Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group
I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...
Hi everyone. Haven't posted in a while but have been reading everyones posts. Saturday marked 4 years divorced. Uneventful to say the least; didn't even cry. A true sign of acceptance only took me 4 years! So anyway it also comes 2 days after X birthday in which his GF took him to Vegas to celebrate. They travel so much together and because of their long distance relationship are always taking turns at each others places and piggy backing their work trips with each other. As some may recall my situation where he wanted out after my daughters paralyzing accident. He now has the opportunities of a lifetime with the job he acquired a year before the accident making a lot of money and a lot of other perks that go with it. With all his travels and workload he only visits his daughter 1 or 2x a year and now our son lives with me also and yet he hasn't made any efforts to visit. Yes they are young adults at 22 and 23. He knows I'm the caregiver to our daughter yet makes no attempt at any sort of resprite. I haven't asked and I know that's my own fault. I call him the 10/10/10 dad - 10 minutes every 10 days and sees them every 10 months. His loss. I'm getting over the bitter. He's a stranger now. Time has created a buffer.
The week after Easter he is coming down to be with D who is having stem cell surgery. He'll be here for 2-3 days and we (meaning me, D and S) will be staying at a hotel. I'm a wreck with anxiety. I don't want to be the bitter bitch X wife yet I want to set boundaries such as I will not be partaking in any 4somes as a family unit. The kids can go off with their dad but I will choose to eat alone. I'm ok with that. Same with driving to and from doctors and hotel. I wish he wasn't even going. The kids have an ok relationship with him. D especially but S doesn't go out of his way. They love him and miss him and have even spent Christmas with their dad and his GF. They say she's nice. I don't get it how they can act so caulous about it. But its their relationship. Kids know what he did.
As the person who leaves and wants out (of the so called terrible marriage) and is soo happy now and how much better their life is now, I can't wrap my head around it. He's traveled to Europe, Jaimaca, Vegas, Sonoma Valley, houseboat excursions, Boston, Nantucket, etc... the list goes on and on. But, here I am doing the right thing with my daughter. I can't date let alone find someone who understands this lifestyle I now have. Everyone says work on yourself, find yourself, become who you always wanted to be...but I don't have the time for me. Just getting my hair done or nails or even grocery shopping alone is a treat. I'm jealous...I'm sad that he walked away. I'm hurt that he gave up on me. He pays me spousal support and by my lawyers standard its fairly good. I can't work a full time career and only work part-time when I can. Not saying that Whoa is me, I'm getting by and live a great life sharing it with my kids. I just don't get it.... He pays nothing for the kids. Yes they are adults, but never gives them money. Even when my S was in college he never gave him $. Treated him to dinner on the 10/10/10 rule of course. My son loves him because he's his dad but he doesn't respect him...although his dad doesn't know that. X only think the kids love him and has never been told by them what they really think....and probably never will.
I know his life can't be all roses...it's a lot of work and traveling can be monotonous and has it's drawbacks, but he doesn't have the baggage to lug around like a wife and kids. His GF has never been married and no kids...she's only 3 years younger than him. She's just available to him...and X always is sure to tell the kids how she is treating him with her flyer miles on the trips... yeah right. Ok so I do sound a bit jealous. This job was supposed to put he and I on the next level, our second honeymoon, empty-nesters (accident kinda threw a wrench into it), but we were a family. And it really hurts to find him saying things like "what a great trip and how much fun he's having"...seriously! Do you think he's bragging to the kids? Why would he do that?
So all this just adds to my anxiety for the upcoming trip. I plan to go through my mind the scenarios of questions and zingers he'll throw at me... like you haven't changed a bit, or you really need to move on, or this is why I left. But I have changed and I have moved on! He only see's me for what he wants to see the excuse why he left. I really don't know how I'm going to get through the weekend with him...avoidance at all costs, but with my D and S how do I do that without hurting them too?
Wow. Pretty multi-level discussion going on in my head. Just had to get it out.... any thoughts or insights from you all? I just need some support.
The week after Easter he is coming down to be with D who is having stem cell surgery. He'll be here for 2-3 days and we (meaning me, D and S) will be staying at a hotel. I'm a wreck with anxiety. I don't want to be the bitter bitch X wife yet I want to set boundaries such as I will not be partaking in any 4somes as a family unit. The kids can go off with their dad but I will choose to eat alone. I'm ok with that. Same with driving to and from doctors and hotel. I wish he wasn't even going. The kids have an ok relationship with him. D especially but S doesn't go out of his way. They love him and miss him and have even spent Christmas with their dad and his GF. They say she's nice. I don't get it how they can act so caulous about it. But its their relationship. Kids know what he did.
As the person who leaves and wants out (of the so called terrible marriage) and is soo happy now and how much better their life is now, I can't wrap my head around it. He's traveled to Europe, Jaimaca, Vegas, Sonoma Valley, houseboat excursions, Boston, Nantucket, etc... the list goes on and on. But, here I am doing the right thing with my daughter. I can't date let alone find someone who understands this lifestyle I now have. Everyone says work on yourself, find yourself, become who you always wanted to be...but I don't have the time for me. Just getting my hair done or nails or even grocery shopping alone is a treat. I'm jealous...I'm sad that he walked away. I'm hurt that he gave up on me. He pays me spousal support and by my lawyers standard its fairly good. I can't work a full time career and only work part-time when I can. Not saying that Whoa is me, I'm getting by and live a great life sharing it with my kids. I just don't get it.... He pays nothing for the kids. Yes they are adults, but never gives them money. Even when my S was in college he never gave him $. Treated him to dinner on the 10/10/10 rule of course. My son loves him because he's his dad but he doesn't respect him...although his dad doesn't know that. X only think the kids love him and has never been told by them what they really think....and probably never will.
