I hope you all don't mind if I crash your group since I was only married 7 years with my latest ex but I was married for 20 years to my first ex, so there ya go, maybe I can sneak in.....
I am currently working on NC and struggling, it's been since Jan so I'm tryng to not reach out, hard times but I know what happens when I do reach out, rejection and heartache, so Hullibe, hang in there, NC really is the way to go, most of us have been burned a time or two.
Also journaling here or some other place is very therapeutic. Like mentioned you can mark as private or public or share with friends only. I prefer friends only because I value their input and support. I also journal on my computer at work, I have two journals, one that I started while married and after my unwanted divorce I started a fresh one, a new beginning one but I find that I still write about my ex, a lot, kind of defeats my purpose of new beginnings but it is my life right now so that is what I write about.
this journey we find our selves on is really hard but we can make it, one day at a time. You will find lots of support here as we are all in different stages of divorce. I am stuck in the letting go stage, can't quite get past it, hence my struggle with NC, but I'm tryng. I'm thankful to be part of DS, it has been a life saver for me, especially early on. Be gentle with yourself and keep as busy as possible. Hugs!

Thank you yougospam. this journey is very hard indeed!!! I really have to take it one day at a time. Sometimes its one hour, one 10 minute block, at a time. Its very difficult at work. I am a teacher. I teach my concept then I look at my phone or computer. At lunch if he contacts me I answer. Sometimes I contact him during lunch. I'm having a very hard time with NC. I feel like if I don't stay connected then I will lose him forever. I'm not quite ready for complete NC.

I came to this site also for help. I just need a sounding board. I know that I am too fresh in this (8 weeks) to take it totally NC but hope you all give me time.

thanks.

I think the recurring theme is we all need time. That and some good grief work. Sorry you're having such a hard time with no contact.

It was odd working through our divorce while living together, different bedrooms and schedules, but in the same house. I wasn't facing a lot of anger or vitriol, but it was amazing how different my outlook was once I got my own place and we had some distance. The drama stopped, the walking on eggshells, the holding my tongue when he inadvertently said something that hurt. All these things carried hundreds of pounds of emotional weight, all bearing down on me. It felt like I was breathing for the first time in a decade. Until we get away, we don't realize that traumatized and flattened is not normal. We need space as well as time to see how toxic things have gotten.

Get into some co-dependency support groups, get a counselor or psychiatrist. Get some help. You're worth it, and it sounds like you've already lost him. I know you want time, and I'm praying it's time to start healing. Keep on sharing and hope things get easier for you soon.

I think you qualify, yougospam - sadly. Welcome here and I know you'll get heaps of support on this site. I don't know where I'd be if I hadn't found it back in 2010, just after my divorce papers were signed.

all the best and I like the advice you've share with hullibee

love and hugs
kamary

MNMama, time is the great healer. I had to live with my ex for 2 months before my rental house was free. It was like that for me, too - lots of holding my tongue and putting up with things. I felt so free when I moved.

You guys are all in the early days. Go easy on yourselves and don't expect too much of yourselves. Quietly work through things as they come up, and if you face all the emotions fully, all the hurts fully, you'll be ok. Ask for help, talk about things here and with your friends and therapists and take care of yourselves. One day, you'll wake up and realise you are free of most of this and your new life is looking pretty good.

love and hugs
kamary

First of all, I just wish I could reach out and give everyone here big hugs. It's been a long time for me, but the pain of going through that time...well, it's something I'll never forget and I hurt for all of you going through it right now.

Kamary, I totally agree with you about moving out and finally feeling peace. I felt the same. You're lucky you only lived in the same house with your ex for 2 months. For me it was 6 months of hell. We just avoided each other like the plague, but I'like never forget a bug fight we had. I ripped him up one side and down the other saying everything I felt about the hurt he had inflicted on me throughout the years. I then packed a bag and spent the night on my best friend's couch. It felt so good to just let him have it. I felt strong and more in control after that. I felt like I had had my "say" and I could move on.

thank you kamary and startingover.

I agree i'm in the early stages. I hate it. I cannot seem to let go right now. Thank you for telling me not too expect too much of myself right now. I feel others telling me to face it, get on with things. I just can't, right now.
thanks.

Oh, Hullibee...of course you can't right now. It's too soon.

What helped me at the time was a couple mantras. One was, "Bad things happen to good people every day. Instead of saying, why me? I'd say, "Why NOT me." The other one was, "Why would I want to be with someone who DOESN'T want to be with ME. I wouldn't!" Those and God's pure love for me got me through. Just knowing I had God's love unconditionally every day helped me tremendously. We absolutely cannot understand SO many bad things that happen in people's lives (including our own), but they happen...every day. Throughout my divorce, I found myself becoming stronger and just knowing I was the better person in the whole scenario helped me greatly as well. I took great pride in the fact that I held true to my morals and values and did everything in my power to make my marriage work. You should as well.

I can't stress enough how much NC helps. Focusing on your own life and cutting him out of it will help tremendously. I hope at some point you will be able to do that. It just may be too early yet.

