I am laughing as I write this. Hell no, you're not too old to be thinking about "this stuff" at all! I am sorry to hear that your sex life with your X was less than satisfactory.
In the early years, sex with my X was pretty good but after awhile, I had trouble "getting into it" when just an hour earlier he was berating me for anything and everything. Sex, for me anyway, begins in my HEAD...if I am treated well and appreciated, that makes for good, warm and fuzzy feelings. Then, my the body follows.
Over the years, I grew weary of sex with the X because it was always"all for him" -- he never gave a rat's butt if I was satisfied or not. While in therapy during the 18 Months of Hell, I realized that the X always wanted me to perform oral sex on him in preference to intercourse. My therapist said that is typical narcissistic behavior. More than that, I think he felt guilty about having sex...he was raised Catholic and his mother had always wanted him to become a priest! Or who knows...maybe the man is a latent homosexual? Whatever, it's not my problem anymore.
In retrospect, I suppose I suppressed my sex drive because I never even considered having an affair just for sex. But it didn't go away! Tom and I have had serious fireworks in that area since we've gotten together. Sex isn't the most important thing in our relationship -- it's the ICING ON THE CAKE! It is an expression of love and affection for each other and believe me, it's better than any sex I ever had with anyone else in my lifetime!

Are you serious, I'm now 55, have not had sex with anyone for almost two years. Sex with my ex was "unsatisfying" It was always about him. Latent homosexual? it crossed my mind every time we had sex...
I can hardly wait to find someone that fits the bill as far a great relationship goes, then great sex. Can't do it the other way around, for me it just doesn't work that way. He's GOT to be a great kisser too, I never knew that in them kissing us the give us teststerone, Wow that's hot! LOL. My ex was a horrible kisser. little pecks never any passion, What's up with that? It was always about him and his little .........anyway........

Kathi my ex was the same way about oral sex. I'm pretty open minded but it got too one sided and I just got into the habit of saying no to the oral sex. The last ten years of our marriage was sexless. He was overseas and on blood pressure meds, paxil and the 4 to 5 cases of beer gave him the excuse he wanted.

I accepted that he was having problems in that area because I loved him. But that ended when I found out about the son and the cute little China doll he married.

Sex was always great with both the men I had married. I've had really, really great sex but I think that part of my life is over. Not because I want it to be but because of lack of opportunity. I live so far out in the boonies and I am determined to finsih the farm I have started. I simply don't have the time nor the opportunity to meet anyone.

Sex has always been good for me as well. This is one of the reasons why this divorce was so confusing to me. My ex and I had great sex and we had it often. But, I guess he felt the grass was greener on the other side of that imaginary fence. He's in for a big surprise...oh well...thats his problem not mine. I say...good luck with that!

As far as your age and sex...it only gets better. We dont have the pressures we faced when we were younger. You dont have to worry about getting pregnant, kids walking in on you or the hustle and bustle of trying to balance family life, work life and intimate life. It all adds up.

I have been seeing the fellow that did my house inspection prior to buying my house. It has moved to an intimate relationship. It is absolutely wonderful. The difference between him and my ex is that he really cares about..ME! I am a priority in his life. I dont think Ive ever been a priority. That alone makes a huge difference.

I believe its never to late to meet that...someone special. Hang in there...if this is what you want... it WILL happen. The fellow I am seeing was basically dropped into my lap. It will for you too. Live your life..open up to the fact you are now single...embrace it...talk about it...its amazing what can happen. A trip to Home Depot may be all it takes. Big Hugs...Kathy

Geez, I can't believe this is my first thread of the morning. This is something I really worry about, too. The relationship I had before stbx, way long ago when I was in my early 20s, was all about sex. The guy and I had a lot in common in terms of interests (and sex), but he wasn't the right guy for me. That was too bad because the sex was really great. I moved on to stbx. He was not a good kisser and the sex was mostly okay. Sometimes it was good, but rarely was it great. I know it was one of the long-term issues we couldn't deal with. Maybe it's the kind of thing you can't fix. Either the sexual chemistry is there, or it's not. Didn't know the part about the kissing, but I have to agree that the kissing is pretty important. I like to feel the passion and desire in a kiss. My stbx also expected me to be the one who initiated everything - the temptress. He would just lay there waiting for me to do my job. Perhaps that was part of the narcissism. One thing that really bothered me over the years is that I always felt like he was interested in me for the sex, but not interested so much in making the deep connection that you get from loving someone and sharing in the joys good sex brings to a relationship. At some gut level it was very apparent to me when he began having his affairs. That's too creepy to dwell on.

I hope that at some point I will have great sex again. I could get into that. But, it's pretty difficult to think about it right now. I definitely have some body issues. My lower abdomen took a hit when I had my one pregnancy - I am pretty small and my son was over 9 lbs when he was born. Had a caesarean, too, which didn't help. I've actually contemplated plastic surgery. I'm trying not to think about that issue too much right now. Seems better to put my energy into swiming!

Thank you all so muich, I really didn't know if I was the only one. And...he was a lousy kisser. That's something I think you either are or are not. I dated a guy in high school who was the world's best kisser. What that kid could put into a kiss was more than STBX showed in 20 years. And he was only 17!!!! You know it was great if I still
remember it 37 years later, lol!

Body issues -- when I try to be objective I look pretty good. Size 8, never had kids so everything's still in the right place. But inside, I don't feel it. Just another issue to resolve I guss.