I know his life can't be all roses...it's a lot of work and traveling can be monotonous and has it's drawbacks, but he doesn't have the baggage to lug around like a wife and kids. His GF has never been married and no kids...she's only 3 years younger than him. She's just available to him...and X always is sure to tell the kids how she is treating him with her flyer miles on the trips... yeah right. Ok so I do sound a bit jealous. This job was supposed to put he and I on the next level, our second honeymoon, empty-nesters (accident kinda threw a wrench into it), but we were a family. And it really hurts to find him saying things like "what a great trip and how much fun he's having"...seriously! Do you think he's bragging to the kids? Why would he do that?
So all this just adds to my anxiety for the upcoming trip. I plan to go through my mind the scenarios of questions and zingers he'll throw at me... like you haven't changed a bit, or you really need to move on, or this is why I left. But I have changed and I have moved on! He only see's me for what he wants to see the excuse why he left. I really don't know how I'm going to get through the weekend with him...avoidance at all costs, but with my D and S how do I do that without hurting them too?
Wow. Pretty multi-level discussion going on in my head. Just had to get it out.... any thoughts or insights from you all? I just need some support.
your kids are too old and have seen too much to "buy" a fake family fun day, so you are correct in showing them respect and try to fake it
you kids will move out and you'll have too much time instead of little for yourself, it is good that your kids have a parent that doesn't put themselves first
I understand your anxiety but you should realize it is based on emotions that you feel, look objectively at yourself, the person you are, the parent you are. If you are honest with yourself, your anxiety will fade as you've come so far and have brought / supported / are launching two young adults.
A couple of things. Where you stated, "He's traveled to Europe, Jaimaca, Vegas, Sonoma Valley, houseboat excursions, Boston, Nantucket, etc... the list goes on and on. But, here I am doing the right thing with my daughter." The right thing isn't always the most fun thing but it just may feed the soul to a greater depth than superficial pleasures. We all like having a good time and thought those easy years were just around the corner for us before they were yanked unexpectedly so yeah, it's hard to deal with. Hopefully you can counterbalance a feel good about yourself for caring for your daughter while he flippantly bounces about.
Another thing I noticed in your writings I have a very hard time with too. It's simply letting bygones be bygones. Our angst toward our exes hurt ourselves much more than it hurts them. I've been cordial to my ex while around the kids but when all is said and done and I get back home I swear I won't again, only to do it again. All my kids are adults but even for them it does them some good to see mom and dad being civil. I'm fully aware I'll go to my grave with a level of bitterness within because of this divorce but hopefully it will have diminished with each passing year as time goes by. This upcoming trip for you is an opportunity to make a small adjustment if you feel up to it. It just may lighten your load a bit if you can.
Do you think she was having an affair?
I've dated four women since, currently on the 5th which is faltering as of late. Too many variables to blend into one at this stage of the game me thinks. It just isn't worth it. I guess I liked building a life with another, not just sharing a life with another.
What I'd like to say is that I usually get myself in a real tizz when something like you're facing is coming up. If I have been enjoying no contact and getting on with my life, and haven't seen the ex or the ow, or both together for a while, I will get nervous about how to handle it, so what you're going through as far as anxiety about how you'll handle it is quite normal.
I usually take the attitude that "I can do this for the period of time it's necessary." "I can be polite for a day." then "I can be polite for another day".
I do it for my kids and I do it for myself. I refuse to let him see how hurt I am, how disappointed that he had found someone else before I left, and how sad I am that he chose to be mean and judgmental rather than loving and compassionate for so many years. I make sure that I am clear in my mind about exactly what sort of man he is, so that I have no doubts, no yearnings, no wishing it were different to upset me during the time I have to see him.
It sounds as though you were having problems before the accident, but I also want to say that many men cannot 'do' illness. Some women can't, either. My ex is one of them. They cannot slow down and do what has to be done when there is illness or accident in the family. They just don't have the love and compassion, and IMO they are too selfish to take on the caring and self-sacrifice that is necessary. I was ill with fibromyalgia for 9 years prior to our separation. His answer? He went out as much as he could, doing things that it was not possible for me to share, and treating me with disdain and disrespect because I wasn't getting out there conquering the world.
I think they like to brag about what they're doing because they want people to think they're happy. Look at me. I must be happy. In my experience, all the doing and going and showing off only hides a very unhappy person once the door to the house is closed and everyone's gone home.
Hold your head up. You are the one who is standing by your daughter and you are the one who is giving your son a real home. Be strong and full of integrity. You have every reason to be proud of yourself.
love and hugs
kamary
As for his trips, I can totally relate. I love to travel, but now don't have the money to do it since my ex got fired from his high paying job the year he left me and hasn't worked since...so there went any alimony I was supposed to get. Oh, but my ex managed to keep our lifestyle by marrying his mistress who makes enough to support them in the manner he and I would have had in our fifties. I'll never forget hearing about him going to Hawaii on his honeymoon (only 4 months after our divorce was finalized). I felt like someone had stabbed me in the heart as that's always been my dream trip and had been planning it for OUR 25th anniversary. I believe one of my kids told me. Who tells YOU about their trips? Your kids? Tell them you don't care to hear it as I did. It helps tremendously not to know anything about their life. My kids know dh and I don't and never will have what their father and his wife have, so to hear it is hurtful, especially when it comes to things they can do for my kids that I can't (like buying my DD23 a new car for her college graduation this year.) It took me a good 3 years to get it through their heads that I don't want to hear ANYTHING about his life and they were not to discuss mine with him. Not necessary! It's hard, I know, to hear about an ex's lavish lifestyle and how "happy" they are, but, as Kamary said...who really knows...
No contact and no knowledge of his life keeps my focused on my new life and not dwelling on "what should have been".
HUGS to you, LisaMariB....