I the meantime...we're here for you, hullibee!

Thank you startingover. I am trying. Every day is different. I try to not focus on the hurt. But it comes back. I try to take care of me. I eat, work, sleep, work out, and see my children and grand children. But, the absence of my husband is huge!! I need to face it.

Hullibee, this is quite a long thread, but I'm adding something that may help you. If you're struggling as much as you seem to be from the little bit of info you've shared with us here, then I suggest that you get yourself a "no contact" buddy!

This isn't a "thing", I just named it now actually, but when you talked about watching him clear out the garage, it made me think of how my ex was coming one day to clear out OUR garage and pick up his SECOND motorcycle that was preventing me from parking in our garage for months (selfish man!!!) and....I made him let me know when he would be arriving (by email - we never spoke), and I left the premises a half hour earlier and came back a half hour LATER then when he said he'd be done. I needed to not be there.

YOU NEED TO NOT BE THERE! In person, on the phone, behind your keyboard etc etc!!!

There was a time in the early days when I wouldn't / couldn't talk with him (still haven't), but I would email him all of my emotional thoughts and feelings (erg, when I think of it now....that I thought he would CARE what I was going through!).

I told my good friend and she told me BUT GOOD to stop!! She insisted that no matter what time of day or night, that when I was in pain, or angry, or crazy sad, and had the urge to share it with him , that I call or text or email her, and tell HER - because he didn't want to hear it anyway, I just needed to SAY IT! I kind of said, yeah right, that'll never work......but she said DO IT and she was a lot bigger and more emotionally stable then me so....I did ;)

I did it. It worked. It got me over the "hump". So for me, and I did journal too btw, having someone to listen....be there, I needed that. Something to consider, maybe it could work for you?

Thanks jammine. I do need someone to bounce things off. I text my daughter about things but he is her dad so its kind of awkward.

I will try to connect with someone else. That is my big problem. I want to text him because I am so codependent. He tells me he has NO emotions. I on the other hand cry at the drop of a hat. All I need to do is think about never seeing him again and I cry. I know that I am dysfunctional right now.

I am going on spring break at the end of the week. I will not see him in person for 10 days. Maybe I can get so separation from the dysfunction.
thanks.

Thanks jammine. I do need someone to bounce things off. I text my daughter about things but he is her dad so its kind of awkward.

I will try to connect with someone else. That is my big problem. I want to text him because I am so codependent. He tells me he has NO emotions. I on the other hand cry at the drop of a hat. All I need to do is think about never seeing him again and I cry. I know that I am dysfunctional right now.

I am going on spring break at the end of the week. I will not see him in person for 10 days. Maybe I can get some separation from the dysfunction.
thanks.

Hullibee, I am so very sorry that you are suffering so. I can feel the pain when I read your posts. It breaks my heart. I wish there were a magic answer to heal you, to heal everyone who goes through the devastation and pain of divorce. Sadly, there just isn't one. But, we have all been where you are now, have felt the intensity of your pain, and have, over time, managed to let go little by little. Letting go of your attachment to the life you once new is very, very hard, and it happens in little waves. Each time you manage to let go of anything, even the smallest thing, celebrate that victory. It's a step in the right direction. You will soon begin to accumulate more of these victories, and it feels amazing. You will backslide at times, and that's completely okay and expected. You've received some wonderful advice here from people who know this path you are now taking. Absorb it, mull it over, and try it out to see what fits for you. I was so completely lost after my husband of 24 years left me for someone else that I contemplated ending my life several times. I've had to work very hard to turn that around and find reasons to keep going and keep trying. I never believed that I would climb out of the pit of dispair, but I did. And, you will, too. Take each day as it comes and know that you always have people here who want to help you.

Hugs to you, and never forget what a blessing you are!

thank you Time4Kim. I too have contemplated ending it all. I thought long and hard about this because you see I lost a child that threatened to commit suicide. Although I'm not sure that she did it is still there to haunt me. Every day I think of how she felt, hopeless, unwanted, rejected. And I think of how I now feel and it is the same. Although we'll never know for sure if she took her own life I still think about her choices and I wouldn't wish death on anyone. So I go on. One day at a time.

I try not to dwell on the negative with what is going on with him. I do know that I cannot control his choices only my own. So I continue on and make plans for my own self. If he ever gets back in control of his decisions then I will insist upon counseling. We need help if we are going to go forward.
thanks.
E.

I'm so sorry for your suffering. There is little to say to betrayal and hurt that is so deep. I was married 32 years and after 3 years of separation. There are no words for the suffering of your soul. I am so deeply sorry for what you are going thru. I still find it odd I must of never knew him or men are so wired different or what the HELL it still makes no sense. I hate to say it takes time but honestly it takes time for the trauma, and it takes even longer for the acceptance of someone making such a callous decision to the point that you wonder if you ever even knew them. We are here and understand the pain. It is a horrible process but we are here and know the process. You are normal and didn't make up 40 yrs together you are sane.