Divorce after Twenty years together Community Group

I want to start something for those of us that were married for a long long time. I think that we face a little different issues than those who were dating for a few years or even married for shorter period of time. Being married for so long we have older children some have grandkids dealing with teenagers and their reaction to the divorice empty nesters dating after 40...

507 Members

7,364 Posts

0 Online

dairytech 09/16/2013

NOT !!!!! Cant happen. I tried and tried and tried...it just doesnt work. My efforts were for the kids but now I even question if that was the truth. Even after 4 years post divorce ( divorced twice ) and no contact for almost 2 years in the beginning and all the lies and crap he put me through...you can not undo whats been done. Its not that the pain is still alive...its more about the rolls we both played comes back into play. Contact re introduces those rolls even though they were unhealthy. I've gone back to complete no contact. If something happens with the kids...its up to them to involve him...not me...he fired me from that position. If he gets into trouble I will not be there to help him...its up to him and his GF to fix it. I'm not his mother, GF or wife and I am certainly not his friend. He should have thought about trying to be friends 12 years ago...not now.

I went into this unwanted 2nd divorce thinking...after 24 years of life...the least i could do is try to be friends...bury the axe...be the adult...take the high road...it may have worked great for him...I mean he had the best of both worlds...his GF at home and his ex wife appearing to be waiting in the wings...and thats what he thought...go figure! I truly believe that if a divorce is mutual...friends can happen...but not if you've been deceived and cheated on. Its taken me this long to realize this...truly the best thing I could have done to save myself a lot of grief is not answer his text 2 years ago...No contact is the only way to heal and move on. Just my thoughts here...hope its of help to someone considering this same thing...my advise...dont do it...Big Hugs...Kathy

Misred 09/17/2013

With friends like our EX's....who needs enemies? LOL

My EX H would LOVE to be able to say he is friends with me. He is a huge gossip so what people say about him is important to him. If he could go around saying we are still friends, it makes him look good. Then he could just say "we grew apart" when people ask what happened. Also, his parents and siblings love me like a daughter and sister. It would put him in a better light with them.

I don't care what anyone thinks or says about my relationship with him. It doesn't make me a bad person that I don't want to be his friend. I have forgiven him and would love for him to find happiness. I'm just not going to forget he's a snake.

dairytech 09/17/2013

That's an interesting point Misred. In the beginning...forgiveness was very important to me...and it still is. What I didn't fully understand was that...forgiveness and friends doesn't have to go together. For some reason I felt I wasn't fully forgiving if I couldn't find a place for him in my life as a friend even though I knew forgiveness wasn't necessarily about him...it's actually about me. Its like that article that we post often about forgiveness...forgiveness does not mean you have forgotten the nasty deeds...it just means you've released yourself from the anger.

Even in my attempts to be friends I found myself being the one that did all the compromising...it was me that had to swallow the shit while he walked around feeling in charge...lol...after all...in his mind...he pretty much had it going on. Now in hindsight I have to question if I was truly doing it for the kids..or...was I accepting the few crumbs he would throw my way...subconscious waiting for him to wake up...no answers yet. It just goes to show me just how deep my commitments run...like the roots of a giant tree...most of the roots are hidden from sight...you never really see the full picture until the tree topples...I think my tree has toppled...aarrgg...just when you think you got a grip on it all...something comes up to show you..not so much...Big Hugs...Kathy

deleted_user 09/17/2013

why can't we be friends, why can't we be friends?
nice song.
We can't be friends becuase you want to be friends on "terms"
terms are not how friends are defined.

Moscato 09/17/2013

My ex and I have very little contact - an occasional text about something regarding the kids (actually young adults). I am civil to him. It's more about who I am as a person, not for him. I don't consider him a friend, but when events dictate that we must be in each other's company, I will be cordial and "casually friendly" . Although I hate what he did, I don't hate him.

