work trips with each other. As some may recall my situation where he wanted out after my daughters paralyzing accident. He now has the opportunities of a lifetime with the job he acquired a year before the accident making a lot of money and a lot of other perks that go with it. With all his travels and workload he only visits his daughter 1 or 2x a year and now our son lives with me also and yet he hasn't made any efforts to visit. Yes they are young adults at 22 and 23. He knows I'm the caregiver to our daughter yet makes no attempt at any sort of resprite. I haven't asked and I know that's my own fault. I call him the 10/10/10 dad - 10 minutes every 10 days and sees them every 10 months. His loss. I'm getting over the bitter. He's a stranger now. Time has created a buffer.
The week after Easter he is coming down to be with D who is having stem cell surgery. He'll be here for 2-3 days and we (meaning me, D and S) will be staying at a hotel. I'm a wreck with anxiety. I don't want to be the bitter bitch X wife yet I want to set boundaries such as I will not be partaking in any 4somes as a family unit. The kids can go off with their dad but I will choose to eat alone. I'm ok with that. Same with driving to and from doctors and hotel. I wish he wasn't even going. The kids have an ok relationship with him. D especially but S doesn't go out of his way. They love him and miss him and have even spent Christmas with their dad and his GF. They say she's nice. I don't get it how they can act so caulous about it. But its their relationship. Kids know what he did.
As the person who leaves and wants out (of the so called terrible marriage) and is soo happy now and how much better their life is now, I can't wrap my head around it. He's traveled to Europe, Jaimaca, Vegas, Sonoma Valley, houseboat excursions, Boston, Nantucket, etc... the list goes on and on. But, here I am doing the right thing with my daughter. I can't date let alone find someone who understands this lifestyle I now have. Everyone says work on yourself, find yourself, become who you always wanted to be...but I don't have the time for me. Just getting my hair done or nails or even grocery shopping alone is a treat. I'm jealous...I'm sad that he walked away. I'm hurt that he gave up on me. He pays me spousal support and by my lawyers standard its fairly good. I can't work a full time career and only work part-time when I can. Not saying that Whoa is me, I'm getting by and live a great life sharing it with my kids. I just don't get it.... He pays nothing for the kids. Yes they are adults, but never gives them money. Even when my S was in college he never gave him $. Treated him to dinner on the 10/10/10 rule of course. My son loves him because he's his dad but he doesn't respect him...although his dad doesn't know that. X only think the kids love him and has never been told by them what they really think....and probably never will.
I know his life can't be all roses...it's a lot of work and traveling can be monotonous and has it's drawbacks, but he doesn't have the baggage to lug around like a wife and kids. His GF has never been married and no kids...she's only 3 years younger than him. She's just available to him...and X always is sure to tell the kids how she is treating him with her flyer miles on the trips... yeah right. Ok so I do sound a bit jealous. This job was supposed to put he and I on the next level, our second honeymoon, empty-nesters (accident kinda threw a wrench into it), but we were a family. And it really hurts to find him saying things like "what a great trip and how much fun he's having"...seriously! Do you think he's bragging to the kids? Why would he do that?
So all this just adds to my anxiety for the upcoming trip. I plan to go through my mind the scenarios of questions and zingers he'll throw at me... like you haven't changed a bit, or you really need to move on, or this is why I left. But I have changed and I have moved on! He only see's me for what he wants to see the excuse why he left. I really don't know how I'm going to get through the weekend with him...avoidance at all costs, but with my D and S how do I do that without hurting them too?
Wow. Pretty multi-level discussion going on in my head. Just had to get it out.... any thoughts or insights from you all? I just need some support.
The week after Easter he is coming down to be with D who is having stem cell surgery. He'll be here for 2-3 days and we (meaning me, D and S) will be staying at a hotel. I'm a wreck with anxiety. I don't want to be the bitter bitch X wife yet I want to set boundaries such as I will not be partaking in any 4somes as a family unit. The kids can go off with their dad but I will choose to eat alone. I'm ok with that. Same with driving to and from doctors and hotel. I wish he wasn't even going. The kids have an ok relationship with him. D especially but S doesn't go out of his way. They love him and miss him and have even spent Christmas with their dad and his GF. They say she's nice. I don't get it how they can act so caulous about it. But its their relationship. Kids know what he did.
