Hullibee, please don't torture yourself with the doubts. What your daughter wanted to do was never anything to do with you, and was always only about her own situation, her own perception of what was going on in her life. At the same time, I can see that you're wondering if you could have helped her more, and are feeling much the same way yourself now.

Suicide is a very personal thing. I spent some time thinking about that, too, after my girls cut me off just after the divorce. It was a hit from left field that I never would have expected in a million years, and it was caused by Parental Alienation.

I was lucky in that a friend's husband had just been to a Rotary Convention at which one of the subjects was Beyond Blue - a Rotary movement to help people with depression - and one of the speakers was a local counsellor. He suggested that I see that counsellor. I told my story and his initial reply was "Considering what you've been through, I'd be worried about you if you didn't feel that way". It made all the difference to be understood. I won't say I haven't thought about it since, but the few times I have been that low again, I always remember what that counsellor said. It helps.

Can I suggest that you see a therapist yourself? It can make the world of difference to talk about these things with a trained counsellor or a psychologist.

www.beyondblue.org.au

Big hugs and lots of love
kamary

I'm back to crying again. he has chosen her again. I have to face reality. It's done. I need to file the divorce papers.
E.

Hullibee, I feel for you. I had only 20 years, but we were together 24/7/365. It was like an amputation when I had to go no contact. Maybe that describes your feelings about your situation.
A friend, a lawyer (not working for me) had to beg me to file. I hated doing that so much. But it was utterly necessary. My (now) ex had thrown me under the bus after all that time. His only concern was the new woman, a prostitute he had stolen my money to pay! Obviously, since he was cleaning me out for the hooker, I had to self-protect with divorce, but I thought it would kill me to file. But I survived. How I cried.
I believe I have some idea how badly you feel now. I am so terribly sorry for this horrible pain, which I think I can relate to.
Take care of yourself, get a good counselor, lean on your family and this site. I know you will get through this. I did. And i thought at the time that I could not.
Take care of... you. This site and its compassionate denizens are here to help. I wish you all the luck in the word.

Thanks everyone for the excellent advice on this post. All very helpful and much needed to some of us still struggling with no contact. I should have taken the advice instead of going to see my ex last week.....BIG mistake on my part...I know better....so here I go again, day 1 starts again in 2 1/2 hours.........so frustrating....

Thank you boydie. I am still crying today. He was just at my house. He went back to OW. I give up!!! Now I'm crying again. He told me he was done with her. But that's a lie. I'm sick with grief again. All I can do is cry.

Hullibee, I'm so sorry you're in such pain. Reading through your posts again, all I can think of is we have to take the knife out of the wound before we can begin to heal. I'm feeling you bleed every time you see him, talk to him, text him, contact him. I wish I could jump through the line and help you close the doors on him and open the doors on you....and that's MY codependency rearing it's ugly head. I'm sorry, but I want you to know I care and pray for healing for you.
Brighter days are ahead, but we have to move ourselves toward them. They don't seek us out, hiding in the dark. Keep on sharing and seeking support for you. You deserve it.