Lisa...I too have had time to really think about this and be totally honest with myself about this friends thing. I questioned if I was trying to do this for the kids or not...my answer...partly...it was also holding out for some hope on my part...for him...he's done...that's the plain truth...for me...I was still holding on to that tiny thread and it kills me to admit this...but its true. But ya know what...it shows my depth and integrity...that's a good thing...one day some lucky guy is going to cash in on that and see me for the worth I know I am...hang in there Lisa...better days are coming...Big Hugs...Kathy

Kathy, you are so right about some very lucky and fortunate man tapping in to the wonderful woman you are. Just be yourself and everything will fall into place. Hugs Maria

Kathy, reading your last post put it into perspective for me. I guess I, too, was holding onto that tiny thread and I couldn't admit it either. Yes, one day some lucky guy will have a wonderful woman by his side who deserves so much more than the crap we received from our exes.

Friends with the ex...absolutely not. It's bad for me. No friend would ever hurt me as deeply as he has. Kathy I know you and I are a lot alike. If I remember correctly your ex is an alcoholic. Mine too. I also wanted to remarry my ex and glad I didn't. Trying to be is friend is very unhealthy for you. Goes with that codependent issue. This is the way I look at it and keep it in perspective. He is my addiction. No contact means I'm staying healthy and not giving in to my addiction. Because my addiction only hurts me. Not him. Me. We want to help our Ex's and think by being friends it will help them. But it doesn't. Otherwise that period of no contact would have made them start getting their sh*t together. Love him if you want. But from afar and realize the man you love really doesn't exist any longer. Feel sorry for him but from afar for your own sanity. I wonder if I will ever recover. Not sure. Maybe you do too. But the peace of no contact beats the hell out of that pain.

Stay out of contact. Your kids are adults. Their job if they want a relationship. Not yours. Good luck!!!

Be friends with my ex?! Not a snowball's chance in hell!

I can't be friends with someone who treated me so badly.

Friends like those, I don't need.

World English Dictionary

friend (frnd)

— n
1. a person known well to another and regarded with liking, affection, and loyalty; an intimate
BOB.... No this is definitely not me

2. an acquaintance or associate
Bob......Not an associate , but maybe because of 38 years together my x is an acquaintance and line number 3 in the definition of acquaintance below.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ac·quaint·ance
[uh-kweyn-tns] Show IPA

1. a person known to one, but usually not a close friend.
2. the state of being acquainted.
3. personal knowledge as a result of study, experience, etc.: a good acquaintance.
4. ( used with a plural verb ) the persons with whom one is acquainted.
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Back to friend definition
-----------------------------
3. an ally in a fight or cause; supporter.
Bob..... HA-HA, not an ally there is no common cause anymore and ... (Again Ha-Ha) Support of nothing .

4. a fellow member of a party, society, etc
Bob. The only thing that comes close to this is our son and Grandchildren . We both care for.

5. a patron or supporter: a friend of the opera
Bob... not

6. be friends to be friendly (with)
Bob, Ya, that's me ......... I always try to be friendly with everyone. It's my nature.

7 make friends to become friendly (with)
Bob . Maybe I could interpret this as to keeping peace ..no hostility .
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So, I come to the conclusion that my x is an acqaintance and afterr 7 years ,even that part / feeling is slowly
deminishing . It's kind of sad that after 38 years of being totoghter that all the feelings that I had were lost
little bt little since she ran off. ....... The anger , the hurt , the crying , forgiving and then not forgiving .......all lead to the emptiness that I'm beginning to feel about her. What a shame .............
Take care , bob

I like the definitions idea, Bob. Yes, my ex comes under the 'undesired' acquaintance heading at the moment, and I think he'll be staying there.

It takes a while to work them out of the system, because we put them on pedestals they probably didn't actually belong on.

love and hugs
kamary

Bob...loved the definitions...I had forgotten this...sometimes its nice to see it written to help remind us what friends truly are and he aint one of them.

Kamary...its funny you bring up the pedestal thing...my ex told me just before he left the first time that no man could live up to the pedestal I placed him on...there would be no man on earth that could keep you happy while up there...interesting...Big Hugs...Kathy

Goodness me, that is interesting, Kathy. I have no idea why I decided to say that at this time.

I've often thought, since I left him, that my faith in him and my infallible confidence that he could handle anything were unfounded. I kept him on the pedestal right up until he wasn't there for me when our son went overseas. Then it came tumbling down and broke into a million pieces, never to be resurrected.

And boy, it feels great to look at things clearly and honestly. No blind love and faith. Reality is good. It hurts but it's good.

I'm not sure what your ex meant about not being able to keep you happy while he was on the pedestal? He didn't do any better off it, so it doesn't make much sense at all.

Is it so wrong to think the ones we love are wonderful? I thought people thrived on others' faith in them. Maybe it put too much strain on our exes, in contrast to other people's partners who just enjoy the strength of the love and devotion?

love and hugs
kamary

You gals fell for the pedestal story. Sure the ex's was being uncannily honest. He didn't want to belong on [ your ] pedestal. That required too much work and accountability as he was concern ! The only way to get himself off, was to find an agenda to knock it down . But the irony is, I doubt he has discounted the OW's pedestal.

Toby thanks for shedding light on the pedestal thing. Truth is they just didn't want to live up to our expectations of a husband? Did we expect too much? I don't think so. I wanted him to be part of our family life and to show by his actions that he loved me. I don't think that's unreasonable. Unless of course, he didn't love me. There's the difference.