Creekside, if you're thinking about plastic surgery and it bothers you that much, go for it. Not for anyone else, but for you. I had my nose done 3 years ago. I had lived with it all that time and everyone said why bother, why now, but it was wonderful. Not a huge difference, but for me it allowed me to live without keeping my hand up to my face. It made ME happy.

Well my STBX was a great kisser but not so much in the sex dept. I know this was partly my fault because I always held a part of my self back from him. What I've come to realize it a rouse from trust issues, so I never gave all of myself and so sex was not great. But am sure looking forward to the "Mind Blowing" kind some day, and I'm 50 LOL.

You were smart for ending it. You got the right idea. Nothing is worst than to be "used" by an undeserving person who is not emotionally concerned. What you really want, is to give your "pearls" to the one who IS emotionally good for you. That spark called "chemistry" and its libido comes with nurturing bonding behavior. Remember, age is nothing but a number and you're young yet , not 80+. Just keep your eyes open.

My motto is: If the person can dance with great moves, all other moves speaks for itself. LOL!

Crap....sorry should have edited my post , come to realize it**arose** (I wasn't aroused. Different thought LOL)

Ok...lol...I have been trying to respond to this post since I first read it, but I keep getting interrupted! Had to smile at ccd1's Freudian slip i.e. arouse/arose??? I ask myself what it is that I want. Sex is just as important now as it was when I was 21. I don't think that changes as we age...not really. I know that passion can wane...that sparks can fade to a warm glow...that it cannot be "the first time" every time. I believe that physical intimacy is what separates friend from mate. It is essential, and it is natural, and it is good and right. Age can change the readiness factor somewhat, but I truly believe that if we can apply the knowledge we picked up over the years, our sex lives can be better than ever before. We learn, over time, to be more accepting of our bodies. We learn that sex is 90% mental. We understand the impact of certain words or gestures...the importance of anticipation and foreplay. Face it...we get darn good at it. ...As for me, I want to be wanted. I want someone to love me, and desire to please me, and to find comfort with me. And that is what I want to give and find in return. I truly believe that God, in his infinite wisdom, begins to dim our eyesight at 40 something as a gesture of kindness. With glasses off, who can see those fine lines and wrinkles? (Ok, ok...I'm laughing.) ...and just remember people, "No glove, no love"...STD's are out there in our age group too! And there is always BOB (battery operated boyfriend). ....In any event, it IS important to me, but I want the love that goes with it. I want all or nothing.

Enjoyed your reply, Tea! Sex was great until the first affair, and then somehow there was always three of us in the bed, and it was so hard to get past feeling like I was coming up in third place. The mind is truly a powerful thing. Although he was always, always making sure I had a good time, the head connection was just not there for me. And I know, now, that the affairs were not about me, but about his lack of character, or esteem, or whatever his current therapist is telling him!

And the "make-up" sex is something people that don't communicate must have made up. He thought jumping into bed after being mean and arguing would solve the problems without any communication? I don't know about you......but it never worked for me. Sometimes it was easier to make my grocery list and moan a little than to try to really get past the resentment! Anyone else?

I have no interest whatsoever with having an intimate or emotional relationship with someone, and I am feeling comfortable with that. Still in the early process of getting a divorce, teen kids at home, so probably a good thing. In the meantime, BOB is a good friend and doesn't talk back.

Since I always felt lacking from the other woman, it is nice to read that others have found partners that can take their glasses off, overlook the bulges and wrinkles and have a good time on the mattress or where ever!

Love you all! Not at the point of a relationship but might be tempted to "test the parts." "No glove, no love" is perfect. The fastest growing segment of the population of people contracting STD's is women over 50. Very scary! I also like the theory about the eyes going so you don't see the details anymore. That made me laugh out loud. I guess i had just resigned myself in my marriage to the sex was what it was and that was it. Now there are possibilities. Definitely don't want anyone who uses Viagra though!

The last 8-9 years of my marriage was awful in the sex department. Ended up only a few times a year. There were several reasons:

1) She did not interest me anymore because of all of her issues - drinking, drugs, abuse.
2) Her bedroom was nasty. She kept saying that I never came into it. Well, duh.
3) When she drank, she was a devil. Definitely not appealing.
4) She felt sex was messy. I had to use a condom. Always.

I have to say, the equipment works just fine. I know this because I still pole vault out of bed some mornings.

Now, my problem is that it has been so long that someone told me it was like riding a bicycle. So, I got on my bike and rode for a while. Ummm.... I don't remember pumpin' my legs so much.

Sex with my stbx was always amazing. Just like dairytech, that is why I was sort of surprised. I definitely want now to have someone love me for who I am, not who they want me to be. For me, sex is important in a relationship, but not the sole basis. I have to admit, gravity and children have not been so kind to me, so I am TERRIFIED of being with someone else. Oh, well, hopefully their eyesight did go, like Tea4 said....lol

I love it! That everyone is so open. The sex with my stbx was always good,,, but,, there was such confusion as stated above. He made it all about me,, but the words and/or actions that happend previously in the day or days leading up to it really makes a girl wonder. Even when I would suggest a "night of passion",,, he would say things like "well,, ya we'll see if it really happens,, if you aren't to tired".

I want to be wanted too! Not just pinched and poked as he walks by.. a hug,, a long kiss,, come home to some little thing done that I have been wanting done,, some little project. A glass of wine poured for me,,, dinner suggestions,, cripes,, I am really not that hard to please when it comes to praise!

Anyway,, I am looking forward to great sex as well. The last few times,, although it was fine,, it was really more robotic than anything. Meeting a need,, know what I mean.

I have to believe it will happen for all of us!!