As the person who leaves and wants out (of the so called terrible marriage) and is soo happy now and how much better their life is now, I can't wrap my head around it. He's traveled to Europe, Jaimaca, Vegas, Sonoma Valley, houseboat excursions, Boston, Nantucket, etc... the list goes on and on. But, here I am doing the right thing with my daughter. I can't date let alone find someone who understands this lifestyle I now have. Everyone says work on yourself, find yourself, become who you always wanted to be...but I don't have the time for me. Just getting my hair done or nails or even grocery shopping alone is a treat. I'm jealous...I'm sad that he walked away. I'm hurt that he gave up on me. He pays me spousal support and by my lawyers standard its fairly good. I can't work a full time career and only work part-time when I can. Not saying that Whoa is me, I'm getting by and live a great life sharing it with my kids. I just don't get it.... He pays nothing for the kids. Yes they are adults, but never gives them money. Even when my S was in college he never gave him $. Treated him to dinner on the 10/10/10 rule of course. My son loves him because he's his dad but he doesn't respect him...although his dad doesn't know that. X only think the kids love him and has never been told by them what they really think....and probably never will.
I know his life can't be all roses...it's a lot of work and traveling can be monotonous and has it's drawbacks, but he doesn't have the baggage to lug around like a wife and kids. His GF has never been married and no kids...she's only 3 years younger than him. She's just available to him...and X always is sure to tell the kids how she is treating him with her flyer miles on the trips... yeah right. Ok so I do sound a bit jealous. This job was supposed to put he and I on the next level, our second honeymoon, empty-nesters (accident kinda threw a wrench into it), but we were a family. And it really hurts to find him saying things like "what a great trip and how much fun he's having"...seriously! Do you think he's bragging to the kids? Why would he do that?
So all this just adds to my anxiety for the upcoming trip. I plan to go through my mind the scenarios of questions and zingers he'll throw at me... like you haven't changed a bit, or you really need to move on, or this is why I left. But I have changed and I have moved on! He only see's me for what he wants to see the excuse why he left. I really don't know how I'm going to get through the weekend with him...avoidance at all costs, but with my D and S how do I do that without hurting them too?
Wow. Pretty multi-level discussion going on in my head. Just had to get it out.... any thoughts or insights from you all? I just need some support.
His relationship with his GF sounds superficial. Going on all this trips seems like an effort to create or re-create something. Or it's just something he can brag about to friends and coworkers making it look like he's on top of the world. It's not doing life together and building a solid relationship. It's like eating the icing off the cake and throwing the cake away.
It's smart of you to plan ahead for seeing him. Most likely the reunion will drum up some old hurts you thought you were done with. I wish I had some great advice to give, but I don't . I do know that these situations don't turn out to be as bad as we imagine them to be.
I will pray for you and for your daughters procedure to be a great success.
YOU are a loving and stable parent to your kids everyday! NOTHING means more to those kids than that! You need to focus on how lucky you are and not on what you're missing. You are obsessing (sorry, but I think that might be an accurate word here) over a man who has pretty much abandoned his kids. Why do you know where he is going and what he is doing? You need to STOP getting this information, no matter how it's coming to you. It's not healthy for you! I don't know where the ex is or where he vacations or what he ate for dinner last night, nor do I WANT to know! It's part of the no contact thing essentially. Helps to break the bonds that tie!
I strongly urge you to break whatever information cycle is keeping you in the loop about your ex. I truly empathize with you about the financial thing though. I'm okay with my settlement too, but the kids, well...they just didn't make out so well! All in their early 20's same as yours, and you'd THINK that with a six figure dad they'd see a little more scratch coming their way. Besides the piddly amount that I FOUGHT over to obligate him to pay them something while still in college, they only get a Christmas and birthday cheque. Nothing more. Meanwhile I supply cars and extras that he could better afford than I...but the kids know it and appreciate me for it (well 2 out of 3 for sure anyway lol)
But know what? My boys know their dad is cheap. Cheap with his time and finances. And not really a parent anymore. They come to me with their issues, their questions, their heart aches. But they all love him, and so they should....but respect? Well that's a different story I think! It is what it is.