seeingthedawn 09/17/2013

Misred… your philosophy of forgivness describes my mindset. Without forgivness you allow your former spouse to maintain control of a portion of your life. Bitterness and resentment is a cancer that eats at your soul.
I can’t imagine facing each day looking in the mirror having to convince myself that I’m a happy, whole individual all the while I harbor an underlying hate for someone that doesn’t deserve the mental energy it takes to hold that grudge.
Forgiveness is the most powerful revenge you can use to punish those who have done you wrong.
Read Luke 15:1-32

deleted_user 09/17/2013

Forgiveness as revenge kind of misses the point

reasonablychubby 09/17/2013

Kathy, I feel just like you do! NO CONTACT is the absolute best thing for me, and I am so glad that I finally figured that out a couple of years ago. Civil is fine when necessary. For me I think the want to stay friends is rooted in 'people pleasing', and it's very hard for me to 'not be okay' in any of my relationships. I think by wanting to be friends with my ex, it offers me some validation that I really am okay and eases the deep rooted pain leftover from the rejection and the abandonment. Honestly, I can feel it rise up in me anytime we do talk, so since I've come to understand this trigger that is very unhealthy, and can cause me pain, I live in the world of NO CONTACT as much as possible. It's hard because my 3 daughters do have contact with their dad, but now I try not to ask them a thing about what their plans are, NUTTIN'! :) Of course, I don't do it perfectly, but I've been working on being more assertive (through counseling) and I am thinking as this part of me strengthens, the 'needing acceptance' from lying cheaters will lessen. lol!

trisha9054 09/17/2013

The minute I found what the ex had done I realized he would always be this way. I was the one who chose to leave and I have kept minimal contact with him. If he writes I will respond knowing that he is up to something. By keeping as little contact as possible I have been able to stop the financial harm he has tried to cause me.

I don't wish him any ill will but I don't want him in my life either. I am finally untangled from him financially at the last court hearing in July. I am grateful for the things he brought into my life and the farm that I now own. Without him I would have none of this but that doesn't mean we will ever be friends. You can't be friends with a snake in the grass. That is what he is....a snake ready to strike if the opportunity presents itself.

Timeman 09/18/2013

Moscato, I like your saying :
. {Although I hate what he did, I don't hate him.}
I have to really think about that ..............hmp !
I don't think that I ever " hated" her.
I was hurt by what she did more then anything.
I also think that hatred can destroy a person.
I've seen many people in my life that were cold , miserable and you could see and feel the
hatred in there actions, in their heart and in their eyes.
I don't want to be one of those people . Life is to short and to beautiful for that for me.

Seeingthedawn, I like what you said also :
{ Forgiveness is the most powerful revenge you can use to punish those who have done you wrong.
Read Luke 15:1-32 }
Now, I will have to do a lot of thinking on that saying.......
There's more then meets the eye there ..........some deep meanings ..................
With that said ............................ Good night my friends ...................
God Bless..............
May we all find peace, contentment and forgiveness in our own way.
TM

Karenhopeful 09/18/2013

If I no longer want to be married to him, why on earth would I want to be friends? Cordiality, granting human respect and dignity--those I can do, but he is not my friend and I am not his. (frankly, in our case, we were not even friends in the marriage....)

proudnana5 09/18/2013

I agree dairytech. The day my marriage fell apart he actually told me that we can be friends. I asked him if hewas kidding. Thatvwas the last time we spoke. I just email him when necessary like when a week after I left my car needed $600 in repairs and I told him he was paying.

I expect to hear from him soon when he gets the letter from my attorney

LisaMariB 09/20/2013

I've been thinking and re-reading this the past few days just trying to weigh my own feelings on this. There are so many dynamics to this that it remains planted on my heart. I find myself accepting the crumbs just to be his friend...really? Is that friends? I realize that is what I'm holding onto...crumbs of maybe a "hows your mom?" in a phone call to my D. No. He is NOT my friend. As much as I would love nothing more than to have his friendship that we once had, he is NOT MY friend.

I don't know. This really struck a cord with me and how your feeling. I value your experience and thoughts on this site and this one hit home for me. Thank you.

My final thoughts..."SCREW HIM!"

deleted_user 09/20/2013

Amen to that on seeingthedawn

deleted_user 09/21/2013

gotta agree with LisaMariB

It's not that I'm too good for "you", you just want to use what you like about me and Most Certianly, "i am too good for that"

as is anyone else, on the planent

drtexdi 09/21/2013

I have occasional contact with him but I have to tell you that living across the country helps. Now that I won't run into him, I'm not really concerned about contact or no contact. I kind of judge my progress every once in a while by looking (after he has sent a text) at when the last text was. It will have been months and I haven't even noticed. I knew when I started this process almost 4 years ago that the opposite of love is apathy. I don't wish him any ill will but I don't give him much thought either.

Join the Conversation

First
1
2
3
Last