All we can hope as the parent who's there is that it makes our kids know how much generosity, giving out of love, and a sense of commitment to really being there is a meaningful way to live their lives. You are living this way. Your kids see it and love you for it.
Try to have as little personal contact with him as possible when he's there. Have a friend or family member (another adult) give you some moral support...so what if you need back up?! It'll be okay. Stay strong!
My heart went out to you Lisa MariB. Sounds like you got left with all the work and he got left with all the play. I'm not entirely sure I would be as civil as you are.!!!!! If I can say anything I will say this. God knows your love and sacrifice your doing and he rewards greatly and sees it all. There is sometimes no justice here on this earth I haven't seen any in my case but I know one day. He that sees it all........and knows my sacrifice and then I will get my reward.
I admire you for what your doing and your cared about here !!!!!
Honestly, I don't understand how you can still love someone who did what he did to you. I'm with you on the whole being friends with the ex. I know my kids would like that, but no way. He wasn't my friend during our marriage, so why would I want him as my friend now? I wouldn't. I saw him at my DD29's wedding last year and felt nothing for him. I hadn't seen him in 4 years and, honestly, all I got was an icky feeling.
Just stay strong and get through it with as little interaction as possible.
That is a hard one to break, and it's why not seeing him and not talking or emailing with him i.e. no contact was and remains the single most important factor in breaking the emotional bond, at least for me.
It explains why I've always felt so much sympathy for you members who have younger kids and have to keep the communication doors open to co-parent, regardless the commitment or time spent with your ex's. But I suppose that's a hurdle that you get to overcome earlier then us folks who go years post divorce and don't see or hear from him.
Like Startingover, I can only hope that all I get is "an icky feeling" when I do see him again one day. Possibly, that could be soon as I have my first college graduate this spring and he may be at the convocation ceremony. Ick ;)
Hang in there Lisa, and make sure to take "Lisa time" on a regular basis, doing whatever makes you feel joyful or special because you deserve it! Let us know how it goes next week hon. hugs
I'm feeling and sharing the support for you from everyone here.
Just wanted to point out how much strength I'm picking up from your words. You are doing what's right and loving for your kids. You are the main, hopefully not only, caregiver to your paralyzed daughter, an exhausting, yet rewarding, full time job. I hear you bravely acknowledging your feelings, and facing them, for instance, the jealousy, yet you're polite, still feeling love for him, yet following self care protocol with your kids and scheduling safe space at the hotel. Good job. I admire this all.
At the end of the day, the end of our lives, it isn't the trips we took, the food we ate, the drinks we had, or the fast cars we played in. It's the relationships with the people in our lives, and your son and daughter will be the most important ones to you, and you in theirs. Keep on keepin' on, and I hope you find peace of mind from your brave choices.
Not snooping but D mentioned he was at church w GF for Easter...she's catholic as am I. He never went to church with me or the kids. Just upset over the hoops he jumps through, but glad he is going to church. I always told him he was a better man when God was in his life. That always upset him.
I used to think that God answered his prayers...got out of HIS miserable marriage, has a successful career, lives a comfortable lifestyle. Like movingon46 says. He pays me good money to stay out of his life. I can still remember texting him before the D and him telling me "leave me alone" pretty hurtful. But, he spun everything to make me the reason he left. I still hear songs about relationships and moving on and they should empower me but instead I think of how they empower him.
I am a very decent and respectful person. Huge heart. Love family and friends. Do anything for you. Yes. I'm a people pleaser but in a good kinda way. I'm intelligent. I'm smart. I'm pretty, a little curvy. But honest. And I just don't understand it all and I know I don't have to. It was HIS to own and he has to live up to it now.
Just going to continue to follow God's lead and I know he has big things planned!!
Ditto on the attitude! Good for you.
I pray that this surgery helps your daughter in such a way, that you will no longer have to be a constant care giver and that you can start spending some time on yourself.
As for seeing your ex, I know it's hard, and I'm sorry that you have to go through this. You are stronger than you think. Sending you all sorts of love and support my friend (((Hugs)))